Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

Do you think the exclusion from the party could be because you didn't take SD to see horses and maybe a few other things, like the park visit, she was excluded from?

It must be very hard for SD to see her dad leave her home and then acquire another little girl, (step) daughter who is virtually her age. It's like being replaced. If he has spare funds for treats and an eye for what will be a fun excursion, and the gift of being kind and funny, your daughter is reaping the benefit of having him around, while his own daughter, is maybe living with a mum who struggles as a single parent, talks about the cost of living and coping with things on her own.

I don't think being tough on your SD is going to be good for anyone. Don't let her lose her dad, and don't let all the conversations when she's there be negative ones.

I'm wondering if as a whole your daughter gets to do more either with just you or with your husband as well?
SD’s mum is very involved with SD, if anything SD is a tad spoilt. My DD does nothing alone with my DH, ever. Literally not even once in 6 years because he would always invite SD along. My DD doesn’t see more of DH than SD due to DH’s working pattern and also because she goes to her own dad’s house frequently.

Is her sibling younger & also her sibling's father with them?
Sibling is 4 years older than her.

So that your daughter might seem to get more attention both from her own mother & her step father
I’m not sure how SD perceives things but this certainly isn’t the case.

It must seem a strange thing that someone elses daughter spends more time with your own dad!
As above.

What happened at the farm when they turned up
We heard SD shouting for her dad and turned around and there she was. No prior warning and her mum had driven off by the time SD had reached the field we were in.

Was it really your SD "going ballistic" or her mum trying to make sure that her daughter didn't miss out?
SD was shouting and crying saying it was unfair that she wasn’t invited as she was on the phone to her dad.

I'd also be wary of SD having access to your house if that also means access to your daughter's room/stuff when no one else is there
I’m not sure how I can stop this without either taking her key off her or telling her she’s not allowed in our home without us present which is massively awkward. Or getting a lock fitted to DD’s door and locking each and every time we leave the house. I’m sure that any of those options would go down like a lead balloon with SD, her mum and even my DH.

OP,
I feel so sorry for your daughter, being stuck in such an awful dynamic.

I think if you don't change your attitude of pandering to your step daughter, you are going to be VERY harshly judged by your daughter as she matures.
And rightly so in my view.

Your daughter may be appearing to say she is ok but she will have had a very tough, stressful childhood IMO.

Poor child.

This should be a big wake up call to YOU.

I have read all your posts.
Your SD clearly rules the roost.
She has zero respect for your daughters privacy.
She has learnt over the years that tantruming works.
She has learnt that you put her feelings ahead of your own child.
That if she kicks up you will placate her.
That she can be nasty to your daughter and you will stand by.
That she can be as demanding as she likes and ye will dance to her tune.
That you are more interested in keeping the peace than standing up for your own child, standing up to her father, standing up to her.

Your daughter has seen the above for years too.
Poor child.

You would be wise to stop behaving in such a helpless manner and take control of the situation.
Stand up for your daughter, put a lock on her bedroom door, stop allowing a tantruming child rule the house.

You should NEVER have foisted this arrangement on your child.
I feel so sorry for her.
Your daughter's home with the resident parent should be a safe place.
It certainly isn't for your poor child.

No doubt you will be outraged at what I have written, but just ask yourself this.

With the way your step daughter has behaved, you still allowed her to TELL YOU she was taking the balloon.

After how mean she was to your daughter.
After deliberately hurting your child, you allowed her to TELL YOU what is happening with the balloon.
I'd have burst that balloon before she would have told me she was taking it anywhere.

I repeat, your poor daughter.

Have a good hard honest look at yourself, then start standing up for her.

Your step daughter and her mother have rings run round you and your ineffectual husband.

I have two teen daughters.
There is No way ANYONE would be allowed to treat them like that in their own home, just so I could be with a man.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

How on earth did she find out whilst you were still there? Has she put a tracker on your car??

Why is she allowed to turn up at your house when ,when your dd has set times to be at her dads .
I would keep them separate for a while ,only have step dd over ,when your dd is at her dads
Then leave your dh to entertain her
Have your dd room locked
This step dd is spiteful,she will is making your dd life a misery

Honestly, most of this is for your H to sort out with his ex and his "D"D. If you get twatty texts from either the ex or the SD, just ignore them. Ideally block both if they can't be polite.

Tell your H you expect him to deal with it.

Only deal with your SD if she is in your house. Have a one, boring line that you parrot to her when she says things aren't fair that DD did something she didn't, like "You are both allowed to do and have things that the other doesn't" and repeat until you're blue in the face and she is bored. If she really kicks off or next time she starts being a gloating little madam to your DD I would give her one chance to stop and if she doesn't, she gets sent to her room, and he dad sure as hell better back you up on it. Let her tantrum in her room - and good idea to go and do something nice with DD while she's at home kicking off.

Make a point of getting the balloons brought back, and if they haven't gone, 100% don't let her take them, they were for your house FFS! If they've been popped while in their property, well then your H needs to ask his ex for the money to replace them doesn't he.

Totally agree with billy1966

@Diverseopinions SD wasn’t excluded from the park visit. My DD went with a friend from school who lives locally and has never met SD. SD was simultaneously at a deer park on a day out with her mum.
Same with the farm. They are my friends and I thought it would be nice to pop by and drop it a card and a bottle of wine as a house warming gift. They own horses, we stroked them. DD came with us because we all already in the car when we decided to stop at the shops then pop by.

