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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish Brother’s Wedding

491 replies

HuxleyDog · 18/04/2021 11:16

Not a day has gone by over the last couple of years when I haven’t thanked my lucky stars that things have worked out for us.
We got married just before the world span off its axis. Our jobs were secure and we decided to try for a baby and this is due at the end of July.
All this is in direct contrast to my brother. He has lost his job and his wedding has been cancelled twice. This wedding has now been rearranged for August, the same venue as previously but fu a weekday. My baby will be either a couple of weeks or a couple of days.
I could tell when I told him on Zoom there was an issue. He came into the garden a week ago and said that the baby wasn’t invited. I was devastated. He spoke about unfortunate timing. My mother told him and future SiL the reality of having a new born and how we can’t be separated and if there were issues the baby would be taken out. My brother apparently looked embarrassed but future SiL said baby would be a distraction from the wedding with aunts and cousins naturally wanting to see him.
Now if you’re with me so far I have come to terms with this. I feel sorry for them because of Covid etc that they’re not getting the wedding they want. I have told my brother that I will come alone to the ceremony all being well and DH will pop into reception to wish them well now here is my AIBU. DH is no longer invited. He was only invited as he is my husband and they don’t want him popping in and causing a distraction. I am so upset it is actually hurting.
There is no backstory. We have all always got on. There has never been any hint of either of them being anything other than down to earth.
Would you be upset? Would you say anything?

OP posts:
Ellmau · 18/04/2021 14:32

Someone's being selfish, but it's really not you, OP.

Botanica · 18/04/2021 14:32

They've had a tough time. It's really hard when things work out for others but not for you. They're clearly hurting. Sadly this is being misdirected at you and your family.

I felt the same at the time of my wedding about an immediate family member coming with their newborn. I had had multiple miscarriages and just couldn't face it. I also felt the attention would be on the baby and I just didn't want to be triggered with all those feelings of loss and grief arising on my wedding day.

It's clear you can't feasibly go in the circumstances they've suggested so I would thank them for the invitation but say sadly it's not going to work for you and wish them well. Try not to let it ruin your otherwise great relationship.

More than likely they'll regret it in the future but that's for them to reflect on not you.

I think it's sad they're been called childish, selfish, etc. Sometimes in life we have big emotions and it's a matter of making choices that allows us to navigate past them. If you've not been in other peoples shoes, please don't judge.

JustSleepAlready · 18/04/2021 14:33

@HuxleyDog

Has your brother perhaps been trying for a family or a baby of their own? It could be that the matter of having a baby is the issue and not you or your dh.

BraveGoldie · 18/04/2021 14:34

Sorry I don't understand the DH thing - is it that he would have the baby with him when popping in, and they don't want the baby to make some guest appearance and cause a sensation?

Sounds petty at best.... but pathetic really!

timeisnotaline · 18/04/2021 14:35

To help get over it without fuming, from now on you and dh can joke sil finds you too sexy to go to her wedding, you might upstage her. Hey sexy, I’m not sure you should come to the shops with me, you might distract passing motorists.
Even better if sil hears this is your line!

Botanica · 18/04/2021 14:36

@JustSleepAlready

My thoughts exactly. I think this is most likely it and not something they would want to share openly.

PhatPhanny · 18/04/2021 14:36

I'm afraid I wouldn't go, if my child and my husband were not invited, then you would not catch me anywhere near there.

At most, I'd stand outside the church for when they came out, with my child and husband, then I would leave.

Your brother should be ashamed of himself!

ILoveYou3000 · 18/04/2021 14:36

Why are people missing the point

Oh the irony. Seeing as the point of OP's post was about her hurt at the exclusion of her husband.

MouseholeCat · 18/04/2021 14:38

They are cutting off their nose to spite their face. Ultimately, people will ask where you are on the day and thinking badly of them as a result. Although they'll spin it was you declining to be with the baby.

I'd definitely decline, and for any relatives who contact you ahead of the wedding to ask if they'll be able to meet your little one there I'd be telling them "We'd love to have attended, but they didn't want baby there and wouldn't accept a compromise of us tag-teaming on looking after them".

MouseholeCat · 18/04/2021 14:40

Also betting this thread ends up in the Daily Fail.... screw you journos.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 18/04/2021 14:40

They are being massive dicks. Decline.

They are very silly if they think that your relatives won't be talking about your newborn, asking your mum and brother if they met the baby and asking to see pics.

Send a card and forget about it. Thanks

Dixiechickonhols · 18/04/2021 14:44

They are being totally ridiculous. If it’s near one option would be for DH to sit outside with baby in pram and then you literally go in room for ceremony then leave. I’m thinking a hotel type set up where he could wait in garden or get a coffee in bar. They’d probably hate it though as relatives will pop over to see baby!

