To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

[ali444]

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

@katy1213

Mayonnaise is hardly a fancy condiment. And skimmed milk is hardly exotic. You don't have to make a big deal of it - just say, 'No, I only buy semi-skimmed," or whatever. It seems very sad to be dreading visitors for something so trivial; I prefer skimmed milk if there's a choice - if there isn't I'm happy with whatever's going. And if somebody wanted pink rock salt, I'd laugh!

Yes to all of this. Just say you don’t have the things if they ask?

Semi-Skimmed milk is just full fat milk with water added.

Just plain rude

For a family to drop in on a single person with no/minimum notice and then expect to be catered for is pretty rude and inconsiderate. Whats wrong with:-

"Hi, we will be in the neighbourhood tomorrow and thought we might drop in. Is that ok"

@Alwayscheerful

"Semi-Skimmed milk is just full fat milk with water added."

No it isn't.

I also prefer sweetener to sugar

I find that artificial sweeteners trigger my IBS, especially anything containing alcohol sugars. Anything ending in "itol" like sorbitol and xylitol are common in artificial sweeteners and are known to have a laxative effect.

Explanation about halfway down this page

YABU

I have a strict shopping budget and I don’t get upset when people ask if I have something specific. It’s not rude. They’re my friends and I am happy they are comfortable enough to ask. I can’t imagine being so uptight that I’d be offended by someone asking for something.

I simply explain the situation and people understand.

@WiddlinDiddlin I would imagine if the OP's guests had mentioned a sliding hiatus hernia, she wouldn't have posted here about the mayo.

This is the most disgustingly snobbish and clueless about people who are on a low income thing I have ever read on MN and that is really saying something.

@2020in2020

Agree 100%.

I'd ask for these things and I'd have no issue being asked. Not an issue really.

Rampantivy - I so much agree a out just croppong on. Even a phone call in advance would help,arnd give you an excuse to say yes or no. I can understand not answering the door if you are still in bed or in your pyjamas or rushing to go out, or online to work. How do these casual callers even know you are at. home at all? It seems the height of rudeness to call at likely meal times as well, and also to ask for foodstuffs not offered. I do have a couple of friends who simply turn up on the doorstep if literally passing, but I have to struggle a bit to be welcoming.
I find nowadays that almost nobody uses sugar or sweetener in tea and coffee so I keep a discreet container of artificial sweeteners inn my bag. Asking for sweeteners is like lighting up a cigarette - the ultimate no, no, of social intercourse. When I was young, offering cigarettes was de rigeur. Things change.And also.... women are not always at home at all but have lives of their own.
Best slogan is "You'll have had your tea" - clear signal in Scotland that no refreshment is forthcoming.

How do these casual callers even know you are at. home at all?

Because I am usually in these days, especially at the time my friend (who only occasionally calls unexpectedly) would call by on her way to work (she does evening shifts).

I WFH these days and dislike wearing nightclothes during the day anyway, so I am extremely unlikely not to be dressed.

Also, if my car is not on the drive it is obvious that I am out.

My mum doesn’t like Mayo and wouldn’t dream of buying a bottle as it would go to waste. She does however have a few sachets of it in her kitchen (along with brown sauce, vinegar, BBQ sauce etc). She has them from fast food type places - never excessive amounts but a couple of each for guests. Maybe an idea OP for the future.

It's rude OP. I am a firm believer of taking what you are given when in another person's home. I once had friends come and stay and me, being pregnant at the time, bought them Gordon's gin to have. They went on for an hour about how inferior Gordon's is to basically every other gin ever made. They could have just said thanks or no thanks. Now, years later, I still think they were rude and it put me off making any sort of effort to see them.

@RampantIvy

Honestly, people who measure niceness by what's in their cupboard for potential guests are massive fucking weirdos

It is the social norm among my family and friends to offer a hot drink - usually tea (not cheap tea) when you have visitors. And it is the social norm among everyone I know that this happens, not just at home, but (pre covid) in the workplace, business meetings etc. I find your statement rather disingenuous TBH @JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows.

You sound like my friends and family @HikeForward. We don’t turn up on spec at people’s houses anyway, so we are expected, and as soon as we turn up the kettle goes on. It’s an automatic thing.

