He has met someone else hasn't he?

[walkigonsuncc]

2 months ago (after a awful relationship) I started speaking to a man on tinder.
We exchanged numbers and straight away started speaking a lot.
Before work,during work after work etc.
He added me to Instagram and sometimes we would be chatting at the same time on both.

We had our first date 3 weeks ago after a month of chatting.
It went really well and we never stopped talking and laughing.

Straight after the date he rang me and he we spoke on the phone for a hour and he asked me out Again.
We arranged this Friday,so I booked the table and paid £20 deposit (outdoor drinks ,put they need deposits to secure table )
He was excited and talked about what drinks he fancied.
He was tagging me in posts about the place etc.

He would ring me most days after work for a hour,sometimes twice in one night.
He spoke about how his nephews were going to love me,told me he wanted to come with me whilst I pick a car (as I'm too nice and they will try and rip me off )
He is offered to pick me up from work as my car broke down.
Set an alarm every morning at 4am to text me good morning before my job started.

Last Thursday he text and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee (I said no as I was so busy that day)
He said no problem and was excited for Friday.
I was also so excited.
I thought at last I had met a nice guy.

Then Saturday I felt a change.
He wasn't chatting,no texts,no phone calls.
I tried texting but he would read and not reply for a few hours (I could just tell )
Sunday I spoke about our next date and how we would freeze in the beer garden..he replied ha.
He also was posting topless pics on his insta story (as though he was trying to impress someone )
Then he tagged a girl in his story of a song.

Monday he text "hi sorry I'm not ready to date after my ex broke my heart ,hopefully you understand,can you please delete my number"
I was shocked and text asking what I had done.
He said "it's me not you"
Then I said "you've done a 360 overnight"
He said he hadn't and had been thinking about it for a few days.
Then he blocked me on everything just like that gone.

My gut instinct told me check tinder ..there he was,with new pics (pics he sent me two weeks earlier )
Later in the day his profile was gone.

So my gut says,he started talking to someone new who he obviously preferred..I'm assuming the girl he tagged.
She was tanned,huge boobs,posing on a bed with legs spread etc (so clearly caught his eye )
How intense with me (over 2000 texts in two months ) will be what she's getting.

I'm upset (I know it was only 1 date) but everything was so intense.
Now he's gone just like that.

Aibu to think that's what's happened ?

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

He definitely did like you. A lot. He’s just a player. And you are a nice decent woman who didn’t see through him. It’s very upsetting.

You have a nice outfit put by for your next social event. Things will start to open up soon and you’ll get out more. The hurt will fade. It’s easier said than done I know, but try not to dwell on this for too much longer. As so many others have said you really are better off without him.

[LoveIsAllThereIs]

I think you did the right thing in messaging him. Of course h would have already k own you were upset, but at least you proved to him you're not stupid enough to believe his 'not ready to date' shit. I really don't understand why men do this, but I did read once that a man's objective is first to make you fall in love with him, and once he's achieved that he works out if he wants to fall in love with you. Kind of makes sense of a lot of mens actions

Onwards and upwards OP, plenty more out there. He's proved he wasn't that special afterall

[Fluffbutt]

I just wanted to let you know this happened to me once OP. Just as intense but in an even shorter timeframe! (About a month, start to finish) I felt so naive and stupid and that I must have done something really wrong to put him off. I cringe thinking of it now even though it was about 15 years ago.

What made it worse was that I had to see him sporadically afterwards through work. It was excruciating. Can you take comfort from the fact you never have to see him again?

I hope you can move on from it quickly once the shock wears off.

[icdtap]

He spoke about how his nephews were going to love me,told me he wanted to come with me whilst I pick a car (as I'm too nice and they will try and rip me off )

What's all this about? Did you say that you are too nice and they'd rip you off or did he volunteer to come with you because he said you were too nice and they'd rip you off?
That would be alarm bells for me I'm afraid as my ex tried to stop be a) buying a car at all and b) tried to prevent me from going alone to choose one because "they rip off women".
I went on my own and bought a car, did not get ripped off and the car was a good buy as it turned out.

I know this wasn't the main topic of the thread, but trust your own judgement buying a car. Research them online first. Go armed with information about possible cars you might like to buy - look at the websites of the dealers. Get trusted friends or family members to cast an eye over your shortlist.
You can buy a car without having a prize prick along shoving his oar in.

He's not a nice person and you're better off without him.

[sammylady37]

Op if you’re going to go on tinder or any OLD site, you really need to wise up, I’m afraid. There were multiple red flags here and instead of seeing them for what they are you’re actually taking them as signs he was really into you.

That level of intensity so early on is not right. It never is. It’s fake. Think about it- you didn’t even know this man existed one day yet within days he’s texting you ‘before work, during work, after work’, hour long phonecalls multiple times a day, the 4am crap, talking about Christmas presents when you’ve met once, in April, talking about introducing you to family, saying he’d told his mum about you (he hadn’t, btw) - it’s all classic love-bombing and insincere and not worth a damn. You should have been running a mile from this, not wondering what you’ve done wrong.

And btw, never, ever tell a new man that you’ve been hurt/cheated on/had a bad relationship before. That gives an unscrupulous man ammunition and knowledge that you really don’t want him to have.

[Ivy48]

Take it as a learning curved, same happened to me on tinder, unfortunately for me our relationship had already progressed to the bedroom. 3 months into it he completely did a 360, I later found out he had another women, didn’t want me to be at his after 3pm...because that’s when she would come over after the school run. I met my DP 2 months later on tinder too. Don’t dwell, you’ve had a lucky escape and jump back into dating! Don’t be discouraged

[Lesssaideasymended]

He will prob do same to next girl too. I'm sorry you've been hurt xx

[walkigonsuncc]

@icdtap he said I was too nice and they would take advantage.
Think he was trying to be the knight in shining armour

[walkigonsuncc]

Another red flag I think I missed was he said he had been single 3 years.
I had a nosey on his Facebook and pics were on of another girl (after the split with his fiancé )
He must have remembered they were on as when I checked the next day he removed them.

