To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

Why is being single and childfree preventing you from organising parties? Throw a party and guests will bring you gifts, that's how it works.

It's a bit odd to resent "friends" who did.

You can literally buy yourself presents. A well done gift for getting up in the morning

@HumunaHey why would that matter, are you trying to suggest that it does require some special skill?

It's depressing to be so bitter because you are single and childfree frankly. That's what comes out of this thread.

Oh so you ain't actually think YABU and know you're in the right, gotcha.

Don't*

I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Using that logic, surely the joy of being alive for another year is enough without birthday presents? Or the joy of trees, decorations, and good food enough without Christmas presents?

Wedding / new baby presents are given in celebration of momentous occasions in people's lives, not rewards.

You say you're not materialistic but you definitely come across that way, and very bitter.

@SeaTurtles92

Oh so you ain't actually think YABU and know you're in the right, gotcha.

Come again?!

Tbf, there's a difference between simply getting a new job because you want a change, have moved houses, are simply fed up of the old one, etc. (which I wouldn't give a gift for) compared to getting a promotion, taking a leap of faith to a new career, leaving a toxic work environment, etc. which does deserve praise and encouragement.

I don't think anyone here is saying a single, childfree/childless woman has a less meaningful life. But you can't compare getting a pet to having a child or simply grtting a new job ( if it's for the former reasons) I mentioned above to getting married. There are other life milestones she could have mentioned.

If you don't have children for whatever reason, you are just as worthy as a mother (obviously!) but it's insulting to downplay how hard the journey can be for some mothers. It is NOT on par with getting a pet.

@Missfelipe Well it seems you're downplaying how hard it is to be pregnant, birth and raise a child because you've not done it. You shouldn't speak on what you don't know. And if you have done it, kudos to you for thinking it's a walk in the park.

@HumunaHey I think if you actually read my post properly you’ll see that I’ve acknowledged that it can be physically and emotionally very hard for some.

Getting up every night several times to feed a baby (usually the mother) deserves every gift for ever imv.

I didn’t have a baby shower, but I did get a few things bought. I doubt OP would have much to do with some newborn onesies and a buggy!
As for getting married, I’m not a big believer in marriage so I haven’t done it - but when me and my ex got engaged we got given a bottle of champagne. I hate champagne.
I guess it just depends on who you know and your social norms around others giving gifts.

I have a kid and I don’t get showered in gifts. I’d like that too! It just doesn’t happen.

We used to get a small monetary bonus at work when we got married, until my colleague made the same point as you. That was the point at which they decided to get rid of all similar gift-type bonuses (e.g. Christmas) and replace them with a sales based one that no-one ever manages to achieve. Thanks colleague

To be honest, in normal life I don't think people give those gifts at the expense of giving others so I think you are right in that you're being a tad bitter. People can make enough of a fuss of you on your birthday if that's what you're after.

@Mmn654123

You’re absolutely entitled to your opinion, but don’t correct me on mine! When I buy a present for a baby I am buying a present for a baby.

Also, in my family, no one is insensitive enough to leave someone out for not having children. ‘Gifts only for the children’ isn’t what we do, but if it was then the people who would ‘lose out’ (though that’s not how I’d see it) would be me and DH. There is a whole lot of projection going on here!

Tbf, there's a difference between simply getting a new job because you want a change, have moved houses, are simply fed up of the old one, etc. (which I wouldn't give a gift for) compared to getting a promotion, taking a leap of faith to a new career, leaving a toxic work environment, etc. which does deserve praise and encouragement.

But in the context of the OP, it doesn't matter.

If you throw a party to celebrate any of these, you will get gifts accordingly - which is what the OP is miffed about.

No one can pretend you get more birthday/new home/graduation gifts if you are married than if you are single! People don't randomly bring you gifts for any event if you don't make them join in.

[quote HumunaHey]@Missfelipe Well it seems you're downplaying how hard it is to be pregnant, birth and raise a child because you've not done it. You shouldn't speak on what you don't know. And if you have done it, kudos to you for thinking it's a walk in the park.[/quote]
I have DC and whilst it most definitely a full time job (on top of everything else you need to do in life) it is by and large a choice.

