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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluding Stepsibling from birthday celebrations

384 replies

AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 11:41

Situation is my DH and I have a DD each from previous relationships a year apart in age. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for 2 years and married for 1.

The girls generally get on really well, there were a few teething problems right at the start but that was over 4 years ago now. This was supposed to be our weekend with SD but her mum arranged a birthday party for her without asking if it was ok and basically just told us she was having her back today. No problem, we’re happy she’s having a party but annoyed because we’d arranged to do something ourselves today but we’ve had to postpone until tomorrow.

The problem is SD has invited her friends, cousins and excluded my DD. It is a deliberate exclusion as she’s the friends she’s invited are their mutual friends so it feels very personal to my DD and she’s understandably upset.

I’m aware she doesn’t have to invite my DD, it’s her party etc but she is also the child who cries and has tantrums if she’s not included in absolutely everything my DD does. Last weekend for example, my DD went for a picnic with her friend and the park across the road from our house and she posted on her private TikTok account a silly video of her and her friend dancing in the park and eating ice creams. SD literally harassed my DD for the whole weekend about it via text until her dad had to step in and ask her to stop.

Our friends bought a new farm and we popped over to see their horses (literally 30 mins tops) and drop off a card. SD found out and went ballistic to the point her mum dropped her off whilst we were there.

We (as in my DD and I) go out of our way to include her in everything and be kind but it seems to have backfired because now she acts like she is entitled to do everything we do but at the same time not include my DD in things and enjoy excluding her. The party is just the latest thing.

I’m not sure how to approach this. My DD is hurt and is in her words “feeling used” by SD as she’s happy to hang out in her room, wants free reign over my DD’s things / clothes, wants to do fun things with us if we’re going out for the day but it feels as though she’s only happy to hang out with my DD if she feels my DD is getting more than her or it’s the best offer she’s had for that day.

For context they’re 11 & 12.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
woodlandcalm · 17/04/2021 13:43

Now sounds a good time to stop pandering to her, before the potential mean teen years kick in. Someone mentioned upthread about teaching kids to Grey Rock, its a shame to have to introduce this thought process this to pre-teens but worth considering if it helps protect your daughter. If SD is as selfish and entitled as she sounds she might get a whole lot worse in the coming teen years so best to address now.

hannayeah · 17/04/2021 13:44

@flumposie

It's horrible but I had to teach my daughter the grey rock technique when a so call friend turned nasty on her. My daughter told her nothing about what she had been up to, her plans etc so that her ' friend' couldn't twist/ make snide comments etc. Also told her to not react to anything she said to her. This was at the age of 9.
What a gift you gave your child. A tool she will have for a lifetime.
JustLyra · 17/04/2021 13:44

@VodkaSlimline

Fair enough - I know a couple of sets of twins and all are best friends, not in a weird/creepy/excluding all others way, just in that they would never not want the other one to be there for a special occasion! But they are younger... maybe when they get to secondary school it will be different.
It can chop and change.

My girls at one point cried when they were measured and they weren’t the same height.

Several years later, for a short time, one would say grass was blue just to be different from the one saying it was green.

We had a month of “can someone please tell X....” when they had fallen out over something stupid.

Now they’re at different unis in the same city and sharing a flat because obviously they need to be together 😂😂

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 17/04/2021 13:44

@VodkaSlimline

Fair enough - I know a couple of sets of twins and all are best friends, not in a weird/creepy/excluding all others way, just in that they would never not want the other one to be there for a special occasion! But they are younger... maybe when they get to secondary school it will be different.
At secondary they meet different people in different classes and teenagers are keen on being seen as individuals- I expect many twins feel that pressure even more.

In younger primary kids can have joint parties but if they have different interests (say one likes paintballing while the other would prefer the cinema) then they'd have different celebrations.

BluebellsGreenbells · 17/04/2021 13:55

Your twins have separate birthday parties and don't invite each other?

Exactly as PP said, they were in different classes and then different schools, have different friends and interested. They each took a weekend either side of their birthday and did a party, we’ve done cinema laser blast pizza parties soft play axe throwing Xbox parties - they even had a cake each and their win presents.

