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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
kazza446 · 18/04/2021 12:46

Lots of polite responses on here, I would quite simply tell them to “ram the invite where the sun doesn’t shine”.

Sailor2009 · 18/04/2021 12:46

@kazza446

Lots of polite responses on here, I would quite simply tell them to “ram the invite where the sun doesn’t shine”.
This. Sideways.
2bazookas · 18/04/2021 12:48

TBH. in the days either side of your baby's birth, the VERY LAST thing you'll want to do is attend a wedding, or a reception, see a crowd of people, or go anywhere far from the peace and comfort of home. Every cell of your being will be totally focussed on the baby.

Every cell of theirs, will be focussed on their long delayed wedding.

 Your brother, bless him,   recognises  these are incompatible occasions,   and  has given you the perfect let-out. Grab  it gratefully with both hands  and  then all  of  you can relax and enjoy your   big   events . Catch up with pictures and quite visits later.

  Order  two bottles of champagne; one for you and DH and one for  DP and Sil   on their wedding night.  Send it to them with all your best wishes and say  "we'll all toast each others new happiness".
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 18/04/2021 12:49

I honestly think you will likely be in no fit state to go in any case with or without the baby. It's really the date that's the issue not child free or not.

The thought of trying to get dolled up in a posh dress whilst leaking breast milk, bleeding heavily and being in pain gives me the heebie jeebies. Some people have an easy time and would be OK but many people are not. What if you are recovering from a C section or a traumatic birth and can barely sit down? It's not a wholly unlikely chance.
Of course I wish you an easy birth and recovery but it's not many women's experiences. I was in hospital for 10 days after DD1's birth because she was ill.
You just can't predict these things
The safest thing to do is politely decline.

GreyHare · 18/04/2021 12:49

Is you husbands disinvite due to a number issue? are we still under strict guidelines then with limited numbers? and whilst it is a tad selfish, most brides do want to be centre of attention on their day and of course a newborn baby probably being introduced to distant family members on the wedding is going to impact the day with people cooing over it, so I do get where she is coming from in a way, they have had a shitty run of luck and she just wants her day, rightly or wrongly.

billy1966 · 18/04/2021 12:51

My goodness, such spite towards your husband.

Really ugly behaviour.

I would no more attend a wedding where my husband has been treated so poorly by the couple.

But I have a thing about loyalty.
I would have not been able to keep quiet at the spite of what your brother said.

Your brother is a disgrace.

2pinkginsplease · 18/04/2021 12:51

I’d politely decline, excluding your baby is one thing but excluding your husband is Ridiculous, sil to be sounds like she doesn’t want a tiny baby stealing her thunder and unfortunately your brother does as he’s told to keep the peace!

My brother and sis in law sound similar. They had my nephews baptism just after my dd was due, meaning we either had to decline or be extremely organised to attend, I knew it would annoy my sil more if we went so we made the effort to go, her face was tripping her all day, she didn’t want my tiny new baby stealing all the limelight so arranged her child’s baptism for around my due date. Neither of them even go to church!

WatchlistAndWaiting · 18/04/2021 12:51

Putting aside who is right or wrong...

If you want to support your brother, why don't you, your husband and your baby plan to be at the church when he arrives to spend a few minutes wishing him well?

The groom normally turns up a good bit before the bride. You wouldn't even need to go in. And you can be gone well before the bride turns up so won't distract from her.

But you get to see your brother, your family unit can all be together, and you don't even need to get dressed up!

Lalliella · 18/04/2021 12:53

Don’t go. They’re being ridiculous. Also if you’re breastfeeding you need to be with your baby so you can feed on demand. It’s petty of them to uninvite your husband. Stay home with with own little family.

occa · 18/04/2021 12:56

Well sorry but hell would be freezing over before I went to this wedding.

They've behaved so unpleasantly and I don't know how much clearer they can make it to you that they'd rather you didn't go!

Also, it's absolutely true that you're highly unlikely to feel up to it or feel like leaving your baby.

RampantIvy · 18/04/2021 12:57

My concern that if she starts throwing her toys out of the pram now, she isn’t exactly going to endear herself to any of her in-laws. I bet your mum’s opinion of her has gone down as a result. Just decline the invitation, don’t give any excuses or reasons, just “I will not be able to attend your wedding” is fine. Maybe your mum will tell everyone the real reason why you aren’t there Grin

Iloveacurry · 18/04/2021 12:58

Honestly I wouldn’t go. You probably won’t feel like it anyway if you’ve just had the baby. You made a good suggestion about just going to the ceremony, but your brother and SIL are being a bit precious. Just wait until they have a baby, then they’ll see!

