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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
waitingforthenextseason · 18/04/2021 15:04

@HuxleyDog

I am overwhelmed by the responses. This is my first post. I so grateful. I can see the church spire from my bedroom window. I have come to terms with them not wanting the baby and if I am able I will go alone to the ceremony. I know I might feel differently at the time. It’s my husband‘s exclusion that I can’t come to terms with. Someone previously ( I can’t reference names) suggested my husband waits outside the church. My brother was clear this wasn’t an option as the temptation would be too great for him to come in and my parents ( who are separated) would ask him in. I am gutted by their response about my husband. There is no backstory. He was an usher at our wedding and has always got on with me and my husband. I am not mentioning anything to my husband about reception and he might not even think about going anyway. I am so grateful. DH is due back from his hobby = cycling. I will fit in on mumsnet. I have no intention of speaking to my mum again or to them about the wedding until they bring it up.
Your brother doesn't get to dictate who stands outside a church. End of.

That being said, I would possibly make an attempt to attend the ceremony since you live up the street essentially, but decline the rest of the invitation. Or just decline the whole day, saying you can't guarantee you'll be able to attend so are letting someone else have the space.

Send them a card wishing them well either way.

MrsAvocet · 18/04/2021 15:06

I'm also in the "don't go" camp for 2 reasons.
Firstly, you may well not feel up to it. You'll either

Mistressinthetulips · 18/04/2021 15:07

Absolutely no one can stop anyone standing outside a church! Do you have a long white dress anywhere you could slip into for the maximum effect? Grin
I would mention it to your parents only because I think the story passed to them might be rather different.

helpmemakeit · 18/04/2021 15:09

Wtf is wrong with your brother. Does he have form for this sort of shit? Your dil sounds fucking mental.

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2021 15:10

@HuxleyDog

I am overwhelmed by the responses. This is my first post. I so grateful. I can see the church spire from my bedroom window. I have come to terms with them not wanting the baby and if I am able I will go alone to the ceremony. I know I might feel differently at the time. It’s my husband‘s exclusion that I can’t come to terms with. Someone previously ( I can’t reference names) suggested my husband waits outside the church. My brother was clear this wasn’t an option as the temptation would be too great for him to come in and my parents ( who are separated) would ask him in. I am gutted by their response about my husband. There is no backstory. He was an usher at our wedding and has always got on with me and my husband. I am not mentioning anything to my husband about reception and he might not even think about going anyway. I am so grateful. DH is due back from his hobby = cycling. I will fit in on mumsnet. I have no intention of speaking to my mum again or to them about the wedding until they bring it up.
But do ask if it's ok for SiL to be disinvited from family events in the futrure.
MzHz · 18/04/2021 15:11

Don’t go.

They’ll probably be divorced by the time you arrange your baby’s christening Grin

pepsicolagirl · 18/04/2021 15:13

There is no way I would be attending this wedding. I can understand not wanting children at the ceremony but a newborn baby is very very different and your brother and his fiancée are being absolute wazzocks.

MrsBobDylan · 18/04/2021 15:13

They are both fucking crackers...politely decline.

TillyTopper · 18/04/2021 15:13

I'd say "I'm sorry I won't be able to come, but have a lovely day!" (and mean it). Then I'd plan something nice for myself and forget about bro and sil.

Inertia · 18/04/2021 15:13

When the time comes you might find that you’d struggle to be apart from your baby- it feels like a physical wrench to be separated. I would just decline the invitation.

If you feel up to it , there’s nothing to stop you taking a walk over to the church grounds with the baby as all the guests are arriving . That way your relatives can meet the baby but you’re not disobeying the bride and groom.

Travis1 · 18/04/2021 15:15

I’d decline now. I wouldn’t bend over backward for them. You’ll actually cause more of a distraction being there without your newborn 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsAvocet · 18/04/2021 15:17

Sorry, hit send by accident.
You'll either be very, very heaviky pregnant or have given birth very recently. You may well still be bleeding heavily, have stitches ans you might be recovering from a section. Hopefully not, but you never know. And however the birth goes you're likely to be sleep deprived and physically and mentally tired. Getting dressed up for a wedding, especially when the couple are making things difficult for you is not likely to be high on your agenda - even for your brother.
And secondly, uninviting your DH is just plain rude. "Cause a distraction"?? What on earth do they think he is going to do - climb on the top table mid speeches and hold the baby aloft Lion King style?! Expecting a new mother to leave her literally newborn baby and then excluding her husband too is ridiculous. It's a shame to miss your brother's wedding, but honestly I think the best thing to do is to politely decline and focus on yourselves and your new baby.