Not all twin moms do the Matchy matchy stuff you see in films! Some kids like to be a whole person. Just like everyone else.

Even now at high school they share only one class, and some teachers are still surprised they are related.

MeltsAway · 17/04/2021 13:57

If so, it could be a matter of feeling a bit jealous that your DD sees your DH more that DSD sees him, her own father. That probably would have bothered me at 12 if my dad had a stepdaughter my age living with him full time when I visited EOW.

This.

Is there any way of allowing your DH's DD to come & go a bit more independently, so she can feel a bit more in control of when she sees her father?

Billandben444 · 17/04/2021 14:01

I feel sorry for both the girls. It was rude of SD to say your daughter is boring and should have been pulled up on it straightaway by you - allow your inner tigress out so your daughter feels supported. As your SD's feelings are now in the open you can exclude her from outings/celebrations planned for your daughter and say that you're not inviting her as you know she'd be bored by it (not strictly true but true in essence) and then make sure her father plans stuff just for her. I know you've said they share a hobby but make it obvious that the girls will have similar but different attention. You've tried really hard to absorb her into your family but it's not working now and could well get worse. Treasure your daughter!

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 17/04/2021 14:02

I think at 11/12 years then DC are old enough to learn that actions have consequences and 'do as you would be done by'.

I think your DH should at least have said to his ex and his DD that if your DD wasn't invited to the party it would mean that her DD wasn't invited to hers. Also that it would mean your DD may want to do some stuff without her in the future.

No way I would have let her take that balloon display away if it was meant for tomorrow.

Original poster
AlfieMoonhead · 17/04/2021 14:03

@MeltsAway she’s got a key to our house and socialises by our house so is always coming and going. She has “set” weekends with each parent so they can plan things, but it’s pretty flexible and SD is here most weekends at least for 1 night. She actually spends more weekend time here than DD who’s dad is very rigid about contact.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 17/04/2021 14:06

I wonder if she is jealous of your and your dds relationship ? Hence the kicking off if you do anything together or buy your dd anything.
If that happens again I would be telling her that I can buy my own child things with my money if I want and it’s none of her business and would say the same to her mother. (Why doesn’t she message her father ???) Of course you are going to treat your daughter differently to anyone else’s child - doesn’t she do the same?
I would also stop bending over backwards to accommodate her and stop her going into your dads room.

GreyhoundG1rl · 17/04/2021 14:06

SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen.
Why didn't her Dad intervene? Why let her act like a spoilt madam in your dd's own home?

JustLyra · 17/04/2021 14:08

What’s her relationship like with her mum?

It sounds like her jealousy is of your and your DD

FangsForTheMemory · 17/04/2021 14:09

I would make sure that any time your DD is excluded from anything, you take her out and have a fab time shopping, eating icecream, whatever she likes.

quietlyspoken08 · 17/04/2021 14:11

I don't know if I'm a bit tough sometimes and probably would have hated my mum to have the attitude I have now as I was a right softie when I was younger but I would advise your daughter that SD has made her bed and now she lies in it.

If she wants to moan and kick off when not invited to things in the future she should just be reminded of this occasion and if her mother wants to complain the same should be said to her.

Also I would remind your daughter than not being invited somewhere by someone who wants to treat her so horribly is no loss to her at all and that a real friend would never want her to feel used or sad.

Ohpulltheotherone · 17/04/2021 14:11

OP just make sure you do lots of things with your DD regardless of whether SDD is there or not. In fact I would ensure to do things just with DD because SD gets to do things with her mum and that side of the family.
Sure if it’s anything major like a theme park or a holiday then of course include or try to include DSD but if you can’t accommodate her then or shouldn’t mean that your daughter misses out.

Explain to your daughter that she doesn’t have to share her clothes or make up or whatever and your DH must ensure he addresses this with his daughter to say you are not entitled to help yourself to other people’s things nor to tantrum because her step sister got to do something without her.

I think a lot of it could be age related but you and most importantly DH must tackle this now, for your daughters sake but also DSD - you will be doing her no favours in allowing her to grow up spoilt and demanding and manipulative.

