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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

531 replies

Creamcustards · 13/04/2021 21:55

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

OP posts:
Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 12:27

@Oneeyeopen

If you're single and childfree it's your birthday everyday!Smile To be serious though wedding gifts were originally given because people were young and had very little to set up home and we all know babies cost a fortune. Now, many couples don't need wedding gifts. It's seen more as a payment for the invite imo.
That is a very good point.

Since I've stopped buying so much for others, I have far more cash and I must admit I decided to celebrate the stops opening by indulging in a rather lovely diamond and ruby ring I'd been eyeing up before lockdown! Happy Monday to me!

And it's not really selfish - one day it will be inherited by a siblings child I expect, so it's almost like I've just bought them a gift........aren't I a lovely auntie??!

MiddleParking · 14/04/2021 12:27

I’m currently deciding whether to have one or not and it makes me sad that people would actually think that about me if I chose to have one.

The idea is that someone else throws one for you, thus making it not grabby. Lots of people would consider hosting your own to be bad form, given the implications of the word ‘shower’.

winifredwells · 14/04/2021 12:28

this is why the monthly "box" businesses got so successful Grin

(make up/ beauty products/ book/ stationary/ sweets/ tea and so on...)

You do pay for your membership, but you get what feels like a gift every month in the post. Genius. You don't have to be miffed anymore.

Hardbackwriter · 14/04/2021 12:30

But in a few it won't. There will be relatives or friends who are always giving and never receiving. Is it that hard to be mindful of that, to pay attention and when you recognise it, make sure those are the people you remember to send a thoughtful 'just because' gift to, once in a blue moon - possibly if you think they have something to celebrate but equally maybe if you think they are having a difficult time or indeed if you just see something you think they might like, for no reason at all?

Hang on, I'm supposed to be sending random gifts to anyone who bought me a wedding present if they aren't married themselves? What if they get married later, should I ask for the random gifts back?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/04/2021 12:35

But in a few it won't. There will be relatives or friends who are always giving and never receiving. Is it that hard to be mindful of that, to pay attention and when you recognise it, make sure those are the people you remember to send a thoughtful 'just because' gift to, once in a blue moon - possibly if you think they have something to celebrate but equally maybe if you think they are having a difficult time or indeed if you just see something you think they might like, for no reason at all

This is so well said. You sound like a lovely friend!

Hardbackwriter · 14/04/2021 12:37

Again, this just seems so patronising to me - 'ah, must send something to poor Joanne, she hasn't had any wedding or baby presents so she'll need compensatory gifts'. If I were sending a present to a friend because they were having a tough time, they had achieved something big or just because I saw something that made me think of them then whether or not I'd ever previously bought them a wedding or baby present wouldn't be part of my decision making process!

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:41

And vice versa - I'm not going to exclude mothers or married people from any further gifts in life on the basis 'they've already had enough!'

fattygoesswimming · 14/04/2021 12:41

Could it be because we care about the person and want to celebrate their marriage/new child?

SmellsLikeTeenBedroom · 14/04/2021 12:41

It's just celebrating a major life event. it's not like married people get given gifts all the time, just for being married. It's a celebration of the wedding. Some people get gifts when they get a new job or pass their driving test. It's no different.

thatsgotit · 14/04/2021 12:47

@winifredwells

It's depressing to be so bitter because you are single and childfree frankly. That's what comes out of this thread.
No. What comes out of this thread is that some (I said SOME) people who are parents really do consider themselves superior to the childless/childfree purely by virtue of having procreated. Some of these posts just reek of entitlement/a superiority complex.

Plus confirmation that SOME people with kids really do consider the childless/childfree person's life to be of lesser intrinsic worth.

That's what I find so depressing about this thread.

SwatchIt · 14/04/2021 12:48

@Creamcustards

I want to say “lighthearted” ..... but it’s kind of not!! I’m not materialistic... I just feel sad and aggrieved that some life choices are valued/celebrated more than others.
It is true some choices are celebrated more than others but there is that old tag line... life isn’t fair 🤷‍♀️

I always send my friends cards and sometimes presents or have celebration drinks and dinner for promotions and new jobs. I’ve specifically visited my friend who lived far away to meet her new kitten too 😊

Gwenhwyfar · 14/04/2021 12:50

As a single, childless, pet-free woman and having been reading the household tips and the hoovering thread, I think our gift is not having to hoover every day and spend 80% of our lives doing housework or childcare.
I don't like gifts anyway as I'm the only one who knows what I want and I think it can become quite a wasteful cycle of having to give gifts back.

TorringtonDean · 14/04/2021 12:51

I’d happily hand back every wedding present if I can have the money I paid out in the divorce settlement back! You win some, you lose some.

Goatinthegarden · 14/04/2021 12:57

@GeronimoHate well that’s what you do for your friends. I keep a large stock of different drinks in my house so I would be able to cater for friends too, although I wouldn’t be offended if they brought their own. I don’t tend to get offended at the things my friends do.

The friend that I am going to visit is a bit cash strapped but still invited me over for lunch and asked if I could bring something to drink. I’m ok with that. Different strokes.

winifredwells · 14/04/2021 12:59

Plus confirmation that SOME people with kids really do consider the childless/childfree person's life to be of lesser intrinsic worth.

