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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let him wear dresses

365 replies

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 07:38

One of my DS (4) wears all sorts of clothes including dresses, tights, leggings, as well as typical "boys" clothes. He just likes what he likes. All good. He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts, I don't have a problem with this although I understand children can be cruel I don't think I should stop my son from being himself. However, my ex has said no. He doesn't want to give other kids to "ammo" to bully our ds with. I'm really not sure what to do, what would you do? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 16/04/2021 13:33

I don’t understand all the posts complaining about the OP not putting him in uniform? He WILL be in uniform?

I get the trouser thing. Maybe once he’s done his visit to the school before he begins he will himself choose to wear trousers? That would certainly make it easier for him and you- but I agree, it’s sad we have such a fixed idea on what clothes are for girls. After all, girls can wear ‘boy clothes’ without any fuss. Today I’m dressed ‘as a man’ in jeans and a jumper. Clothes really have no need to be gendered.

likeamillpond · 16/04/2021 13:35

He might resent you when he's older for allowing him to go to school dressed as a girl.
A case of "Why didn't you stop me mum?"Shock I can't believe you let me go out like that!"
Eespecially if he's dressed as a girl in nearly every school photo and it's there for posterity.
You might find he won't thank you.
As parents it's our job to protect our children and it's OK to say no sometimes.
Your DH is being sensible.

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 13:36

I don’t understand all the posts complaining about the OP not putting him in uniform? He WILL be in uniform?

because if you can put a child in uniform (and not dinosaur tshirt or fancy dress), you can tell them to wear trousers or shorts and not a dress.

Deadringer · 16/04/2021 13:37

I think it would be different if he only wanted to wear dresses, but as he likes trousers too i feel your are over thinking it.

wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 13:38

Clothes really have no need to be gendered.

For teens and adults, helps with many body shapes though (not all, but many).
Men clothes are not designed for anyone with boobs or a bum. Women don't use urinals so have different needs.

Happycat1212 · 16/04/2021 13:39

God these “dresses shouldn’t be part of the school uniform” comments are so annoying, try having an autistic child, I’ve yet to find a pair of trousers she’s managed to be able to wear and undo the buttons/clip thing so she wears dresses every day because they are easier for her Angry Just because your children don’t struggle with trousers doesn’t mean others don’t, when she goes to the toilet she doesn’t need to struggle or manage buttons etc joggers and leggings are not allowed to be worn as trousers at our school.

likeamillpond · 16/04/2021 13:43

@Floralchickens

I’ve only known one male child wear dresses at school from the age of 4 (and in year 5 change their name to a very girly one), and the kids didn’t really notice, some giggled about it at first then got used to it. The bigger worry we found (as parents and teachers), watching the mom at school time, if she saw the child doing something deemed as boyish (pretend sword fight/kicking a football/tiring like a dinosaur) he would get told off but if it was doing some ‘girlish’ (dancing like a ballerina/showing off painted nails on no uniform day) we would hear loads of loud gushing praise from her Hmm

He is the youngest boy of 4, and when pregnant she didn’t hide that she was desperate for a girl so if you do decide to allow your child to wear dresses, just watch how you interact with the child too to see if something you’ve kind of pushed on him without realising.

On the surface I would say all the right things, but wgould privately wonder if the mother wanted a girl and is therefore encouraging hee son with the dress wearing.
wesowereonabreak · 16/04/2021 13:44

There's 2 girls in a class of 30 who accept to wear trousers in my youngest class. All the others are very adamant on wearing dresses, as they are allowed.

Why shouldn't girls be wearing dresses if they want to!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/04/2021 13:46

Since my daughter started school she says a lot more that 'x us for boys and y is for girls' (be it princesses or football or makeup or anything) and each time I tell her no, and show her examples of people doing things associated with the other gender.