Frokkolini · 18/04/2021 14:47

Sorry to hear this OP. I do hope you and your DBro can find a way to reconcile this problem. Did you laugh when they said DH couldn't come? Was your reaction marked in a way so that they could it was unreasonable/a bit silly?

I know PPs have mentioned there could be an underlying personal problem. I don't expect them to talk openly but if they see their actions are very hurtful it may open up a dialogue.

Or SIL is not the person you thought and is the first step towards pulling you and DBro apart?

It's a bit bizarre. Good luck with chatting to DH.

diddl · 18/04/2021 14:47

So baby not being invited automatically uninvites Op.

And from this they have assumed that your husband wouldn't want to go alone & he therefore is no longer invited?

They just don't want to risk the baby or either parent being there, do they?

Next your mum won't be invited in case she's asked about her GC!!

I would say if you want to pop to the ceremony to see your brother married then do so.

If asked about baby/reception, you could be kind & say you didn't feel up to it or could just say that baby & husband weren't invited.

Ineedaneasteregg · 18/04/2021 14:48

Very true, but I presume the bride and groom have paid for hire of the church on their wedding day and as such, want it to be a child free environment for the occasion.

You don't pay for the hire of the church. Covid not withstanding a church is a public building of worship.
If SIL/db want a guaranteed child free environment then they needed to hire a private secular building.

Goblin74 · 18/04/2021 14:49

Not being selfish at all.
I wouldn't be going.

What horrible, self-centred people they are

MargosKaftan · 18/04/2021 14:51

Another in the the "dont go" camp.

I was asked to attend a wedding 3 hours drive from my house (which to be fair, was the bride's home town), 6 weeks after my due date and babies weren't welcome. I just declined and sent a card /gift. It wasn't a sibling though.

You can't go. The bride clearly doesn't want you there as she doesn't want anyone discussing anything other than her. But this is probably going to be the first family event since covid, so there's going to be lots of catching up. Silly woman.

Decline for you all. Be open with family that as babies aren't welcome you can't attend, but as you live so close to the church, you are happy for family members travelling to pop in for a cup of tea on the morning before the wedding/after the wedding before the reception to meet the baby.

Happytobejabbed · 18/04/2021 14:55

I don’t think you’ll be able to go for a couple of reasons.....

  1. Either seriously pregnant/just had the baby. ( in the past a new mother+ baby wern’t supposed to go out? )
  1. After what has been said. People being invited/uninvited etc.

The whole situation doesn’t bode well for your future relationship with both your brother and future SIL.

I like to think that if I were in this situation I’d keep a dignified silence - but I suspect my tongue would get the better of me if others asked why I wasn’t there. ( and I’d tell them straight too.)

More importantly hope you, OH and baby are all ok.

Moelwynbach · 18/04/2021 14:59

Write them a letter telling them whst you think and then don't go. Self absorbed idiots.

billy1966 · 18/04/2021 14:59

@Botanica

If that was indeed the case that they were having difficulties, wouldn't it be far better for brother to pass a discreet word via his mother to explain quietly the lay of the land.

I bet anyone reasonable would embrace their choice without comment.

This has a real whiff of nastiness to it towards OP , her husband and future child.

No need for it, no matter what the background.

user1498216537 · 18/04/2021 15:00

i most certainly would not go and i would say the exact reason why, he is being manipulated by future sister in law by the sounds of it . if your new baby and hubby cant go tell him to go run. and i would be very weary of the new sister in law in the future,she must be a very jealous person and i would advise your bro to think carefully about what he is about to do ,as things will only get worse. i hope your new baby arrives safe and well.

lalafafa · 18/04/2021 15:00

horrible behaviour on their part, don't go and enjoy your baby.

saraclara · 18/04/2021 15:00

If you don't go, please make sure that everyone you know who is going, understand why you're not there, and the decisions and conditions that your DB and his bridezilla have made. Because I don't put it past her to spin things an entirely different way.

Your poor mum must be so embarrassed and upset.does she have any influence at all over your brother?

billybagpuss · 18/04/2021 15:02

I’d go to the church with baby, I’m sure your dm would love a cuddle with her dgc and mention to the most indiscreet person that you can find that you won’t be going to the rest of the day as dc and DH weren’t invited. Then go home and put your feet up.

MeridianB · 18/04/2021 15:02

Can’t believe how ridiculously vile and self-obsessed they both are..

Whether it’s your DB or SIL or both driving this (esp about your DH), it’s totally unacceptable.

Decline and focus on your own lovely event. 💐

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