To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

I'm a wife and mother and hate it too. I love the card I get from my daughter that she makes at school, but I don't see the point in getting presents for Mothers Day. It all gets a bit competitive.

YANBU.

I agree with you OP.

Pets and jobs are odd ones. Pets - I think it very much depends on if you’re a pet person or not. We’re dog people, so on someone getting a new dog we’d go to our favourite pet store and pick something up for the new pet. Unless it was something like a snake or fish because I’m not really sure what they need If someone gets a big promotion, we will send a present but we’re at the age that people are just moving round a bit. So my friend who has 3 new jobs in two years because nothing is quite right, I’m probably not going to get her something but when FIL got a big promotion we sent him something.

However, I will also give gifts because I want to and I find something that person likes. I send flowers when people are feeling down. I’ve just sent my MIL a notebook that she would like. I’ve got some bits of fabric here to give to my mum when I see her next. When I next see my uni friends, I’ve got presents all lined up for them. Although, actually it’s more presents for their kids and dogs. There is one friend who will get something for her and another friend who I haven’t worked out what I’m getting her yet. If I love you, I’ll buy you a gift sometimes for an occasion and sometimes just because. It might only be small. I might just pick you up a kinder bueno when I go to the shop and pop it on your desk but I know you love them and it will make your day a bit brighter.

Sure you might get a toaster but then you have to spend the rest of your life with the same person. Doesn’t seem like the best exchange.

[quote babbaloushka]@Mmn654123 the married parents giving gifts response to someone unthread.[/quote]
In my experience @babbaloushka, once friends are married with children, even if they were previously thoughtful and considerate people, they become utterly self absorbed. So on the rare occasion they manage to purchase a gift, it will be thoughtless.

I expect it’s due to the terrible exhaustion that comes from having ‘meaning’ in ones life but it makes them crap friends. Maybe when their children go to university they will improve but I’ve long stepped back from most friends who are married with children. They tend to be selfish, thoughtless, entitled and some have done what has been demonstrated on this thread by calling single female friends ‘bitter’ for not wanting to always be the one giving of their time, money and energy - presumably because they either think we have nothing else to do or because they haven’t given it enough thought to even notice.

I really wish people would stop saying growing a human is hard as though it were the equivalent of finding a cure for cancer...it’s not some mysterious process...it’s of course physically/emotionally incredibly hard for some (not all) but so are a lot of other things (which are not by choice). Let’s not pretend it requires some other worldly knowledge and skill. It really sick of the narrative that paints childless women as less and this goes right to it.

Also marriage is not life changing. I say this as a married person.

There are too many ‘present giving’ occasions. It seems like there are more and more and more. Too much guilt/disposable income/not knowing how to celebrate without?

I kind of know what you mean OP. I'm childfree (by choice) and my DP and I are not married. So I've never had a wedding, hen night, baby shower, etc. Although to be honest I would hate most hen nights I hear about!

The reverse of this is that also my Mum has never been mother of the bride etc. Luckily my brother has children so she's a grandma but he's also not married.

However I don't feel like I've missed out. I'm happy to contribute to collections at work for weddings and babies, but we also have a collection when someone turns 30, 40 or 50.

I'm rambling a bit I realise... I suppose we all make our own life choices and we shouldn't look to others for their reassurances that we are doing the right thing.

Some people are extremely offended that I am childfree which is entirely their problem. In fact there is a poster above who sounds like one of those people!

When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

that's sad for you. New jobs, promotion and any happy event get celebrated and I always get something. You need better friends.

I don't get gifts for being "a wife" 😂. But we do exchange gifts for fixed reasons, or for no reason at all. Jewellery when you have babies is nice, that's true.

Organise a party to celebrate getting your pet or whatever happy event you want to celebrate, and guests will bring you gifts...

@Bancha

I have read most of this but not all of it so apologies if this has already been said.

I do agree with a lot of what you’re saying. I make an effort to buy presents/send cards to my friends when they have things to celebrate that are not babies/weddings, especially if they are single and child free. I really do think it’s a bit of a cheek that some of my friends have spent so much on my life choices and they don’t get the same opportunities for their life choices to be celebrated.

Having said all that, my experience of baby showers is that you buy gifts for the baby. The way I see it is you are all welcoming a new person into the world. It’s not so much about congratulating someone for reproducing (though, that’s pretty impressive if you ask me). It’s about offering support and love to the newest tiny member of your group/tribe/village. I think that’s meaningful and lovely.

Nope we aren’t giving to the baby. The baby doesn’t know we exist. We are giving to the parents so they don’t have to spend their money on buying the things we gift them.

Gifts for the children ARE gifts for the parents. They are your children. Remember that when your family decides to ‘only buy for the children’ at Christmas so those without children get no gifts but are, again, expected to waste their money on your family unit.

I expect it’s due to the terrible exhaustion that comes from having ‘meaning’ in ones life but it makes them crap friends. Maybe when their children go to university they will improve but I’ve long stepped back from most friends who are married with children. They tend to be selfish, thoughtless, entitled and some have done what has been demonstrated on this thread by calling single female friends ‘bitter’ for not wanting to always be the one giving of their time, money and energy - presumably because they either think we have nothing else to do or because they haven’t given it enough thought to even notice.

wow

the OP is not the only one who needs better friends.