But do you measure someone's kindness by their offering you tea? That was my entire point

[quote MessAllOver]@Boomshakkalakka. What if you're at work? Or cooking dinner? Or in the shower? Or doing bathtime/bedtime? Or out for a walk or at the playground? Or it's the weekend and you're having a lazy morning and not yet out of your pyjamas? There are many many reasons why it's considerate to check that it's a convenient time for your host for you to drop in. If someone rang the doorbell in the middle of me giving my DC their bath, I'd be less than delighted to have to drag them out of it. Half an hour later and I'd probably enjoy having company.[/quote]
If I was cooking they would just say hi and go, or might stay. Bathtime/bed time they would just join in, in my pjs wouldnt happen but if it did it wouldnt be an issue. Bacially just join in with what we were doing or pop in, say hi and go. but would happily tell them to go if it was an issue and no one would mind

@KirstenBlest
We had a visiting speaker from a Dairy Farm and she said Farmers love semi- skimmed milk because it doubled their profits , she told us it was basically watered down full fat.
I myself, buy semi skimmed milk but if I had a visitor and they wanted semi skimmed milk I think it might be a useful alternative.

Very rude! I would never do that, it’s rude when you’re being fed for free in someone’s house. If they are that bothered they should bring their own food and condiments

Only a really caring host would say bring your own food and condiments 😂

Presumably OP also ‘gets fed for free’ in the homes of these friends and relatives? Maybe they even get bland food in for her. And she has the option not to invite people for meals if she begrudges making meals they actually like, or providing condiments that make food palatable.

OP said she asked friend to make a salad in her kitchen ready for a party (guess OP was hosting the party). Why is it so rude when friend asks if OP has pink rock salt? It’s not like the friend wanted the rock salt as a ‘treat’ for herself. The friend was doing OP a favour helping prep food for OP’s guests. Who serves salad with no dressing at a party?

Good grief, hasn't the pandemic shown that when people are WFH they are WORKING and not available for random visitors?! Even if they are wearing a suit to be on a zoom board meeting that day.

I don't have a single friend who drops in uninvited. Do people really do that?

Uninvited: very rare unless they’re close family.

Last minute text with no time for me to pop to supermarket: quite common, which is why I keep basics like tea, coffee, sugar, biscuits and lunch staples in the house. I see milk, lettuce and cucumber as staples.

But do you measure someone's kindness by their offering you tea?

It’s polite to offer guests drinks on arrival. A sort of social icebreaker/sign of welcome.

If I’m stuck under the baby or have my hands full I say ‘please help yourself to tea and coffee, it’s all in the cupboard above the kettle with the cups, milk’s in the fridge, shout if you need anything. Help yourself to biscuits and cold drinks too, can’t remember what’s in the fridge but I think we have juice, wine and coke, and there’s ice in the freezer. Bring the biscuits/chocolate to the table if you like’

Most of my friends and family know the layout of my kitchen as well as their own and are happy to help themselves. In fact in we’re in the garden someone will almost certainly offer to make the next round of drinks to save me getting up and down.

Likewise when we had overnight guests I used to say help yourselves to breakfast if I’m not up, and give them a quick tour of the kitchen. Nothing worse than waking up at 5am desperate for a cup of coffee and thinking you have to wait for hosts to get up.

In the past I’ve come down to a guest frying himself eggs in my kitchen, he’d managed to find all the ingredients he needed and I just thought great, he’s so independent and at home here I don’t have to worry about him!

[quote Alwayscheerful]@KirstenBlest
We had a visiting speaker from a Dairy Farm and she said Farmers love semi- skimmed milk because it doubled their profits , she told us it was basically watered down full fat.
I myself, buy semi skimmed milk but if I had a visitor and they wanted semi skimmed milk I think it might be a useful alternative.[/quote]
@Alwayscheerful, the dairy farmer was talking nonsense.

The composition is not that of watered down whole milk, which isn't that fatty anyway at 3.25% fat.

People tend to go by the colour of a cup of tea, so use more semi-skimmed milk than they would full-fat, so generally it's a false economy. The goodness in milk needs the fat to be absorbed, which is why children are meant to have whole milk.

Because whole milk gets called full-fat people think it's bad for them. I find that a bowl of cereal with whole milk keeps me fuller for longer so I'd be less likely to feel hungry mid-morning.

Cream is removed from semi-skimmed and sold separately. Somebody wins.

Butchers like selling meat with the fat removed because the customers buy fat to cook the meat in, instead of letting the meat cook in it's own fat, or so a butcher told me.

Stroller15
But what is rude there is the fact they complained about the gin not being to their taste.

HikeForward
I'm glad you're also of the 'help yourselves' approach with guests. When people are staying I'd much rather they made themselves at home. Like you, I hate the feeling of being up early and having to wait for a couple of hours for the host to get up

I don’t see a problem, it doesn’t hurt to ask

How rude. I could understand asking for a condiment. I don't eat they but my family do. I would never ask for things to be added or a different type of sugar. As for pink rock salt...🙄