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AIBU?

He has met someone else hasn't he?

301 replies

walkigonsuncc · 15/04/2021 08:04

2 months ago (after a awful relationship) I started speaking to a man on tinder.
We exchanged numbers and straight away started speaking a lot.
Before work,during work after work etc.
He added me to Instagram and sometimes we would be chatting at the same time on both.

We had our first date 3 weeks ago after a month of chatting.
It went really well and we never stopped talking and laughing.

Straight after the date he rang me and he we spoke on the phone for a hour and he asked me out Again.
We arranged this Friday,so I booked the table and paid £20 deposit (outdoor drinks ,put they need deposits to secure table )
He was excited and talked about what drinks he fancied.
He was tagging me in posts about the place etc.

He would ring me most days after work for a hour,sometimes twice in one night.
He spoke about how his nephews were going to love me,told me he wanted to come with me whilst I pick a car (as I'm too nice and they will try and rip me off )
He is offered to pick me up from work as my car broke down.
Set an alarm every morning at 4am to text me good morning before my job started.

Last Thursday he text and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee (I said no as I was so busy that day)
He said no problem and was excited for Friday.
I was also so excited.
I thought at last I had met a nice guy.

Then Saturday I felt a change.
He wasn't chatting,no texts,no phone calls.
I tried texting but he would read and not reply for a few hours (I could just tell )
Sunday I spoke about our next date and how we would freeze in the beer garden..he replied ha.
He also was posting topless pics on his insta story (as though he was trying to impress someone )
Then he tagged a girl in his story of a song.

Monday he text "hi sorry I'm not ready to date after my ex broke my heart ,hopefully you understand,can you please delete my number"
I was shocked and text asking what I had done.
He said "it's me not you"
Then I said "you've done a 360 overnight"
He said he hadn't and had been thinking about it for a few days.
Then he blocked me on everything just like that gone.

My gut instinct told me check tinder ..there he was,with new pics (pics he sent me two weeks earlier )
Later in the day his profile was gone.

So my gut says,he started talking to someone new who he obviously preferred..I'm assuming the girl he tagged.
She was tanned,huge boobs,posing on a bed with legs spread etc (so clearly caught his eye )
How intense with me (over 2000 texts in two months ) will be what she's getting.

I'm upset (I know it was only 1 date) but everything was so intense.
Now he's gone just like that.

Aibu to think that's what's happened ?

OP posts:
HairyPits · 15/04/2021 08:52

Just let it go. The chances are, he never booked any time off work for the date. He just wanted to see if you would.

You question the time you spent talking - this is a hobby for him, so he’s happy to invest the time. It’s his leisure activity.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 15/04/2021 08:53

Ouch I know how you feel. I got love bombed for a month, he was talking about children and how he told his mum about me and she was so excited to meet me blah blah. Then overnight he switched and basically ghosted me. I was heart broken. But a valuable lesson learnt. You've dodged a bullet there honestly. He sounds like a knob.

Gutted2day · 15/04/2021 08:53

Flowers These people are arses! I know this isn't much consolation and not particularly helpful at the mo but thank goodness it ended here and not months/years down the line with much more invested. People can be awful and it can make you feel really vulnerable. Be good to yourself, you deserve better x

tuttifuckinfruity · 15/04/2021 08:57

Re-read your post. Everything is about how into you he was. There's not really any mention about how YOU felt about him.
I think you've only been hit this hard because he totally love bombed you and enjoyed the attention.
I know it's a shit feeling right now but I reckon you've had a lucky escape.
He's not a catch. Dust yourself off and find someone better.
Thanks

denverRegina · 15/04/2021 08:57

Yeah it's shit, he's a dick for not sending the £20. Have you checked with the bar? I'm sure they'll move or refund the deposit.

He's a prick who puts topless pics on Instagram ffs, avoid these men 😂.

But no, he gave you his explanation as to why he didn't want to date again. He didn't blame you, didn't try to make you feel bad, explained this is all on him.