So first sign he told lies right there.

[icdtap]

He probably moved on to someone he could get a shag out of quicker.
Probably uses the same love-bombing style techniques with everyone and once it appears that it's taking too long to get into bed with one particular person they'll get ditched with some random excuse and he'll concentrate his attentions on someone else where things seem likely to move faster.

[icdtap]

[quote walkigonsuncc]@icdtap he said I was too nice and they would take advantage.
Think he was trying to be the knight in shining armour [/quote]
Thought as much.
Red flag red flag red flag.....
They do this so that you have to feel dependent on them - they put the thought into your head that you might get ripped off buying a car (when it probably never even crossed your mind beforehand), you start to doubt yourself a bit and then they have to rescue you.
When the car thing works, they use the technique on something else until you feel less and less able to do things yourself.

Lucky escape!

[Allwokedup]

It was one date!? You weren’t going out. This is just an unfortunate incident. It sounds like he’s not very nice, just move on.

[walkigonsuncc]

@Allwokedup I know it was just one date but he led me on for two months making me think it was heading for something more.
Then dropping me like a hot potato almost overnight when something else popped up.
So obviously I feel a bit hurt and misled
The fact he did this 4 days before a date that he asked me on and constantly told me how he couldn't wait for it.

[denverRegina]

You've got to start seeing this "dating" business for what it is, especially if you're going on tinder of all places!

Do you understand what people are saying when they're telling you it's a hobby for some men? They're just getting off on the attention and ego stroking.

[Gemma2019]

Sorry OP, it must be upsetting to find out that he wasn't all he seemed.. His only saving grace is that he had the balls to tell you it was over rather than just ghosting you. Call the bar and get the money back on the table and maybe cancel your day off so you can use it for something better in the future and won't spend the day dwelling on this.

You must block him on everything and delete his number in case he contacts you in the future and catches you at a weak moment.

[FireflyRainbow]

Yea he has moved on. Don't act like a crazy stalker OP it's weird. Leave with dignity.

[Liverbird77]

That's so shit. Really sorry you've been let down.
On the positive side though, as others have said, you have had a really lucky escape. Better he did this now than six, 12, 18 months down the line.
Please never speak to him again if he does come slithering back!

[Laiste]

[quote walkigonsuncc]@Allwokedup I know it was just one date but he led me on for two months making me think it was heading for something more.
Then dropping me like a hot potato almost overnight when something else popped up.
So obviously I feel a bit hurt and misled
The fact he did this 4 days before a date that he asked me on and constantly told me how he couldn't wait for it.[/quote]
It's totally understandable that you are upset. However ...

I'm interested in the fact that your posts are all about how you are upset because ''his behaviour led you to believe'' x y z. Stop it now

Dating isn't a legal contract. I'm saying this kindly. He can say and do what he likes. He is allowed to say one thing on Saturday (for eg) and then do a turn around on Sunday. He is 'allowed' to lie. People do lie and bullshit.

People online can lie a lot very easily. Like phone scammers though - they wont get anywhere if you're is wise to it.

My point is this:
It's no good gathering up loads of people round you to call him names. Nothing is going to change what happened - but you can learn by looking at you. Recognise what your part was in getting hurt. Decide what you are NOT going to fall for next time. Decide how you will go forward next time. Emotional boundaries. Stick to them! :)

[walkigonsuncc]

No I'm deffo not gonna message him again.
The only reason I messaged about his tinder profile was so he knew I knew.

After he responded I didn't reply and have zero intention of ever messaging him again.
I didn't actually have "feelings" for him,I just liked him and liked the prospect of seeing where things went.

[Iflyaway]

The fact he did this 4 days before a date that he asked me on and constantly told me how he couldn't wait for it.

Next time this happens OP, don't offer to pay any money upfront. Then you will see if he is serious or not.

Sorry this has happened to you. But you've gotten some great support on here. Please take comfort from that.

[sammylady37]

@walkigonsuncc

No I'm deffo not gonna message him again.
The only reason I messaged about his tinder profile was so he knew I knew.

After he responded I didn't reply and have zero intention of ever messaging him again.
I didn't actually have "feelings" for him,I just liked him and liked the prospect of seeing where things went.

You need more than ‘zero intention of ever messaging him again’- you need to block him so he can’t come crawling back in a few weeks/months.

[ChiaraRimini]

Hi OP
it's really common, it's happened to me too, and I've seen so many women posting here about the same. I've stopped online dating now, mostly due to covid, and I don't think I'll bother again. I'm just fed up of being let down. These men seem to have the attention span of goldfish, the minute they get an inkling that someone new is interested in them they bugger off

[MazekeenSmith]

@britnay

tinder is really more of a hookup site than people looking for long term relationships. There are other more suitable online dating sites :)

This isn't true though
It's no better or worse than any other site for finding decent men.

[CherryBlossomPink]

I’m currently using online dating and have a few alarm bells ringing in the guy I’m messaging as he seems quite full on with the messages, but I’m enjoying the attention, keeping my feet on the ground and to be fair to the guy I’ve not caught him in a lie as yet and he’s keeping the flirting well within boundaries, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt! If he’s genuine he’s definitely a keeper - if not then I’ll enjoy the fun while it lasts!

[Allwokedup]

Why did you only meet up once in two months? That’s a very slow burner?