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AIBU?

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Original poster

I absolutely hate my OH

167 replies

chimom · 16/04/2021 12:12

I absolutely hate him and I don't know what to do, we've just moved into a smaller property all in my name I wanted to gain a bit of control back to be honest.
I wanted to save so I can eventually get onto the property ladder which meant downsizing.

Any how, mum has came to stay with us for a few days to help out as we're trying to clear the old house to hand over the keys. He's done nothing but scream and shout at me in front of my mum.

My mum offered to come and help him as I was exhausted we didn't get back until 1 this morning and I was up at 6 again. There's a mountain of washing to do boxes to unpack what I need to get done so I told him to just go and crack on for a few hours at the old house.

I'm about to start my new job for the NHS on Monday he's saying he's not giving me the car I can get the bus.

I can't stand this life I'm living I just need out!!
The screaming and shouting all the time him wanting the house spotless 24/7 doesn't want the kids on the sofa, it's all getting to much for me.

OP posts:
Greebosmum · 16/04/2021 14:10

You absolutely can kick him out. I was in a similar situation and was convinced i couldn't cope. Actually, it was easy. If you can take some time off work or possibly your Dr would give you a sick note to give you time at home to organise everything. If the house is in your name its easy. Childcare funding is about 75% of the cost I think.

Sadly my daughter followed my lead. I was on the phone to her one night and heard her partner kicking off at her again and called the police. She was devastated because she hadnt reached the place of wanting to leave him, but a few years down the line she says I was absolutely right.

Being alone with the children is not easy but it's so much better than what you have now. Good luck, i have everything crossed for you.

timeisnotaline · 16/04/2021 14:11

Ours go to childcare 5 days a week, as we both work FT.
Sending yours to a childminder would be much better for them than having an angry abusive man looking after them! And it’s only 4 days a week.

MimiDaisy11 · 16/04/2021 14:12

Life is too short to put up with people shouting at you. Make a plan on what you need to do to be without him. It sounds like you have quite a lot going for you in terms of house etc.

jessicasmum201 · 16/04/2021 14:18

this is ridiculous, I feel for you girl, went through something similar a couple of years ago. My husband (of 17 years) started sneaking out the house at night, always getting drunk (even in the morning!) so, for his own good, I put him in rehab. After he came out, he completely ignored me (still sleeping in my bed, eating my food and spending my money fyi) and it only stopped when I filed a divorce. Now I am a married wife to someone I could never imagine would have loved me back, with three kids and one on the way! Am happier than i have ever been with a new husband (we're about to celebrate our 5th year anniversery!!), I strongly suggest you do the same! 😘

Candyfloss99 · 16/04/2021 14:19

Leave for your children. You can't let them grow up in a toxic atmosphere like this.

1WayOrAnother2 · 16/04/2021 14:20
  1. This is no way for you to be treated and to live. You deserve much better.
  1. The question of what is best for your children. He might be looking after them while you are at work... but is this really the best thing for them? What are they learning from him?

The way he treats you is not a model you want for them.

A childminder is going to do much better for them and won't be shouting abuse in your home.

EverdeRose · 16/04/2021 14:30

Pack his shit up and kick him out while your mum's here for a few days.

You don't want him around your kids.

I know it seems like a huge task and You'll be thinking 'but what will I do' but just break it down into things you need to do straightaway.

Around where I live there's always a huge influx into school nurseries in the easter term so you'll probably not have too much trouble finding childcare.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/04/2021 14:40

Could he even apply to be the resident parent when he had no home?

OP has the house in her name only. As a single man he'd be well down the housing ladder for the council. If he has no job and can't rent privately, he would be reliant on family/ friends for a bed. Unlikely to have room for two small children, too.

1forAll74 · 16/04/2021 14:44

This is an awful way to be living ,and damaging all round. This man sounds unstable and angry, so If you told him to leave,would he be likely to kick off,and have some anger issues for you to worry about.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/04/2021 14:44

Does he have parental responsibility?

FortunesFave · 16/04/2021 14:53

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Could he even apply to be the resident parent when he had no home?

OP has the house in her name only. As a single man he'd be well down the housing ladder for the council. If he has no job and can't rent privately, he would be reliant on family/ friends for a bed. Unlikely to have room for two small children, too.

Is that enough? He could apply for a residence order....since he's the full time carer of the children I mean.

If a woman was in this situation...even if she were the abuser...if she were a stay at home Mother and her partner had his name on the rental only...and then tried to kick her out...she could take the kids and run to the council for emergency housing.

What's stopping him doing that?

I'm not on his side. Just mentioning what could happen.

Op I would SERIOUSLY consider your options here. Carefully.

