Page 15 | To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

Creamcustards · 2021-04-13T20:55:56+00:00

Inspired by the baby shower thread. What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!? Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money! Grr.

GeronimoHate · 14/04/2021 11:50

@Goatinthegarden I cater for my guests - including buying the alcohol they drink - I find bringing your own drink a bit rude - like you don’t trust your host to remember to cater for you.

WeekendCEO · 14/04/2021 11:55

I like to give gifts for a new baby. It’s exciting that a new person is in the world and having a baby can be expensive so it’s nice to give a gift. Also something for mum as it’s such a special time.

I find gifts for weddings a bit ridiculous. Most people who get married now have lived together already so have everything they need. Asking for money or saying ‘we don’t expect anything but if you insist, money will be best’ sort of thing just makes me 🙄. I do go along with it though just for a quiet life. Big, expensive weddings especially abroad are the worst. ‘Pay thousands of pounds to watch us get married...and don’t forget the extra cost of a gift on top.’ Really annoys me. We don’t attend those but do send a gift, again for a quiet life. If a young relative of mine moves out to their own place then I’m more than happy to get a nice gift or cash to help them out.

We’ve had family members have a strop because we haven’t sent them an anniversary card and gift. . Why the hell would/should the day you got married 6 years ago be something I remember? I find it a bit self indulgent that people think others should care.

I’ve definitely bought presents for new pets. 😂 Just a few toys/treats for a new cat or dog when I’ve gone to visit.

Devlesko · 14/04/2021 11:55

Of course you don't understand being single and childfree
If you weren't you'd probably understand.
Baby showers didn't happen when I had mine, but people would visit when baby was born and bring a small gift for baby, maybe something smelly and luxurious for the mother.
I don't see the harm tbh.

slashlover · 14/04/2021 11:55

@MiddleParking

I also think it's unbelievably patronising to buy someone who doesn't have children the equivalent of a new baby gift for their pet, but there are apparently lots of people on this thread who would welcome it!

That would be my issue with it. Comes across like a major backhander. What age do you start it? When you think they’re too old for marriage and kids and need pet gifts in lieu? What if they disagree?!

My friends buy Christmas presents for my cat. I buy for them and their kids and they buy for me and the cat. It's not patronising in the least, it's not in lieu of kids/marriage, it's because the cat is important to me and they know that.

Allwokedup · 14/04/2021 11:55

Ok Carrie Bradshaw.

poppycat10 · 14/04/2021 11:55

I don't think I have ever had a gift for being a "wife" - I obviously get presents from my husband but that's because we're family. We had a wedding and got presents then but that was one event.

I did get a ring as a present for having my son but after carrying him for 9 months and giving birth I deserved something special! And I stopped at one child so haven't cost the relatives and friends too much in presents. I didn't have a baby shower - nonsensical, self-indulgent, grabby. I did get presents for the baby but that was because people wanted to, not because I had an event and demanded they bring me something.

Ilovemaisie · 14/04/2021 11:57

BlackWave someone doesn't have to throw a party to get gifts. I have never been to a baby shower (I don't even know anyone who has ever had one) but I have still given a gift for the new baby. Do you only ever get gifts when you throw a party?

CherryCherries · 14/04/2021 12:00

I don't mind giving gifts for a new baby or a wedding but what I do hate is when you arrive and it gets put on a table and you don't get a thank you after! Or weddings which have a postbox for envelopes containing money or vouchers (that they requested) and again you don't get a thank you! So rude!

Or people who expect gifts at a baby shower then another gift when baby is born!

grapewine · 14/04/2021 12:00

@Temp023

Goodness, you are a bitter lot. If you really don’t want a baby why come on a parenting website?

We genuinely have this question every week these days. If you really wonder maybe search for one of the many, many threads from posters equally as curious as you.

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:01

I honestly feel that people are living in a different world. I didn't marry, therefore, no wedding presents. Am I supposed to feel resentment about this? Should I have gotten compensatory co-habitation presents?

Got one (inexpensive) necklace on birth of first child. OK. I guess that's my socially sanctioned 'extra'.

Besides that, I get birthday and Christmas presents in the same way other unmarried non-mothers do.

What world is this where wives and mothers are constantly being showered with gifts?!

It's all most peculiar.

Rukaya · 14/04/2021 12:05

I’m not materialistic... I just feel sad and aggrieved that some life choices are valued/celebrated more than others

What life choices do you think you should have got gifts for, and didn't?

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:05

@Ilovemaisie

BlackWave someone doesn't have to throw a party to get gifts. I have never been to a baby shower (I don't even know anyone who has ever had one) but I have still given a gift for the new baby. Do you only ever get gifts when you throw a party?

I neither throw parties for the hamsters nor receive gifts for the hamsters.

A pet party is a very different thing to a baby being born. Of course I send a gift for new actual human children!

Missfelipe · 14/04/2021 12:06

@BlackWaveComing I used to work with a group of women who were all friends outside of work and used to refer to items purchased (things like make up, perfume etc) by their husbands for them as ‘wife treats’. It made my skin crawl to be honest.

Ilovemaisie · 14/04/2021 12:07

BlackWave I got married but didn't get gifts because I didn't have a wedding - unless you count the lucky sixpence my sister stuck to a card. I didn't get gifts when I had my baby - my baby did. Couple of cute outfits and a a cuddly toy duck if I remember correctly.

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:08

[quote Missfelipe]@BlackWaveComing I used to work with a group of women who were all friends outside of work and used to refer to items purchased (things like make up, perfume etc) by their husbands for them as ‘wife treats’. It made my skin crawl to be honest.[/quote]
Gross.
Not the norm in my circles.

