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AIBU?

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Original poster

I absolutely hate my OH

167 replies

chimom · 16/04/2021 12:12

I absolutely hate him and I don't know what to do, we've just moved into a smaller property all in my name I wanted to gain a bit of control back to be honest.
I wanted to save so I can eventually get onto the property ladder which meant downsizing.

Any how, mum has came to stay with us for a few days to help out as we're trying to clear the old house to hand over the keys. He's done nothing but scream and shout at me in front of my mum.

My mum offered to come and help him as I was exhausted we didn't get back until 1 this morning and I was up at 6 again. There's a mountain of washing to do boxes to unpack what I need to get done so I told him to just go and crack on for a few hours at the old house.

I'm about to start my new job for the NHS on Monday he's saying he's not giving me the car I can get the bus.

I can't stand this life I'm living I just need out!!
The screaming and shouting all the time him wanting the house spotless 24/7 doesn't want the kids on the sofa, it's all getting to much for me.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 16/04/2021 16:07

You need to protect your children. It would be better to be out of work, on benefits and at home with them if the choice is between leaving them with him or not working.

ancientgran · 16/04/2021 16:13

It is obviously a horrible situation. I don't know the legal side of things and others will but my worry would be if you work fulltime and he is the one at home fulltime with the children is there a risk he would get to be the RP? I'd want good legal advice before I did anything.

ancientgran · 16/04/2021 16:17

Sorry, just realised I'd missed some pages and this was already raised. I'd still check it out though.

KatherineofOregon · 16/04/2021 16:39

"@chimom DD is 2 and DS is 4 mum lives 55 miles away, so that's not an option. Childcare would be to much for both of them full time".

With respect OP my now grown up son was in full time childcare from the age of 2 (8am-6.15pm 5 days a week) as i had to work full time to pay the mortgage etc. A mixture of nursery when he was young, then breakfast and after sch clubs etc as he got older ( with a few appalling child minders along the way and one very good one) I had no family help at. He is a lovely grounded young man now with a successful apprenticeship, his own car, house share and saving a deposit for his first house. Children are resilient and my DC is grateful for the opportunities my wage afforded him and i for the freedoms it gave me. He also was diagnosed with " traits on the spectrum" when he was 6. The childcare environments he was in benefitted him greatly.

I managed just fine on my own OP and you will too.

TheMamaYo · 16/04/2021 16:45

How far do you have to travel to get to work? Some nurseries open early. And, a point to ponder, if he shouts at you like that in front of your mum, how much are the children being shouted at when no one is around?

You deserve better than this.

cherrytree63 · 16/04/2021 16:57

Have you checked if there's a creche at work? The trusts I've worked for had creches and one of them also ran a holiday club for school age children.

VettiyaIruken · 16/04/2021 17:00

How is he treating the children when you're not there? How could you ever know that he isn't screaming at them or that as they get older he won't start?

Wheresmybiscuit3 · 16/04/2021 17:03

I personally think you should ask him to leave OP. It might be difficult to start with but I’m sure in the long run it’ll be better

Cocopogo · 16/04/2021 17:07

If it’s just 8:30-4:30 then why can you use nursery?

Horehound · 16/04/2021 17:09

Op yours actually in a great position to just boot him out of the door!!

Horehound · 16/04/2021 17:10

@VettiyaIruken

How is he treating the children when you're not there? How could you ever know that he isn't screaming at them or that as they get older he won't start?
God yeh,I dread to think.
HettieHelvetica · 16/04/2021 17:11

OP - you deserve better than this. As others have pointed out upthread, your life is ALREADY hard.

Don't forget that your children are watching and taking their leads from you. Do you really want your DS learning that THIS is a normal way to treat his partner or your DD being set the example that it's OK for a man to treat her in this way? If it's not OK for her, it's not OK for you either.

KatherineofOregon · 16/04/2021 17:18

Arranging childcare OP will free your DP to find full time work and pay for his own accommodation , life ,maintenance etc.

You said in yr first post you "hate him" and you "don't know what to do". Use that hate to make your changes and you DO know what to do.