FortunesFave · 16/04/2021 14:55

@ineedaholidaynow

Does he have parental responsibility?
They're together still and he is the main carer...so parental responsibility is assumed isn't it. It's only in the event of a separation that someone gains that officially...but the authorities will look at who is the main carer of the kids.
MadinMarch · 16/04/2021 15:01

Given you've just moved and your new home is in your name only, I'd not let him back in the house. Kick him out today, before it becomes his home too. His behaviour gives you the perfect reason to do this NOW.
Contact your new employer and explain that your relationship has unexpectedly broken down and that youre going to need a couple of weeks to organise alternative childcare. Apologise profusely but in a matter of fact way.
Organise childcare and relevant benefits and everything else will fall into place. Don't let ex into your home, but he will be entitled to regular contact. Overnight stays will be out of the question unless he has a suitable home to have them in. In due course, you may be able to organise that he has contact on days that you work, thereby lessing the need for paid childcare.
You will be doing yourself and your children a huge favour shaking off this vile sounding man. Now is the ideal time having just moved.
Good luck!

FortunesFave · 16/04/2021 15:06

@MadinMarch

Given you've just moved and your new home is in your name only, I'd not let him back in the house. Kick him out today, before it becomes his home too. His behaviour gives you the perfect reason to do this NOW. Contact your new employer and explain that your relationship has unexpectedly broken down and that youre going to need a couple of weeks to organise alternative childcare. Apologise profusely but in a matter of fact way. Organise childcare and relevant benefits and everything else will fall into place. Don't let ex into your home, but he will be entitled to regular contact. Overnight stays will be out of the question unless he has a suitable home to have them in. In due course, you may be able to organise that he has contact on days that you work, thereby lessing the need for paid childcare. You will be doing yourself and your children a huge favour shaking off this vile sounding man. Now is the ideal time having just moved. Good luck!
this might prove difficult since he's obviously a bully. But since he's shouty and nasty, I wonder if OP could just report him to the police for abusive and threatening behaviour...they'd come and remove him I think.
SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/04/2021 15:07

If a woman was in this situation...even if she were the abuser...if she were a stay at home Mother and her partner had his name on the rental only...and then tried to kick her out...she could take the kids and run to the council for emergency housing

Hadn't even though of that Fave

Good point.

QwertyBert · 16/04/2021 15:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Maggiesfarm · 16/04/2021 15:13

The op has to find child care before he goes. 'Goes' he must though. It just can't happen overnight.

FlorrieLindley · 16/04/2021 15:14

Why does he want the car on Monday when he doesn't work - and you are starting your new job. He's told you you'll have to take the bus??? Sod that for a laugh! It's your car, you're the earner, take the car and drive to work. HE can get the bus.
Oh - and get rid of him, you only have one life and this is no way to live it, nor is it fair on your children having to grow up with this useless twat as a father.

Wallywobbles · 16/04/2021 15:24

Don't unpack his stuff. Just lock the doors send a text and says it's over. Your stuff can be picked up.

Mum can take you to buy a second hand car tomorrow.

chaos76 · 16/04/2021 15:29

Read your post and think if you were reading it not writing it what would yo do ?

has his behavior always been like this or has something changed ?

Make a decision on how you want your life to be, if you ask him to leave life will be difficult for a while but the ability for you and the children to relax in your own home will be worth it in the end don't put up with this anymore

Mrgrinch · 16/04/2021 15:31

Bloody hell I'm usually against all the LTB on here and think people are too quick to say it, but in this instance kick him out OP.

stonebrambleboy · 16/04/2021 15:35

Talk to your Mum. If I was your mum I 'd come and help you. Have you a brother, is your Dad around to support you in chucking him out. How do you know he's not shouting at the children when you are at work. Please act now.

StormcloakNord · 16/04/2021 15:42

You have two options here OP.

  1. Live a hard life where your children are being emotionally abused and will be affected by this for years

  2. Live a hard life where your children will not be looked after by an abusive man and will thrive.

Surprised you'd even need to consider your options tbh.

MadeForThis · 16/04/2021 15:44

Is he on the birth certificates? If not he won't have parental responsibility.

It might be wise to establish yourself as the main caregiver before you split. Put them in nursery. Have your name as the contact for doctor/ dentist etc.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/04/2021 16:04

Its hard to say without much info.

If you actually hate him, then it's probably best to call time on the relationship.

However, moving is stressful and can bring out the worst in us. It sounds like you have some cross over time between the houses and are having to 'clear out the old house', majority of people have to do it all in one day, I know its hard when the kids are little but I'm reading between the lines here and it sounds as if you are disorganised.

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