Ilovemaisie · 14/04/2021 12:10

BlackWave when my friends got some hamsters we bought some hamster treats for the hammies because at the time my daughter was aged about 4 and she was excited by the hamsters and wanted to do something nice.
The hamsters didn't have a party although we did race them in their ball things.

Peaplant20 · 14/04/2021 12:13

So many people saying baby showers are ‘grabby,’ what a cynical view of the world to have! I try to think the best of people not the worst. I’m currently deciding whether to have one or not and it makes me sad that people would actually think that about me if I chose to have one. Honestly, if someone doesn’t want to come and celebrate with me then I don’t want them there so don’t trouble yourself. I’d be sad if I wasn’t invited to a friends baby shower as I want to celebrate with them. The main reason for having one would be an excuse to celebrate and get together (which I will find any opportunity to do - I’m always throwing dinner parties, Halloween parties, New Years parties without expecting anything in return), to get advise from other mums and to play games and have fun. My friend had a ‘baby shower’ last year but because of lockdown it ended up being a drop in sort of session and as I live far away I didn’t go but I did FaceTime her and send a gift anyway - I’d have sent her a gift regardless of whether she had a baby shower or not, and whether I went or not. So, no, a baby shower is not thrown to get gifts from friends and family, if people want to give a baby a gift they will do it regardless.

Also, more of a trivial point by why are so many people saying no one throws you a big party for your graduation? I’ve graduated twice and both times the uni puts on a huge graduation event with food, drinks, decorations and photographers! You spend the whole day/ evening revelling in your achievement with friends and family and lots of people then go out for a celebratory meal. If that’s not a celebration I don’t know what is! And if you want further celebrations than that they throw yourself a party!

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:15

@Ilovemaisie

BlackWave I got married but didn't get gifts because I didn't have a wedding - unless you count the lucky sixpence my sister stuck to a card. I didn't get gifts when I had my baby - my baby did. Couple of cute outfits and a a cuddly toy duck if I remember correctly.

Yes, babies get baby gifts. To celebrate being a new person who needs onesies :) My babies got gifts too. They weren't my gifts!

Idk. It's never occured to me I ought to be bothered about gifts, tbh. I can't recall any graduation gifts, new job gifts...until now I wasn't aware this was any kind of problem!

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:15

@Ilovemaisie

BlackWave when my friends got some hamsters we bought some hamster treats for the hammies because at the time my daughter was aged about 4 and she was excited by the hamsters and wanted to do something nice. The hamsters didn't have a party although we did race them in their ball things.

That's actually v cute.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 12:17

@YetAnotherSpartacus

I wish I had lots of gifts as a reward for over 20 years of caring for elderly parents.

Yes I'm sure few people ever bothered to recognise that. I have a friend in that position and occasionally send her a random something by post just to cheer her up if I know she's has a rough month. It's not difficult but few people bother to even think about it.

Ilovemaisie · 14/04/2021 12:18

BlackWave sadly the hammies are long gone now. RIP little hamster dudes

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:19

I don't know what ppl think happens for mothers, but the idea that we are all swimming in gifts every day to recognise us as mothers is very weird. Most care work goes unappreciated, sadly, and motherhood is no exception.

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 12:20

@Ilovemaisie

BlackWave sadly the hammies are long gone now. RIP little hamster dudes

Ours are long gone too...they were good little friends while they were with us.

Oneeyeopen · 14/04/2021 12:24

If you're single and childfree it's your birthday everyday!
To be serious though wedding gifts were originally given because people were young and had very little to set up home and we all know babies cost a fortune.
Now, many couples don't need wedding gifts.
It's seen more as a payment for the invite imo.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 12:24

@Peaplant20

So many people saying baby showers are ‘grabby,’ what a cynical view of the world to have! I try to think the best of people not the worst. I’m currently deciding whether to have one or not and it makes me sad that people would actually think that about me if I chose to have one. Honestly, if someone doesn’t want to come and celebrate with me then I don’t want them there so don’t trouble yourself. I’d be sad if I wasn’t invited to a friends baby shower as I want to celebrate with them. The main reason for having one would be an excuse to celebrate and get together (which I will find any opportunity to do - I’m always throwing dinner parties, Halloween parties, New Years parties without expecting anything in return), to get advise from other mums and to play games and have fun. My friend had a ‘baby shower’ last year but because of lockdown it ended up being a drop in sort of session and as I live far away I didn’t go but I did FaceTime her and send a gift anyway - I’d have sent her a gift regardless of whether she had a baby shower or not, and whether I went or not. So, no, a baby shower is not thrown to get gifts from friends and family, if people want to give a baby a gift they will do it regardless.

Also, more of a trivial point by why are so many people saying no one throws you a big party for your graduation? I’ve graduated twice and both times the uni puts on a huge graduation event with food, drinks, decorations and photographers! You spend the whole day/ evening revelling in your achievement with friends and family and lots of people then go out for a celebratory meal. If that’s not a celebration I don’t know what is! And if you want further celebrations than that they throw yourself a party!

What is expected is that when your friends and family give you gifts, you pay attention to ensuring that at some point you reciprocate. That's all.

In most cases, that happens naturally.

But in a few it won't. There will be relatives or friends who are always giving and never receiving. Is it that hard to be mindful of that, to pay attention and when you recognise it, make sure those are the people you remember to send a thoughtful 'just because' gift to, once in a blue moon - possibly if you think they have something to celebrate but equally maybe if you think they are having a difficult time or indeed if you just see something you think they might like, for no reason at all?

My childless friends do this. But most with children become so absorbed with their own family they just stop paying attention to anything but themselves. Sadly.