Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

[AlfieMoonhead]

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

If I was OP I'd probably be arranging a fun day for DD with a friend from school and perhaps be encouraging DD to work on friendships that don't include DSD as the situation at present sounds a bit toxic.

So you just keep saying to SD - no me a X did that togther just like your mum does stuff with you. Rinse and repeat

^ This. 100%

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want with your DD. SD has a mum who can do whatever she wants with her too. This needs to be drilled into SDs head.

Life does not stand still when she's not there and someone needs to explain this to her in simplistic terms.

Its very typical sibling behaviour.

Except they’re not siblings. They’re not even friends. Their mum and dad are together, that’s all.

@FranklinTennessee

Its very typical sibling behaviour.

Except they’re not siblings. They’re not even friends. Their mum and dad are together, that’s all.

They are step siblings and have been since they were 6 and 7.

That means they've possibly got the worst of all worlds - they've got the downside to the sibling relationship, but not automatically the good bits and certainly not the settled consistency of a full sibling relationship.

HamAndButterSandwich

You seem to be ignoring what I'm saying. There are two sides of the story. Ops biased. The two parents need to sit them down and get to the bottom of this and found out the reason why or her df speak to her and found out why it might be a valid reason ops dd could be nasty to her, they could have had a falling out anything they are typical preteen girls. It may not be what has been portrayed here.

HamAndButterSandwich

Whilst true, what’s no helping is DSD mother banging on about unfairness ... that is the root of the issue. It’s unfortunate it’s OP and the girls are the ones suffering because of this.

They are step siblings and have been since they were 6 and 7.

OP and husband have only lived together for 2 years. They got together when the kids were 6 and 7, but kids don’t have been step siblings straight away. So they’ve only had to sometimes live together, when they are both at OPs house for 2 years. Take out the time the girls are with their other parents, it’s not much time at all. You can’t force 2 girls to get on just because their parents are together.

@AlfieMoonhead
I'd also be wary of SD having access to your house if that also means access to your daughter's room/stuff when no one else is there
I’m not sure how I can stop this without either taking her key off her or telling her she’s not allowed in our home without us present which is massively awkward. Or getting a lock fitted to DD’s door and locking each and every time we leave the house. I’m sure that any of those options would go down like a lead balloon with SD, her mum and even my DH.

Im afraid that I think your oh would have to realise that if the sd is not curtailed from this behaviour, then a lock to safeguard your daughter is needed. A very sad need.

You and your daughter need to block DSD from texting you. Your husband needs to avoid posing on social media about what he is doing with your daughter. Don’t leave yourself open to manipulation or harassment. Your daughter needs to be able to lock up her stuff and not be forced to share. Putting woven name tapes in all her clothes and marking all other possessions would help. It’s oversharing online that leads to so much drama these days.

That means they've possibly got the worst of all worlds - they've got the downside to the sibling relationship, but not automatically the good bits and certainly not the settled consistency of a full sibling relationship.

I feel sorry for both girls.

On the key thing, op, why would your dsd need to be in your house when none of you are home when she clearly lives nearby?
I'd be putting a stop to that toot suite.

I absolutely agree that DSD's mum seems to be making the situation worse.op can't control that though.

Yes I'd course op is biased but that doesn't mean DSD isn't being unreasonable.Unless op is actually deliberately lying it sounds like of anything too much control has been given to DSD. Turning up at the horse treat shouting is terrible behaviour and shouldn't have been accommodated. Yes DSD should be reassured, she's just a child and has the disadvantage of a mum who seems to be egging on her insecurities. However DDS feelings seem to have been neglected in all of this.the message she's getting is DSD must be included in everything but it's fine for her to be left out. That's horrible.

@billy1966

OP, I feel so sorry for your daughter, being stuck in such an awful dynamic.

I think if you don't change your attitude of pandering to your step daughter, you are going to be VERY harshly judged by your daughter as she matures.
And rightly so in my view.

