I absolutely hate my OH

[chimom]

I absolutely hate him and I don't know what to do, we've just moved into a smaller property all in my name I wanted to gain a bit of control back to be honest.
I wanted to save so I can eventually get onto the property ladder which meant downsizing.

Any how, mum has came to stay with us for a few days to help out as we're trying to clear the old house to hand over the keys. He's done nothing but scream and shout at me in front of my mum.

My mum offered to come and help him as I was exhausted we didn't get back until 1 this morning and I was up at 6 again. There's a mountain of washing to do boxes to unpack what I need to get done so I told him to just go and crack on for a few hours at the old house.

I'm about to start my new job for the NHS on Monday he's saying he's not giving me the car I can get the bus.

I can't stand this life I'm living I just need out!!
The screaming and shouting all the time him wanting the house spotless 24/7 doesn't want the kids on the sofa, it's all getting to much for me.

[An0n0n0n]

I know its overwhelming but don't think too far ahead- you can't kick him out because you need childcare. Ok, but if you do kick him out you WILL solve that problem. Some employers might pay for childcare for a short period, social services may help to bridge the gap, refuges may be able to provide some funding. Just kick him out and deal with resulting problems one at a time. Even if you cann't pay your rent or or mortgage or childcare there will be support when you are in that situation..

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

He sounds awful and abusive.
And you need to find a way to get him out.
Regarding the car for work - depending on which NHS Trust you work for, and how bad the bus trip is, it might save you a bit as I believe most Trusts now charge staff for parking in the carparks (which is an absolute outrage and I'm glad I left the NHS before that became widespread!) But yeah, you should still be able to take the car. What would happen if you just did? Is he that much of a cunt that he'd do something hideous to "pay you back"?

But otherwise, I agree with everyone else that you need to look into what benefits etc. you can get and what else you can do to facilitate getting him out of your life because this is no way for you to live, nor your kids. :(

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

@VettiyaIruken

Your life is already hard! Plus it is really damaging for children to be forced to live through this.
You have to decide which crappy option you hate least. Struggle with childcare and perhaps even need to take a break from working or get used, abused and screamed at and have the kids grow up in that.

All of this above.

Does he work? If so even when you chuck him out you will be entitled to child maintenance which will go towards childcare. And you won't be feeding his fat, nasty face.him.

If not do as wokedup suggests - Cut your hours to part time, get UC and help with nursery hours. This is not the life you deserve.

[FortunesFave]

Darling you think childcare would be too much for them fulltime...but THIS is too much for them full time! They're living with an abuser and that causes long term damage...time in childcare doesn't. A happy, peaceful home doesn;t.

[EmbarrassingAdmissions]

@chimom

My job really, he looks after the kids so I wouldn't be able to work he would be very spiteful and make my life hard I just know it.

Your life is already hard.

Why do you think it's OK for your children to be in a household with raised voices, unreasonable expectations of their behaviour, and where they can probably sense that you hate your OH.

As PPs have suggested, you might benefit from checking your various entitlements via the online services available to you.

From what you describe, every additional day spent in the current circumstances adds to the disproportionate amount of your children's lives spent in wretched emotional conditions.

[chimom]

Mum is very quiet doesn't like confrontation, but she said he is just too much she can't cope with all his shouting.

Their is just so much to look at I don't even know where to start. I would have to get a car so I can travel

He doesn't work no, I just keep saying to myself just stick it out until the kids are at school and all will be fine I'm just not sure I can.

[BlueDahlia69]

He's set you up as the Main earner, if he leaves he'll take the kids CMS and all potential entitled benefits, you need to change this situation and fast OP.

[lubeybooby]

This is unfair on them as well as you. Yours and their life is already an nightmare and can only get better without this ogre. You must find the way to get absolutely rid of him asap even if that means reducing your hours, taking some leave for a while or even leaving your job. It will be worth it.

If you're not convinced yet, please read psychopath free by jackson mckenzie.. it's the best one out there for getting the point across mega quickly and opening eyes and minds to what is happening here.

[PumpkinPie2016]

He sounds awful and abusive.

Well done for getting the house in your name - wise move!

Your 4 year old will be entitled to 30 hours free childcare. The two year old probably not yet (when are they 3). I would investigate local childcare options asap. Nurseries are just one option but a childminder can provide a nice, homely environment and they are often cheaper.

Check with your trust whether you can get childcare vouchers through them to help pay for the 2 year old.

Have a look on line at tax credits - if you were on your own and working, you may be entitled to some.

Would your mum be able and willing to maybe help you out a bit - perhaps with some shopping just while you get sorted? If I was your mum and had witnessed your partner screaming and shouting at you, I'd do whatever I could to help.

