Y3 top performing child doing at leat an hour extra work set my parent after school Aibu to be surprised/pissed off?

[Starzinhereyes]

Dd has a nice little friend who by all accounts is away ahead of her classmates. This child is always chosen for play parts, was constantly praised on zoom 😬& is just known as the classes naturally talented kids.... However the child does numerous workbooks, twinkl worksheets & parents extend every bit of learning... The mum (V wealthy sahm) freely talks about extending the child... Aibu to think there is no need for the mother to spend an extra hour a day giving the child extension work?

@OppsUpsSide

I don’t see the real benefit personally, you are better off ‘expanding their horizons’ in different ways in my opinion.

She's 7 or 8. Surely she is still allowed to do what she finds fun

So why don't you do the same? That sounds like a responsible parent. Most kids who are top of their class do so well because of extra work and effort. No one is ever going to be the first at anything by doing the bare minimum only.

My children are often praised at school and on zoom purely because of the extra hours of education they do at home. We are not rich though. My boys are black so we do what we need to do to get them ahead.

That said, I think you have 2 separate issues here.

One being you chose not to educate your child outside of school, which is perfectly acceptable.

Two being the child in your OP is the 'chosen child' for play parts.
Some children are chosen for these parts because they have a better memory which makes sense. If you feel as though this child has preferential treatment, I would bring it up with the school if you're concerned. I wouldn't mention them being educated outside of school hours as that is a personal choice parents make and nothing to do with you.

@OppsUpsSide

I don’t see the real benefit personally, you are better off ‘expanding their horizons’ in different ways in my opinion.

Still plenty of time for other things. Some children enjoy it, and the school might not be providing enough to push her. That said, also fine not to, depends on the child imo.

You do realise that most primary schools are stretched to breaking point, and rely on parents doing extra work at home? Reading with your children, practising times tables, practising spelling are just some of the things parents are routinely expected to do at home. Do you do any of these things, OP? Now, if you do, should Parent X, who doesn't do any of these things, complain about your DD being on a higher reading level, getting harder maths sheets, getting more lines in assembly because she's confident with words?

She's 7 or 8. Surely she is still allowed to do what she finds fun confused

Of course! And if she legitimately finds Twinkl work sheets ‘fun’ then that’s great (wouldn’t use them personally but plenty do) I just find children get more from other activities and extending learning outside of the classroom is usually best done without the aid of a worksheet.

So for example, I think you are better off sharing stories (reading/oral/film/theatre) than buying the Oxford Owl reading schemes.

If they are managing to do both than good on them!

Are you jealous?

You don’t have any right to be pissed off about what another parent is doing with their own child.

If parents who are wealthy pay for private tutoring some in less affluent circumstances may see that as unfair. However there is no reason why the parents themselves should not give the child extra help.

When I was a lecturer at uni some students would ask for extra reading to prepare for their finals, or simply because they enjoyed the subject. I did not see it as unfair if they got a 1st and their colleagues who just did enough to get by got a 2/2. People who put in extra effort often see the rewards further down the road. Its called deferment of gratification.

I did loads of extra work and activities after school with my mum when I was younger. I didn’t always enjoy it, but I am very grateful as it gave me good stamina, work ethic and helped in academic success later on.

I think provided there isn’t pressure on the child and the parent listens to the child and does allow some down time - it’s a positive thing.

I'm not a fan of doing loads of worksheets after school, personally. I preferred to extend and stretch my dd by providing a wide range of opportunities to do things that she didn't get a chance to do in school.

However, it isn't my business what other parents choose to do with their dc, and it isn't yours either. Maybe the child wants to do it, or maybe the parent thinks it will be beneficial. It isn't your concern.

It's odd that you're so pissed off by this. Pissed off about what, exactly? You just sound bitter and jealous to me, I'm afraid.

This just shows parents cant win sometimes- damned if you do and damned if you dont.

And what does wealthy SAHM got to do with it?

What exactly is it you are surprised about?

Why are you pissed off?

What is wrong with extension work?

This is really common for many children. Gifted children love to be challenged and need something to feed their hungry minds. Bright children need the extra stimulation of enrichment or extension activities to help meet their educational needs. If they are not challenged enough then they become bored and resist doing uninspiring schoolwork.

You sound jealous and bitchy. It is none of your business.

