Has anyone managed to change from a rough family to a pleasant one?

booksandnooks · 2021-04-15T17:07:40+00:00

My young family is the former, very rough and loud with a crying baby or tantruming toddler and 2 children who run me ragged. I am so embarrassed every single time I take them out. It has come to the point where I would rather sit inside on a beautiful day that try to deal with taking them out. I have 4 under 10 so a lot of children, a lot of noise, and I am spread very very thin. And it shows. The cracks are visible in my parenting and in my children's behaviour. Has any one got any tips or advice on how to crack down and deal with this? My eldest 2 have gotten into the habit of sneaking out of bed to watch TV while I am asleep and they both completely ignore me when I ask anything. My sister has noticed and has pulled, both me and the children, up on it. I just let it all out and told her that I am in over my head, quite frankly, and that I am the epitome of a struggling mother DRAGGING her children up rather than bringing them up. In fact most of the time I feel they are dragging me. I just want to be respectable but am failing terribly.

Original poster

booksandnooks · 15/04/2021 18:29

bump

OP posts:

TheThermalStair · 15/04/2021 18:32

Have you got a partner to help you? Have you had good habits in place that have slipped, or are you trying to start from scratch now?

Pupster21 · 15/04/2021 18:37

You need to set firm boundaries and stick to them. I have a 9 year old and 7 year old, they wouldn’t dream of sneaking out of bed to watch tv because I’d be banning all electronics if they did. You need to talk to your older children, explain why they can’t do things (they need sleep, it’s unsafe as you can’t check what they’re wAtching) and explain there’ll be consequences if they go against you.

When your rough, loud children are misbehaving you tell them their behaviour is making you go home from the park, beach wherever early and there will be consequences when you get home. You also explain what you expect of them before you go, give warnings if they forget how to behave then follow through. They’ll soon learn.

What do you mean by rough though?

Basically you need to step up and parent, it sounds like you’ve given up.

Original poster

booksandnooks · 15/04/2021 18:38

Well having children has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. We have been through so many good patches but they are short lived and we, as a family, always fall back into bad habits (like sneaking out of bed )
I do have a partner but he works 60+ hour weeks and I am a sahm so the child rearing falls largely on my shoulders.

I always had the image of a family sitting in a lovely tidy sitting room, reading together or playing card games. I'm shocked it hasn't happened

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Woeismethischristmas · 15/04/2021 18:39

I feel your pain I have 4 10 and under too and it’s all carrot and stick here. Don’t behave and lose your iPad time. Lots of promises of treats. That said thenoise when they arrive it’s like a wave. I try and get them to use inside voices but losing a battle there. They are like a gang and sometimes so lovely to each other but other times the squabbling is unbearable. You have to follow through with consequences no matter how knackering. I also give them stuff just so I can threaten to pause it for bad behaviour. Latest audio book from a favourite author.

Youngest is 6 though and it gets easier I think. The eldest have gotten in the habit of ignoring you as you’re busy with the little ones and don’t have the time or energy to follow through. You have to change that.

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/04/2021 18:40

Why are you shocked? It was never going to happen without some actual parenting from you.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 15/04/2021 18:42

Just came on thinking this was a working class v middle class bunfight

RiverSkater · 15/04/2021 18:43

Supernanny seems able to perform miracles, maybe watch a few episodes?

Quadzilla · 15/04/2021 18:43

What are the consequences for your children when they sneak out of bed?

Original poster

booksandnooks · 15/04/2021 18:44

It isn't through lack of trying but I really don't know what to try now. I do leave when they misbehave, it doesn't bother them. and screens are banned regularly.
We had a really good couple of months with a colour chart on the wall with their pocket money taped to the green side so they could visually see their pocket money and how close they were to getting it or losing it for the week. I thought we were past the bad bits. but the novelty eventually wore off and they stopped trying to get to green.

I have 2 older children with a baby and a toddler to look after so they take advantage of me needing to put the younger ones to bed or when I am breastfeeding the baby. They know I can't really pop my boob off and leave the baby to it. Its really ramped up lately and I definitely think it has something to do with the baby

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ShutUpAlex · 15/04/2021 18:44

I’m pretty rough but now live in an naice area. Everyone shouts at their kids. Remember on mumsnet, people portray an image of being a perfect parent because they can when on reality everyone in real life loses their shit occasionally. Don’t compare yourself to others, just do what you need to do to discipline your kids when they’re out of line. Sneaking out of bed is a massive no no and should be punished accordingly. Just focus on what you CAN do as a parent and try not to worry about what you THINK you should do.

Pupster21 · 15/04/2021 18:45

I imagine the sitting and reading would be difficult with the baby and a toddler, we do it on a weekend all sit around and have half an hours reading but we have to enforce it or it doesn’t happen. Screens go off here at 10.30 on a weekend and don’t go back on until 5, if we want to play board games and card games again we just ask them. I think part of the issue is the age difference, it must be hard finding activities suitable for all ages. The other thing is we find a lot of exercise helps to settle down the boisterousness, so we tend to go on 1.5/2 hour walks after lunch for some fresh air.
I agree that the eldest 2 have probably got used to you being distracted by the youngest 2. At the toddler will see their elder siblings getting away with not listening and getting away with it so won’t listen either. Firm boundaries, clear expect and following through always.