@Butchyrestingface she phoned her dad whilst we were there

Even on here ,op ,you are placating people ,justifying yourself
Ffs
Grow a backbone
Your child is being bullied in her own home
Get ye to Homebase and get a lock ,with a key on your dd door

Honestly, I don’t think it is this because it’s usually things my DD and I have done alone that she licks off about. For example SD could come to ours and see DD has something new, nothing big but say a new notebook and SD will say “where did you get that?”'
My DD will reply “Oh my mum and I went to Sainsbury’s and she bought it for me” and SD will sulk and accuse me of leaving her out. '

And in your place I'd say "well i got it for my dd in x and it cost y and your mum can get you one, if she wants" and so on

The balloons? I'd just have said "no they're for here, but if your mum wants to know where we got them, we can tell her"

and so on and so on. And if your DD wants a lock for her room (I had one, because i didn't want my brother and his mates going in) that is your DDs decision and it seems quite reasonable to me.

For your DDs party i wouldn't deliberately arrange it to exclude SD but let your DD choose where, when and who to invite. As your SD did for hers.

But the gloating and the petty sniping would be getting nipped in the bud with each of you taking it on for their own daughter.

I actually think this issue stems from her mother.
Is her mother's other child much younger?
It sounds like she's jealous of the relationship your DD has with you and the one on one attention you give her, is it possible she doesn't get this at home with her own DM?

You say that her DM sends nasty messages about you treating SD unfairly, what does your DH reply to these?
It sounds like things definitely need to be more separate with his ex and her other child and with your DD and SD as other posters have said.
I agree your DD needs a lock for her door.
I have 2 DSS's and while I love them dearly they do not get to make demands about what we do in our time without them any more then I get to choose what they do with their own mothers.
I hope your DD is OK and your DH starts shutting down any more of this horrible gloating behaviour SD is showing.

It doesn't sound like DSD was 'excluded' from anything. DD went to the park with one friend, not the entire friendship group. DD should absolutely be allowed to have one on one time with other friends.

My emotional reaction would be to just feel really annoyed with DSD but the logical side of my brain says she's clearly feeling irrationally jealous of DD and it's this that needs to be resolved. Really it's going to have to be DH that sorts this out. In mean time for your DD's sake it's important she's allowed to carve herself out some boundaries. She doesn't have to share her clothes etc with DSD, she can have time away from DSD with friends (as long as DSD isn't actually excluded from a big group outing). DH should be on board with this. He needs to reassure DSD that she's absolutely as much a part of the household as DD, she's his daughter and she loves him but DD doesn't have to include her in everything.

Or getting a lock fitted to DD’s door and locking each and every time we leave the house. I’m sure that any of those options would go down like a lead balloon with SD, her mum and even my DH

Simple keypad lock that closes behind her when the door is shut
£25 to buy and easy to install. She’ll get into the habit of using it, and if SD guesses/sees the combination, it’s easy to change it

@GappyValley that’s a good idea!

@AlfieMoonhead

DH is really upset about it but has no control over the situation because it’s his ex who has organised it. He did text his ex explaining it would have been nice to include my DD, she just said “SD doesn’t want her here” and that was that.

I honestly feel like stopping going over and above for her now.

I would definitely stop going over and above for her now. She’s at your house to spend time with her Dad not you and your daughter. I’d have new house rules that SD dose not go into your DDs room or touch her things. I’d also start making plans just for you and your dd to have mother daughter days when sd is there, again it’s her time with her dad not you. If she has issue with it then her dad can explain her cruel and deliberate behaviour to your dd has resulted in you guys not wanting to include her.

I’d also make sure if the mother kicks off you when your at places and sd wants to go that she’s told your dd dose not want her there.

If her behaviour isn’t addressed now it never will be and you will be suffering for years with an over entitled step child dictating how you live your life.

I would get your partner to tell SD to invite your DD, full stop.

Talk to SD about how if she doesn't invite then the consequcnes might be that things get pulled apart, more exclusions, both ways, and that won't be good for SD or DD - is that really what SD wants. Try to get the genuine reason for the exclusion from her.

Also chat with SD and DD about their relationship going forward, expectations when they do different things, when they got bought different things.

SD might be jealous of the time you spend with DD as she wants to know where things come from. It sounds like she has some feelings about things generally which she would benefit from help with.

So rather than pull it apart more, or go for tit for tat at this stage, I'd try to bring it together, helping your SD understand the consequences of her actions, which she may not at the moment.

You need to stand up for your daughter. Get a lock on her door - why are DH and DSD's feelings more important than your own DD's? It's ridiculous.

*get bought

Why are you running around the SD and her mother trying to always not get on their bad side. Like hell I would allow my dd to be treated like this. Your dd is being bullied in and outside her home.
Stop doing anything special or going out of your way to include her. Have a firm conversation with her when she comes over the next time. Don't leave it to your dh, your dd is your child so step in and do something about it.

[quote AlfieMoonhead]@Butchyrestingface she phoned her dad whilst we were there[/quote]
And he just had to tell her where you were & why?
Or does his ex also know them & where they live?

Couldn't he just tell her that you were at some of your friends?

Don't know why everyone would react so badly to a lock on your daughter's door.

She's entitled to privacy.

You both seem to be putting his daughter first at the expense of yours.

I think the next time she asks to come on something I think reiterating what her mother said

Dd doesn’t want her there.

I would also definitely be treating DD to a nice day out today while DSD has her party!

Agree on the keypad lock

Just to add including DSD in everything might be exacerbating the problem as it reinforces the idea that she must be included in everything to feel valued. Instead she should be reassured that it's fine for DD to have her own time and social life.