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He has met someone else hasn't he?

301 replies

walkigonsuncc · 15/04/2021 08:04

2 months ago (after a awful relationship) I started speaking to a man on tinder.
We exchanged numbers and straight away started speaking a lot.
Before work,during work after work etc.
He added me to Instagram and sometimes we would be chatting at the same time on both.

We had our first date 3 weeks ago after a month of chatting.
It went really well and we never stopped talking and laughing.

Straight after the date he rang me and he we spoke on the phone for a hour and he asked me out Again.
We arranged this Friday,so I booked the table and paid £20 deposit (outdoor drinks ,put they need deposits to secure table )
He was excited and talked about what drinks he fancied.
He was tagging me in posts about the place etc.

He would ring me most days after work for a hour,sometimes twice in one night.
He spoke about how his nephews were going to love me,told me he wanted to come with me whilst I pick a car (as I'm too nice and they will try and rip me off )
He is offered to pick me up from work as my car broke down.
Set an alarm every morning at 4am to text me good morning before my job started.

Last Thursday he text and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee (I said no as I was so busy that day)
He said no problem and was excited for Friday.
I was also so excited.
I thought at last I had met a nice guy.

Then Saturday I felt a change.
He wasn't chatting,no texts,no phone calls.
I tried texting but he would read and not reply for a few hours (I could just tell )
Sunday I spoke about our next date and how we would freeze in the beer garden..he replied ha.
He also was posting topless pics on his insta story (as though he was trying to impress someone )
Then he tagged a girl in his story of a song.

Monday he text "hi sorry I'm not ready to date after my ex broke my heart ,hopefully you understand,can you please delete my number"
I was shocked and text asking what I had done.
He said "it's me not you"
Then I said "you've done a 360 overnight"
He said he hadn't and had been thinking about it for a few days.
Then he blocked me on everything just like that gone.

My gut instinct told me check tinder ..there he was,with new pics (pics he sent me two weeks earlier )
Later in the day his profile was gone.

So my gut says,he started talking to someone new who he obviously preferred..I'm assuming the girl he tagged.
She was tanned,huge boobs,posing on a bed with legs spread etc (so clearly caught his eye )
How intense with me (over 2000 texts in two months ) will be what she's getting.

I'm upset (I know it was only 1 date) but everything was so intense.
Now he's gone just like that.

Aibu to think that's what's happened ?

OP posts:
Franklyfrost · 15/04/2021 09:26

I’d be terrified if someone I’d barely met started waking up at 4am to message me everyday. You missed a truck full of red flags, think of this as a lucky escape and try to get a little more happy in yourself so you depend less on attention from others.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 15/04/2021 09:27

What a special type of bastard his is to set his alarm for 4am knowing he's not genuine.Youre well rid.

Roszie · 15/04/2021 09:32

He's not going to be honest and say he's met someone he prefers, as hell think that's too brutal.

Topless tinder photos are 😂😂😂.

Onwards and upwards Thanks

UniversitySerf · 15/04/2021 09:33

The intensity was odd, I’m not single but any intensity when I was dating made me massively uncomfortable and I ended it.

Its the candy shop mentality. Dating sites to me seem like big boxes of chocolates. For me coffee and fruit centres, remain untouched, I like the caramels and truffles but what I’m looking for is the hazelnut whirl.

I wonder if any women approach dating like this? Because over the years this pattern has been described on MN hundreds of times by women upset at male behaviour on dating sites.

user64325 · 15/04/2021 09:35

I wonder if he is so derranged he didn't like you saying no to the coffee and perceived it as rejection. It wouldn't surprise me if he comes grovelling back. Please don't fall for it again if he does!

fromdownwest · 15/04/2021 09:36

I stopped reading at topless Instagram pictures.

Clearly a little narcissist, good job you left the train here and not later down the line!

Fcuk38 · 15/04/2021 09:37

Honestly you’ve met him once, you were too invested. It’s online dating that’s the problem should you have met a more traditional way there’s no way you would have been so attached/ upset.