YellowGlasses · 18/04/2021 15:17

I’d decline and I’m fairly certain you’ll have a much nicer day with your baby and DH than you would have done at the wedding.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 18/04/2021 15:18

I honestly think I would pop up to the churchyard as a family you, DH and baby in a pram if it suited me to do so ie it wasn't pissing it down and we were all feeling up to it. Just because it is so nearby.
That way you can't be causing any issue with numbers, you just wish them well, see your family a little and then go back home and put your feet up.
If you don't go I wouldn't be surprised if people took a detour en route to the reception to see the baby anyway. If family you don't see often have come a long way they'll be keen to see baby. There's always a bit of faffing about in between the ceremony and the meal that can happily be missed.

CarrieBlue · 18/04/2021 15:22

I wouldn’t go with a newborn. It’s not fair on the baby or the bride. I don’t think the bride is BU to not want the distraction of a baby on her wedding day and I think it’s sad she’s had to ask you not to bring the baby, you should have said straight away you wouldn’t come or wouldn’t bring the baby with you.

Odd to disinvite your DH though.

mocktail · 18/04/2021 15:27

I think you're handling this very well despite feeling upset. Just keep repeating to yourself "Be the better person". As the church is so near I'd go along if you're able to but skip the reception. People won't be surprised when your baby's so small. Maybe they'll come to their senses nearer the time and be more flexible and reasonable.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 18/04/2021 15:27

It's fine to have a child free wedding. I have enjoyed both child free and child friendly ones a great deal.

For some of my friends who got married a few years later than the rest of us it was basically a cost/ space issue. They couldn't afford to accommodate all their friends 2.5 kids each which everyone understood and it was no hard feelings either way if you couldn't go plus there is often a babes in arms exception if cost/ space is the issue.

However if people who are very important to you have children then I think that you should accommodate them. A siblings child is your niece/ nephew, a part of your family and as such they should not be excluded. Friends children it's a different matter. If a sibling excludes you on account of having a child it seems like a big signal of how much they care about you.

cautiousoptimist1 · 18/04/2021 15:30

I wouldn’t go and make sure I sent a baby picture to my Mum on the morning of the wedding!!

Newestname001 · 18/04/2021 15:31

You know, OP, I don't think I'd think so hard about trying to attend the ceremony or any other part of the wedding if my baby and husband were not welcome.

As others have said, you don't know what your position will be on the day of the wedding. In your place I send a polite decline now for the whole day and relax without trying to tie yourself in knots for people who seem to think your family is an inconvenience.

I'd also (but I'm probably less generously-minded than you) send a nice card, and buy the baby something nice with the money which would have been spent on their wedding present.

Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, OP, and I hope you have a safe and swift birth! 🌹

HedgleyTheHedgehog · 18/04/2021 15:33

Sounds as though your brother has had his orders from his future wife. She sounds very precious

Do not go

SwimBaby · 18/04/2021 15:34

cautiousoptimist1 your post made me chuckle. She could go one further and send a photo of her baby wearing a little wedding outfit!

Aprilshowersandhail · 18/04/2021 15:37

Get your dm a hat printed with a photo of the baby!!

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 18/04/2021 15:39

@Dogscanteatonions

Go...and wear a fucking massive white dress
I'm afraid I rather disgracefully agree.
Cowgran · 18/04/2021 15:41

This is awful, you are definitely not being selfish at all. Faced with the same circumstances, there's not a chance I would attend the wedding. Yes it's a shame that they have had to reschedule. But a newborn baby should not be separated from its Mum unless absolutely necessary, particularly if you're breastfeeding.

Lauren15 · 18/04/2021 15:43

I would be livid if my dh was uninvited to my dh’s wedding and certainly wouldn’t go. You’ve tried hard to compromise. I don’t know why your db is being so ridiculous.

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