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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I absolutely hate my OH

167 replies

chimom · 16/04/2021 12:12

I absolutely hate him and I don't know what to do, we've just moved into a smaller property all in my name I wanted to gain a bit of control back to be honest.
I wanted to save so I can eventually get onto the property ladder which meant downsizing.

Any how, mum has came to stay with us for a few days to help out as we're trying to clear the old house to hand over the keys. He's done nothing but scream and shout at me in front of my mum.

My mum offered to come and help him as I was exhausted we didn't get back until 1 this morning and I was up at 6 again. There's a mountain of washing to do boxes to unpack what I need to get done so I told him to just go and crack on for a few hours at the old house.

I'm about to start my new job for the NHS on Monday he's saying he's not giving me the car I can get the bus.

I can't stand this life I'm living I just need out!!
The screaming and shouting all the time him wanting the house spotless 24/7 doesn't want the kids on the sofa, it's all getting to much for me.

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 16/04/2021 13:26

Well as they always tell SAHM who are not married here - he is not entitled to anything.

Please see someone who you can talk to in real life to plan this. Could you call Women's aid? They should offer practical advice and help. You need to get him out but you need practical advice to do that.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 16/04/2021 13:30

@chimom

How would it work with me working full time, Would kids go to a child minder then they drop DS at nursery and look after DD then pick DS back up then I collect them when I'm Back? My worry is it would be a long day for them.

My shifts are only 8:30-4:30 4 days a week

Yes. My DS went to a CM before & after school. If you only need (say) 8-5 Mon-Thurs that sounds very do-able and not really such long days. Imagine how much they (and you) will benefit from not having to live with all the shouting.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2021 13:31

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ start here.

You might not think so, because you haven't said he's physically violent, but he IS a domestic abuser, and you DO deserve help. This page has some resources and help, and you can phone them to talk through options.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/04/2021 13:33

If I were you and I had a guaranteed job, I’d quit, claim all the benefits I could, stay at home for a few months, and then kick him out so he couldn’t get residential custody of the kids. Then I’d apply for a job where mum is, sell the house, and move their with the kids. It’s likely someone like your OH probably can’t afford solicitors fees to dispute anything so use it to your advantage.

PurpleMustang · 16/04/2021 13:33

What is his reasoning for you not being able to use the car to go to work? Does he have an issue with you working?

pinkyredrose · 16/04/2021 13:33

I think you'd be quite surprised at how much help you'd be entitled to. With your shift hours it's entirely feasible theta you'd manage childcare, the older one would get 15 free hours. Your bills would go down without him there, you'd get council tax reduction too.

HugeAckmansWife · 16/04/2021 13:33

Mine were 5 and 3 when I became a sp. I worked 4 days a week. They went to a lovely childminder 5 mins from home who took them to nursery then school. I dropped them at 7 45 and picked up about 5. They loved it and her and would frequently be keen to stay and carry on playing when I came to pick up. As a sp I got child tax credits and used childcare vouchers to cover a lot of the cost. In your case as a new claimant I guess it would be UC but you would get help. Work if you can, it builds up pension apart from anything else and you can increase hours or seek promotion as they get older. Those hours are going to be far better spent with a dedicated professional childminder than with a nasty bully but I do agree that you should set arrangements up.. If the sexes were reversed you could see the scenario painted of a 'vulnerable' SAHM being dropped in the shit by her working ex partner who kicks her out of the home and keeps her kids from her as she has nowhere to go. In that scenario the advice would be v v sympathetic to the stay at home parent so do get informed and prepared with childcare places lined up so it's all in place. You can then show a judge, if it came to that, that you have things in hand.

Tistheseason17 · 16/04/2021 13:37

Great advice above, OP.

CharlotteRose90 · 16/04/2021 13:37

I know you are worried about the children going to nursery and childminders as being too much for them, most parents do it if they work full time. If you leave the kids with him how do you know he won’t start abusing them even more the same he is you. At least with nursery etc you know they are in a safe place away from harm. Get him out of your house and sort out any benefits you are entitled too. Also if the car isn’t yours can you get a small loan and get a cheap car . Buses aren’t reliable and you need to make a good impression on your new job.

Esse321 · 16/04/2021 13:38

Nursery - they will be fine, mine both went from age one full time - if you have a Busy Bee's near you they are doing a week for free. Much better for them being in nursery than in a horrible atmosphere at home.

curiouscatgotkilled · 16/04/2021 13:39

You need to get away from this relationship. On the practical childcare side. I childminder will take them from 7.30am and do all the drop offs and pick ups, ours did.

