to ask what things you could smugly say you had never done?.....but in other news....

[PyongyangKipperbang]

So I was smug that I had never put a pizza in the oven with the polystyrene tray still attached. I mean, what kind of fuckwit does that?!

In other news...... I am having sandwiches for dinner.....

The day I was trying to get into someone's else's car in the car park was a low! ' why doesn't this key work .. ' oh wait .

Nearly walking off with somebody else's food trolley in the supermarket. They were not impressed !

I have never frantically searched with my right hand in my handbag and pockets for my keys - when I was actually holding them in my left hand. Honestly, I haven't!

I have never emptied the contents of my stock pot into a colander in the sink..

I have never smacked a man's arse in madam Tussauds, thinking it was a wax work (tbf I was 7, was wondering why it was warm and squidgy and was able to turn around and look at me with a wtf face).

I have never lost my phone, asked DP to ring it so I can find it, and then once found it look and say "Oh, I've got a missed call from you?"...

Oh, I have also never gone to the tip, launched a black bag into the massive skip, and watched my car keys that I was holding sail in after it.

Oh, and one more. I have never got into my car, closed the door and put my seatbelt on before realising I was sat in the back seat and not the drivers seat.

My colleague was panicking because her MOT had run out a few months ago and she had completely forgotten. We chuckled together as she called to book it in the next day.

In other news my MOT renewal month moved from June to August.

I’ve never stood outside a hotel room in a long corridor with a hundred sets of identical doors, holding the electronic card key against the lock wondered why it just wouldn’t work, gone down to reception to have it reset, go back up and realise I was trying to get in the wrong room.

@EscapeDragon that is hilarious, you win the thread

I have never tried to swipe my bank card to pay for something in a shop, and been puzzled as to why it didn't work - only to find that I was using my workplace ID card instead of the bank card! Nor have I ever tried to get into my workplace building by swiping my bank cared instead of the workplace ID card.

I have never dropped the children at school / nursery, come home and found the front door wide open, called a neighbour to search for a possible burglar then realised I didn't even shut it when I left that morning.

.. I've never eaten a Colin the caterpillar cake, or a Cuthbert or any of his dodgy cousins!
I may have eaten a packet of chocolate shortbread today though.
I often go upstairs and completely forget why I went up there or what I wanted to do or fetch until I get back down again.

I have never sprinkled monosodium glutamate crystals on chocolate pudding instead of sprinkling crystallised sugar. Definitely not!

And if I did, I certainly wouldn't only realise it when my guests commented on it.

To be fair, the labelling on the packets I'd bought was not in any language I knew ( not my mother tongue nor in either of the languages of the country I was living in at the time).

I have never got very irritated when my optician saw me a good 20 minutes late for my appointment, then had no record of my details on his computer.

In other news, a new optician has opened 2 doors down from my one. They apparently are very understanding with people who go to the wrong optician

I was smug that I've never ever cracked a phone screen

Until I let my 3 year old watch YouTube on it and he bit it...

I have never left the key in the car door and gone into work. Also my coworker has an excellent memory when it comes to knowing who drives which car.

I have also never left the plastic bag of giblets inside the turkey only to be discovered upon carving said bird. Did I mention 2020 was my first attempt at Christmas lunch?

I have never kept myself awake by farting so bad even I am revolted by it.

In other news....I am awake and I think something died....

I've never at 5am fed the same baby twice and wondered why one puked and the other one was mysteriously wailing.

I've never spent ages booking to view a very old, very rare book in a special collections university library (for my dissertation) only to discover that it was written in Spanish and I couldn't speak or read Spanish. Then I definitely wouldn't sit there and pretend to read it and take notes for 45 minutes because I was too embarrassed to ask the people who worked there to put it back again ...

I have never put my tampax in the fridge and chees in the bathroom 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have never taken a plastic clippy thing out the drawer to seal up the frozen peas, and then put the sealed peas in the drawer with all the other plastic clippy things. Nope, wasn't me who discovered them the next day.

I have never had my car towed to a garage late at night, after a long journey, written a note to said garage explaining what happened and helpfully attached my car keys before posting it through the garage letter box... then turned to realise my car was still on the tow truck ramp!
That would have been awful, so glad I didn’t do that! 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have never worn my parker jacket inside out with the very long Zara labels and pocket flaps flapping around in the wind, got on the bus, rode the tube and made it all the way to work, only noticing stupid jacket was inside out when I got into the lift and looked at myself in the mirror.

I’ve never worn clothes inside out for important meetings with clients that I’m meeting for the first time. And I’ve most certainly not walked out of the house with DP’s slippers on to go to the airport.

In other news, I made potato gratin, chucked in some mushrooms into the sauce last minute, and it was delicious.

I never answered the phone by picking up the remote control and got frustrated why it kept bloody ringing..