TedMullins · 15/04/2021 09:38

OP I am another one who learned about love bombing the hard way. Please listen to what everyone is saying and - I cannot stress this enough - DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF OR TAKE IT AS A REFLECTION ON YOU/YOUR WORTH.

Men who behave that intensely are very seldom for real. The truth is, for whatever reason, they can’t form healthy and genuine attachments. This could be childhood trauma, self esteem issues, not being over an ex... the reason doesn’t actually matter, the point is, the connection you thought you were forming with him wasn’t real.

What these people do is create an overblown facsimile of attachment, but below all the grand gestures and declarations of “my nephews will love you”, there is nothing. Again, this is not your fault, and you’re not a fool - most people would take it in good faith that it meant the person liked them.

Then, when it becomes apparent that you’re becoming attached and actually want to deepen the connection, they freak out and bolt. This is entirely their issue and something they’re unlikely to overcome without therapy. You are not silly for thinking it was real - very occasionally, you will hear a love story about an instant connection that turned into a happy relationship, but this is not usually how it happens. Be wary, take your time and think about what’s right for YOU if/when you date again, take things at your pace and put your needs and boundaries first. It’s easier said than done, but once you know the warning signs it’s easier to weed out the weirdos.

littlepattilou · 15/04/2021 09:41


Honestly you’ve met him once, you were too invested. It’s online dating that’s the problem should you have met a more traditional way there’s no way you would have been so attached/ upset.

This. ^ He sounds like a vile sleazebag, but the most men on internet dating site ARE.

But @walkigonsuncc you became waaaaay to over invested in this man, seriously, one date, and he is living in your head, rent-free, 24/7.

I don't mean to be mean, but get a grip, seriously. Most men are awful on OLD, but even the (few) decent ones will run a mile from someone so intense.

Next time, be cool. Any man will run a mile from a woman so needy and desperate.
littlepattilou · 15/04/2021 09:43

@walkigonsuncc Sorry I just read that back, and that was a bit harsh! Shock

I just don't want you or any other women, looking for love, to keep being burnt by the sleazy twats on online dating. Just be more cautious and calm and cool, and take it slowly, and don't get invested in ANY man on there. Not for a good few months, when you are more sure about him.

Candyfloss99 · 15/04/2021 09:45

The red flags were there all along, you chose to ignore them.

ED81 · 15/04/2021 09:46

It really is shitty and you can be upset if your like. It’s all valid. He messed with your thoughts, feelings and future desires so that’
is sad.

I personally don’t get it either. I’ve seen it happen with me with guys on internet dating. I’ve made an arse of myself with many! Ha.

I’m now very happily marrried to a wonderful man (not from the internet).

Just take it easy. Acknowledge he wasn’t for you and will never get his reasons with what he did. Flowers

lorca · 15/04/2021 09:49

I was shocked and text asking what I had done. - FFS why would you do this? WHY assume that you've 'done something'?

You were just being 'you', and if he doesn't like that, that's his problem.

I once dated someone who told me that he 'liked 50's dresses on a woman', and he even went so far as to phone me from a shop to ask what shoe size I was, as he'd found some 'brothel creepers' for me!
Me and my jeans-and-boots moved right along.

Don't ever apologise for being you. He might like it, he night not, but don't change for his requirements. he might want a person who has sex on the first (and only, therefore) date - if this is not you, move along. He might want big boobs and a tanned body - again, don't do this to please anyone else if it's not you.

Move on, and you'll then be free to find someone who loves the same things you do. Like no- you are now free to find someone better - this man is a jerk.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 15/04/2021 09:52

I would have taken his offer of coming with you to buy a car because you're too stupid 'nice' and they (men, I presume) will rip you off, as an insult, not a compliment.

It's really awful behaviour. It's the worst thing about online dating and the availability of new profiles literally at your fingertips... it makes it so much easier for people usually men to treat other people as disposable.

