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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by awkward visitors & guests

468 replies

ali444 · 14/04/2021 19:18

I'm a single mum, work part time and don't have a lot of spare cash for luxuries or anything beyond the basics for my DC and myself. We live well but I'm very careful with money.
Dreading the end of lockdown as friends and family will be visiting more often and expecting to be fed (not a problem in itself, as long as they are happy to eat the kind of foods and ingredients I keep in the house).
I keep my food very plain and simple, no fancy ingredients or condiments etc. Don't like mayo (neither do DC so I don't even have it in the house). A friend came once and I made a simple but perfectly find cheese sandwich and she like "have you got any lettuce, cherry tomatoes and mayo to put on it".. No! Someone else asked me for "skimmed milk" (don't buy it, ever!), another one asked for "brown sugar" in their coffee (as opposed to standard white sugar), someone else has asked for "pink rock salt" once when helping me make a salad for a party... The list goes on.
AIBU to find it rude and inconsiderate to be in someone's house and, instead of just gracefully accepting what is offered, start asking for stupid, random and sometimes completely obscure things that they probably knew from the outset I was unlikely to have.
If I'm in somone's house, I never make a nuisance of myself but asking if they've got any this or that... it puts pressure on the host and I find it rude tbh. Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 15/04/2021 17:44

The original point was that when people turn up uninvited, they don't have expectations or requests;

I agree

and frankly even when you are invited, while you can expect some food and refreshment, you don't make specific requests either.

It depends on the circumstances. If I invite people round to host a meal for example, I ask what they like and what to avoid. A good host would want to make their guests feel welcome by providing what they enjoy eating and drinking.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/04/2021 17:44

@KVIIIlyne

ZeroFuchsGiven I have no problem with anyone, I just find the posters who insist that everyone they know and in the whole world must have tea bags for visitors, unless they are (from the thread) weird, anti-social, rude...and stoping the fight for cancer too apparently Confused

The original point was that when people turn up uninvited, they don't have expectations or requests; and frankly even when you are invited, while you can expect some food and refreshment, you don't make specific requests either.

But because some posters believe they hold the standard of what is "normal", anyone remotely different is a bad host.

That response is Bullshit though,

Op never said anyone was turning up uninvited, Op never even mentioned Tea bags ffs.

Really, go back and read your posts on this thread and see how many times you have slagged off Brits.

AppleDolphin · 15/04/2021 17:44

@desperate4spring

We had some friends round for dinner once and a guy (who we hadn't met before - he was a friend-of-a-friend) actually removed a garlic crusher from my hand as I was crushing the garlic and explained that only amateurs crush garlic. Apparently it needed to be chopped... Confused
Did you ram that garlic crusher where the sun don't shine???
KVIIIlyne · 15/04/2021 17:47

ZeroFuchsGiven
the Op spoke about visitors expecting to be fed. Is that how anyone describe any invited guests, really?

The tea bags was in reply to some posters above.. I am sure you can easily find the posts.

Georgyporky · 15/04/2021 17:53

Pre-covid, a close friend & I would do this as a laugh.

Pink rock salt? But it's not Himalayan dahhling.

No pomegranate molasses? But it is divine in that coffee that is made from beans that have passed through an elephant's arse. You mean you don't have that coffee either?

MessAllOver · 15/04/2021 17:54

This thread is bizarre. I don't have a single friend who drops in uninvited. Do people really do that?

My friends come because I want them to come and I provide tea/coffee/fizzy water and snacks like biscuits and homemade cake because I appreciate them coming and like to make a fuss of them. Quite a few of them have new babies so it's nice for them to be able to sit down comfortably with a hot drink and a plate of snacks and be looked after for a change. Often, they bring something (snacks for the children, cake or fruit etc.) but it's not expected. If the plan is for them to stay for lunch, I message them with a few simple options (I'm not much of a cook so basic things like pizza, sausages, fish finger sandwiches or chicken noodles) and ask which they'd prefer. I do provide cheese sandwiches but that's for the toddlers Grin.

Surely the solution if you begrudge catering for people is not to have them visit.

Dublto · 15/04/2021 18:03

If it was people I was really close to, I wouldn’t mind them asking for things, like long time friends, close family members but in general I would say these requests from new ish friends or acquaintances are a bit OTT.

jwpetal · 15/04/2021 18:08

I Don't see the problem of asking for something. If you are feeding them, just say no if you don't have it. I don't eat ketchup so don't think of offering, but do have it. You can be gracious and just say you don't have it and if you do share it. You can also set boundaries that visitors don't come during lunch or dinner.

Ziri · 15/04/2021 18:22

Would you accept fancy food from them if they offered you one in their homes? ask yourself.

IMO , it wouldn't hurt to have a little bit of some of these things in your home. If you are going to be entering guests - family or friends, you should try to be a good host by providing a variety of food regardless of if you like eating them or not. Just compromise for the little them they will be in your home. After all, if they don't eat them in your house, they can always afford them at their's or elsewhere.

If it were me, I wouldn't make such requests if I get invited because I wouldn't know why they were not offered, I'll just be grateful to have even be offered something and I will gracefully decline if it's something that I can't eat.

Lastly, this is why I don't visit people and if I do, I do not eat in people's houses except my siblings.