He hasn't betrayed you, cheated on you, wasn't in a relationship with you, owed you nothing.

Forget him and move on. Bar the £20 which he probably assumes you'll get back (you will if you ask for it now) he's done nothing wrong here. You've had a lucky escape, a catch he is not!

abigailsnan · 15/04/2021 08:57

Just let it go OPs texting him about his profile not the way to go and comes across as desperate to some extent.
Don't give to much of yourself when you meet someone else take it slowly.

AramintaLee · 15/04/2021 08:58

I'm actually impressed that you text him with screenshots. He love bombed you and told you lies saying he wasn't looking to date. Good on you for calling him out!

Had he just been like "I'm really sorry but I've met someone else and although I like you, I think I have more of a connection with the other person" then sure you would have been upset but at least he would have been honest and not left you confused.

Obviously don't message again. You've made your parting shot so delete his number and be glad that you dodged a bullet.

Plumtree391 · 15/04/2021 09:01

You've had a lucky escape, op.

denverRegina · 15/04/2021 09:01

"told you lies saying he wasn't looking to date. Good on you for calling him out!"

Sorry but do you know what tinder is? He might not be looking to date. The OP was wanting a relationship, maybe he's realised he's simply wanting sex.

I mean, this woman is apparently spread eagled with her tits out on insta. It's quite possibly just sex she wants too.

Amdone123 · 15/04/2021 09:04

I would still use the table. I would wrap up warm, take a good book, order a glass of champagne, some delicious nibbles and celebrate!
You dodged a bullet ; he's not very nice ( although, to an extent I do agree with a pp that he didn't owe you anything. Just learn from it, then it's not a mistake).

Lalliella · 15/04/2021 09:04

Sounds like he’s not really interested in dating, just interested in shagging. He found someone who’ll give him what he wants without having to put the effort in. Sorry OP. But I think you’ve dodged a bullet. Block him now and move on.

walkigonsuncc · 15/04/2021 09:06

I know he didn't "owe" me anything but after how intense he was and talking of future.
I thought the "not ready to date" was bull.
I would have preferred "I like someone more"
"I've met someone I fancy "
Then obviously seeing his tinder pissed me off.

At first I wasn't sure how I felt then I started to like him.
I loved all his attention,it made me feel special and worth something again.

OP posts:
Isaidnope · 15/04/2021 09:09

Online dating is difficult and tinder is probably the hardest because the vast majority on there are not interested in LTR or anything even remotely substantial. I do know people who met their OH’s on there so it happens but I think most people just use it for hook ups.

Try not to put your eggs in one basket in future, don’t pin your hopes on one person and keep your options open.

Crunchymum · 15/04/2021 09:10

Can you not cancel the table? Most places I've looked at have a 24h cancellation policy. Technically if you cancel now you make the deadline.

No other advice as its been covered, but at least you may not lose your £20 too!

Bluedeblue · 15/04/2021 09:11

Bar the £20 which he probably assumes you'll get back (you will if you ask for it now) he's done nothing wrong here

That's setting the bar very low. He's messed Op around big time.

Quite frankly he sounds deranged, and I do think you've had a lucky escape. It still feels shit though. He sold you a lie. I bet he's a really nasty dickhead when you scratch the surface.

oakleaffy · 15/04/2021 09:12

@walkigonsuncc

I was love bombed by someone ...It went from 0-60 very fast..

I now see this as a definite warning sign.

Sounds like he likes the chase. You dodged a bullet there. He sounds like a wanker.

Bloody annoying about the £20 though.

So many men about like this. H.G.Tudor warns about these on his ''Narcissist'' site on you tube.

LunaTheCat · 15/04/2021 09:15

So sorry OP.
Wear your new dress, take a friend and go to the pub.
You have had a lucky escape - doesn’t make it less hurtful though.
💐

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 15/04/2021 09:19

I’ve been there, done that and got the t-shirt in the past. I fully agree with others that he was too intense - the 4am alarm thing was a red flag alone, never mind all the other stuff.

