to ask what things you could smugly say you had never done?.....but in other news....

[PyongyangKipperbang]

So I was smug that I had never put a pizza in the oven with the polystyrene tray still attached. I mean, what kind of fuckwit does that?!

In other news...... I am having sandwiches for dinner.....

I have never locked my keys in the car, that would be a stupid thing to do...in other news, if you lay all your stuff, including the keys, on the passenger seat of my car and close the doors so you can brush the snow off the windshield, it locks itself! I had to cancel my hair appointment and call a locksmith to get it open!

To continue...
I’m not that person who changes tv channels with her mobile, ‘answers’ the remote control when it rings, squealed in panic that her car had been stolen from work car park (twas having an MOT...) forgets her age and has to ask DP or Ds ‘how old am I?’ and when looking for her mobile, found the SKY remote in her handbag... and the phone on the sofa!

None of that was me.... oh no...

I’m happy to confirm that I have never tried to swipe a page of a real book. In other news I got a kindle as a present.
I am also happy to confirm that I have never rushed out of a supermarket and jumped into a strangers car, after my husband parked and waited in our car while I popped into said supermarket for a couple of things. In other news did you know all red cars look alike?

I’m not the sort of dippy twerp that put fuel in her car, went and paid and then burst into tears cos ‘my car is broken’ as even though it was in gear, handbrake off, it wasn’t moving...
Always helps to turn the key and start the engine....
Dippy twerp, indeed🤦‍♀️

I have definitely never been too lazy to wash a baking tray, rummaged in the cupboard and found a silver coloured cake tray and put the oven chips on that instead...

I mean, you would clearly realise it was plastic underneath and should never be near an oven, never mind inside one for 20 minutes.

I have definitely never opened my oven door to discover it full of chemical fumes and plastic dripping through the bars of the oven shelves. No sir.

Definitely didn't have to buy a new fucking oven...

I definitely didn't take a newborn and 18 month year old shopping and park in a multi storey, to have my car stolen.
When I got back to the car park with two fractious kids I definitely didn't call my husband in tears who left work to meet me and called the police to report it stolen for me.
I definitely hadn't gone to the wrong car park. What fucking sleep deprived muppet would do that?

I absolutely have never set the breadmaker to bake a loaf overnight and forgotten to add any water to the flour, yeast and butter.
In other news, baked buttery dry flour has a very distinctive smell which will wake you up at 1.30am

Forgot to say I have never left the house with one black shoe and one navy shoe on and had to change into the spare pair of shoes I keep at work, especially as I walk to work and might not notice until I had walked for 10 mins and it was too late to go back home. No I definitely did not do that, note to self don’t buy the same shoes in both black and navy again

I've never set a tea towel on the hob, turned on the wrong ring and set it afire. In other news, I've never left something on top of my car and driven away (probably because I am short and it would never occur to my stubby self to put something on top of a car).

I’ve never been late for work because I searched the whole house for 20 minutes for my car keys only to find that I’d put them in the fridge when I got my lunch bag out

Oh no, just keep thinking of these things I’ve NEVER done....
Went out wearing 2 very very similar black ankle boots... realised I wasn’t walking very well and thought my hip was playing up... I mean, what sort of fool would wear boots with different heel heights?
And I’m not like a previous poster who glanced down, to notice (finally) that she was wearing one black and one navy shoe...

Can I volunteer one on behalf of someone else?

My next door neighbour felt herself very superior to me because I had my child while unmarried at 19. She would have never. She had two pre-teen daughters at the time. Her smugness didn't last long at all.

I have never poured the stock away through a sieve (as cannot be bothered to make stock).
I have many years ago tried to climb into the boot of my car to unlock door as thought lock was frozen. It wasn't my car. I'd walked right past my car to do it.

@Toilenstripes. Like Mrs Richards in Fawlty Towers..

Please tell me someone said to you while pointing at head. "Tolien your glasses are there". 😂😂😂😂.

@Merryoldgoat

I’ve never locked myself out of the house and had to call a locksmith to let me in for the princely sum of £65

Once lost my keys on Xmas day and locksmiths cost me $1K (I'm overseas).

I have never fell asleep with my contact lenses in then been so confused why I was more blind when putting my glasses on the next morning. I've also never woken up after thirty minutes sleep the entire night with a newborn and poured the milk into the washing machine drawer and the fabric softener into my cereal. Reader,strawberry and Lilly kiss does not compliment the flavour of Cheerios AT ALL

I have never been to Sainsbury's of an evening only to realise I am wearing fluffy slippers.

In other news my slippers are really comfy.

I have never ever sworn at the kettle because I couldn’t get it to fit in the fridge whilst the milk sat happily in the kettle spot...

I have never panicked because I couldn't find baby mindee, to discover he was on my hip the entire time.

I have never been unable to find my phone to look something up while talking on it.

In other news, I'm post menopausal and my brain has taken early retirement 🙂

I have never had a midnight tussle with a sick feverish toddler and a pamol syringe resulting in contents squirting somewhere in the dark.
I have also not panicked the next morning that the ceiling is leaking, lodged a request with handyman and then discovered the leak was actually last nights pamol dripping from the ceiling.

I have never, repeat never, used two fingers to zoom in/enlarge the text in a real book.

I've never chopped & peeled vegetables or fruit then put them in the composting food bin whilst leaving the rinds/left overs on the chopping board....

I have never left my car unlocked with all my windows down due to the rush of excitement to go shopping at the Mall and left my handbag in there only to realise i cant pay for my things at the tills?
In other news car thieves have seemed to disappeared?

I have never hoovered up and put all my daughter's scattered hairclips in my hair as I went along. I have then never merrily gone to Sainsburys straight after hoovering with all the clips still in my hair without realising.

I've never used the torch on my phone to search under the seats in the car for......my phone.