Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

@BungleandGeorge. I’m definitely overanalysing it. 100%.

I like the idea of having a child. But reality is different. And the hard work that goes with it. Is it terrible to say I couldn’t be arsed?

And I’d chose my partner over having a child if that’s what it came down too. No question.

Well your decision is made!

Lol @Isthereaduckinthehouse. He’s not perfect and can be a twat. But I trust him and he’s mentioned having a vasectomy if we commit to child free life.

I maybe am naive but never would I believe he’d leave for another woman and have a baby with her. Never. I know if happens though and for that I’m devastated for the woman involved. I hate that level of betrayal.

[quote ED81]@BungleandGeorge. I’m definitely overanalysing it. 100%.

I like the idea of having a child. But reality is different. And the hard work that goes with it. Is it terrible to say I couldn’t be arsed?

And I’d chose my partner over having a child if that’s what it came down too. No question.[/quote]
I love this - I also can't be arsed with the hard work

The desire to sire a child can come late for men, particularly if they find a younger woman. The prospect of a 28 year old, desperate to have a child is alluring to them. The sex is awesome and makes him feel virile. If a child ensues, off he goes into the sunset knowing that he won't have to do fuck all in terms of rearing the child.
An equal partner, while comfortable and safe, can often be enough for a man without children, but not always.

Men mostly work on the philosophy 'you're only as young as the woman you feel'.

A younger woman who might produce an heir for them, why wouldn't they?

What reasons have you had up until now OP for not having a child?
Has anything changed or is it just that the door was open but now it's closed?
Have you really discussed how you're currently feeling with your DH?

Has your DH been married before?
How long have you been married to him?

Has he clarified why he doesn't want a child?

You've had loads of differing opinions and comments on here op. I think one is the issues is you won't necessarily make a decision and then be done with it. You might decide (tonight/next week/next month) that you are definitely right to not pursue having kids. But that won't guarantee that you won't regret it in 10 years time. I think that's what you're after if I'm reading you right - hearing something from one of us that will make you think YES that's it, I definitely don't want kids and I am completely confident in that decision and I know I won't regret it later in life. I just don't think you'll ever get that level of confidence.

I'm as happy as I think I can be with not having kids (albeit as explained earlier we did try and it didn't happen) but that's not to say I don't get the odd pang of sadness especially when friends get pregnant (less and less due to our age but still happens as we have some younger friends). It happens, I feel a bit sad, a bit ' what if' but then it goes away.

It's actually loads easier when kids are not an option anymore!

OP does some part of you feel rejected by your partner's decision?

Maybe (subconsciously?) you wish he'd say he can't wait to make you the mother of his children. That he never wanted kids before but getting to know you, and all your amazing qualities, has changed his mind.

I might be completely wrong but you seem aware of the benefits of being childfree and yet still experiencing distress. I wondered if this might be why.

@ED81

Lol *@Isthereaduckinthehouse*. He’s not perfect and can be a twat. But I trust him and he’s mentioned having a vasectomy if we commit to child free life.

I maybe am naive but never would I believe he’d leave for another woman and have a baby with her. Never. I know if happens though and for that I’m devastated for the woman involved. I hate that level of betrayal.

Look, OP, relationships end for all kinds of reasons. I can think of several male friends who were indifferent to children in the longterm relationships they were in when I knew them first, but who had babies fairly quickly in new relationships because their new partners were very keen to have them, and that coincided with the first flush of love/sexual excitement in the new set-up.

There are men (and women, for that matter) who take on the colouring of whoever they're in a relationship with, and that can be in small things like clothing and hobbies ('John likes me to dress like this!'
'Sandra likes me to keep fit, so I go to the gym daily!') or things as big as having children.

I don't have children. I've never particularly wanted them, and never met anyone I really wanted to be their father.

I think you should only have children if you are sure you want them Ideally, you'll have a partner of the same mind though its fine to go it alone.

Good on you for deciding, and enjoy your life.

[quote ED81]@BungleandGeorge. I’m definitely overanalysing it. 100%.

I like the idea of having a child. But reality is different. And the hard work that goes with it. Is it terrible to say I couldn’t be arsed?

And I’d chose my partner over having a child if that’s what it came down too. No question.[/quote]
I don’t think some of what is involved is attractive to anyone but I suppose it depends if you think the good bits make up for it?
I do t think anyone can tell you the answer. I know people without children who don’t regret it and some that do. From the outside they all seem very happy to me and have great lives. If your relationship did end how would you feel? Would you still be happy having no Children? Would you prefer an independent life on your own, with freedom to do what you like? Or would you resent not having children?

Making decisions can be really hard, and this is a huge decision that will affect the rest of your life so no wonder you're struggling.

I like the idea of having a child. This stood out to me. You say you've had no big urges but there is a quiet, curious urge there.

If your DH said "you know what? Let's do it! Let's try!" How would you feel? Excited? Nervous? Start thinking of names?
...Or dread?

How did you feel when he said he thinks you should stay childfree - massively relieved and like a weight has lifted, or still uneasy?

I'm childfree (not by choice) but I have come to terms with if it doesn't happen, I'll still be okay. But only because I know I would have tried 100% and accepted my infertility.

You absolutely lead a content and fulfilling life without DC there's no question there but really try and pay attention to those initial reactions x

[quote ED81]@BungleandGeorge. I’m definitely overanalysing it. 100%.