That's what I find so depressing about this thread.

I don't know, in all the years I have been single and child free, not once have I ever felt inferior or even considered others would think of me as inferior.

Some people will always make judgements, but the majority of the unhappy ones are projecting and giving themselves far more importance than they have.

Peaplant20 · 14/04/2021 13:02

@MiddleParking I never said I was throwing it myself but my sister and mum would like to know if I actually want one before going to the effort of organising one. I wouldn’t judge someone if they threw their own though it’s not something I would even notice/ think about. I think it rather snooty if your first thought it “Oo they’re throwing their own baby shower how tacky.” Just let people celebrate and have fun and don’t go if you don’t want to join in.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 14/04/2021 13:06

My mum (who is a grandma through my siblings many times) buys Christmas presents for my cat. I think she finds it a bit daft, but I really appreciate the gesture of recognising that my cat is very important to me, even if she doesn't empathise with that.

jebthesheep · 14/04/2021 13:12

Why do you assume every mum gets presents? Baby showers are far from universal and when family turn up with a few baby clothes and essentials I can assure you that none of them fit me! They are the most literal birth day presents for a baby - you only really hear about the presents that happen and then mostly about the big ones, I don’t get wife presents either and then I don’t post about it because nothing happened, there’s millions of people having no big deal not happening stuff everyday. I’m not sure we even noticed our 10th wedding anniversary ( note I said we not he ! ) I’m bemused by the idea that the person that I married would buy be something on mother’s day too - I’m not his mum , all I want is some enthusiastic coloring in or a little message from the small one. It’s not everyone, just people who like to do stuff like that anyway and marketing jumping on the bandwagon.
Empower yourself - declare happy me day and get yourself a treat.Grin

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 14/04/2021 13:15

I’m with you op. I’ve had no gifts despite house moves, major life threatening surgery, radiotherapy more than once, new jobs, return after long term illness, and even some birthdays. At the most, I’ve got cards, which is lovely but also highlights who the friends really are (3 of them). I’ve given up even hoping someone will acknowledge a life event for me. Not only single, childless and apparently friendless, I am also sibling and cousin less so once my parents die, that’s it. I still buy and send cards for others but when you don’t even get a thank you, I wonder what’s the point. I’m not bitter any more, just accepting there is something unlikeable about me. My life is, going forward, focussed on me, job, pets and being as nice as I can be.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 13:15

@Hardbackwriter

But in a few it won't. There will be relatives or friends who are always giving and never receiving. Is it that hard to be mindful of that, to pay attention and when you recognise it, make sure those are the people you remember to send a thoughtful 'just because' gift to, once in a blue moon - possibly if you think they have something to celebrate but equally maybe if you think they are having a difficult time or indeed if you just see something you think they might like, for no reason at all?

Hang on, I'm supposed to be sending random gifts to anyone who bought me a wedding present if they aren't married themselves? What if they get married later, should I ask for the random gifts back?

No you can let them keep those - most likely you will find they will balance it up again with gifts to you, unless they become one of those selfish self absorbed smug married mums! Which of course is a risk, as this thread demonstrates......

And no, not anyone who got you a gift - just friends and family. People who are in your life. So you should know who they are really and it should be easy enough to remember whether you have ever bought them anything in return for all the times they have spent money on you attending hen do's, weddings, christenings, giving gifts for your childrens birthday and christmas or whatever is relevant to that individual - if those people exist and you don't recall giving them back any gifts when they have done the above, then you are that person. Check yourself.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 13:16

@YetAnotherSpartacus

But in a few it won't. There will be relatives or friends who are always giving and never receiving. Is it that hard to be mindful of that, to pay attention and when you recognise it, make sure those are the people you remember to send a thoughtful 'just because' gift to, once in a blue moon - possibly if you think they have something to celebrate but equally maybe if you think they are having a difficult time or indeed if you just see something you think they might like, for no reason at all

This is so well said. You sound like a lovely friend!

Why thank you!

I've certainly wised up. All the money I would have spent on selfish gits I now spend as above and it makes me much happier.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 13:17

@fattygoesswimming

Could it be because we care about the person and want to celebrate their marriage/new child?
Absolutely! And then you should see evidence of their care for you at some point.

When you don't, you stop.

MiddleParking · 14/04/2021 13:17

The thread doesn’t really demonstrate the ‘risk of becoming a smug married mum’ in any sense other than that you keep posting about how selfish married mothers are Confused

CounsellorTroi · 14/04/2021 13:18

@CherryCherries

I don't mind giving gifts for a new baby or a wedding but what I do hate is when you arrive and it gets put on a table and you don't get a thank you after! Or weddings which have a postbox for envelopes containing money or vouchers (that they requested) and again you don't get a thank you! So rude!

Or people who expect gifts at a baby shower then another gift when baby is born!

I know what you mean. I was invited to a milestone birthday party, took a lovely gift (necklace) it was just put with a huge pile of presents and we never got a personal thank you, she put a general thank you for all the gifts message on FB.
winifredwells · 14/04/2021 13:19

I’ve had no gifts despite house moves, major life threatening surgery, radiotherapy more than once, new jobs, return after long term illness, and even some birthdays.

it's very sad, but are you really saying that you would have had gifts for all the occasions above if you had been a mother? Confused