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He has met someone else hasn't he?

301 replies

walkigonsuncc · 15/04/2021 08:04

2 months ago (after a awful relationship) I started speaking to a man on tinder.
We exchanged numbers and straight away started speaking a lot.
Before work,during work after work etc.
He added me to Instagram and sometimes we would be chatting at the same time on both.

We had our first date 3 weeks ago after a month of chatting.
It went really well and we never stopped talking and laughing.

Straight after the date he rang me and he we spoke on the phone for a hour and he asked me out Again.
We arranged this Friday,so I booked the table and paid £20 deposit (outdoor drinks ,put they need deposits to secure table )
He was excited and talked about what drinks he fancied.
He was tagging me in posts about the place etc.

He would ring me most days after work for a hour,sometimes twice in one night.
He spoke about how his nephews were going to love me,told me he wanted to come with me whilst I pick a car (as I'm too nice and they will try and rip me off )
He is offered to pick me up from work as my car broke down.
Set an alarm every morning at 4am to text me good morning before my job started.

Last Thursday he text and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee (I said no as I was so busy that day)
He said no problem and was excited for Friday.
I was also so excited.
I thought at last I had met a nice guy.

Then Saturday I felt a change.
He wasn't chatting,no texts,no phone calls.
I tried texting but he would read and not reply for a few hours (I could just tell )
Sunday I spoke about our next date and how we would freeze in the beer garden..he replied ha.
He also was posting topless pics on his insta story (as though he was trying to impress someone )
Then he tagged a girl in his story of a song.

Monday he text "hi sorry I'm not ready to date after my ex broke my heart ,hopefully you understand,can you please delete my number"
I was shocked and text asking what I had done.
He said "it's me not you"
Then I said "you've done a 360 overnight"
He said he hadn't and had been thinking about it for a few days.
Then he blocked me on everything just like that gone.

My gut instinct told me check tinder ..there he was,with new pics (pics he sent me two weeks earlier )
Later in the day his profile was gone.

So my gut says,he started talking to someone new who he obviously preferred..I'm assuming the girl he tagged.
She was tanned,huge boobs,posing on a bed with legs spread etc (so clearly caught his eye )
How intense with me (over 2000 texts in two months ) will be what she's getting.

I'm upset (I know it was only 1 date) but everything was so intense.
Now he's gone just like that.

Aibu to think that's what's happened ?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 15/04/2021 10:13

He was even talking about future Xmas presents.

You talk about that as if it’s a positive thing, but it’s not, it’s really weird for someone to do that after meeting online and only seeing each other once. If it was me I’d be quite put off thinking he was a bit odd and I’d definitely back off, put some space between us and be wary of how I moved forward.

MakingPlans21 · 15/04/2021 10:15

Sorry to hear that OP but you’ve had a lucky escape.

@LakieLady how judgemental. Awful misogynistic post by you. Presuming the breasts are fake and as if women can’t be tanned and busty and funny and good conversationalists. Frankly, you sound worse than the guy who has mistreated the OP!

MakingPlans21 · 15/04/2021 10:18

@walkigonsuncc go and take a book or something and sit in the sun and enjoy a glass of wine and some nibbles at the place you booked.

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 15/04/2021 10:18

That's the first rule of being ghosted and love bombed.....don't wonder/want/expect an explanation.
Because there isn't one. Hes not going to say "I'm a cunt who loves to chat shit, see how much I can make someone like me, then drop them like a hat cos I lovvvee the power of it".
You'll get bullshit or nothing.

You have learnt a valuable lesson and had your first experience of love bombing. You'll know in the future.

Not being sexist, but women are far more easier to love bomb. When a woman has been in a bad relationship, been single for a while, have had a string of douche bags who just want a shag, all her friends are coupled up...then someone comes along with all the attention and talking of the future, your sucked in.
If this arse hole had stuck around, he would have just started with the controlling further down the line.

You've had a lucky escape.

HowToBringABlushToTheSnow · 15/04/2021 10:19


Any guy who posts shirtless pictures of himself is a bit of a prick and must be avoided at all costs.

My thoughts entirely.

OP, sorry this happened to you but it's one of the many lessons that you need to learn before dating again.

