He has met someone else hasn't he?

[walkigonsuncc]

2 months ago (after a awful relationship) I started speaking to a man on tinder.
We exchanged numbers and straight away started speaking a lot.
Before work,during work after work etc.
He added me to Instagram and sometimes we would be chatting at the same time on both.

We had our first date 3 weeks ago after a month of chatting.
It went really well and we never stopped talking and laughing.

Straight after the date he rang me and he we spoke on the phone for a hour and he asked me out Again.
We arranged this Friday,so I booked the table and paid £20 deposit (outdoor drinks ,put they need deposits to secure table )
He was excited and talked about what drinks he fancied.
He was tagging me in posts about the place etc.

He would ring me most days after work for a hour,sometimes twice in one night.
He spoke about how his nephews were going to love me,told me he wanted to come with me whilst I pick a car (as I'm too nice and they will try and rip me off )
He is offered to pick me up from work as my car broke down.
Set an alarm every morning at 4am to text me good morning before my job started.

Last Thursday he text and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee (I said no as I was so busy that day)
He said no problem and was excited for Friday.
I was also so excited.
I thought at last I had met a nice guy.

Then Saturday I felt a change.
He wasn't chatting,no texts,no phone calls.
I tried texting but he would read and not reply for a few hours (I could just tell )
Sunday I spoke about our next date and how we would freeze in the beer garden..he replied ha.
He also was posting topless pics on his insta story (as though he was trying to impress someone )
Then he tagged a girl in his story of a song.

Monday he text "hi sorry I'm not ready to date after my ex broke my heart ,hopefully you understand,can you please delete my number"
I was shocked and text asking what I had done.
He said "it's me not you"
Then I said "you've done a 360 overnight"
He said he hadn't and had been thinking about it for a few days.
Then he blocked me on everything just like that gone.

My gut instinct told me check tinder ..there he was,with new pics (pics he sent me two weeks earlier )
Later in the day his profile was gone.

So my gut says,he started talking to someone new who he obviously preferred..I'm assuming the girl he tagged.
She was tanned,huge boobs,posing on a bed with legs spread etc (so clearly caught his eye )
How intense with me (over 2000 texts in two months ) will be what she's getting.

I'm upset (I know it was only 1 date) but everything was so intense.
Now he's gone just like that.

Aibu to think that's what's happened ?

I don't know how he can just disappear like that without giving me even a second thought.
I know it was only 2 months but it was pretty intense.

@CirclesWithinCircles

You have absolutely been played. OLD is full of men who do just that. Treat it as a learning experience and be wary that it could happen again. I agree with other posters that someone texting so much and so early in the morning is bad news as its so outwith normal social boundaries. I also agree with the poster who said some men do this as a hobby - goodness knows how they have time to hold down a job, as it must involve so much time on their part!

You know, the guy who did this with me is the CEO of a large scale construction firm, managing projects, staff, blokes on site - just why would he have the time to waste? And this was not an OLD situation either, so it's not as if he is practised at it. But perhaps he was doing that as well.

He sent me photos and videos of what was going on at work, pictures of him and his mates out after work, playlists, songs, all stuff that made the connection feel real. I can see why I was drawn in.

Then came the bare legs picture that he whipped away very quickly. That was weird. Calling me hot lips and gorgeous. Sent pics of himself in Speedos.

I think he got sick of me when I wouldn't send bikini shots or pictures from the shower, and turned the conversation round to normal chat. I can't get my head around it - I perhaps could if 1) it was an OLD situation and 2) I had been on this board before and seen what goes on in the OLD scene.

But why waste the time, really, why??

And another thing - if he really was just after a shag, then why send somebody to the door to say he didn't live there? If that was what he wanted, surely he could have shagged me and then ghosted me?

(I wouldn't have shagged him, but you know what I mean). I seriously don't get it!!!

It's the same with that guy I was texting too
Videos of nephews ,pictures at work,the days he was meeting friends he would ring me to say he was going to be busy.
Then just look that gone.
It's so quick

He might have meant it when he said it but much more likely is he's a serial player and knew what you'd want to hear

I know it stings that he dropped you when he saw someone he liked the look of more but honesty, huge bullet swerved.