I do extra with my kids too, I assumed most parents did to be honest. My older one is currently writing a “book” on space as that is his current interest. I also set mine times tables, extra maths if they’re finding something tricky, extra spellings to get them confident plus we obviously read every day.
To me this is just normal parenting.

I’m British and living in Australia. When I was young there seemed to be this belief that people were naturally good at some things, and then also naturally not so good at others.
Now I live here, I have lots of Chinese friends and they think this idea is totally bizarre. They believe that anyone can be good at anything, and it just takes time, effort and dedication.
And this really seems to be true. My older son has a “natural” ability for writing and reading - or maybe it’s just because he spends a lot of time doing these things (for enjoyment). He doesn’t have such a love for maths, but in lockdown we spent a lot of time consolidating his knowledge and now he is taking part in maths Olympiad - purely through hard work, practice and perseverance.
He also plays 6-10 hours of tennis per week and is consequently very good at it. I’m not shy in saying “he puts the work in - if it was natural talent then Federer would have a day job and just turn up and win”
Growing up there was this idea that you should just be effortlessly good at things and hide your hard work and I honestly think it’s totally mad.
I do think people have a natural love for some things, but this is easily confused with ability, when actually what is more likely is that their natural love means they spend a lot of time doing the thing!

YABVU to be pissed off

It would be reasonable to ask why many bright children get very little opportunity for acceleration, as it relies on parents. Especially in maths, there are plenty of kids who could breeze through the curriculum 2-3 years ahead of their age, but no opportunity for them to do so.

As others have said, the daughter must enjoy it and respond well for the mother to continue.

Who cares

I do a lot of extra work with my DC. I like helping them thrive, learn and feel confident. My eldest in particular likes a stretch and loves learning so why not. It's not your kid so shouldn't bother you anyway.

My foster child has a tutor 3 times a week and he loves it. He has asked for tutor every night. He is 14. Some children love to learn. Nothing to stop you extending your child too. You sound jealous of your dad's friends achievements. Nothing wrong with children learning hard work brings rewards.

My primary aged kid is currently doing extra work with me after school. She is bored out of her mind in school, as they're going over the exact same stuff they did in lockdown, in order to catch the kids up who didn't engage with the home learning. Those that did do it seem to be expected to stay where they are, with no progression whatsoever, whilst everyone else catches up.

I'm only a poor sahm, but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch my kid be bored by her current education. She needs extra stimulation, and she needs to make some kind of progress this term, not sit around practising the ee sound whilst others catch up. She enjoys the activities we do, and at the moment we're battling her over the fact she wants to be homeschooled because she enjoys the work at home more. We're hoping her next teacher will be a bit more aware of the range of abilities in the class, as I do not wish to homeschool her and lose all the benefits of a rounded school education.

Perhaps the kid you know is similarly unstretched at school - would you like them held back until everyone else is at their level?

When I was young there seemed to be this belief that people were naturally good at some things, and then also naturally not so good at others. Now I live here, I have lots of Chinese friends and they think this idea is totally bizarre. They believe that anyone can be good at anything, and it just takes time, effort and dedication.

@Ozgirl75, this is so true of the Chinese. I grew up in HK, where kids studied ferociously. It wasn't about "natural brilliance" but hard slog. We moved to Sydney and my DB absorbed a slackarsed attitude, condemning hard-working kids as "boring" and refusing to put in any extra effort because he'd decided he wasn't brainy. But he was, and he could have become the veterinarian he dreamed of being, if only he'd got stuck into his schoolwork. He realises now that he wasted his ability.

So to everyone who is coaching their DCs after school, encouraging their special projects and indulging their hunger for knowledge -- keep going.

Good for her. We need more people like this.

What do you do to encourage your child's learning at home?

My older dd didn't do any extra hw infact she was allowed to stop hw for a while, still in top % of class. Teachers always raving about her..

However she did love to read... Devoured books... Loved children's puzzle books.. Which is all learning.. We did lots of extra curricular stuff with her. By year 3 many of her peers were entering 11+ training which did entail lots of extra work for them so maybe the mum wants to get the child into a higher performing school.

State primary won't be geared to this so maybe she's setting her sights higher?

There's worse things for a parent to do.. And helping dc now will go a long long way.
My no 2 has required much more support from me and I realise now dd 1 was the exception not the normal.
I think at primary age patients involvement should be encouraged far far more actually because a large state primary can really only do so much..