EveningOverRooftops · 18/04/2021 12:59

You’re stealing her thunder OP. That’s the issue.

Of course we know you are not. Babies arrive when they arrive and if your brother and SIL are that precious a baby will take the shine off them - honestly this is exactly what it is - fuck them.

sashh · 18/04/2021 12:59

I can see both sides of this, but only because I had a very close relative who would crowbar the baby out of your arms to take round the family and insist everyone got cuddles.

If you managed to keep the baby away from this relative she would be crying, proper toddler sobbing about how she only wanted to hold the baby.

At one family wedding, that was adult only, she invited a number of people including a couple AND their 5 year old daughter to the evening do. You can imagine how that went down with the grandparents of children not invited. Especially as the couple invited were more acquaintances that friends.

If your SIL has anyone like that I totally understand it.

I think you should wish them well, maybe (if you are up to it and if covid rules allow) have them round for a meal and then ask to attend via zoom.

If they stay no then plan a day just for you and your dh and baby.

BusLaneLady · 18/04/2021 13:00

Tbh I wouldn't go and would prefer to nap instead because you will need it. You resting is more important and you will appreciate it when the time comes. I would gently decline it and say with a newborn it's unpredictable and it's unpredictable of what sort of birth I am going to give so the recovery would be unpredictable. Please enjoy your wedding as it's been cancelled twice and tbh I wouldn't be able to enjoy it as a new mum being away from my baby. Something along those lines and believe me they would be relieved to hear that as they want people to be there who will truly invest their time and energy for them and you won't be able to provide that.

BuggerBognor · 18/04/2021 13:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 18/04/2021 13:03

I think that although anyone can go to a wedding in normal times that won't be the case if COVID restrictions are still in place as numbers will be limited.

Fine to stand in the churchyard before or after though and at least see them on the happy day. In my little village community this is a very normal thing to do and a lot of folk who know the couple a bit but not enough for an invite will pop down to see them in the churchyard. No one can stop you doing that. At my mums funeral at lot of people who we couldn't invite due to numbers lined the street outside and that was beautiful and we found it very supportive.

Obviously relatives will want to coo over the baby a bit but it won't detract from the attention the bride gets for long. It's a good idea to go before the bride arrives if you are worried about that.

ohfourfoxache · 18/04/2021 13:03

Are they actually expecting you to attend?

There is absolutely no way I would go now tbh, whether they begged me to or not

Floralchickens · 18/04/2021 13:05

Are your brother and Sil young? It does sound like a teenager problem as adults don’t worry about being upstaged Grin

Personally I wouldn’t go- my baby and DH would be more important to me than their wedding and I would hold back about it.

Families are strange and I’ve learnt after years of being put last/my feeling not considered, that my own little family unit of husband and kids is what I put first and since I’ve got more blunt about it to other family members my life is happier, I don’t care if I miss weddings/funerals of people who think so little of me.

SecretSpAD · 18/04/2021 13:05

I wouldn't want a baby or child of any age at my wedding. I don't have any interest in babies and have no desire to have an important occasion in my life disturbed by crying, screaming and the waft of a shitty nappy. All weddings I've been to where there have been children have been hell. Childfree ones - fab.

Some people just have different ideas of what they want for their day - especially at the moment whe there have been so many disappointments.

Maybe they have just heard they can't have children.

Maybe your husband has been an arse to either of them.

Maybe they just don't like children.

If you do decide to do one of the stupid suggestions on here you will be the one looking an arse. And if you drag your parents into this and get your mum to bitch about her son and daughter in law or defend you, you will lose the relationship with your brother.

Suck it up. It is their day. You had yours presumably how you wanted it and now it is their turn.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 18/04/2021 13:06

Decline and wish them a lovely day.

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 18/04/2021 13:06

@BeardieWeirdie

I’d say I wouldn’t be able to come and absolutely not apologise for it. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
This what self-absorbed idiots.
Arbadacarba · 18/04/2021 13:07

I can understand why they don't want their special day day to be focused on your new baby, which might well happen if you have the sort of family that makes a fuss of babies.

Excluding your husband is rude, though.

Chickychickydodah · 18/04/2021 13:08

I’m so sad for you but focus on your baby and leave them to it . They are beyond selfish .

Soubriquet · 18/04/2021 13:09

Are you going to bottle feed or breast feed?

I wouldn’t go either way tbh.

I couldn’t leave my newborn baby so I could go to my brothers wedding

Your hormones will be all other the place, you will be leaking milk and still bleeding.

Plus you will still be a “distraction” as people will be asking where your baby your is, how is it, and all about your birth story