OP, can I suggest you get off OLD for a bit while you do some work on learning to be happy in yourself. You started this thread nearly a week ago and you’re still going over the same ground. I know it’s shit and he’s a total twat for doing that, but sadly OLD is full of arseholes who will treat you badly in a whole range of different ways. You only met him once, several weeks ago, so it seems a bit much to still be posting the same things for nearly a week. It just says you aren’t ready, so take the lesson and invest some time in yourself.

Can’t believe this is still going on, all this obsessing over a guy you met once, I agree maybe best to cool it with online dating for a while.

@Whatisthisfuckery

OP, can I suggest you get off OLD for a bit while you do some work on learning to be happy in yourself. You started this thread nearly a week ago and you’re still going over the same ground. I know it’s shit and he’s a total twat for doing that, but sadly OLD is full of arseholes who will treat you badly in a whole range of different ways. You only met him once, several weeks ago, so it seems a bit much to still be posting the same things for nearly a week. It just says you aren’t ready, so take the lesson and invest some time in yourself.

To be fair, I think it is the rest of us discussing it that is keeping it going. I think the OP is clear that the guy is a tool, and is responding to others rather than going over the same ground.

For my own part, I am not and never have been and never would be OLD. But this crap still happened to me, and I understand OLD is full of arseholes as you say (my reason for not doing it in part) but I had this from a bloke who was NOT on OLD and I met through 'work' (albeit socially distanced) and he did the same sort of thing.

So my question is - is it guys in general rather than just players on OLD?

I have to say I don’t agree with some of the above comments. I met a guy not through OLD, we saw eachother for months and it got quite intense and the same thing happened to me.

Doesn’t matter if it’s been 2 weeks or 6 months, the way you feel is the way you feel and nobody has the right to invalidate your feelings. Just cause it’s OLD that doesn’t give men the right to behave the way they do. Just because this happened to you doesn’t mean the things you felt weren’t real. I’m a believer that everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know what the reason is at the time. You’ll meet someone better who deserves you

@pearl19 I agree with you. I think women are expected to say nothing, accept this terrible behaviour and move on with no explanation for fear of being labelled a bunny boiler, stalker or similar. This fear and conditioning gives blokes carte blanche to be arsewipes with impunity because they only have to chant 'bunny boiler' and bingo, on to the next.

It's one thing to realise it goes on and to watch out for it. I didn't know, because I am not a serial dater. My last relationship lasted for years, that ex was straight down the line, always did what he said he would do and was remarkably trustworthy, so I was 'out of the game'. My male friends are all decent guys who wouldn't do this sort of thing and to my knowledge neither would my three brothers.

It's interesting to understand the mentality of guys though. My ex's friend (who I don't like and never have) has been on Plenty of Fish for ages and says he tells women what they want to hear to get what he wants. It's terrible. I had this conversation with my ex yesterday following all this chat on here plus my friend getting into a situation with a chap on Messenger, for his views. He thinks it is terrible behaviour and that his mate is reprehensible.

I still don't know why they would waste the time, though. If a shag is all you want, aren't there platforms that cater for that, instead of wasting time of women who are looking for a relationship?

@Sandra15 totally agree. It’s been a week now since my guy ended things and it was me who had to call and force it out of him - he wasn’t responding to my texts for 2 days to the point I was actually worried, I feel if I hadn’t forced it out of him he would’ve full on ghosted me. Imagine spending 5 months with someone for them to treat you like that? There’s so much I want to say but I am feeling like you said above, I would be seen as clingy or a bunny boiler. I feel like for me to text him now a week later, would show weakness even though friends have said I should.

If I ever have sons and they treated a woman like that I’d be furious. There’s not many males in my family apart from younger ones, but I like to think they wouldn’t treat woman this way. My dad certainly wouldn’t.

Yes, if sex is what they are looking for fair enough. Make your intentions clear from the start instead of stringing someone along.

