Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I absolutely hate my OH

167 replies

chimom · 16/04/2021 12:12

I absolutely hate him and I don't know what to do, we've just moved into a smaller property all in my name I wanted to gain a bit of control back to be honest.
I wanted to save so I can eventually get onto the property ladder which meant downsizing.

Any how, mum has came to stay with us for a few days to help out as we're trying to clear the old house to hand over the keys. He's done nothing but scream and shout at me in front of my mum.

My mum offered to come and help him as I was exhausted we didn't get back until 1 this morning and I was up at 6 again. There's a mountain of washing to do boxes to unpack what I need to get done so I told him to just go and crack on for a few hours at the old house.

I'm about to start my new job for the NHS on Monday he's saying he's not giving me the car I can get the bus.

I can't stand this life I'm living I just need out!!
The screaming and shouting all the time him wanting the house spotless 24/7 doesn't want the kids on the sofa, it's all getting to much for me.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/04/2021 03:14

If you can't get finance, is there a chance your mum could lend you some money towards getting a car for yourself? I agree that you need to have your own car.

Also it would be worth speaking to someone about your credit rating and how to clear it - I'm not very informed about this sort of thing but hopefully other posters will be able to help out with that, or you could ask on the appropriate board on here. If Citizens' Advice Bureau is still functional in the UK, it might be a good starting point - but in all honesty I don't know how useful they are these days!

LEMtheoriginal · 18/04/2021 04:39

Look, you get one life!

He doesn't allow the children on the sofa?? They're not fucking dogs.

I actually would gleefully punch him in the throat and im pretty non aggressive .

LEAVE before he fucks your children up. Move back to live with your mum and rent somewhere close to your family. There will be other jobs close by and youll get help with childcare.

No ifs or buts get the fuck out

Sceptre86 · 18/04/2021 08:03

He won't have all the money when you kick him out. Your posts are filled with excuses I appreciate that maybe because he has ground you down so you only see problems not solutions. However, you are a grown women (im assuming) and a parent, pull whatever reserves of strength you have and drop him from your life. Ask you mum or dad to come and stay with you for a while. Put one child in nursery and the other in wraparound care after school, I know it can be expensive but if you receive benefits some of it may be subsidised. If he doesn't work he isn't contributing to bills anyway. As a single parent, income dependent there will be benefits available to you that can help. Ask family for support.

PumpkinPie2016 · 18/04/2021 08:21

Would your mum be able to get finance on a car? You could pay her the money each month and be insured on it?

I know it's super difficult but hang on to that job - you have a good opportunity there in the NHS. Don't let go of it.

What is the situation with buses near you? Is it absolutely impossible to get the bus or can it be done for the time being. I understand it might be a pain in the arse for a bit but it won't be forever.

Please contact women's aid OP. They will help you to work things out Flowers

maddening · 18/04/2021 08:38

Rather than see getting rid of him as one massive problem I would break it down and create a list and speak to your mum about each of my issues.

Childcare-you need 4 days - are they the same 4 days? If so ex will have access so could his days be a couple of them? Could mum do one day? She could come over on a Sunday for time with you all and do the Monday? What childminders are available?

Car - can mum help you at all? Even a £500 runaround with 12month mot could help for now. If it were my dd I would help.

Do an income and expenditure and do a universal credit calculation (assume ex will avoid child support as he doesn't work and sounds unreasonable).

Start imaging him leaving, start imaging yourself free, start gathering the strength to kick him out, harness the anger of everything he does to you.

Ceejly · 18/04/2021 08:43

OP, you might be able to get a loan to buy q car cash more easily than finance. Use the MoneySavingExpert checker tool to see what loans you are likely to qualify for before you apply so you don't damage your credit by applying Nd being rejected. A 4 year loan for 6k would only coat you £175ish a month and you could get a decent car for that.

Ceejly · 18/04/2021 08:44

www.moneysavingexpert.com/eligibility/loans-calculator/search/

This is the tool I mentioned @chimom

Buttonfm · 18/04/2021 08:51

If he decided to leave you, you would manage.

You will also find a way once you tell him to leave. There is support out there, good luck. Your life will be so much better once he is gone.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 18/04/2021 08:53

You need to kick him out.

Find a childminder. Those hours are not 'long' for childcare and to be quite frank, your young DC will benefit from being looked after by a CM rather than your 'partner'.

With in work benefits you'll make ends meet.

Could your mum, or anyone, lend you the money for a car? If not you should be able to get a loan for one.

A car is not a reason to stay with this shit head.

Would your mum be in a position to stay with you for the 4 days a week until you get everything sorted out?

Heyahun · 18/04/2021 08:58

Seriously beee to stop making excuses as to why you aren’t spilitting up!