A long but happy day in childcare will benefit the children. Living in a home with domestic abuse will damage them.
Talk to your manager and tell them everything you are going through, they will give you some time off as special leave to give you space to breathe and sort out childcare. Employers have to be understanding, particularly the NHS.

You need help, dont be afraid or ashamed to ask for it, you are being string and powerful for yourself and your children in sorting out this situation.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/04/2021 13:42

@chimom

My job really, he looks after the kids so I wouldn't be able to work he would be very spiteful and make my life hard I just know it.
Honestly I'd rather quit work and sell the house than raise my kids with their Dad Screaming at me constantly and being so controlling the kids aren't allowed to sit on the furniture. I know which is more damaging op
Maray1967 · 16/04/2021 13:42

My DC did fine with those kind of hours at nursery. The children who all seemed tired after school days were the ones who had only been to morning preschool. The ones who’d been to nursery full days coped much better with school days.
I can’t believe someone doesn’t let their children sit on the sofa. Fair enough if it’s not to eat chocolate etc but not sit on it at all?
I worked for a woman years ago whose ex used to insist that all toys were put away before he came home and she told me that she used to run around in a panic at 5.30 making them put them away. And then her sister asked what the hell was going on. She divorced him.
I would investigate your childcare options and make a fresh start.

CyclesPerfecta · 16/04/2021 13:43

Getting a childminder would be your best solution. My childminder had DCs from 8:30-17:30, 5 days a week. She did the school drop off and pick up, DD was only 1 year old at that time. They both loved the time they spent in her care. She even cooked tea (all home made meals). We absolutely adored her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2021 13:46

I don't think the OP owns the house she's just moved into - she says she wants to save to get onto the property ladder so I'm assuming this is just lower rent than she was paying before. So this is not a saleable asset.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/04/2021 13:49

How is he with the kids op? What happens of they misbehave or have an accident?

An0n0n0n · 16/04/2021 13:50

Being generous and assuming he is an ok dad even if he is a shit person, he should be responsible for half their childcare.

Honestly, how would.it look of he refused to see his kids unless it was to inconvenience you?

And if he's not a great dad then I'll be harsh and say you have to ask yourself if you are making excuses to let him stay for your sake rather than theirs. What is he adding to their lives? If you cant answer that then you can't justify keeping him around until they go to school.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/04/2021 13:50

Another thought, @chimom - you work for the NHS, is there any chance that you could transfer to a place nearer to your mum? I assume you've signed the tenancy for at least 6m on this new place, but there might be leeway if you have to move for work.
At least if you're in work you can keep an eye open for alternative jobs closer to your mum - if she's willing and able to help you with childcare, that is. Although the UC and childcare vouchers should also help - finding a good childminder is half the battle!

PersonaNonGarter · 16/04/2021 13:50

Get rid OP.

You know he is never going to change.

Find someone who will be reasonable.

mamas12 · 16/04/2021 13:55

Wow it sounds like no o e in your house is living well so tell him how you feel and Tell him it has to stop
If it doesn’t stop then you need to kick him out
Meanwhile look for childcare ASAP your dcs will be a lot better off with a childminder than a shouty father
Good luck

Quincie · 16/04/2021 14:01

Don't leave the DCs with him - he sounds horrible, they are small and vulnerable.
Can they stay at Mum's for the 4 days you work, then with you the 3 - he can clear off. Or maybe 3 days with Mum one with childminder coming in 3 with you.
Mum can look into child care near her or nursery or playgroups. Or another family member to help her.

FortunesFave · 16/04/2021 14:06

@Quincie

Don't leave the DCs with him - he sounds horrible, they are small and vulnerable. Can they stay at Mum's for the 4 days you work, then with you the 3 - he can clear off. Or maybe 3 days with Mum one with childminder coming in 3 with you. Mum can look into child care near her or nursery or playgroups. Or another family member to help her.
This is a good idea....
Topseyt · 16/04/2021 14:06

Kick him out. There is every reason to do so and no reason at all not to.

He adds nothing worthwhile to your lives.

Maggiesfarm · 16/04/2021 14:08

Yes.

You would probably be able to claim more in benefits too.

I'm quite shocked at him shouting in front of your mother and don't understand why children are not allowed on the sofa.

If he is at home all the time, looking after the children and housekeeping, why can he not keep the place reasonably clean and tidy?

Frankly he sounds like a waste of space and you would be better off without him. You would manage.

HidingInTheFridge · 16/04/2021 14:09

I’ve just threw a shouty nasty cunt out, I work and have 3 under 10 so if you need any advice please please don’t hesitate to message me x

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