@emilyfrost

Goodness, your entire self worth really is anchored to your ability to attract a mate and breed, isn’t it? Do you really think that’s an achievement? Every animal in the kingdom can do that. Those of us who choose not to don’t have unfulfilling lives - we just think it’s important folk like you get called out when you’re being selfish and self centred.

Have you never achieved anything in your own right? Nothing you’re proud of?

Never mind. Maybe your children will achieve something.

[quote Mmn654123]@emilyfrost

Goodness, your entire self worth really is anchored to your ability to attract a mate and breed, isn’t it? Do you really think that’s an achievement? Every animal in the kingdom can do that. Those of us who choose not to don’t have unfulfilling lives - we just think it’s important folk like you get called out when you’re being selfish and self centred.

Have you never achieved anything in your own right? Nothing you’re proud of?

Never mind. Maybe your children will achieve something.[/quote]
Spot on.

@winifredwells

I expect it’s due to the terrible exhaustion that comes from having ‘meaning’ in ones life but it makes them crap friends. Maybe when their children go to university they will improve but I’ve long stepped back from most friends who are married with children. They tend to be selfish, thoughtless, entitled and some have done what has been demonstrated on this thread by calling single female friends ‘bitter’ for not wanting to always be the one giving of their time, money and energy - presumably because they either think we have nothing else to do or because they haven’t given it enough thought to even notice.

wow

the OP is not the only one who needs better friends.

Long since worked that out - and most of my current friends are childless! Some are still trying to maintain friendship with the married parents but even they are realising they need to keep it fairly superficial and maybe one day their non-mommy personalities will re-emerge!! I have some I keep in loose contact with so when their kids are grown maybe we will reconnect but until then it’s really pointless.

@winifredwells

I expect it’s due to the terrible exhaustion that comes from having ‘meaning’ in ones life but it makes them crap friends. Maybe when their children go to university they will improve but I’ve long stepped back from most friends who are married with children. They tend to be selfish, thoughtless, entitled and some have done what has been demonstrated on this thread by calling single female friends ‘bitter’ for not wanting to always be the one giving of their time, money and energy - presumably because they either think we have nothing else to do or because they haven’t given it enough thought to even notice.

wow

the OP is not the only one who needs better friends.

One I still make lots of time for. But that’s because I think her husband is an abusive arsehole and eventually she will see that. And then she will need her friends.

@emilyfrost Bringing up children gives ones life a meaning and a purpose. If you don’t want to do that, fine, but don’t try to compare it to getting a pet or changing your job. If you want gifts for worthy and meaningful things in life, OP, you have to actually do those worthy and meaningful things.

Are you for real? As women in the 21st century, we can make choices about what will bring us meaning and purpose. For some, that might be raising children, for others it might be focusing on career or study...or something entirely different.

I’m someone who has actively chosen not to have children. I have broody urges, I have a stable partner, we are fit and healthy and presumably fertile, I am a primary teacher and I really like being around children. I have made a considered decision that having my own children will not bring meaning and purpose to my life.

I get a lot of meaning and purpose out of my child free life. I actually think having a child would hinder my progress in all the other meaningful and purposeful activities that I fill my time with.

Your comments are deeply offensive to those who want children but cannot have them.

I agree OP.
In this order:

Engagement party
Hen/stag party
Wedding party
Homecoming (from honeymoon party)
‘We’ve got a new house’ party
‘Housewarming’ party
‘We’re pregnant’ party
Party to reveal whether it’s a boy/girl
Baby shower party
Naming party

Some people like parties. I do not!

@Creamcustards

To the pp who noticed my title was sexist... fair point! I should have said spouses and parents.

To those who say jobs / pets etc aren’t “worthy” of gifts... Just proving my point really that some people’s achievements / milestones are valued more than others. You, in my view I’m sorry to say, are the problem!

To those who agree or are in the same position as me - thank you, and solidarity And I definitely need to make oet gifts and thing in my circle of friends.

Another OP who isn't asking AIBU at all. Just wants people to agree with them.

I get my friends’ pet a Christmas present. She buys one for my kid.
I’ve always been a bit grrr about costs of weddings, and more so hen dos.
Lockdown has made me miss the opportunity to mark events. I’m going to make more effort going forward. But I will still moan if it’s an expensive option coz I’m tight

@Goatinthegarden I couldn't agree more.

We are not all the same, so why would we all need the same things to give us purpose in life? I have never, not for a minute, regretted my childfree life.

Oh for god’s sake, posting an AIBU is absolutely seeking agreement/confirmation...don’t be so ridiculous.

What the actual /:?!’£& is a home coming party?! Never heard of that. Never been invited to a reveal party either. Sounds bizarre.

Some people are getting very angry for some reason!

I always give house warming gifts, when a friend gets a new place and I’m meeting a few friends tonight (outside) to celebrate two of us new jobs/ promotions. I also met up with a friend that got a new puppy to meet her and brought some pup treats- so I think we do celebrate things that aren’t marriage/ child related just not as formally?
I think it’s a good point that we should recognise all achievements not just the traditional ones.

@Missfelipe

I really wish people would stop saying growing a human is hard as though it were the equivalent of finding a cure for cancer...it’s not some mysterious process...it’s of course physically/emotionally incredibly hard for some (not all) but so are a lot of other things (which are not by choice). Let’s not pretend it requires some other worldly knowledge and skill. It really sick of the narrative that paints childless women as less and this goes right to it.

Also marriage is not life changing. I say this as a married person.

Have you had a child?