  1. Run a mile if they love bomb

2. Run a mile if they future fake (in your case the Xmas present chat)
3. Run for as many miles as your legs can carry you if they post shirtless photos Grin

Dust yourself off and count this as a VERY lucky bullet dodged
Lovemusic33 · 15/04/2021 10:23

He sounds like a typical love bomber. Been there a few times with on line dating, I no longer take much notice of what guys say during the early days of dating, never make long term plans or talk about feelings until at least 3 or 4 dates in (more ideally).

Just remember that it’s nothing you have done wrong, it’s him, he dived in too fast with all the plans etc..., making you feel too comfortable, then he gets cold feet or meets someone else and he’s gone. This is what guys do 😞. Get back on the dating apps and find someone else to date, forget about him but be careful in the future, don’t believe what guys say to you early on because usually it’s a load of rubbish.

Dizzy1234 · 15/04/2021 10:34

As painful as it is you have had a lucky escape, you found out he's a dick before it went too far.
Keep your dignity, block him so you're not tempted to look and torture yourself.
Chin up, tits out and keep on trucking, there's someone else out there for you 💐

Arianrhod01 · 15/04/2021 10:34

Sorry OP, I do empathise but I think you're just going to have to put this down to experience and move on with the knowledge that unfortunately some men (boys) do this to women who are perhaps insecure and craving a stable partner. However, what you do need to understand is that you had one date and technically he owed you nothing and by the sounds of things you got too invested into the idea of the relationship before date one even happened. Anything that you do and say will only give him ammunition to call you crazy/a stalker which you're totally not but on paper he has the upper hand as you only did have one date. It sounds like he was love-bombing you and by the sounds of things, he was doing this to the next girl who he was tagging in statuses. Next time you go on a first date, see the excessive attention and promises made early on as a red flag, real relationships take time. I hope you feel better soon!

Ifonly86 · 15/04/2021 10:35

This happened to me, eventually worked out he was married and she found out about me so he blocked me on everything. I’m still upset by it, but I had a lucky escape and so did you. It’s his loss. Chin up Flowers

ClarkeGriffin · 15/04/2021 10:49


He told his friends and mum about me so I assumed he liked me.

He told you he did, he didn't necessarily actually mention you to them.

Yeah he never told anyone about you. Any guy who says that so fast is likely lying, especially after only one date.

He's a twat, you're better off. Good luck to the current one, she'll be exchanged for another girl he deems prettier eventually.
CauliflowerBalti · 15/04/2021 10:51

I got stuck in a loop with a man like for... 4 years. I promise you - it's him, not you. He'd lovebomb, retreat, say he was in no place for a relationship, still be all over dating apps, I'd resolutely move on.

Then he'd get back in touch, just low key friendly. Then he'd lovebomb, retreat, tell me he needed to sort himself out before he could hope to love someone else - appear all over dating apps...

It ended when we went away for my birthday and he was late because he'd stayed with another woman the night before, and spent the whole weekend texting her. He'd been all over his phone all weekend, but said it was a work thing, he was managing some lads on site. Cool. We were sat in a cafe on the Sunday and his phone was between us on the table, next to the menu. He went to the loo and messages from her started flashing up. The previews. I didn't even need to snoop.

That was cathartic.


It's not you, it's him. And if I'm being charitable, the bloke I got stuck on had super low self-esteem and was desperately lonely, and I genuinely do think he felt he was in no place for a relationship, but craved that adulation of the early days, and the company, and the support from someone... And then freaked out and ran. Repeat. Over and over again.

I did some crazy things too, over the course of the years. Stupid messages and emails. All water under the bridge. Onwards...

GoWalkabout · 15/04/2021 10:57

He might not have anyone else but I bet he didn't like you saying no to coffee, then rejected you before you could reject him. Be careful OP, you have just shown him you are vulnerable and if he's abusive he Will contact you again to use you.

dottiedodah · 15/04/2021 10:59

You are not "foolish" just a decent lady who got reeled in by a player! He sounds an arse to be candid .Letting you pay 20 quid ! Surely a decent chap would offer to pay on a first date.Sometimes Tinder can work. Sometimes its like a sweetie shop for immature men ,who think they are having "fun" by chatting away to a nice girl then having their head turned by big boobed Bimbos .Maybe have a few weeks break from OLD for a few weeks .Go out with your Chums for drinks /some supper and maybe meet someone while out and about .My friends friend met a guy in Costa!When /if you do return online just be chatty to a few chaps and dont give away too much at first .You sound like a genuine person ,just happened to meet a Dickhead thats all!