KarmaStar · 15/04/2021 09:53

Yanbu but please realise you've had a lucky escape from a nasty piece of work.
Tread carefully and listen to your instincts in your future search op and hopefully you will find a recent man who treats you properly.good luck🌷

Regularsizedrudy · 15/04/2021 09:53

Yes he’s a dick but I also think you need to wise up a little bit. There were red flags all over the place - love bombing, future faking, the amount he was contacting you is NOT healthy. You need to be looking out for these things. You should have just walked away as soon as he asked, continuing to message him is not cool, he doesn’t owe you an explanation.

MabelPines · 15/04/2021 09:55

Dating sites to me seem like big boxes of chocolates. For me coffee and fruit centres, remain untouched, I like the caramels and truffles but what I’m looking for is the hazelnut whirl

I wonder if any women approach dating like this? Because over the years this pattern has been described on MN hundreds of times by women upset at male behaviour on dating sites

I’m a woman and this was how I approached ‘dating’ way back when - in the noughties just before Internet dating was really a thing and getting chatted up in coffee shops and bars was the thing (which was much nicer by the way I can’t imagine being approached online it seems so clinical!) and I used to go out for lunch/drinks etc and i had a lot of fun and met some lovely guys and to be honest I did use the line “I’m not ready for anything serious” many a time to spare feelings - I would never have said “sorry I like someone else more” it seems a bit mean ?

Then I met my DH in a pub one night and that was like getting struck by lighting but that’s a different story !

MabelPines · 15/04/2021 09:58

Sorry just realised that was a complete derail!

OP my advice to you is don’t feel badly about it, too much too soon is a red flag so I think he wouldn’t have been a good partner anyway.

Have a bit of time away from dating and enjoy doing things for you.

CroutonsAvatar · 15/04/2021 09:59

Sorry OP, this happens to my single best mates pretty much every time they meet someone on tinder. I don’t get it. It’s such a waste of everyone’s time and emotion. Such a shame online dating is pretty much the standard way to meet someone now. It doesn’t seem to actually make life easier. Maybe for blokes...

slashlover · 15/04/2021 10:04

Why is everyone slagging off the Insta woman? She did nothing wrong and is entitled to post on her own SM as she wants. The guy is pathetic though.

Trixie78 · 15/04/2021 10:04

What a dick, you've had a lucky escape. Is there someone else you can go out with? Go out and enjoy yourself and don't give him another thought, don't let the £20 and your excitement at a night out go xxx

stealthninjamum · 15/04/2021 10:04

Op you are worth something with or without the attentions of a man. I understand how easy it is to get overinvested in someone - this happened to me when I was online dating. I got dumped after a month of constant messaging and it was obviously for another woman. But these men just don’t want to be alone, they’re the ones with low self esteem who have to make a load of promises to hook a woman. A year after that guy dumped me he started texting again, things hadn’t worked out with his new woman and I took great delight in saying I was in a relationship.

My advice is to join the dating threads on the relationship board for amazing support.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 15/04/2021 10:13

I wouldn’t be surprised if Insta woman is a catfish and currently sending him OTT declarations of love etc. He’ll probably come crawling back in a few weeks, so make sure you block him on everything.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/04/2021 10:13

I wish they would teach about lovebombing in schools!

I so agree. Not only the lovebombing, but what invariably comes after it. It's part of a cycle. It's a recognised pattern these days and online information about it is readily available. But in short, few people stay in a relationship with a partner who is abusive all the time. They're so charming (some of the time) and it's the charming side of the personality the besotted partner wants to keep a relationship with. In reality they lovebomb you to secure your interest, then to maintain your interest if it seems to be waning, or to keep you hoping that the Dr Jekyll side of their personality will win out and you can maintain a relationship with that person instead of Mr Hyde. Of course that never happens.

Someone this keen at this early stage is already displaying these traits and in OP's position I'd be relieved nothing did progress. Things might very well have ended up in the sort of pattern described above.

You are better off rid!

Whattodotho · 15/04/2021 10:13

I had this from a guy then few months later he tried to see me at my work on night out like nothing had happened. Some guys just see it as a game and will drop you second they think they've caught something better. They never really settle just keep switching and enjoy the excitement and thrill with dating and sleeping around

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