Thatwentbadly · 15/04/2021 18:46

Sneaking off to watch TV. Remove the fuse from the plug and take it with you.

shouldistop · 15/04/2021 18:47

@GreyhoundG1rl was there any need for that?

RampantIvy · 15/04/2021 18:47

@Woeismethischristmas

I feel your pain I have 4 10 and under too and it’s all carrot and stick here. Don’t behave and lose your iPad time. Lots of promises of treats. That said thenoise when they arrive it’s like a wave. I try and get them to use inside voices but losing a battle there. They are like a gang and sometimes so lovely to each other but other times the squabbling is unbearable. You have to follow through with consequences no matter how knackering. I also give them stuff just so I can threaten to pause it for bad behaviour. Latest audio book from a favourite author.

Youngest is 6 though and it gets easier I think. The eldest have gotten in the habit of ignoring you as you’re busy with the little ones and don’t have the time or energy to follow through. You have to change that.

Four children in four years sounds like hard work. I take my hat off to you.

Pupster21 · 15/04/2021 18:48

Do you get to spend much time with just the older 2? I think you need to have some separate time on a weekend where your partner looks after the younger 2 and you do something with the older 2. Have some nice family time, learn to enjoy each other again when they behave just the 3 of you.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 18:48

Is it just the behaviour that's letting you down?

Rough family I'd assume dressed scruffily, lots of swearing, lots of threatening, kids being unruly not just noisy

I think if you get out the house looking clean and tidy, people tolerate a lot more.

Why is the baby crying?

Why is the toddler tantrumming?

How old are the big kiss and what are the consequences for bad behaviour

Original poster

booksandnooks · 15/04/2021 18:49

Consequence is no pudding the next day and no screen time for the whole day. my eldest took the sweet box out of the cupboard this morning (while I was breastfeeding) and put some sweets in his mouth Whilst I was telling him not to. openly defiant its very upsetting. I made him spit them into my hand and sit in the calm down corner (they go in for the same amount of minutes as their age superannuation style) but it doesn't phase them at all

if I did that to my parents I'd have been smacked on the bottom so hard! thats all I think about when they treat me so badly. I wouldn't have dared as a child. But I can hardly hit them can I?

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gah2teenagers · 15/04/2021 18:50

I’m totally a fan of “baby proofing” as it were, so a simple padlock on the lounge door to keep the older two out at night once you go to sleep maybe stops that. You sound like you are making the right moves to encourage and discipline them so hopefully things will settle down as the baby gets older.

sadpapercourtesan · 15/04/2021 18:52

TBH it doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong to me. You discipline your children just as most of us do, you try to keep on top of behaviour, you haven't given up at all. I suspect you will find things get dramatically more doable once the baby is a bit older and you aren't pinioned to the sofa breastfeeding, and don't feel so thinly spread. Four young children is a mammoth ask, and it not surprising that it's noisy and rowdy and you're knackered.

Do you get breaks? Does your partner ever take the three older ones off for a few hours so you can chill with the baby? I remember being so touched out when mine were little, I recoiled if anyone came near me and felt like I was about to shatter. And I only had two close in age.

Oh, and ignore the random bitch-plopper. We have a bit of an infestation of those, but they're like wasps, they go away if you ignore them

Original poster

booksandnooks · 15/04/2021 18:54

Youngest is 6 though and it gets easier I think. The eldest have gotten in the habit of ignoring you as you’re busy with the little ones and don’t have the time or energy to follow through. You have to change that.

I think you may have hit the nail on the head here.
They can be so loving and are very bright but I feel like they know my weakness (feeding, bathing and putting to bed the little ones) and take advantage of that massively.

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MakingPlans21 · 15/04/2021 18:56

@booksandnooks give yourself a bit of a break. Parenting is so hard and when we are exhausted/frustrated/upset it can be easy to give in to them rather than setting boundaries. I haven’t read the whole thread but it it possible for you to spend more one on one time with the children so you can give each one your attention and set some rules in place? Having four can be more like crowd control than parenting.

NerrSnerr · 15/04/2021 18:57

What are your children like when out? Especially with other children? Loud and boisterous wouldn't bother me- it's only when I have to intervene when other children are pushing mine I would get frustrated. If they leave other children alone I'd keep taking them out to get them out of the house.

Original poster

booksandnooks · 15/04/2021 18:57

@Thatwentbadly

Sneaking off to watch TV. Remove the fuse from the plug and take it with you.

Brilliant 👏 I'm showing this to DH now. What a great idea

OP posts:

TheThermalStair · 15/04/2021 18:58

does your partner actually have to be working 60 hours a week? It might sound dim to even ask but some people are working lots of free overtime out of habit for example I am one of them and could maybe cut back a bit.

I expect if you have a small baby you're totally knackered and just don't have enough emotional energy to clamp down on the elder two and they're just running wild. They won't actually be enjoying this either, just taking it as a sign that you're all wrapped up with the baby and don't have time to pay attention to them. Can you get them to sit and chat with you while you feed the baby? One at a time? Tell me about your day, or get them to read to you or draw for you.