But she did say something, she said it, now it’s time to move on, it’s not healthy of helping anyone to keep going over it, she met him ONCE

The guy who ghosted me has a daughter. I wonder if he would like men treating her like that when she is older? He started posting on his married ex's Facebook page "hello gorgeous, looking stunning" and the like, followed by heart and lips emojis. It's gruesome.

@Happycat1212

But she did say something, she said it, now it’s time to move on, it’s not healthy of helping anyone to keep going over it, she met him ONCE

It might be healthy for other people to help understand this phenomenon. I never did, until I came on here. I thought the guy was genuine, particularly as I had met him in a kind of organic fashion through work, (albeit socially distanced) and was not looking for a relationship, so I thought a genuine connection had developed.

[quote pearl19]@Sandra15 totally agree. It’s been a week now since my guy ended things and it was me who had to call and force it out of him - he wasn’t responding to my texts for 2 days to the point I was actually worried, I feel if I hadn’t forced it out of him he would’ve full on ghosted me. Imagine spending 5 months with someone for them to treat you like that? There’s so much I want to say but I am feeling like you said above, I would be seen as clingy or a bunny boiler. I feel like for me to text him now a week later, would show weakness even though friends have said I should.

If I ever have sons and they treated a woman like that I’d be furious. There’s not many males in my family apart from younger ones, but I like to think they wouldn’t treat woman this way. My dad certainly wouldn’t.

Yes, if sex is what they are looking for fair enough. Make your intentions clear from the start instead of stringing someone along.[/quote]
But they know perfectly well that they wouldn't get sex if they told the truth - who would sleep with a man who said "I don't let myself form emotional bonds with women, so I'll only contact you if you're a bit innocebt/gullible, and ill tell you what you want to hear until i get what I want then I'll drop you like a stone".

I do wonder if this attitude of not criticising men makes it worse. I've been warned off men by friends and I would have been none the wiser if I hadn't been told that they were total sleaze balls who went from one woman to another.

The truth is that a high proportion of men who are single and 40 or over are going to be like this. Not all of them obviously, but a good proportion.

I personally think its the ones not on OLD who pretend to be the ideal man and invite you over for dinner that you have to watch. Those ones are very slick and you're far more likely to get emotionally involved as you will be more likely to assume they're genuine.

The comments about the OP having "to do work on herself before she returns to OLD always baffle me. What work is she supposed to do? Turn herself into a psychopath who doesnt form emotional bonds with other humans? Make herself hard and emotionless just to do OLD? Is this a good thing?

What I will say though is that the love bomber type know their target market. If I was being bombarded by texts by someone I'd never met, I'd tell them to get lost and block them.

But they know perfectly well that they wouldn't get sex if they told the truth - who would sleep with a man who said "I don't let myself form emotional bonds with women, so I'll only contact you if you're a bit innocent/gullible, and ill tell you what you want to hear until i get what I want then I'll drop you like a stone".

That's why I asked if there were websites/platforms for those who just want to get their rocks off with like minded people!

The comments about the OP having "to do work on herself before she returns to OLD always baffle me. What work is she supposed to do? Turn herself into a psychopath who doesnt form emotional bonds with other humans? Make herself hard and emotionless just to do OLD? Is this a good thing?

Well I think the op needs to not get so invested in someone she only met once, and yes she does need to work on spotting red flags as there was loads!!

Yeah I get they only met once but that doesn’t matter. I spoke to my guy over text, phone and FaceTime for weeks before we met up for the first time and we spoke about a lot. I felt some sort of connection before we even met for the first time which is only natural when you speak to someone so much, I’m not ashamed to admit that. I don’t think it’s fair to say “you only met once” that’s irrelevant.

I know a good few woman who would be happy to just meet up for sex or something more casual. Admittedly woman normally look for something more but it’s not always the case.

I think something needs to change in terms of how men treat woman rather than how a woman reacts. It’s really unfair that ken get away with this.

@Sandra15

But they know perfectly well that they wouldn't get sex if they told the truth - who would sleep with a man who said "I don't let myself form emotional bonds with women, so I'll only contact you if you're a bit innocent/gullible, and ill tell you what you want to hear until i get what I want then I'll drop you like a stone".

That's why I asked if there were websites/platforms for those who just want to get their rocks off with like minded people!

