Childfree debate - extreme

[ED81]

Might not be the correct section for this....

So my husband and I have spoken and spoken. My mood has been in my boots about my indecision about having children or not. I’ve been very tearful and it’s consumed me over the last 2 months - mainly due to being 40 very soon. I’ve asked him to make the final choice.

He thinks we should be childfree.
My level of indecision was too much and was making me ill. This without doubt has been the hardest debate I’ve had.

I am maternal but that can come in different shapes and forms. Having a child for old age isn’t good enough. Or incase I regret not doing it. We’d not cope with additional needs and that is so unpredictable and a gamble. Obviously lots of screening can happen in pregnancy but not for all conditions such as autism which obviously is a spectrum but can be extreme. My husband is late 40s so apparently the risk increases.

There is no particular reason why we couldn’t have kids. We have good jobs, a nice house and a disposable income but that desire just isn’t there. My husband had said he would if I had wanted but that he has no ambition to be a father. I love and respect him so much for being honest with me. And for potentially doing something that I wanted when he wasn’t keen!

Has anyone else struggled with this choice as much?! I feel a bit mad that it been so difficult at my end.

But looks like we will be childfree. And you know what? We’ll be ok.

My son is Autistic and I would not change him for the world. Never did I think we would cope with additional needs. However he has a heart murmur, eating disorder, ocd on top of other needs. Yet he is the most loving little boy in the world. Can be an absolute s**t at times but so can his neurotypical brother. Fact is you either want kids or you don't. Additional needs should not be a factor. Who's to say (and I hate using the word) a normal child will not be involved in an accident or develop cancer. If your not cut out for Children or don't want them that's entirely your decision but as a mum to a child on the spectrum I feel like you don't understand how amazing autistic children are.

Ok, now to my perceived positives of having a child

You will be handed the most beautiful child the world has ever seen doesn't matter if he resembles a sunburned toad
The gut punching sense of love and responsibility will be something you'll never experience for anything else
Their little hands. They will put their little hand around your little finger and the joy is like nothing else.
You get to pick a name! This, is something which you will obsess over for 9 months. It's a monumental decision which could potentially affect their career prospects. it won't, but you don't want to call them Popette in case they want to become a judge or something You get to pick someone's name!
They adore you. No questions asked. You are their everything.
About 6 weeks in they smile when they see you! Nobody's smile, ever, in the whole wide world will ever compare to that
They do nothing for a while only stress you out, but they have good lungs when crying so you wonder whether they might become an opera singer, but then one day they start to say 'da da da da da da da da'
Then they start to sit up and you are pretty sure they are showing signs of becoming an Olympic athlete. This promise can be displayed as young as 9 months.
The start to crawl and you are sure you have a worthy opponent to Usain Bolt
They headbutt you and you feel a rush of love
They ate some organic something or another and you can see that they were born with exquisite taste
Granny thinks that Mensa isn't a sufficient organisation for the level of intelligence your baby displays
You dress them up, take photos and you get 2 likes on Facebook! That's because the rest of your friends are jealous of how beautiful your child is.
They start to walk. Wow. Just wow.
They say Mamma. You cry.
They are adorably cute and come to you for cuddles and reassurance when upset. They love you wholly and completely and without question.
Your mother enters them in a Bonny Baby competition and they win. You object to the objectification of babies but the trophy is displayed nonetheless.
They clap their hands at singalong. Definitely clapping in time to the music compared to the other babies.
And on and on and on

This is such a strange take. Why are you dictating the contraception choice of people who choose to be child free? Really strange.
I don't think it was dictating the choice, just an observation. I often wondered about it myself, because I did observe more than one case where a man was fiercely childfree with his previous partner... only to then change his mind in a matter of days when meeting someone new.

I have a dear friend whose ex-H flipped when she was 42 (and him - 50 something), left her and had a baby with a 20-something OW. He was the one who was adamant they should never have a child, and was oh so vocal about it being selfish bringing children to this cruel world, adding to the climate change, genetics on his side being poor, we will contribute in other ways etc etc. My friend wanted a child but she really loved the guy, and obviously respected his wishes.

Now he is expecting his third child, and his facebook is plastered with family wholesomeness. "Oh jeez, guess what! We will need a bigger house AGAIN!" (illustrated with the happy family with theatrical oopsy-daisy faces holding a prenatal scan photo).
My friend had several rounds of donor insemination and several rounds of IVF so far. Last year probably was her last chance, as she was due to try a new protocol (she's approaching 47 now), but fertility clinics were closed due to covid. She's in a bad place mentally, and all her savings gone on treatments.