From experience, I guarantee that he will be in contact again in the future - please make sure you keep him blocked on all media! About 8 years ago I had a thread on here about my heartbreak after a similar experience. I had sleepless nights at the time, wondering what I did wrong. Like you, we had spent hours chatting and texting, talking about the future etc. To this day I still receive a text from him once or twice a year, which I ignore Grin

denverRegina · 15/04/2021 09:19

"I loved all his attention,it made me feel special and worth something again."

That's understandable, it's ok to be upset. Probably date somewhere other than tinder though. It's full of dickheads.

"That's setting the bar very low. He's messed Op around big time."

Actually no. My bar is much higher, as should OPs be. He's putting topless pics and song lyrics on Instagram. He's telling her she's too nice to buy her own car without him there Hmm.

He's a dick, but he's had one date with her. One date, just one. He then ended it with her quite firmly, didn't leave her dangling at all, didn't blame her.

Hardly "messed her around big time". Big time? She's got to ring the bar for her deposit back and that's it. Onwards and upwards (a lot further upwards).

"Big time" Hmm give over.

notagainmummy · 15/04/2021 09:19

Someone like that (Uber shallow) is not worth having Lucky escape

KitBumbleB · 15/04/2021 09:19

Well done for calling him out OP

Too often women are told to be dignified which actually means shut up and put up. He treated you like shit and deserves to be called out for it and held accountable.

I had something similar although we had only been talking for about a week or two, we had virtual drinks dates and then we due to meet for a walk, I booked the train etc. An hour before we were due to meet, he cancelled because it was cold.

As a PP said, it's a hobby for them

MazekeenSmith · 15/04/2021 09:20

At first I wasn't sure how I felt then I started to like him.
I loved all his attention,it made me feel special and worth something again.


You liked his attention, not him. We've probably all been there but you must be more on your guard. Attention is easily faked.

ferretface · 15/04/2021 09:21

@walkigonsuncc

I know he didn't "owe" me anything but after how intense he was and talking of future.
I thought the "not ready to date" was bull.
I would have preferred "I like someone more"
"I've met someone I fancy "
Then obviously seeing his tinder pissed me off.

At first I wasn't sure how I felt then I started to like him.
I loved all his attention,it made me feel special and worth something again.

Your feelings are really understandable OP.

I noticed that you said he made you feel worth something again. I think it would be a good thing to do to try and focus on yourself - do things for your own sake, what makes you happy? what makes you feel good?

I say this because when i was hurting and insecure after the end of a relationship I seemed to attract a terrible series of unavailable/douchey men, it's like they can sense vulnerability. I swore off dating for a bit and just did things for myself, indulged my hobbies, focused on what made me happy. Incidentally i did then meet a nice person!
thesunwillout · 15/04/2021 09:21

He's not ready to date because his big tits legs open woman 'likes ' suggest he's ready to just shag.

Topless pics of himself, nah.

Sounds like he's met a match.

It's so crap with all the online shite, everyone able to look up what everyone else is doing, liking and following.

You end up with tmi, and in this case you're now doubting yourself and probably your lovely pics, that attracted him in the first place.

Give yourself a few days, you'll feel the relief.

oakleaffy · 15/04/2021 09:24

@HairyPits

Just let it go. The chances are, he never booked any time off work for the date. He just wanted to see if you would.

You question the time you spent talking - this is a hobby for him, so he’s happy to invest the time. It’s his leisure activity.

EXACTLY!!
It is indeed a ''Hobby'' for men like these.

They like the fantasy, the chatting, the messaging, the promises...But it is all a lie, an illusion.

A woman I know met a

''Solvent Divorced Lawyer in {Wealthy area}'' on Tinder.

~Turns out he is not a lawyer, lives in a less than salubrious area with his WIFE.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.....But the woman is still dating him!!

I feel sorry for his poor wife and kids.
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