I don't blame you for being worried but it's such a shame that we collectively quash kids collective preferences and interests at such a young age to fit in with something that humans have recently made up and is completely arbitrary anyway (eg skirts for girls). I know lots of boys starting reception who's favourite colour was pink and who loved glitter and nail varnish etc and by the end of the year they still loved those things but it was a 'secret' in school as they wanted to fit in. So there will likely be other boys who like to wear dresses sometimes or do other things that people consider 'feminine' in his class and in his year, and girls who like to do 'boy's things, and they're all learning just to hide it for fear of being different instead of celebrate their differences and support each other. I think hiding our true selves can actually be quite damaging. I think schools could do more in this regard and I think we could collectively do more - I'm surprised most people think YABU to consider letting your son do something he wants to that isnt harming anyone. We should all be saying go for it and we will all teach our kids they can wear whatever makes them happy and will support the school if this is their policy

Checkingout811 · 16/04/2021 13:46

Absolutely not

AllHallowsEve14 · 16/04/2021 13:48

@randomer

How stupid,my son thought he was a lion at that age.
What? My son doesn't think he is anything other than what he is. Stupid comment.
OP posts:
lonesome2night · 16/04/2021 13:49

Sorry OP but no, at age 4 I wouldn't be letting him wear the girls' uniform. It is absolutely fine for him to dress as he pleases at home. If, when he is older and able to understand social constructs, he wishes to wear the girls' uniform and has the emotional skills and resilience to manage the situations that may arise from that choice, fine. At this point he is a 4 year old making decisions on what he likes and/or finds comfortable. You wouldn't let him go in his nightwear, swimwear etc... this is no different. School is the place where children begin to learn about appropriate behaviours - what is socially acceptable and what is not. To begin testing that boundary before it has even begun is setting him up to have issues with other boundaries.

MeadowHay · 16/04/2021 13:54

@Happycat1212

God these “dresses shouldn’t be part of the school uniform” comments are so annoying, try having an autistic child, I’ve yet to find a pair of trousers she’s managed to be able to wear and undo the buttons/clip thing so she wears dresses every day because they are easier for her Angry Just because your children don’t struggle with trousers doesn’t mean others don’t, when she goes to the toilet she doesn’t need to struggle or manage buttons etc joggers and leggings are not allowed to be worn as trousers at our school.
Genuine question, if your DD was actually a boy with the same difficulties, would you send him to school in a dress?
hamandcgeese · 16/04/2021 13:56

@MaryShelley1818

I know it's not the 'correct mn answer' but no, I probably wouldn't let DS wear the girls uniform to school. I just wouldn't want him opened up to bullying, other kids are cruel.
I'm pretty opened minded, but no way I wouldn't let him. If there is a boys uniform and a girls version he should wear the correct one, it's the rules. As another poster said, practically speaking especially in winter girls should have trousers as uniform. Whilst I do think the summer dresses are nice and cool, they could easily say shorts and a shirt/ polo for everyone. School is very old fashioned and I think really there should be a campaign on even this up. Might help especially keeping girls active and not having such differences between boys and girls.
Happycat1212 · 16/04/2021 13:58

MeadowHay well she’s not so I don’t need to worry about that Hmm if she was I would send her in joggers and tell the school tough she can’t manage with trousers, but as she ISNT a boy I don’t need to do that as dresses are part of the uniform, and she’s allowed to wear them as it makes things easier oh and she wants to wear them. 🙄 why tell girls they can’t wear skirts/dresses. So now we want to police what girls can wear skirts and dresses are easier for MY child than trousers and that is the point.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 16/04/2021 14:03

He starts school this year and wants to wear school dresses or skirts

He must be the first 4 year old to have an opinion on what he wants to wear in 5 months time. And you're surely the first mother of a 4 year old who takes that as a statement of intent.