But also - ensure DSD gets plenty of her own time with her dad! You don’t have to do everything as a family - even when they are both your kids you wouldn’t spend every waking minute together. Kids need space and one on one time as well as family time.

ElderMillennial · 17/04/2021 14:13

I think your DSD's mum should have endured your DD was invited. She's her sister. And if it was the other way around I expect you'd be criticised for her not being invited.

seymoursmyman · 17/04/2021 14:13

I'm going to take a different line than most on here and say the jealousy is likely more to do with than friends than you or you DH.

They are reaching the age that the most important relationships in their lives are their peers. It sounds very much to me that your SD is threatened in their friend group by your DD.

It is a typical mean girl two pronged attack on your daughter of exclusion and also attacking her self esteem.

Ohpulltheotherone · 17/04/2021 14:13

@GreyhoundG1rl

SD last night took great pleasure in going into detail about how amazing her party was going to be and all the things they were going to do. Whilst my DD sat there crestfallen. Why didn't her Dad intervene? Why let her act like a spoilt madam in your dd's own home?
Yes this.

This wouldn’t fly in my house, DSD would be told in no uncertain terms how mean spirited she was being.

Even between bio kids you don’t let one goad and provoke the other like this

hannayeah · 17/04/2021 14:18

@seymoursmyman

I'm going to take a different line than most on here and say the jealousy is likely more to do with than friends than you or you DH.

They are reaching the age that the most important relationships in their lives are their peers. It sounds very much to me that your SD is threatened in their friend group by your DD.

It is a typical mean girl two pronged attack on your daughter of exclusion and also attacking her self esteem.

You are probably right. I also think her Mum is encouraging these bad feelings rather than trying to rein them in and support her daughter.

It’s just terrible because as the OP, I’d want to protect my own DD. She can’t treat SD like she would a normal friend doing this. She also doesn’t have free rein to treat the SD as she would her own child. Ex will cause problems if she does, I think.

Lordamighty · 17/04/2021 14:18

I think you’re perfectly entitled to have your dd’s party when the sd isn’t there. She needs to learn the consequences of her own actions.
Although she is young she shouldn’t be allowed to have her own way over everything and if her mum wanted an extravagant balloon display for her birthday she should have ordered and paid for one herself.

Happycat1212 · 17/04/2021 14:19

I think your DSD's mum should have endured your DD was invited. She's her sister. And if it was the other way around I expect you'd be criticised for her not being invited.

Sisters? If I was to meet a man now who had children I can’t see my children seeing my partners kids as their brother or sister?

funinthesun19 · 17/04/2021 14:24

I think dsd and her mum have unknowingly given you the green light to not include dsd in things, and you have the perfect come back if they kick off...

“Oh I’m sorry I thought we weren’t involving the girls in each other’s business going forward, as dd was the only one in the group of friends not invited to dsd’s party. I just got this vibe from you both that the girls should leave each other to it, hence no invite for dsd from us today. Hope you have a good day whatever you’re doing together.”

diddl · 17/04/2021 14:25

I'm wondering if as a whole your daughter gets to do more either with just you or with your husband as well?

Is her sibling younger & also her sibling's father with them?

So that your daughter might seem to get more attention both from her own mother & her step father.

It must seem a strange thing that someone elses daughter spends more time with your own dad!

What happened at the farm when they turned up?

Was it really your SD "going ballistic" or her mum trying to make sure that her daughter didn't miss out?

I do agree with pps that you need to stop being so accommodating.

I'd also be wary of SD having access to your house if that also means access to your daughter's room/stuff when no one else is there.

Sceptre86 · 17/04/2021 14:29

When sd was being rude either you or her dad should have called her out on it, 'that's enough of that now or its not nice to boast'. Comments like that would have nipped the conversation on the bud. The sd sounds bratty but a lot of kids of that age are, what is not not OK is her being allowed to upset your dd and get away with it. Both you and your dd don't need to spend time with her every time she is over to see her dad in fact it might be better for both girls if you didn't.

dapsnotplimsolls · 17/04/2021 14:29

Just be aware that DSD might try to turn the group of mutual friends against DD. Does your DD have friends outside of this group?