Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

Well up until now my DD was happy to include SD because they were getting on so well. They’d have fun, we’d all have a nice time and I was trying to be a nice SM by including and trying to bond with her.

@AlfieMoonhead this sounds so hard! Some of it will just be typical pre teen stuff but sounds hard. If you get a lock for your daughters room get one for SD room too.

I'm surprised that your h wouldn't spare his dd's feelings and not mention the horses if she didn't know about them via you or you dd having your location enabled. I'm not suggesting that he lie but it's absolutely bizarre that she turned up shouting for her Dad then joined in the visit with the horses. If my child did that I'd be leaving tbh - she's not a toddler

You need to protect your DD from SD. Get a lock and stop sharing anything. Nip this in the bud now. SD will get worse and will start making DD's life a misery.

I think your H should have taken the daughter straight home when she turned up in the field. Who does that? Even a toddler needs to learn that that sort of behaviour is not tolerated.

You’re trying too hard to be nice, to the detriment of your own Dd. SD is spoilt and being a brat. If your dh won’t stand up to her, you need to, in order to protect your own child.

Tit for tat exclusions of the girls will just escalate things, your home will become a pre-teen war zone.
You need to sit down with DSD and find out where the resentment of your DD is coming from and deal with it like adults.

SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.
You need to insist your dh puts a stop to this sort of nonsense.
Allowing her to act like a bloody brat for a entire weekend before asking her to stop? Allowing her to be ferried over to muscle in on a treat for your dd?
Why isn't he stepping up and parenting her properly?

Couple of occasions where by youre dd gasdone something nice and she wasnt included in your op and she later found out so she's decided to return to favour when she's having a party her mother has organised. Consider for a second also be weird having your step daughter there at the party for the morher so it might have come from mum herself?

"I’m sure that any of those options would go down like a lead balloon with SD, her mum and even my DH."

Why does your step-daughter's mother have so much say in what goes on in your house? What does having a lock on your daughter's door have to do with her? And if your husband doesn't like it, tell him it's his job to keep his daughter out of your daughter's room if she doesn't want her there. As a PP said, today has set a precedent; your step daughter didn't invite your daughter to her party (which is fine, she can invite who she wants) so your daughter doesn't have to share everything with her either.

@Footloosefancyfree This isn't at all equivelant though, surely you can see that. Popping out for a one on one meet up with a friend isn't the same as actually having a birthday party with an entire group of friends.

DD can't be expected to sit in her bedroom while DSD is at her mum's so that DSD doesn't feel left out. DSD also is entitled to meet up with friends one on one - it doesn't always have to be a big group outing. That's completely different from excluding one person from a group from a big event.

Your DH needs to deal with all if this a bit better than he has been, right from accepting the changes to his weekend right from the start.

@AlfieMoonhead

DH is really upset about it but has no control over the situation because it’s his ex who has organised it. He did text his ex explaining it would have been nice to include my DD, she just said “SD doesn’t want her here” and that was that.

I honestly feel like stopping going over and above for her now.

So next time she is tantrumming and mom wants to drop her off to you to join in without activities the response can be dd doesnt want her here

Or you could keep getting walked all over

It would be interesting to know why they are in the same friendship group of 6, I don’t think you’ve said? Do they have school friends or hobbies in common?
I know more than one couple who have started seeing a parent of a child in the same class as their child. If it’s that it’s incredibly difficult for the children as they are expected to spend a lot of time with the other kid who otherwise they probably wouldn’t choose to. If it’s that I’d try and get them in different schools or at least different classes with different friends in a large school as there will inevitably be animosity.

Or you could keep getting walked all over
Seriously, op, you sound so weak willed, to be brutally honest. You don't need anyone's permission to have your daughter's back, particularly not your dh's when he's happy to have his own dd treated like royalty in your dd's own home and seems not to give a toss bout how this impacts on your dd.
Stand up for both of you.

From the dd pov she sees two friends meeting up in the park then another time where they go and see horses and is left out, don't forget is is a11/12 year old preteen girls. They will clash and bicker not to meantion they have been thrown together by circumstances. I do think op your blindsided by your dd and its likely there is fault on both sides.

I am a bit confused about how they ended up with mutual friends if they are not at the same school or the same age.
She is clearly jealous. I would let your daughter have a party and leave her out to see how she feels.