I’d never leave my husband over this. Ever. Our marriage is great. Like I say my ambivalence was there prior to meeting him.

You have also said that he doesn't want a child.

So there's your answer! Baby is out of the question.

You did ask so I'd say you've left it too late for a first child.

There would neve be a guarantee you could conceive, and the risks are greater all round.

So best to accept that, and as they say move on.

You won't leave him and he doesn't want a child. You don't have an option ED81! Embrace your life and your future without wondering about children. You have left it late in the day which suggests you're not terribly keen to start with, but with an entirely reluctant husband, it's not actually an option to consider! Just close the door on it and get on with enjoying life.

I’d say that unless you’re certain you want them, don’t have kids. I had a baby despite being unsure. There are moments of joy and I love her to bits but I can’t honestly say my life is better than before and if I had my time again I’m not sure I would’ve made the same choice.

@forinborin. That is so incredibly sad. Your friend has been betrayed beyond words.

Yeah @YellowFish1647. I do agree.

The old age thing plays on my mind but need to put that to rest as it isn’t a reason to bring a human being into this world. A grown up child might not live local, not want to visit, be physically or mentally unwell or be estranged from you as parents.

That’s the thing with having a child. There is so many unknowns. Regardless of how good your parenting is - a child can still have a string of issues. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Grown up kids with addiction issues, mental health problems, law breaking (minor and serious)

We went through this when I was 37 and DH was 46.
Neither of us ever had a burning desire for children, I had kind of thought I wouldn't have any, not least because I thought you needed to be very desperate to have them.
Anyway on balance we decided the risk of regret was too high and went for it. We gad been together 20 years and I had never got pregnant so I suspected it might not happen.
It did, first time.
Without doubt the best thing I ever did in my life. My only regret is not starting sooner.
This was 25 years ago and I have two grown sons.

I think that if you have to debate this issue all the time, and that your Husband would be happy to be childfree, and that you are looking at having a child, that could have problems etc, but you just like idea of happy happy times with a small child etc. This isn't really positive thinking about having a baby.

It sounds like you both have good jobs etc, and would not wish to interrupt them,or alter your lifestyle at all, so may have to have some daycare things for a small child all the time.

I am only saying this, as I would not have had a baby or two years ago, who I had to have child care for,as I was a SAHM.

@Doxie8

I'm similar to you OP. The decision has consumed my life for the last couple of years. Deep down I know having kids is not the right choice for me, and I have no desire to, but it's very hard to not conform and hearing parents talking about all the joy and happiness does make me wonder if I'm missing out. It's such a tough one.

Absolutely @Doxie8. We sound similar. Maybe dammed if we do. Dammed if we don’t.

@TreeDice

I'm sorry this has been such a rollercoaster for you.

Agree with PP, kids aren't mandatory. As a fellow child free woman who has wobble sometimes, I remind myself that the fact that the desire isn't there for me is reason enough. I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them as that brings a lot of emotional baggage in the mix.

Good luck!

Thanks @TreeDice. Nice to hear from child free women. I could also just be having a wobble re it.

I have a few in couple friends who are child free. I know one is happy for sure as I’ve asked her directly. Her husband has always wanted but he knew from word go she didn’t and that is that. They don’t have. Full stop.

To be honest OP judging from @Boph comment and others / I have rarely heard people who though it might not be for them but took the plunge anyway regret it. I find this tends to be the minority.

I actually find those who think they definitely no question want kids find out quite soon it was never what it was cracked up to be - I think to go in pessimistic is a good way to be - things can only get better then right?

I have a group of friends who I hand conversations with about being on the fence and they basically were quite mean to me saying - what are you so scared for, don't have them then if you don't want them, or - it can't be that hard, blah blah, they were anything BUT supportive which is why I value threads like this.

Now most of that group are seriously struggling with new borns - one is drinking excessively and basically become an alcoholic to get through it.

And this was supposedly someone who was desperate for kids?

My point is - you won't know until you have them but not overtly wanting them is not a sure sign you won't enjoy motherhood

Parenting is very very hard work. Would you manage when you're feeling strung out, baby is crying, you haven't slept or had a moment to yourself for ages and he decides to swan off to the pub for the evening because it was "you that wanted the baby in the first place" so essentially leaves you to deal with everything baby-related?