Brieminewine · 16/04/2021 14:05

Absolutely not. I’m all for gender equality etc but of course a boy wearing a dress will attract attention, it’s not the norm at all. Might aswell put a sign on his back saying ‘I’m different pick on me’.

theDudesmummy · 16/04/2021 14:08

Absolutely would not send him to school in a dress. My DS has always liked dressing up, went through a bit of a princess phase (he has SN so it lasted perhaps longer than most, and he still likes a good handbag at home), and at home he can do what he likes. He has some barbie dolls etc too. But definitely no to a dress to school.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 16/04/2021 14:09

Oh for gods sake does no one actually read the OP posts before they turn everything into a trans issue? He doesn't want to be a girl and doesn't think he is a girl HE JUST LIKES GIRLS CLOTHES BETTER.

OP I would insist on standard boys uniform at least for the first few weeks. Simply because children can be cruel and the dynamics established in the first few weeks tend to persist and if he ends up being left out because he dresses differently and the other kids don't know what to make of him, it might end up setting the trend for the rest of the year.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/04/2021 14:12

Girls/women are ‘allowed’ (as they should be) to wear whatever they want but boys aren’t?

Feminists fought for this and won this "battle" for us. There's been no equivalent mainstream men's movement although when there's stories of secondary school boys wearing a skirt as summer uniform, I wonder if there will be a shift there. Our secondary school allows boys to wear PE kit on hot days but I feel sorry for the boys in other schools stuck in full length trousers.

Perlette · 16/04/2021 14:13

OP, I understand where you are coming from when you say this is a rubbish situation. I also have a little boy who likes what he likes and doesn't care if it's "supposed" to be for one gender or the other. I think that's wonderful and as it ideally should be. I have found some of the posts on here a bit overly fearful of the idea of boys not adhering to gender norms.

My son is a very friendly, inclusive person and has as many girls among his friends as boys. He doesn't want to be a girl but he will wear pink, rainbows and sequins when he wants to. Where we live loads of boys wear pink and no one seems to care.

I don't think it's ideal that school uniform is so gendered and it's annoying to have to make such a distinction between small girls and boys. My son feels it's not fair that he has fewer options for school clothes than the girls and that his options are more boring. I wouldn't personally have any objection to him wearing a skirt or summer dress to school if he wanted to but, as discussed in this thread, I also wouldn't want kids to make negative comments to him and I don't know of any other boys at his school doing so, so I would feel torn if he asked to.

I told him when he was younger that clothes are just clothes and there's no real reason why any colours or styles should be for girls or for boys. However, at a later point I did add that he may have noticed that most men and boys don't wear skirts, even though there's no good reason why - but they usually don't.

He has decided that he won't wear a skirt or dress to school because the other boys don't. He says he wishes people would wear whatever they like and I agree. He does wear pretty much whatever he wants out of school.

Good luck with your son and talking to him about the uniform. It's great that you are there to be positive about him exploring what he likes, but also sensitive to looking out for him. You sound like you are doing a great job. You'll find a way to navigate this that doesn't let it have too much weight, I bet.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 16/04/2021 14:14

He must be the first 4 year old to have an opinion on what he wants to wear in 5 months time. And you're surely the first mother of a 4 year old who takes that as a statement of intent.

Maybe he has an older sister who goes in dresses/skirts so wants to dress like that when he goes to school?
Lots of younger siblings have spent a lot of time in school playgrounds doing the school run so will be familiar with uniform.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 16/04/2021 14:16

So now we want to police what girls can wear skirts and dresses are easier for MY child than trousers and that is the point.

Why is it not OK to police what girls can wear but it is OK to police what boys can wear? That doesn't seem very fair. It doesn't specifically say in the rules that dresses are only permitted for girls.

Happycat1212 · 16/04/2021 14:19

I never actually commented on the ops child wearing a dress just that it’s annoying that people are blindly saying trousers are easier 🙄

SleepingStandingUp · 16/04/2021 14:19

I'm team no, and I've recently brought DS, 5, a dress. He'd love to wear superhero costumes to school, he spends most of his life outside of school in costume. It's still no. The uniform for boys is X, Y, Z. End of.

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