I honestly have no idea but I would guess not, as I believe in many towns there's now a shortage of women on OLD, so I can't imagine there being hordes of women on other dating sites!

I personally think wannabee serial shaggers struggle to get women interested in them after about 45/50 and/or they're really quite inadequate with women and don't know what to do in person, as opposed to sending endless messages.

I don't even do OLD but there was a phase last summer when men I didn't know were sending me pms on FB. It haoiaened to some if my friends as well. They were all in their late forties or older, located in Britain, abiyt half were local, and they would always start with liking the few photos you would have publicly visible, swiftly followed by a pm.

We all checked that we weren't accidentally on that FB dating app but we weren't. I dont know if someone somewhere made a list but I did ask one if them why they sent women they didn't know annoying messages and the answer was that it was too hard to meet women in OLD! It stopped quite suddenly and life has been blissfully free from dumb pms from total strangers for months now, which makes me think there was a list somewhere and I've been taken off it.

And before anyone says I might have missed out, all those men weren't exactly attractive, they were all really annoying and clearly playing a numbers game and I'd never, ever contemplate getting involved with a random stranger who sends women he doesn't know messages on FB.

Well that’s the point , you’re not suppose to be chatting for weeks and weeks you should be meeting as soon as possible as it creates a false sense of intimacy that isn’t actually real, meet as soon as possible to avoid it

Again @CirclesWithinCircles that’s happened to me also. There’s a group of guys local in the area I live that message single girls on rotation, ittll stop for a few months then restart again with the same group. Very strange behaviour

@Happycat1212 unfortunately due to covid we weren’t able to meet as everything was closed and the weather wasn’t exactly great in winter to go a walk or whatever. But ideally yes you’d be looking to meet up soonee

That’s fair enough but I do think it’s not a good idea as people end up thinking they know someone a lot more than they actually do, anyone can be who they want online, I have a female friend and on Facebook she’s like a completely different person on there , she has thousands of “friends” and from the way she acts you would think she was really out going and extrovert but it’s so far from the truth, irl she has a handful of friends and all her online ones are just that, online friends she’s never met as she accepts requests from anyone and irl she’s very shy and introvert, She’s the opposite of how she appears online, so my point is anyone can build up a persona online that’s very far from the truth, I get Covid etc but I would be wary of anyone who couldn’t spare the time for a quick walk

@pearl19

Again *@CirclesWithinCircles* that’s happened to me also. There’s a group of guys local in the area I live that message single girls on rotation, ittll stop for a few months then restart again with the same group. Very strange behaviour

Yes, that's exactly what happened. It also happened to two friends of mine, and I am sure they pass our details around. Needless to say, my FB has no recognisable photos of me publicly visible at all now.

I think it might be helpful to the OP to point out how actually annoying this type of man is though, and women it has happened to need to speak our about it more.

There was one last summer at the beginning, who was a friend of a friend, who added me on FB and stupidly I accepted because I've got something like 2000 friends on there, mostly through a sport we both do (and which this guy was involved in). He sent me a couple of anodine messages which I replied to politely, then he started putting the love heart emoticon next to my photos. Bearing in mind he looked like a potato and was in his fifties, I messaged him to remove the love hearts as it gave the wrong impression. He ciearly took a huff at this as he defriended me, and the friend of the friend did so too.

But that's OK. They didn't hassle me or anything, it was just a bit over familiar. I do wonder what goes through their minds though. Do they have any idea how often that happens to women? Do they really think that all you have to do to attract a woman is to put live heart emoticons next to their photos and poof! she will agree to go out with you? Even though you're a peripatetically employed ageing potato who appears to be more than 10 years older?

I didn't like where he said he come along to the garage with you as you'd be taken advantage of! What a twat! He's let you down and you've lost your deposit because of him.

I agree with PP who said that it's likely he changed when you didn't instantly agree to meeting for coffee when he asked. Sounds like it's his way or nothing with him.

You can do much better than him OP!

I would be very unhappy if my brother endlessly shared pictures of my children with someone he had only met online, and then once in person.

He seems to have a very cavalier attitude towards people.