Your daughter may be appearing to say she is ok but she will have had a very tough, stressful childhood IMO.

Poor child.

This should be a big wake up call to YOU.

I have read all your posts.
Your SD clearly rules the roost.
She has zero respect for your daughters privacy.
She has learnt over the years that tantruming works.
She has learnt that you put her feelings ahead of your own child.
That if she kicks up you will placate her.
That she can be nasty to your daughter and you will stand by.
That she can be as demanding as she likes and ye will dance to her tune.
That you are more interested in keeping the peace than standing up for your own child, standing up to her father, standing up to her.

Your daughter has seen the above for years too.
Poor child.

You would be wise to stop behaving in such a helpless manner and take control of the situation.
Stand up for your daughter, put a lock on her bedroom door, stop allowing a tantruming child rule the house.

You should NEVER have foisted this arrangement on your child.
I feel so sorry for her.
Your daughter's home with the resident parent should be a safe place.
It certainly isn't for your poor child.

No doubt you will be outraged at what I have written, but just ask yourself this.

With the way your step daughter has behaved, you still allowed her to TELL YOU she was taking the balloon.

After how mean she was to your daughter.
After deliberately hurting your child, you allowed her to TELL YOU what is happening with the balloon.
I'd have burst that balloon before she would have told me she was taking it anywhere.

I repeat, your poor daughter.

Have a good hard honest look at yourself, then start standing up for her.

Your step daughter and her mother have rings run round you and your ineffectual husband.

I have two teen daughters.
There is No way ANYONE would be allowed to treat them like that in their own home, just so I could be with a man.

Sorry this is harsh but I agree with this post entirely. You need to take strong steps with your DH to stop this behaviour before it gets any more toxic

Take your DD for a lovely day out on party day.

Your DH needs to step up and deal with this. His DD doesn't get to have this level of control, and opportunities to upset your DD.

However it really does reiterate that just because you marry someone, it doesn't mean your respective children will get on with each other.

SDS likely acting up as in her eyes, your DD is living family life with her Dad. & She won't necessarily view you & DD as family.

Does your DH have 1-1 time with his DD on contact days or, are you and/or your DD always around?

These 2 don't get on so, some behaviour boundaries at least must be put in place. & It's ok if they do things seperately.

Absolutely is terrible behaviour but how did she know? Could ops dd sent pictures to her to provoke an reaction? That's why it's important both girls are sat down and able to be given a voice to give their side (similar to school environment with teachers ) otherwise this will create more resentment and further divide. Its easy on face view to think DSD is in the wrong however in situations like this there 3 sides to the story the dd, dsd and somewhere in the middle.

As for the DSD mum it could be she's heard an account from her dd that she's not happy with and they decided to not include her. We see many threads about not including the person who's not being kind to their child it could be as simple as this. Just as much as op is on the side of her dd and feeling awful she's feeling bad.

It sounds like there's a fair amount of tiptoeing over eggshells going on, not least not to upset ex.

She's 12, a certain amount of manipulation and entitlement is part of the learning at 12, and while it's not easy navigating life with sharing your dad and having a step sibling, it doesn't make the behaviour ok, or head towards a future in which she and dd have any kind of good relationship. I'd be calling straight out what I see going on and being cheerfully firm about boundaries.

The balloons for example: Did ex know about the balloons and demand that they were taken from you and your home you having paid for them to the party at her house? Or did SD say her 'mum said she had to' to add weight to what was really 'I want to'? The answer: No. I bought them to have here for your celebration with us tomorrow. You'll see them tomorrow. And repeat. And repeat.

'She has a pen/notebook/went to dinner and I didn't get that/you didn't take me ' - You live with your mum and dd lives here. Sometimes we will all do things together. Sometimes you will do things and have things dd doesn't get to, (like x and x) and sometimes dd will do things and have things that you don't get to. You and DD are old enough and sensible enough to understand. We're not having a fuss about it. It's not always your turn. And tears and shouting about it isn't going to be a way to get me to do what you want. There's a time and place for yep you're feeling sad/disappointed/annoyed/ I understand, but this is what is happening. Those feelings don't always have to be fixed.