Loads of people have to send their children to childcare full time it’s just how life is - doesn’t sound like they having a great time staying home with your partner anyway if he’s as horrible as you say!

Your 4 year old would get funded hours and will go to school soon

Your 2 year old will probably get funded hours if you are single! So that’s how you afford it!

Otherwise quit your job and move closer to your mum and get a new job/new life there

Staying with this man just because you need his car and for him to look after the children while you are at work is just ridiculous

Fallyi · 18/04/2021 09:01

Try to open up to your mum, OP.

I did and managed to leave my abusive exHusband.
The work and childcare situation you can re-assess once he's out of your house. You'll have more options available to you that you might not be seeing at the moment. And you'll have a massive weight off your shoulders when he's not in your lives anymore.

I hung on for years because I was sure he was going to make my life hell. When I left, things never got anywhere near as bad as I imagined they would.

HighlandCowbag · 18/04/2021 09:03

Those shifts are piss easy to arrange childcare for, you know this.

Ltb, don't ltb. Either way will be difficult but the longer he is primary carer for your dcs the more difficult it will be for you to be the primary carer moving forwards. If you don't want your dcs raised by this man get him out.

CantBeAssed · 18/04/2021 09:38

I was in much the same situation op. Ex used the fact that i worked and "needed" him for childcare to treat me like dirt. Like yourself i stalled but it got i could take no more..My ds now goes to daycare while i work and it is brilliant. Ds loves going and its great for his development.
Most daycare facilities will do pick up/drop off to local nurseries etc. Also you will get help with childcare fees...i get just over half paid in with tax credits. Dont stall anymore, just bite the bullet..you will see such a positive difference in your children as it cant be healthy for them to be in that enviroment. Good luckFlowers

toocold54 · 18/04/2021 10:10

Ermmm leave then Confused

Horehound · 18/04/2021 10:12

@toocold54 do you honestly think that is a helpful reply? Along with a patronising confused face? What's the point?

EmeraldShamrock · 18/04/2021 10:16

I don't blame you I'd hate him too, miserable volatile dickhead.
Kick him out OP you're doing great everything else is falling in place.
Arguments are bad but doing it when your DM is visiting to help is controlling and sick.
I'd be heartbroken if you were my DD.

toocold54 · 18/04/2021 10:20

@Horehound the OP has started a thread saying she hates her partner and saying negative things about him. What advice does she want? The only advise would be to leave him if she hates him that much - why pussyfoot around and write cryptic riddles in response. Is it not easier to just say it straight? I am confused as I don’t know why OP hasn’t thought of that if she hates him so much.
If someone on here said they hate their job would you tell them to stay or get a new one?

riotlady · 18/04/2021 10:50

8-5 4 days a week is a totally normal amount for kids to be in childcare and SO much better than being in an abusive household.

Would your mum be willing to lend you some money for a car? My car only cost £2000 and that’s an automatic, probably could have got a manual for £1500. It doesn’t have to last forever, just a year or two while you get yourself sorted.

nanbread · 18/04/2021 10:53

Does your mum work?

If not can she move in temporarily until you sort childcare etc

nanbread · 18/04/2021 10:55

You only need to pay for nursery one more year till you get 30 free hours for your youngest

That will help with fees

Guarantee that paying for him is costing you more than a car would

nanbread · 18/04/2021 10:56

It sounds like he may well withhold the car from you anyway so not having access to the car isn't a reason to stay

Horehound · 18/04/2021 11:17

@toocold54 I think it's pretty clear from the ops posts she cannot just leave as she needs a car and he has all their money. You popping on to say leave is just ridiculous quote frankly.

knittingaddict · 18/04/2021 15:16

[quote Horehound]@toocold54 I think it's pretty clear from the ops posts she cannot just leave as she needs a car and he has all their money. You popping on to say leave is just ridiculous quote frankly.[/quote]
Well you can leave under those circumstances but you need some support even if it's just a friend with a car to load everything in.

My daughter left with no car and £10 in her bank account. The cars were leased in her husband's name, so she couldn't take one. Even the child benefit, which she didn't know the ex was claiming, was in his name.

I'm not pretending it's easy but it can be done.

pepsicolagirl · 18/04/2021 15:22

I get it, it is scary. What you have now is shit but you know it and you know how to navigate it.

But you cannot rely on someone who will withold your transport to work just to spite you.

You have done the groundwork in getting the property in just your name. Build on that. Speak to your boss about part time hours and speak to HMRC about top ups from universal credit. Do you have friends who might be able to pool childcare with you? I am so sorry you need to look into all of this but you do. Your babies are still young enough to get over living with a controlling man who abuses their Mum

but they won't be this young for long

Soberfutures · 18/04/2021 15:26

On a different not the V5 document doesn't prove ownership
If you were the one that bought it then it is yours. The V5 only proves he is the registered keeper.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.