What is it they call people who have an inflated sense of their own ‘achievements’ and seeks to gain recognition of this from others?

@SpringtimeSummertime

I agree OP. In this order:

Engagement party
Hen/stag party
Wedding party
Homecoming (from honeymoon party)
‘We’ve got a new house’ party
‘Housewarming’ party
‘We’re pregnant’ party
Party to reveal whether it’s a boy/girl
Baby shower party
Naming party

Some people like parties. I do not!

Who does all these things??

Hen do - a party, not a gift giving occasion.
Wedding - a party, with or without gifts at the couple’s preference
Housewarming - no spouse nor offspring required to have this party.
Baby shower - thrown by a mate if it happens at all, small gifts for the baby
Birth of child - baby grows and muslins, but mostly flowers
Naming/Christening - that’s a cultural/religious thing, presenting the child to their community. Small gifts for the child, not the parents.

Leaving do - no spouse or offspring required
Graduation party - ditto
Farewell party - if leaving a the area, ditto
And every birthday, Christmas, Eid, Chanukah etc

We celebrate life events. Some of those relate to marriage and children, lots don’t.

[quote HumunaHey]@Missfelipe Well it seems you're downplaying how hard it is to be pregnant, birth and raise a child because you've not done it. You shouldn't speak on what you don't know. And if you have done it, kudos to you for thinking it's a walk in the park.[/quote]
I haven’t had children, however, I certainly don’t expect it would be a walk in the park, but it is a choice to put yourself and your body through these things and I can’t really imagine why one would do it unless they absolutely wanted to.

I spend my whole working day with children, I’ve experienced a whole range of social, emotional and academic challenges in children. I can easily imagine what life would be like having them 24/7. I could do it, I have quite a lot of patience and resilience. I don’t really want to though.

It’s great if raising children is your calling, purpose, desire, whatever. However, previous poster was pointing out that many, many people manage it (some admittedly put more effort in than others) and therefore becoming a parent does not automatically signify an outstanding achievement. In my line of work, I have met parents who are sailing through the experience, parents who are doing all they can to get by and parents who probably shouldn’t have bothered (and everything in between).

Marriage and kids are huge events that deserve gifts - plus there are things you genuinely need so the gifts are partly to give those necessities.

There's nothing wrong with not doing them, but you can't celebrate not doing something? Like if you choose not to go to uni no one will celebrate your graduation.

Have you seen SATC 'A Woman's Right to Shoes'? It addresses this issue!

@SpringtimeSummertime My point wasn't about it being a choice.

My point was it being downplayed and likened to buying a pet. Seeking out a cure for cancer (e.g. given by PP) is a choice. By your logic, because they sought out that cure, we shouldn't bother celebrate it.

And yes, raising a child well does require some skills, you are in a sink or swim situation and some, unfortunately, sink.

You sound bitter. Some people like giving gifts to loved ones. Nobody forces you to attend a wedding/ baby shower/ birthday.
I truly like finding gifts for other people and it’s lovely that there are many pleasant occasions to give them.

Weird thread. People get presents for many many reasons! Being a wife or mother aren't the only reasons (fyi men get wedding presents too 🙄)

I've never had a present for being a mother except on mother's day from my kids. When they were born people bought them gifts, not me. OP you probably got presents for being born too.

Maybe you just have the wrong people in your life OP that don't buy you gifts. In the last couple of years I've bought people gifts for moving house, new job, new pets, poorly pets, birthdays, retirement, because-you-are-sad, thank you, christian confirmation (adult), oh probably loads more too.

If gifts are important to you get some better gift giving friends 😂 do you give other people gifts for what you consider important life events?

Start a new business and throw a party for friends and family to celebrate the opening, you will get gifts.

You don't need to be married for that.

Absolutely no one has a ‘we’ve got a new house party’ and a housewarming party. Not a thing.