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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Metallicalover · 18/04/2021 13:53

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Your future sister in law sounds like a selfish cow! Your brother is also disgusting going along with this! This is their future niece or nephew!! I would be so upset as struggle to forgive them!!
I was bridesmaid for my sister in law and my baby was only a few weeks old and she came down the aisle with me (if she was a boy she was going to be an usher with her dad). Her uncle was overjoyed with her coming down the aisle and had to give her a kiss and cuddle before we sat down! This was a child free wedding as well!
Then when my sister in law came down the aisle it was all about her and when they got married it was all about them!
I'm so sorry OP I would be deeply upset! 😞

User657849 · 18/04/2021 13:53

You SIL sounds absurd about the ‘distractions’.

God forbid a bridesmaid/guest looks stunning on the day, will she kick them out too?

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 18/04/2021 13:56

Wtaf, they have banned your husband from the churchyard!?
Honestly I wouldn't go they have no respect for your family. Their actions have shown that.

lazylinguist · 18/04/2021 13:56

What is it about weddings that really exercises people’s selfish gland

Oh maybe the £1000s they are spending on it? Selfish to me is wanting to inflict your kids into social situations when it’s an adult only environment.

Weddings are about family and friends. Most people who want adult-only weddings are probably shallow, flashy attention-seeking types who are more interested in having a show-offy Insta-worthy event than sharing their happy day with people they love.

OP, when the time comes it's very unlikely you'll want to go anyway, so close to your baby's birth. But your db and sil are being ridiculously preciousand unkind.

dandylionsmell · 18/04/2021 14:01

I had similar with my sibling.

I was told that my 4 month old that couldn't sit upright yet would be provided with a high chair to eat at the table only and there was to be no pushchair/car seat allowed because it would ruin the look of the venue for photos.

We were told that we had to attend for the full day or nothing as to not waste the funds. Had no other childcare options, baby was breastfed anyway and refused any form of bottle. I was told that the baby could nap in one of the relatives hotel rooms so it would mean sitting alone in a room instead of outside in the garden with sleeping baby tucked away in pram.

I said I'd keep the pram out the way in the car until baby needed a nap and this wasn't an option either.

I didn't go. It backfired because a sibling on the other side didn't go either because of her bridezilla demands and there was lots of attention on the situation for the wrong reasons.

Silly really, we could have all had a nice day.

I had two newborns kicking off mid ceremony at my own wedding and I barely noticed. They left immediately and it didn't affect the wedding at all.

SwimBaby · 18/04/2021 14:02

Would DH have been popping in with your baby or on his own?

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/04/2021 14:02

So your IH isn’t invited, and neither is your newborn….
I just wouldn’t go - save yourself, and them the bother….

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/04/2021 14:02

IH = OH….

Sausageroll67 · 18/04/2021 14:03

“A church is not an adult only environment.”

Very true, but I presume the bride and groom have paid for hire of the church on their wedding day and as such, want it to be a child free environment for the occasion.

Eddielzzard · 18/04/2021 14:04

Neither the exclusion of your newborn nor your DH are acceptable. She clearly doesn't give a shit and your DB is caught in the cross fire.

If someone excluded my DH, that would be a line crossed. I could just understand not wanting a newborn as they are noisy and people will love to see. That is still unreasonable to not invite babes in arms. But to exclude your DH? That is really outrageous.

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/04/2021 14:05

She certainly sounds like a Bridezilla, but this is just nonsense -
*I said I'd keep the pram out the way in the car until baby needed a nap and this wasn't an option either.
Why would you tell anyone what you intended to have in your car boot in the first place, never mind allow them to veto it?

dandylionsmell · 18/04/2021 14:07

@GreyhoundG1rl because she asked me to confirm that the pram wouldn't be there. My parents bow to her ridiculous demands, always have done and I knew that shit would hit the fan from them too if I just turned up with it.

So I just didn't go.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2021 14:08

Very true, but I presume the bride and groom have paid for hire of the church on their wedding day and as such, want it to be a child free environment for the occasion.

A church is a public building, and any member of the public is entitled to watch a wedding ceremony in a church as it is classed as a public event. The bride and groom may pay for the use of the building, but they aren't entitled to exclusive use of it.

kittycorner · 18/04/2021 14:08

This is so awful @HuxleyDog I'm so sorry you, baby and DH are being treated this way. The couple sounds like they have some real hangups on the attention you & their new niece/nephew will get, this may impact other things too like family get togethers. Are your parents taking issue with you/dh/baby being uninvited too?

Different circumstances and not my brother but this happened to me the weekend I became a Mum (as in I became a Mum 2 days before a wedding) and it was a wedding that was about 5 hours from home. I received the comment that the bride was shocked I wasn't prioritising the most important day of her life. All I can do now is laugh about that sentiment. Utterly clueless.

Hold your head up high. I'd be honest if family/joint friends ask why you aren't there. Not in a spiteful way, but just the facts. Make sure their decisions are out in the open.

1FootInTheRave · 18/04/2021 14:11

Selfish, horrible arse holes.

I wouldn't go, wouldn't apologise, send a 50p shite card and hold a grudge forever tbh.

Truly shitty behaviour.

Becstar90 · 18/04/2021 14:18

I would never let my family treat my partner like that. I wouldn't be going

Hadalifeonce · 18/04/2021 14:18

As a PP said, a wedding is a public event, and Covid rules allowing, any member of the public has a right to attend. If you, your baby and your DH wanted to attend the ceremony, no one could stop you. Depending in the future relationship (or not) you want with your brother, you could go just to wind them up.😉

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/04/2021 14:19

@Hadalifeonce

As a PP said, a wedding is a public event, and Covid rules allowing, any member of the public has a right to attend. If you, your baby and your DH wanted to attend the ceremony, no one could stop you. Depending in the future relationship (or not) you want with your brother, you could go just to wind them up.😉
Oh, ffs! Hmm
Tistheseason17 · 18/04/2021 14:20

So sad that your SIL is jealous of a new baby.
I actually think you won't end up going - a new baby cannot just fit around the bride's timings.

Physiometric · 18/04/2021 14:22

How ridiculous. The whole point and beauty of a wedding is for new family to meet each other, and for different generations to mix.

DungeonKeeper · 18/04/2021 14:22

However for harmonious relations I would leave baby outside with dh

I think they lost all rights to harmonious relations by uninviting the newborn and the DH.

Fuck being polite, I would be honest with anyone that asks why you’re not going. This isn’t about whether you would cope with a wedding and a newborn, this is about the bride and groom being arseholes.

Blankspace101 · 18/04/2021 14:24

It sounds like future SIL wants to ensure nothing upstages her! It’s a shame they are being like this and I understand why you are upset.

KoalaOok · 18/04/2021 14:25

I can understand them not wanting babies there but they can't expect you to go. How on earth do they think your husband will be a distraction? Is he a model?

Hesma · 18/04/2021 14:25

It sounds like the bride is worried about being upstaged on her big day and I totally get that. However it’s not feasible for you to attend without the baby so I would either leave baby with DH and go to ceremony and then home or just politely decline the invitation.

partyatthepalace · 18/04/2021 14:31

Baby is fair enough, but their position on your DH sounds like sulking to me.

Does your mum have any insight into what is going on? You don’t really want this turning into a thing, but they are being unreasonable and frankly bizarre.