If it's any consolation I had a very similar conversation with a certain 10 year old not a million miles from me, who has no step siblings but is currently giving tears a try to see if wider family/school staff/ friends will let him have turns etc that aren't actually his or let him win out of sympathy/a desire for him not to be sad. It's getting short shrift and he'll grow out of it.

@Footloosefancyfree

HamAndButterSandwich

I suspect there's alot more to it than op is unaware of. I don't believe for a second she would suddenly go from excluding her when she previously included her..the likelihood is they are most likely equally has bad as each other. Its very typical sibling behaviour. They both need to sat down and talking about being kinda.. I'm wondering how she knew about the horses unless they dd posted up rubbing dsd nose in it. I grew up with a brother who would be quite sneeky and like to rub my face in it without my parents knowing what he was saying.

Have you even read the OP’s posts? She clearly explained that her DSD found out about the visit to OP’s friend’s farm because DSD rang her dad while they were there. It was nothing to do with OP’s DD! It’s as though you’re determined to press some sort of agenda where everything that happens is to do with OP’s DD being some sort of social media addict! Try actually reading what OP has written before you speculate!

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

I wouldn't have postponed your trip today. Why shouldn't your dd get anything for herself? The sd sounds like a spoilt brat and I'd be treating her as such until she behaved better.

am a bit confused about how they ended up with mutual friends if they are not at the same school or the same age

This is what I don’t get?! All sounds very odd. Does yo your daughter have her own friends outside of this “group” op?

@Happycat1212

am a bit confused about how they ended up with mutual friends if they are not at the same school or the same age

This is what I don’t get?! All sounds very odd. Does yo your daughter have her own friends outside of this “group” op?

OP has already explained this in response to another poster who asked about the mutual friends. OP said, “They are the children of friends of DH & I. We go camping and do days out with them regularly.”

2
Things.

1. You and your DD come across as sort of Florence nightingale figures. Making not a step wrong. Whereas your SD is wicked.

I doubt it’s so one sided.

1. I’m a single parent. Why why why do it. Why blend families. I don’t want my children having to share their home with another family because of my decision to divorce their father. It’s my sacrifice for their benefit. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

@Footloosefancyfree

HamAndButterSandwich

You seem to be ignoring what I'm saying. There are two sides of the story. Ops biased. The two parents need to sit them down and get to the bottom of this and found out the reason why or her df speak to her and found out why it might be a valid reason ops dd could be nasty to her, they could have had a falling out anything they are typical preteen girls. It may not be what has been portrayed here.

@Footloosefancyfree I don’t think you have read the full op posts and seem to be projecting your own childhood on the situation. If you did read the op posts you would see that the step daughter happened to call her dad at the time they were at the farm so morning to do with the daughter and your assertion that she put it on social media.

@SandyY2K

So you just keep saying to SD - no me a X did that togther just like your mum does stuff with you. Rinse and repeat

^ This. 100%

You can do whatever you want, whenever you want with your DD. SD has a mum who can do whatever she wants with her too. This needs to be drilled into SDs head.

Life does not stand still when she's not there and someone needs to explain this to her in simplistic terms.

This. Your DSD needs you and your DH to keep reminding her you’re not her mum and so if you do something for your dd then, if she wants it too, she needs to ask her mum. I think you guys are doing both of them a disservice by trying to treat them like half-siblings. They aren’t. And your DD needs to be protected from her bullying.

Does your DD go to her dad? If so can you ask him to take her when you have your DSD? Lock your DD’s room when DSD comes and whenever she asks for something from you instead of her dad, steer her to him.

You also need to tell the ex that she and DSD aren’t including yours you won’t be allowing her child to come over or inviting them any more. If she kicks off remind her none of them are siblings and contact is for the benefit of her seeing her dad.