Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Whysolong7 · 18/04/2021 16:29

I absolutely would not go - as others have said here politely decline especially if you are planning on breastfeeding. What would be the plan as your brother sees it? Who would have the baby while you and your DH were at the wedding when the baby was only days old?

1WayOrAnother2 · 18/04/2021 16:29

Decline the invitation (since your family has not been invited anyway).

Do stroll past the church with pram and newborn a few times - just so that relations can enjoy a cuddle Halo

blubberyboo · 18/04/2021 16:36

I actually pity the bride and groom as they don’t realise yet how incredibly short sighted they are being.

They think the wedding is all about the dress, fancy frills and being centre stage.

In reality it is about a family occasion where everyone can get together and celebrate something. It’s never been more important after the year we’ve had to get people together as family. Celebrating a wedding and a birth. Really the other guests would enjoy the baby but they still will be there to see the bride and enjoy the cosier intimate wedding

But they can’t see that yet and how sad for them to show their wedding photos to their own children in years to come and have to explain that they didn’t have their aunt uncle and cousin in the photos because baby cousin was deemed too cute

How pathetic and materialistic they will feel.

Cactus1982 · 18/04/2021 16:38

I’d also like to add that I’ve been at weddings where key family members have been missing and it’s been very much noticed by the other guests. I hope your DB and DSIL are happy enough with everyone gossiping and whispering about them and why your not there on their ‘special day’, because that’s what will happen.

EarlGreywithLemon · 18/04/2021 16:39

OP you sound lovely. I think they’re being incredibly silly and petty, and they might look back on how they behaved and regret it. Weddings should be about good will and making the guests feel welcome - not about competing with them.
I’m another one who says please don’t put pressure on yourself to go. I was induced at 41 weeks and admittedly had a difficult birth - but I was in hospital for 5 days afterwards, back home for a few days, then readmitted for another night, then had various medical follow up appointment for a couple of weeks. At two weeks, and even at one month, I was bleeding a lot, leaking milk, my bladder was leaking, I could hardly sit down, and then my back gave in. Walking felt like my pelvic floor was about to fall out. I was also completely exhausted and my focus was on my baby. No way would I have wanted to be separated from her, even for a few hours. I hope you fare better than I did - and I’m sure you will. But don’t put yourself through unnecessary stress for someone who isn’t being remotely considerate of you.

FinallyHere · 18/04/2021 16:46

You can only really try to feel sorry for a bride who is sooo precious about hogging the limelight.

In the real world, there is usually a bit of lot of hanging around for anyone but the bridal party at a wedding. Anyone else would see that latest baby would be a brilliant thing to have, if mother and baby are doing well enough to attend.

Magnificentmug12 · 18/04/2021 16:46

Really? Of course they should be the centre of attention at their own wedding, how horrible for them to not be especially when they have already comprimised so much due to covid and not having the wedding they want.

They are wrong for saying your DH isn’t invited though, they should have said just the baby isn’t and he would have to find a sitter (which I imagine wouldn’t happen and he would just stay at home) so no idea why they didn’t take that route!

I’m not a centre of attention type and get anxious with too many people around so a baby at my wedding would have been welcomed, I also have kids myself. My Sil however I know would never of had a baby at her wedding as she always needs to be the centre of everything. Sounds like your sil falls into the same category.

Magnificentmug12 · 18/04/2021 16:47

Also if I was you I wouldn’t go. It’s probably made harder as it sounds like they don’t have kids so don’t get it.

AnnaSW1 · 18/04/2021 16:49

I think this is a blessing. You honestly won't care or want to go to a wedding at that point, you'll be in a baby bubble and relieved you can stay at home!

Hankunamatata · 18/04/2021 16:52

He lost his job, wedding cancelled. Your newborn would def be the centre of attention for family that havnt see each other in a while. I can see where they are coming from

Helloandhelloagain · 18/04/2021 16:52

Your brothers in for one hell of a ride with his future wife 😂😂

Alsohuman · 18/04/2021 16:53

@Helloandhelloagain

Your brothers in for one hell of a ride with his future wife 😂😂
Isn’t he just? What a way to start a marriage.
queenMab99 · 18/04/2021 16:55

I was in a similar situation, although it was my husbands brother who was the groom, my son was one month early, so was 6 weeks old on the day, the bride was quite clear that it was because the baby would hog the limelight.I had to leave him with my mum. It was 45 years ago and I still remember (resent) it! Looking at the photos recently though, although we were very skint and I wore a cheap cheesecloth dress, and a borrowed shawl and shoes, I looked absolutely relaxed, glowing and gorgeous in the photos, contrasting with the formally dressed, peaky and nervous looking couple and bridesmaids.Grin

Chamonixshoopshoop · 18/04/2021 16:57

I agree with the posters saying it's materialist and short-sighted, They will come to regret their behaviour. I have some friends who bordered on 'bridezilla' and feel embarrassed now, especially the one that is now divorced.

