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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

468 replies

ali444 · 14/04/2021 19:18

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 14/04/2021 19:47

I don’t think asking for mayo is rude really, I personally don’t keep it (I can’t stand it) but I know it’s generally condiment canon. Pink rock salt is more...wanky, I’d say, than rude. It is irritating though to be asked questions like that and have to say no to them, thus making having guests feel like a pain in the arse when it should be fun.

BrumBoo · 14/04/2021 19:48

If I had invited someone for lunch, I'd make sure I had a variation of food in. Unfortunately, I live in a house where most occupants have sensory issues (especially around food), so don't always buy things like lettuce often either. Just what we need or it goes to waste. Luckily all but one of us love mayo Grin.

I did once have a friend who wasn't so picky on things like skimmed vs semi-skimmed milk, but they were a brand-snob. They would have to see the product being used to see if it past muster - the bread had to be fresh and crusty, cheese had to be Cathedral City, butter had to be the dish kind, on brand fizzy drinks or Yorkshire Tea. You get the idea. Basically, they long lost their invitation to be fed and watered at our house, especially since we were barely scraping by at the time.

Lesemeraudes · 14/04/2021 19:49

Some of these you could have, especially the mayo. Presumably you are happy to share what you do have? I don't see why they shouldn't ask, it's only unreasonable if they take offence if you say no.

Longingforatikihut · 14/04/2021 19:49

I don't use milk so don't generally keep it in the house. Friends know if they are going to want tea to bring their own milk. Grin

3littlemonkeys82 · 14/04/2021 19:49

I struggle to eat dry food, it's treated as a joke with friends thatbkniw me well enough tbh "would you like some sausage with your ketchup sandwich?" " how about some cheese with your mayo sandwich?" So yes I would probably feel awfully cheeky, but I would ask if you had any.

I hope nobody thinks I'm a nuisance, if the answers no then I'll eat as much as I can with a few glasses of water.

I don't think it's too much of a stretch for most people to offer an alternative. No mayo but I've got salad cream, sorry no pink rock salt but theres some standard salt stuffed at the back of the cupboard etc.

MiddleParking · 14/04/2021 19:50

Actually, what is rude is turning up expecting to be fed (I’m assuming uninvited if the offering is a cheese sandwich). You shouldn’t be having to feed random people that show up.

TeachesOfPeaches · 14/04/2021 19:50

I think it's fine for guests to ask and for you to decline.

MizMoonshine · 14/04/2021 19:50

I don't think it's rude at all to ask for something that will make your food/drink more enjoyable. As long as you don't pitch a fit when someone politely informs you that they don't have it.

If someone is coming to visit, I will offer them food/drinks and ask how they like them. If I don't have what they like I can offer an alternative. I think it's poor hosting on your part, rather than rude guests.

MIL goes as far as phoning ahead to buy in things that we individually prefer as a family and I think that's a bit overkill. But salt and sugar keep, if these people are semi regular visitors, it wouldn't hurt to spend £2 to keep them around.

If you offered me a cheese sandwich, with no salad, I would decline it.

MitheringSunday · 14/04/2021 19:55

Mayo's the work of the devil, so you wouldn't be findng that here. I don't think asking for lettuce and tomatoes for a sandwich is that outrageous. The skimmed milk, brown sugar and the pink rock salt are a bit fussy, though we have different types of salt and sugar here.

MadeOfStarStuff · 14/04/2021 19:56

Your friends sound really rude!

If I go to someone’s home and they’re kind enough to feed me I’m just grateful! (But then I live alone so just glad for any meal I don’t have to prepare myself)

SunshineCake · 14/04/2021 19:56

@desperate4spring

We had some friends round for dinner once and a guy (who we hadn't met before - he was a friend-of-a-friend) actually removed a garlic crusher from my hand as I was crushing the garlic and explained that only amateurs crush garlic. Apparently it needed to be chopped... Confused
Obviously he is a twat but both ways are acceptable depending on the recipe!
LagganBubble · 14/04/2021 19:58

Can someone honestly tell the difference between white & brown sugar in a cup of coffee? I can just about understand the Mayo request, and a straightforward 'no, I don't eat it so I don't have any' should suffice - but not the cherry toms & lettuce are cheeky, and Mr pink rock salt is just being a pretentious Jamie Oliver wannabe

WhySoSensitive · 14/04/2021 19:59

If I was offered a plane cheese sandwich... just cheese and bread, I would ask for some condiment to put into it too.
Salad and Mayo is something f most people would have available.