You might have a great marriage now but in the above scenario resentment can soon grow.

We’ll be ok.

It is possible for you to be very much better than OK. You have had the choice to have children and have decided against. There are lots of benefits. It doesn't sound right to enumerate them all in a thread on a parenting site but seriously, they are absolutely available.

Now that you have made your decision to take it easy on yourself, Look at it as a choice and enjoy the benefits. It would really not be a good idea to allow any regret to chew you up and spoil your life.

I also think you have a dilemma given what other PP have said that it sounds like he will leave a lot of the parenting duties to you as he doesn't want to be a parent. How would you feel about that?

And given your age on the nicest way possible but to leave him, find a new partner, have enough time to get to know them and then have a baby whilst is not impossible - is unlikely. Sorry, just my honest opinion.

@lovevlyt. That’s what makes me so uncertain. I know it’s bloody hard work. Your friend is drinking loads to cope? That doesn’t sound like fun.

I’d also worry about the impact on my marriage. I know not everyone seems to think it here but my husband is wonderful. I’m so fortunate to have him in my life. I’d do anything for him. And him for me (including having a baby!)

I have three children one of them born at 39 the other two at 41 and 42
I couldn’t describe for you how much I love my children and I am a single parent to them 24/7
They are fucking hard work but they are the loves of my life beyond anything snd anyone else.
If there is the slightest hesitation about not not having children then I would listen to that

I totally agree and accept motherhood is not for everyone nor should it be since it is all consuming in all sense of the word. I have also had a termination and lost a baby so have been on the other side.

You still hold all your cards
If you are at all doubtful I would listen to that

Good luck whatever you decide
When I became a mother I had had a really fun exciting life, a couple of fantastic love affairs and good times , a great career I knew who I was. I thought I knew who I was and then I saw my first child as he came into the world and at that moment it all paled into total insignificance

Nothing had or will ever be as exciting and fulfilling and full of wonder for me as being a mother. Nothing and nobody will ever come close to the feeling I get when I look at them all.

I think you’re overanalysing, wanting children isn’t really a case of writing down ‘for’ and ‘against’, you don’t know what the future will bring. Do you feel a need inside to have a child? Forget whether it’s difficult because many things in life worth doing are difficult. And don’t concentrate on having a ‘baby’ as that is a very short phase. What do you feel if you imagine never having a child?if you had to choose partner or child what would you choose?

Yes @FinallyHere. I know I need to not allow regret to chew me up. I’m very mindful of that.

@lovevlyt, I do believe that the bulk of parenting duties would fall to me. My husband certainly isn’t one for the pub at all (if ever)but does have lots of hobbies that he loves and are important to him. My hobby list is far far less. Maybe that’s what my issue is too. I’ve got to much time to think. I’ve got a busy, stressful job and afterwards I like to come home and be in the house. I love it. But does allow my brain to wander somewhat! I’m certainly an over thinker and do experience (mild to moderate) anxiety.

Yes but my earlier point of my friend drinking my excessively is that she supposedly really wanted kids because I don't think she's given the reality any thought and therefore it hit her like a ton of bricks.

On the flip side those that fully think it through in my experience, do not go into it with rose tinted specs and in lost cases enjoy it because of this.

If you listen to most the posters here it seems to be the ones that though like us that are pleasantly surprised and it's the best thing they did.

So - my point, is that being desperate for kids and excited about it in no ways determines if you'll enjoy motherhood once it arrives, in my opinion.

It seems pretty obvious from what you've written you don't want to have children, you're just struggling with that fact.

You would know of you wanted children, you really would.

For every person who posts who complete their life is now they have DC there is another posting how they have regrets.

It's fine not to have children, it really is!

I do believe that the bulk of parenting duties would fall to me. My husband certainly isn’t one for the pub at all (if ever)but does have lots of hobbies that he loves and are important to him. My hobby list is far far less.

But parenting doesn't fall solely or even mostly to the person with fewer hobbies, or fewer 'important' hobbies. If you have a baby together, more hobbies doesn't trump fewer hobbies. You arrange things so that you have equal free time.

I’d also worry about the impact on my marriage. I know not everyone seems to think it here but my husband is wonderful. I’m so fortunate to have him in my life. I’d do anything for him. And him for me (including having a baby!) said every mother until a baby arrived and realised that he was a monumental selfish twat. Just before he fucked off to have a baby with a younger lady who expected nothing of him.