Him being at home with the children may have worked yrs ago but something has changed- neither of you seem happy. He needs to be able to return to work so that you can both move on with your separate lives. This SAHD arrangement is not working for either of you. Luckily you are not married so you wont lose financially.

He should not be shouting and screaming at you or in front of your mum but maybe he feels he has no say anymore as not working and feels himself trapped and out of control? I felt like that when i was married and my son was a baby and i was a SAHM. My now ex dh shouted at me in front of my mum one boxing day and that was it. He would never had done that in front of his own mum.

I went back to work , divorced, got all my money back out of the house, that i had put in (DH had nothing apart from his wage and debts, i paid off ,when i met him) and rebuilt my life. I would say the same if your roles were reversed.

This is not a pleasant environment OP, for you, your DC or your DP. You both need to work to be able to support your independent lives. Your children will be fine in a childcare setting. If you get DP to leave and he doesn't get a job /cannot fund himself , that's his lookout. You will have yr own home, yr work and 2 happy kids living in peace. For your sanity he needs to leave, how he funds that is his problem, he is an adult. He should not have left himself so financially vulnerable and should not be so shouty.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/04/2021 17:20

@chimom

I worked pretty much the same hours you do, but 5 days a week. Our children were in full time childcare from the time they were around 1 yr old.

They're now in their 30s and both wonderful, well-adjusted men. Putting your DC in full time childcare won't damage them. Raising them in a house where you hate their father (don't blame you!) and he is abusive to you WILL damage them.

Kick him out as soon as you possibly can. In the meantime, get your ducks in a row wrt childcare. Sounds as if you have housing and finances already nailed. I know you aren't married, but if you have any worries about the house or child residency, see a solicitor ASAP.

Your mum obviously knows what a shit he is and how miserable you are. Don't know what her situation is (working, retired, etc) but would she be able to stay with you and watch the DC during the work-week on a temporary basis? If so, figure out how long she could do this, see when full time care is available, and then possibly you can kick him out right away.

Original poster
chimom · 17/04/2021 17:26

I have no money, he has all the money. I've tried to get a car on finance today but I've got crap credit because of him. I'm stuck!

OP posts:
Original poster
chimom · 17/04/2021 17:26

Sorry only just replying now been going round and round in circles in my head.

OP posts:
DaphneDuBois · 17/04/2021 17:44

He’s such an idiot. He has everything to lose from talking to you like dirt and yet it still hasn’t stopped him. So glad you are planning to get rid of him. No partner should be spiteful, petty, angry and bad tempered. Let him stew on his own in a bed sit. Vile man

Allwokedup · 17/04/2021 17:53

Why does he have all the money? You’re the one that works

oblada · 17/04/2021 18:08

I can't get around the fact that the OP is worrying about the kids being in nursery for too long during the day and yet it's ok for them to be with their waste of space father?? Surely it's obvious that nursery will be far better for them. With the working hours you have childcare should be easy to arrange. Check your benefits. Kick him out.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2021 18:09

Yes, how on earth has it happened that he has all the money and you have none, when you are the one who is working and the new tenancy is in your name?
That makes very little sense!
Take back THAT control immediately - open a new bank account as soon as you are able and get your pay put into that account instead of wherever it might be going now!

Original poster
chimom · 17/04/2021 18:10

Because I pay all the bills, he's managed to save a bit of money up from his reselling that he does. I've had to ask for new clothes for my new job and he said I could have £20 that's it.

It's not just that easy to kick him out, unless I give up on the job. I need a car to travel there I'm sure I can sort our childcare if I find a childminder.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2021 18:11

Who owns the car? Is that owned outright or bought on finance?

grapewine · 17/04/2021 18:14

Would kids go to a child minder then they drop DS at nursery and look after DD then pick DS back up then I collect them when I'm back?

A lot of parents have to do similar, OP. It's infinitely better, I would think, than being with a parent who shouts all the time and won't let them on the sofa.

Original poster
chimom · 17/04/2021 18:22

Car was originally bought for me but we had a falling out and he put it in his name then sold his.I just want to get my own but it seems like it's going to be a struggle.

I just don't know what the right thing is to do!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/04/2021 18:39

You are in an abusive relationship.

Ring Women's Aid for support and advice.

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