As an adult to worry a baby will steal attention from you, is a whole new level of behaviour. Just unbelievable!

Thewinterofdiscontent · 18/04/2021 16:59

@queenMab99

I was in a similar situation, although it was my husbands brother who was the groom, my son was one month early, so was 6 weeks old on the day, the bride was quite clear that it was because the baby would hog the limelight.I had to leave him with my mum. It was 45 years ago and I still remember (resent) it! Looking at the photos recently though, although we were very skint and I wore a cheap cheesecloth dress, and a borrowed shawl and shoes, I looked absolutely relaxed, glowing and gorgeous in the photos, contrasting with the formally dressed, peaky and nervous looking couple and bridesmaids.Grin
I think you’re making the brides point there actually.
CooperLooper · 18/04/2021 16:59

How insecure your SIL must be to be so scared of being upstaged on her wedding day by a little baby. I'd decline the invite.

GoWalkabout · 18/04/2021 17:00

Go high, say to your brother that you love them both and completely understand that you and baby and dh can't come and you wouldn't want to disrupt by 'popping in'. Ask him nearer the time 'what can we do to help' and 'what would dsil want from us'. They will be torn apart by relatives for this decision! But I would be unflinchingly supportive and accommodating then you won't be the baddie!

Supersimkin2 · 18/04/2021 17:03

SIL is prob worried the babe will scream through the vows and ruin her marriage ceremony. It happens.

I've cringed, along with 200 other people, twice at ruined services. Felt so sorry for the couple, everyone does.

Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 17:05

Distractions 😂😂

Butwasitherdriveway · 18/04/2021 17:05

@Supersimkin2

SIL is prob worried the babe will scream through the vows and ruin her marriage ceremony. It happens.

I've cringed, along with 200 other people, twice at ruined services. Felt so sorry for the couple, everyone does.

So her excuse for DH now not being invited?
VegCheeseandCrackers · 18/04/2021 17:05

I wouldn't go.
My wedding (way pre covid) was child free but by BiL and xSiL couldn't get my nephew minded until later in the day. I wouldn't have dreamed of disinviting them.
It's their choice because it's their wedding but I don't think they are being very nice or reasonable at all here and you are being very accommodating. I would give a gift and spend the day with your DH and baby.

MrsAvocet · 18/04/2021 17:06

@FinallyHere

You can only really try to feel sorry for a bride who is sooo precious about hogging the limelight.

In the real world, there is usually a bit of lot of hanging around for anyone but the bridal party at a wedding. Anyone else would see that latest baby would be a brilliant thing to have, if mother and baby are doing well enough to attend.

That's a really good point. Guests actually interact far more with each other than with the couple and the traditional structure of a wedding in this country creates lots of time for that, whilst the B&G are having photos taken etc. I remember saying "Hi, thanks for coming. You look lovely, hope you're having a good time" repeatedly at my wedding, and not a lot else! The time the couple spend interacting with the guests is really quite small in my experience. I can quite understand a couple not wanting a baby crying through the ceremony or speeches but to be worried about a baby "distracting" people at the reception is a bit bonkers really. Sounds like you might have dodged a bullet to be honest OP. I'd stay at home in your PJs cuddling your baby if I were you.
greenfiish · 18/04/2021 17:07

Don't go, you tried to compromise and they threw it back in your face by uninviting your DH. You'll resent getting all dressed up and leaving your baby for somewhere you don't feel welcome.

I'v done family events with a tiny baby but we've been make to feel comfortable etc, I wouldn't of made the effort otherwise.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 18/04/2021 17:09

I do think that you are being a bit melodramatic and, to be honest, even if you had the baby by then you probably wouldn’t feel up to it. It’s your brother and future SIL’s choice not to have children there be happy for them and politely decline the invitation.

Lauren15 · 18/04/2021 17:10

Why would anyone upstage the bride and groom? That’s just silly. My db got married when my dd was just a couple of months old. People cooed over her for a few minutes then got back to enjoying the wedding. It was always about the bride and groom.