RampantIvy · 15/04/2021 18:27

This thread is bizarre. I don't have a single friend who drops in uninvited. Do people really do that?

MIL used to have loads of people drop by. We are talking about a small village and people well into retirement though. It was the norm.

I have one friend who drops by occasionally. She knows she is always welcome, and she never stays for long because she is usually just passing - really.

On mumsnet most people hate unexpected visitors and don't nswer the door. Now, I admit that not answering the door is weird TBH.

MasterBeth · 15/04/2021 18:30

Life is too short to be offended by friends asking for a tomato.

vampirethriller · 15/04/2021 18:39

I could be missing the point of the thread but Home Bargains sell pink rock salt. I buy it because it matches my saucepans Grin

RampantIvy · 15/04/2021 18:42

@MasterBeth

Life is too short to be offended by friends asking for a tomato.
Exactly
HikeForward · 15/04/2021 19:01

If expecting these guests could you just tell them that you can provide plain sandwiches and if they fancy bring some salad or mayo along that would be just lovely. Then if they don't it's their loss

That would come across as quite rude though (if you’ve invited the guests for lunch and tell them to bring everything except the bread and cheese)?

Unless they’ve invited themselves at short notice and you haven’t had time to get extras in of course.

What shocked me was OP felt she shouldn’t have to buy anything SHE doesn’t eat, admitting she likes her food very plain without condiments but disregarding guests might find a plain cheese sandwich with no salad or condiments a very odd lunch!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/04/2021 19:30

What’s unusual for you may be normal for them. They are friends and family close enough to be prepping food with you - they should feel comfortable enough to ask for a bit of Mayo!

2020in2020 · 15/04/2021 19:42

This is the most disgustingly snobbish and clueless about people who are on a low income thing I have ever read on MN and that is really saying something.

Boomshakkalakka · 15/04/2021 19:43

@MessAllOver

This thread is bizarre. I don't have a single friend who drops in uninvited. Do people really do that?

My friends come because I want them to come and I provide tea/coffee/fizzy water and snacks like biscuits and homemade cake because I appreciate them coming and like to make a fuss of them. Quite a few of them have new babies so it's nice for them to be able to sit down comfortably with a hot drink and a plate of snacks and be looked after for a change. Often, they bring something (snacks for the children, cake or fruit etc.) but it's not expected. If the plan is for them to stay for lunch, I message them with a few simple options (I'm not much of a cook so basic things like pizza, sausages, fish finger sandwiches or chicken noodles) and ask which they'd prefer. I do provide cheese sandwiches but that's for the toddlers Grin.

Surely the solution if you begrudge catering for people is not to have them visit.

I find this odd - most of my friends just turn up randomly.
Malbals · 15/04/2021 20:02

Very rude! I would never do that, it’s rude when you’re being fed for free in someone’s house. If they are that bothered they should bring their own food and condiments

MessAllOver · 15/04/2021 20:07

@Boomshakkalakka. What if you're at work? Or cooking dinner? Or in the shower? Or doing bathtime/bedtime? Or out for a walk or at the playground? Or it's the weekend and you're having a lazy morning and not yet out of your pyjamas? There are many many reasons why it's considerate to check that it's a convenient time for your host for you to drop in. If someone rang the doorbell in the middle of me giving my DC their bath, I'd be less than delighted to have to drag them out of it. Half an hour later and I'd probably enjoy having company.

bigmumsymcgraw · 15/04/2021 20:13

True friends are happy with whatever you serve. Find people in your life with better manners

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/04/2021 20:18

@DuchessOfSausage

If you chew the food properly it won't be dry or claggy.
Fuck me I'd never thought of that.

All this time I've just been ramming food down my throat without bothering to chew it, it must be THAT that is the issue not the longstanding medical condition I have...

We must broadcast this info to everyone who has a sliding hiatus hernia who struggles to swallow dry or claggy food as I am absolutely certain this is a medical breakthrough no one has ever thought of before....

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 15/04/2021 20:24

@WiddlinDiddlin - exactly! People seem to believe that by telling us we can swallow dry and claggy food it makes it so. Remarkable isn't it? Must tell my doctor that DuchessofSausage off Mumsnet has finally found a solution.

winniestone37 · 15/04/2021 21:22

I agree. My sister in law kept asking for different pillows as she didn’t like why we’d given her. Not food but I will tell her to bring her own next time.

Bodynegative · 15/04/2021 21:23

I was a single parent on a very low income but it didn't offend me if someone asked for something I didn't have, I just said no, sorry don't use it. I'm now on a very low income again due to ill health but I usually have cherry toms, mayo (or if I haven't I'll whip some up, always have an egg & some oil & random herbs & condiments kicking about. Mind you, I never have coke or squash or any thing like that cos I don't drink them. Water, tea, coffee (not instant) or gin if you're lucky

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 15/04/2021 21:31

I don’t think it’s necessarily rude to ask.. I always check what type of milk it is before accepting a cup of coffee.. Blue triggers my IBS, green I can just about tolerate, and red (skimmed) is my preference, so if you only have blue I’ll politely decline. I also prefer sweetener to sugar, but I carry those with me, I’ll just ask you to leave the teaspoon in.