Candyfloss99 · 15/04/2021 11:14


He was even talking about future Xmas presents.

You talk about that as if it’s a positive thing, but it’s not, it’s really weird for someone to do that after meeting online and only seeing each other once. If it was me I’d be quite put off thinking he was a bit odd and I’d definitely back off, put some space between us and be wary of how I moved forward.

Yep this was a big red flag waving brightly in the Christmas snow.
walkigonsuncc · 15/04/2021 11:22

I know I've been very silly.
I took the texts /calls /plans as him liking me and thinking it colour develop into something good.
I didn't react well,and probably acted a bit crazy but it was like he built me up and then just said ok bye out of the blue.
I was really excited for our date but I knew he was backing away and I knew the reason why.
Nobody likes feeling like someone has found something better.
I couldn't understand how he had THAT much interest to then having none.

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 15/04/2021 11:27

I couldn't understand how he had THAT much interest to then having none.

As the nice, decent person you are, you are trying to rationalise a situation that cannot be made sense of. Hell, the bloke himself wouldn't be able to explain why he did it! So just be proud that you're the type of person who doesn't understand how his mind works!

Pupster21 · 15/04/2021 11:29

The whole thing sounds weird. I know you spoke a lot but surely you can see it’s utterly bizarre for someone to set an alarm at 4am to wake up and text someone before work. That’s not a sign he really likes you, it’s weird. Talking about Christmas after one physical date is weird. You had a lucky escape.

MorningNinja · 15/04/2021 11:34

You dodged a bullet there OP.

You say you loved his attention...perhaps you need to take a step back from this. To be messaging this much is taking far too much out of your time. Do you think you're ready to date?

Also, topless insta pics? I would have had to stop with the correspondence right then and there.

ED81 · 15/04/2021 11:35

Sending you much sympathy. This isn’t your fault. FlowersBrewCake
This is so very common in the date site era. Like I say, I’ve been there and it bloody hurts. It’ grim that people think it’s ok to mess with thoughts and feelings of others in this way.

AnnaFiveTowns · 15/04/2021 11:39

You've dodged a bullet

dontgobaconmyheart · 15/04/2021 11:44

It's a life lesson OP. You'll drive yourself mad if you keep painting it as though he was thoroughly invested and then wasn't, rather than clocking the red flags and realising he was over promising with no real intention to get you to like him because that makes HIM feel good.

He SAID things, most of which were never followed up on and probably he never intended to follow up on them. Focus on what he did, not what he said he would do. What he did is turn up for one date and love bomb at the beginning because it's a tried and tested way to get what he wants out of women and get an ego boost.

He really wasn't ever a likely bet. I'd try and remove meaning from it and read up on toxic behaviours and love bombing. Obviously it is painful to experience, you did nothing wrong, but there is no point going over it grieving for something you 'could have had' when you were actually never going to have because he's a smooth talking prick with emotional problems. There are plenty of them and believing what someone says isn't a poor reflection on you, only on them.

EmmetEmma · 15/04/2021 11:57

I think it’s great actually that you called him out with the follow up text - not because it will make him change his behaviour, but maybe he will have felt uncomfortable for a split second. Either way I hope it maybe made you feel better?

This isn’t your fault - it is frustrating and confusing, and so normal to feel frustrated and confused. I don’t think you should have known better - the multiple ways in which people can be cunts is an endless source of wonder.

You get used to hearing from them and thinking about them and then feel sad when that’s gone. But the guy you thought you liked doesn’t exist. You are better than him and will meet someone good. You won’t still feel like this in a few weeks, so chin up and carry on.

walkigonsuncc · 15/04/2021 12:31

Yeah I think that's what it is.
You get used to the texts,the phone calls
The excitement of where it might lead
Also the thought he was out there "liking " me
Obviously that sharp stopped when someone else popped up.

OP posts:
CirqueDeMorgue · 15/04/2021 12:35

As pp say, you've dodged a bullet. Flowers

britnay · 15/04/2021 12:45

tinder is really more of a hookup site than people looking for long term relationships. There are other more suitable online dating sites :)

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