@Footloosefancyfree

Yes kids are immature and sometimes see things from a very one sided point of view. It's then the adult's responsibility to point out that 1) DD is allowed to have a life when DSD isn't there 2) Both girls can have separate meet ups with friends, it doesn't always have to be a group thing 3) If you do decide to have a group thing, it isn't nice to exclude one person.

My eldest is only 9, almost 10. Sometimes he's been hurt because X and Y went to the zoo and he wasn't included. As the adult I sympathise with his feelings but remind him he often only gets to invite one friend on a day out and that doesn't mean he doesn't like his other friends. If he was having a birthday party, I'd ensure everyone in his group was included. DSD probably isn't a terrible person, but the adults in her life do need to help her behave kindly and reasonably towards her friends. Everyone has irrational feelings sometimes but you shouldn't be encouraged to act on them.

@AlfieMoonhead

Well up until now my DD was happy to include SD because they were getting on so well. They’d have fun, we’d all have a nice time and I was trying to be a nice SM by including and trying to bond with her.

You were right to be kind. If you had 2 daughters then you'd be finding the current stage hard as y7 in secondary and y6 at primary is a much bigger difference than y6 and y5 in primary.

It's not uncommon to try and be like this but sd needs her Dad to quash this. You are treating sd like an important member of the family but your dd is equally important. It's not your DD's fault that she lives where she lives and doesn't deserve to be treated second class. The rules need to be the same for both girls. Quite frankly the hounding of your dd all weekend until your h asked her to stop was unacceptable. He should have told her to stop immediately and it should have been a firm enough warning that the horse and gloating incidents didn't happen. It doesn't help that her mum is similar but you have control over how you and h react. If his ex tries the inequality crap over a fucking notebook you bought at Sainsbury's then he needs to tell her to fuck off and not tell you this shit. Failure to tackle this risks making your dd a doormat in future.

@Diverseopinions

Do you think the exclusion from the party could be because you didn't take SD to see horses and maybe a few other things, like the park visit, she was excluded from?

It must be very hard for SD to see her dad leave her home and then acquire another little girl, (step) daughter who is virtually her age. It's like being replaced. If he has spare funds for treats and an eye for what will be a fun excursion, and the gift of being kind and funny, your daughter is reaping the benefit of having him around, while his own daughter, is maybe living with a mum who struggles as a single parent, talks about the cost of living and coping with things on her own.

I don't think being tough on your SD is going to be good for anyone. Don't let her lose her dad, and don't let all the conversations when she's there be negative ones.

You're re writing the situation.

If the DC were great friends I'd be disappointed. I think I'd ignore it and explain to DD why it happened.
At least she'll be armed against vindictive behaviour from her DSS in the future.

HamAndButterSandwich

I suspect there's alot more to it than op is unaware of. I don't believe for a second she would suddenly go from excluding her when she previously included her..the likelihood is they are most likely equally has bad as each other. Its very typical sibling behaviour. They both need to sat down and talking about being kinda.. I'm wondering how she knew about the horses unless they dd posted up rubbing dsd nose in it. I grew up with a brother who would be quite sneeky and like to rub my face in it without my parents knowing what he was saying.

If he has spare funds for treats and an eye for what will be a fun excursion, and the gift of being kind and funny, your daughter is reaping the benefit of having him around,

The outing was free and the horse owner was a friend of OP's so could have happened regardless of the husband.

OP you need to start standing up for your poor DD. I feel really sorry for her. It may be uncomfortable for you but that's tough - it's your job to protect her from this kind of shit in life, not enable people to treat her badly in her own home.

I would be including DSD less - obviously her relationship with her father is for him to manage.

@Footloosefancyfree There is literally no indication of that from what OP has said. It sounds more like DSD is insecure and a bit jealous (understandable) but the situation has been worsened because instead of drawing firm bounaries while reassuring DSD that her dad loves her and she's an important member of the family SD has been allowed to control the situation be demanding to be included in everything DD. This doesn't make DSD feel more secure as she's constantly ringing her dad worrying if DD has had a treat she hasn't and it's massively unfair on DD. What should be happening is that DH should be talking to his daughter, reassure her that she's loved and important but that DD is entitled to a life while she's not there. It's healthy for them to have some time apart an she doesn't have a right to be included in everything DD does, especially when she doesn't always include DD.