You can contact women's aid for further advice.

Get your ducks in a row and kick his arse out OP

[Laggartha]

Can you give us some of the basics? Marital status, housing status, what you do, what he does, is he the children's father etc.

[FortunesFave]

Don't just stick it out! Your youngest is only 2! Can you afford a car now?

[BlueDahlia69]

Yes get out now OP

[FortunesFave]

@Laggartha

Can you give us some of the basics? Marital status, housing status, what you do, what he does, is he the children's father etc.

They're not married, the house is rented, she works for the NHS and he doesn't work.

[RickiTarr]

@chimom

DD is 2 and DS is 4 mum lives 55 miles away, so that's not an option. Childcare would be to much for both of them full time.

If you ended up on Universal Credit for a while, you’d qualify 15 free hours for the two year old as well as for the four year old, plus UC childcare help and then when you went back to work your 4 year old‘s free hours would go up from 15 to 30 per week and you’d p the 25 hours for the 2 year old.

Could you delay your start date or take compassionate unpaid leave once you’ve kicked him out? Do some sums now? This is no way to live.

[RickiTarr]

Keep the 15 hours for the 2 year old^

[LittleOwl153]

Who owns the car - as in who is on the documents? Don't give him the keys if at all possible!

Can you contact your new employer and see if you can delay your start? Even by a week or 2 would help you get yourself organised. NHS are often pretty good in that respect if you explain.

Do not let him set himself up as the kids resident parent - you will have a nightmare getting them back if this happens. Who gets child benefit for them? Do check fully what you are entitled to - you might find that a decent amount of childcare costs are part of your tax credit entitlement if you are on your own.

[knittingaddict]

@Kittykat93

If a bloke screamed and yelled at me in front of my mum she would tell him to do one..but that's beside the point. You need to leave. Did you actually just say he doesn't allow the children to go on the sofa..?? Like they are dogs or something? Awful

I was wondering that myself.

The one time I saw my son in law talk aggressively to my daughter I took her to one side and told her that no one deserved to be spoken to like that. She opened up about a lot more and it was the beginning of the end for them. If I had known the half of it at the time I would have told him what I thought of him. It still annoys me that we never got that opportunity.

Op, did your mum say anything to you or him?

[SwedishK]

You will be fine financially. There is support for people like yourself. It might take you a few weeks to figure it all out, but maybe your mum can stay for a month, at least Monday-Friday if that's your work days.

Please do not stay with that abusive muppet. He doesn't deserve you.

[CherryDocsInYrBalls]

I trapped myself for ages with a partner who didn't work and did the "childcare", and once he went (he had an affair after I was miserable for fucking years) and I was better off emotionally and financially. You get childcare tax credits or similar, UC, etc. Don't feel you have no choice, it's just so hard when you're stuck. try and tell people IRL you want to leave and can they have your back for a few weeks. Honestly, my colleagues and friends were so kind and really helped me get through it, making me dinners and giving me a shoulder to cry on. You absolutely can do this

[WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo]

Make sure you get the child benefit paid to you in your name, as that is the key to all the other parental support available. Be very careful, he could claim he is the main caregiver and end up being resident parent while you pay him child support. And if he is an abusive arsehole (as he sounds) that would be devastating for the children. Id get rid asap to avoid this, the younger the children the less likely Courts will hand them over to him. If he's screaming and being threatening dont hesitate to call the police and start building up a record of his abuse. Personally Id tell a man like that Id met someone else and he is moving in with me, so he needs to move on. See if your mum can stay with you until you've set up the childcare.

[chimom]

How would it work with me working full time,
Would kids go to a child minder then they drop DS at nursery and look after DD then pick DS back up then I collect them when I'm
Back? My worry is it would be a long day for them.

My shifts are only 8:30-4:30 4 days a week

[Ansjovis]

This is clearly a very difficult situation but I feel there's one thing you need to keep front and centre:

Full time childcare WILL be better for them than living as they are now. If you let this go on for another 2-3 years you will risk both children developing lifelong problems as a result of their home environment. Balance that against being in carefully chosen full-time childcare and there's no decision to be made in my opinion. Don't fall into the trap of allowing yourself to believe they are too young to experience lasting effects of their parents relationship, I am living proof that this is not the case.

[chimom]

All currents benefits are in my name he doesn't have access to anything, housing is in my name we're not married or anything.

[FortunesFave]

Some childminders do drop offs yes. You should ring around a few to see what's on offer in your area. It's not always easy but OP....you HAVE to get your kids into a pleasant environment.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm sorry for all this op, but you simply can't allow your children to live in such an abusive, violent environment. He has to go, right now. You can't use your job as an excuse to keep him around.