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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has bought me a gift...

319 replies

Sunshinesandice · 15/04/2021 12:58

My husband was acting a little strange around me yesterday - shrugged it off and let it go..

This morning he presented me with a gift , a pair of thigh high bondage lace up platform pole dancing boots. He gets off on the way they look and wants me to wear them in the bedroom.

I am bit speechless if I’m honest. I’m not sure how to even react.. it’s so not me at all , if anything I’m cringing so badly. But he is my husband and I understand he’s trying to make more of an effort with us in that department...

How do I let him down nicely ..

OP posts:
fitflopqueen · 15/04/2021 13:09

Just say you hope he kept the receipt!

DinoHat · 15/04/2021 13:10

He’s obviously got some fetishes/fantasies that he’s not felt brave enough to discuss with you. I agree he’s not approached this in an ideal way but do use it as an opportunity to have an open discussion about your sex life.

Lockheart · 15/04/2021 13:11

Also you say you're saving for your wedding but then refer to him as your husband?

Original poster
Sunshinesandice · 15/04/2021 13:11

I do mean husband to be ** apologies

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 15/04/2021 13:12

He's not trying to make more of an effort, he's trying to get you to make more of an effort for him.

Hmm
KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 13:17

Your name is not Bree? Grin

KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 13:19

Are you happy and comfortable with him? Are your intimate relationship a good experience for you?

As long as there's no red flag, it's just a bad gift. I would tell him you are not comfortable at all with that.

If you are getting married, you should be able to speak about your sex life. It's ok to get things wrong, especially when he's not forcing anything on your or making you feel uncomfortable in the moment.

Giantrooster · 15/04/2021 13:19

Buy him a full fireman's outfit, oxygen flask the works.

Pbbananabagel · 15/04/2021 13:20

Looking at it a different way, you’ve got to love that he’s being direct and sharing his fantasies with you- putting you right in the centre of his sexy daydream. Yes they are for him, but shouldn’t we praise our partners for telling us what they need? I think if you want it to be, this could be a great opportunity for you to tell him what YOU need in response and see if you can level up your sex life in a really frank and honest way. I think a lot of couples could benefit from that.

nitsandwormsdodger · 15/04/2021 13:22

Present him with a gift
Drill/ mop ? to get jobs done around the house? Tell him it gives you the raging horn living in a clean tidy house

MrsKingfisher · 15/04/2021 13:22

I'd ask him for the receipt, I wouldn't tell him to F off or be aggressive. Just that it's not your thing and could he return.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2021 13:23

Buy him a full fireman's outfit, oxygen flask the works

Nah. I'd do the whole bondage thing. Gimp mask, chains, thigh-spreader. Chain him to the bed naked. Whisper 'I'll be baaaack' and go out for a night with your women friends.

AsterixGoesCamping · 15/04/2021 13:25

Honestly, something like this needs to be TALKED about before hand.
Giving you that as a 'present' is a way to impose his choices onto you hoping that you won't dare saying NO 'because its a gift'.

I'd have a chat with him on boundaries and communication.

ESPECIALLY if you are getting married. I wouldn't want to start a marriage with problems like this hanging over me.

AsterixGoesCamping · 15/04/2021 13:28

@Pbbananabagel

Looking at it a different way, you’ve got to love that he’s being direct and sharing his fantasies with you- putting you right in the centre of his sexy daydream. Yes they are for him, but shouldn’t we praise our partners for telling us what they need? I think if you want it to be, this could be a great opportunity for you to tell him what YOU need in response and see if you can level up your sex life in a really frank and honest way. I think a lot of couples could benefit from that.
I'm sorry but I don't think he is being direct. He is imposing his fantaisies onto the OP.

Now she is tying herself in knots on how to tell him NO wo huritng him etc...
That's not being nice or telling her what he's like/want (and please that's not what he NEEDS).

Being direct is taking fully ownership of your fantaisies and TALKING face to face to your partner. It's being happy to make compromises. It's being open about what you like or don't.
Which isn['t the case as the OP wasnt aware they had any issue 'in the bedroom department'....

Scarlettpixie · 15/04/2021 13:30

This is a gift I would enjoy so not necessarily just a ‘gift for him’. It is very random of him to just drop it on you out of the blue if your sex life never goes in that direction. Maybe he wasn’t sure how to approach or just assumed you would like them.. you need an open discussion and if they are not your thing, he should return them. It’s a lot of money if they jus5 sit in the cupboard!

GreyhoundG1rl · 15/04/2021 13:31

But he is my husband and I understand he’s trying to make more of an effort with us in that department...
Eh? Where is the effort from him in this?

Deathgrip · 15/04/2021 13:34

I would be pissed off that he’d done it without discussing it with you first, especially if it’s something very out of character for you. He should have at least said this is something I would like to do, how do you feel about it? Instead he’s put the onus on you to refuse which is really not how mutually loving sexual relationships should work!

DH and I have bought things for the other that we know they’d like, but if it was something I wanted to do and didn’t seem his cup of tea, I wouldn’t just buy it and push it on him.

Oneeyeopen · 15/04/2021 13:35

£140!
Can't he use his imagination like Pam and Mick being Camilla and Charles.
You could buy dp some ears!

Deathgrip · 15/04/2021 13:35

Looking at it a different way, you’ve got to love that he’s being direct and sharing his fantasies with you- putting you right in the centre of his sexy daydream

You must be joking. This isn’t “sharing fantasies”, it’s coercion. This isn’t “oh I know my wife likes X so I’ll buy this relevant item”. I don’t buy that he’s not confident enough to bring it up if he’s confident enough to buy them and expect her to wear them.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2021 13:35

Definitely a gift for him so tell him you will consider wearing them once he has and then see if he still feels sexy.

Not a hope in hell I would wear those.

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/04/2021 13:37

And £140 for something you don't want or like? I'd b e making him send them back and you can choose a gift for yourself for the same price.

Quirrelsotherface · 15/04/2021 13:39

Odd. The whole thread is a bit...odd.

Dashel · 15/04/2021 13:39

@Sparklfairy

I'd be tempted to buy him a really humiliating sex outfit and say I'll wear mine if you wear yours...
Yep this is exactly what I would do, maybe a gimp costume
Sosigsandwich · 15/04/2021 13:40

FFS it's a pair of boots. How dramatic are you lot! Just tell him you don't want to wear them and that's not the kind of thing that turns you on. It's not like he rocked up with another man.

ILoveShula · 15/04/2021 13:41

@cutebutscary

He will get the message if you treat yourself to a sturdy 9" strap on that YOU have been wanting to try for a while on him 😉 that should shut him up 😜
This.