I like the idea of having a child. But reality is different. And the hard work that goes with it. Is it terrible to say I couldn’t be arsed?

And I’d chose my partner over having a child if that’s what it came down too. No question.[/quote]
If you’d chose your partner above a child you’d had then don’t have children

And I always get a bit irritated about the I can’t be arsed with the hard work shite
It’s hard work but the rewards are by and large immense. Beyond anything else I she’s ever worked hard for and as I came to motherhood relatively late on as an modern woman I feel qualified to say that.

By all means don’t have children but please don’t turn this debate into something denigrating children and parenthood

The truth is if you chose not to have children there is fuck all you’d walk back into a burning building for or do anything for.Until or unless you have children you aren’t equally blessed and equally burdened with that overwhelming feeling.

So stop with the navel gazing make a choice and live with it to your fullest either way.

@Isthereaduckinthehouse. We’ve been married 8 years. Neither been married before.
We’ve not wanted children due to the level of hard work and commitment to it. It’s all consuming and we’d lose our sense of freedom, lack of sleep with little to no social support.

I think the pressure is now due to age.
My husband knows fully that I’m struggling. He’s v supportive.

@Cleverpolly3

Totally agree 👏 👏 👏

Also husbands come and go....I know at least 3 men I could immediately name who "didn't want children" in their 40s and then traded their wives in for someone else and low behold.....now have children 🤷‍♀️

Don't make the mistake of not having children and building your life around someone who could easily not be here in 5 years time either by choice or Not. Last time I checked the divorce rate was still 1/4

for me, i needed children, could not think of anything else. There was no cons.
until pregnancy, then realisation hit but obvs by then its too late ;)

i dont regret a thing. Its just a different way to live having kids, some days i will give it a 4/10. most days is 10/10 and i smile when i think about my kids.

best of luck in your decision, if you will regret it more not having one, you better get your skates on!
forget the cons, listen to your gut

I think you should try and have a baby op. Just make a decision, tell your husband you want to try, put a timeline, maybe 6 mths and if it doesn't happen that's it. Your husband will not make that decision for you. But you said he is willing to support you with whatever you want. Maybe then you will stop going back and forth about this, knowing that you have tried both sides.

@Cleverpolly3 do you think you're taking this thread a little personally?

The OP not wanting to take on the hard work that comes with a child is not denigrating parenthood or children. It's a valid feeling, and a concern that people should consider before making such a huge decision, surely?

I'm not sure if this thread is helpful OP, but hopefully getting a good mix from both sides and a whole host of experiences gives you some food for thought.

If your DH said "you know what? Let's do it! Let's try!" How would you feel? Excited? Nervous? Start thinking of names?

As I posted above we came to a decision which could have gone either way. But once we did that's exactly how I felt - excited, nervous and thinking of names. Oh, and the embarrassment of telling people because I had been that person who was never going to have kids, the one who never cooed over babies brought into work.

*And I always get a bit irritated about the I can’t be arsed with the hard work shite
It’s hard work but the rewards are by and large immense. Beyond anything else I she’s ever worked hard for and as I came to motherhood relatively late on as an modern woman I feel qualified to say that.

By all means don’t have children but please don’t turn this debate into something denigrating children and parenthood

The truth is if you chose not to have children there is fuck all you’d walk back into a burning building for or do anything for.Until or unless you have children you aren’t equally blessed and equally burdened with that overwhelming feeling.*

Seriously? Not wanting the hard work of parenting is in no way denigrating parenthood or children. Some people are desperate for kids, love parenting and thing all the low points, sacrifice and yes, hard work, is worth it, and that’s great! Good for them. Honestly, I’m not being sarcastic. For others, the hard work is not worth it and does not appeal. They’re unbothered or actively adverse to everything to do with parenthood - pregnancy, birth, baby care, lack of sleep, bodily fluids, stress, tantrums, lack of freedom etc. That’s also fine. The fact that some people are willing to take on the above and enjoy parenthood is not in any way diminished by the fact some people don’t want any part of it. And you can’t presume to know what people would or wouldn’t run into a burning building for. Non parents might not experience what it’s like to have and love a child, but it’s patronising and incorrect to say they won’t experience ‘proper love’ at all. There are many types of love and they don’t have to involve having kids. Some people are fine with the thought of never experiencing the love for and of a child. And some parents, unfortunately, wouldn’t run into a burning building for their child. A relative of mine’s mother told him for his entire childhood that she wished her abortion had worked, and they haven’t spoken now for over 30 years. Not everyone should be a parent.

@ED81 I remember you from the previous thread. I'm glad you have both come to a decision and that you feel happy with the outcome.

I too think that your indecision was due to societal pressure rather than you really wanting children, so definitely think you've made the right decision for you both.

You are going to have a fabulous life so enjoy.

[quote TreeDice]@Cleverpolly3 do you think you're taking this thread a little personally?

The OP not wanting to take on the hard work that comes with a child is not denigrating parenthood or children. It's a valid feeling, and a concern that people should consider before making such a huge decision, surely?

I'm not sure if this thread is helpful OP, but hopefully getting a good mix from both sides and a whole host of experiences gives you some food for thought.[/quote]
No
It’s entirely up to the OP
She asked for view so I have given them.

Please don’t patronise me for doing this.
Whether a stranger I never have and never will meet never mind care about had a child or not is irrelevant to me

My personal journey is not
I shared it
End of