Youdontknowwhatyouronabout · 14/04/2021 19:59

The only one of those I wouldn’t have is skimmed milk.
DH regularly takes the piss out of my pink Himalayan rock salt since he read there are no benefits compared to ordinary rock salt Grin
That said, I wouldn’t be a pain at someone’s house and ask for any extras, I would just happily take whatever they serve me as it comes.

MzHz · 14/04/2021 20:00

Just put them off, arrange to meet midway, each one can bring their own lunch and a drink

ILoveShula · 14/04/2021 20:01

Of the things requested by OP's visitors, I don't have them apart from lettuce.

I might have the himalayan rock salt (I'd need to rummage) but not tomatoes, mayonnaise, sugar or skimmed milk.

Your friends are rude.

Just open a packet of cheap own brand biscuits next time.

tigertubbie · 14/04/2021 20:03

I think what's awkward about it is how you feel about it.
Like I never have shit in but when people ask me I'm just like nah soz mate don't have it, or I just say when i offer a coffee, I only have granules and oat milk so if you don't like it I can offer a fruit tea bag or water.
If the asking for stuff bothers you it might be actually how you feel about saying no. Maybe it makes you feel inferior or embarrassed somehow. Maybe you build up a thing about being a good host when really people are just asking for stuff and you can say no and there are no issues.

FartleBarfle · 14/04/2021 20:05

Literally that whole list of random ingredients I not only don't have but would be baffled if I was asked for them! You should have started a post asking what the weirdest thing a guest has asked was - you would have won the thread!

You sound totally reasonable and normal. If you require pink rock salt or special milk, then you should bring it with you when visiting other houses - that's my opinion!

Saltyslug · 14/04/2021 20:05

You’re being a bit over the top. I’d want all my friends or family to ask if I have a condiment or sandwich filler or sugar if they fancied it with their refreshments. What’s the big deal? It doesn’t matter if I have the desired items or not.

tommyhoundmum · 14/04/2021 20:05

If people are hungry then they can eat whatever you've prepared without comment

MzHz · 14/04/2021 20:06

I don’t have pink salt, or different sugar for coffee.

We have lacto free milk and Normal milk for ds

We would always have lettuce etc, because H loves it and always makes sure the salad draw is fully stocked, but otherwise the choices for impromptu visitors would be slim.

My oh is v well off, and we don’t waste time or money on food unless we have a plan for it.

Literally nobody has ever been as rude as your guests

It’s family members predominantly, isn’t it?

I wouldn’t have people over who were this ridiculous- don’t care who they are, they have zero manners

Saltyslug · 14/04/2021 20:07

Offer to go visit others if you dislike hosting

MzHz · 14/04/2021 20:08

@tigertubbie

I think what's awkward about it is how you feel about it. Like I never have shit in but when people ask me I'm just like nah soz mate don't have it, or I just say when i offer a coffee, I only have granules and oat milk so if you don't like it I can offer a fruit tea bag or water. If the asking for stuff bothers you it might be actually how you feel about saying no. Maybe it makes you feel inferior or embarrassed somehow. Maybe you build up a thing about being a good host when really people are just asking for stuff and you can say no and there are no issues.
That’s a very valid point

Why do you care if they ask for something you don’t ever have?

Don’t worry about these kinds of people

eatsleepread · 14/04/2021 20:08

There is so much overthinking on this thread. Somebody asks if you have something, you say no, job done. Hmm
They're not 'terrible' for asking, just as you're not a bad host for not having it.

Boomshakkalakka · 14/04/2021 20:09

I wouldnt ask for them but would expect to be offered something on a cheese sandwich other than just plain cheese. I'd eat it if it came as plain cheese but I would find it a bit odd and would remind me of the Tesco Value sarnies or those that came in brown paper bags in school packed lunches for trips.

For milk I would say 'skimmed if you have it' but would not expect that you certainly would