Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

531 replies

Creamcustards · 13/04/2021 21:55

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

OP posts:
TabbyM · 14/04/2021 11:22

Fair point. I have one (unmarried) friend who received a lot of gifts after moving house, she rightfully pointed out that compared to her sister (married, divorced, 3 kids) she was missing out on all this stuff.

For our wedding we were young and needed a lot of stuff but so does anyone moving out of home properly for the first time! We did get some useless crap as well as handy towels/ cash though.

My family are quite rubbish generally with remembering birthdays so I have low expectations.

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 11:23

I'm just astounded people think getting a new pet is an occasion to be marked with gifts from one's friends. How bizarre.

SVRT19674 · 14/04/2021 11:23

My, what a lot of bitter souls on here.
If I hear having a child is a lifestyle choice again I will bloody scream!
Buying an SUV, a house with garden, going on expensive holidays are lifestyle choices. Having a child is on a category of its own. Pffffffffffffff!

Hardbackwriter · 14/04/2021 11:23

Fair point. I have one (unmarried) friend who received a lot of gifts after moving house, she rightfully pointed out that compared to her sister (married, divorced, 3 kids) she was missing out on all this stuff.

Pointed out to who? If her parents then fair enough. If the world at large then that's embarrassingly grabby!

Hardbackwriter · 14/04/2021 11:25

@BlackWaveComing

I'm just astounded people think getting a new pet is an occasion to be marked with gifts from one's friends. How bizarre.
I also think it's unbelievably patronising to buy someone who doesn't have children the equivalent of a new baby gift for their pet, but there are apparently lots of people on this thread who would welcome it!
CounsellorTroi · 14/04/2021 11:26

@SVRT19674

My, what a lot of bitter souls on here. If I hear having a child is a lifestyle choice again I will bloody scream! Buying an SUV, a house with garden, going on expensive holidays are lifestyle choices. Having a child is on a category of its own. Pffffffffffffff!
But it is still a choice.
namechangemay21 · 14/04/2021 11:30

@winifredwells not a grump! Just not a big party person.

And trying to make the point that you can't resent weddings / baby showers but expect people to make the effort for your birthday every year.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 11:30

@Temp023

Goodness, you are a bitter lot. If you really don’t want a baby why come on a parenting website?
Initially, many years ago, to see if the selfishness of my parent friends was unique to them - I established it wasn't, but stayed because it's hilarious here!
CherryCherries · 14/04/2021 11:30

This reminds me of an episode in Sex and the City where carrie married herself so her friend would by her shoes she'd registered for!

(The friend should have replaced said shoes after they were stolen during a party at her house because she insisted everyone take their shoes off.) But I just remember carrie walking down the street whining saying she's forked out hundreds of dollars buying gifts for her married friends with children but as a single woman she gets nothing!

Ilovemaisie · 14/04/2021 11:32

BlackWave the reason I would buy a gift to a friend for getting a new pet is because I like animals. It's a fun and nice thing to do. I couldn't see family this Christmas for the obvious reason but I was very happy to buy and send presents for the pets in the family as well as the humans.
I do it because it's nice.

winifredwells · 14/04/2021 11:33

@BlackWaveComing

I'm just astounded people think getting a new pet is an occasion to be marked with gifts from one's friends. How bizarre.
that's not what anyone is saying.

But if you throw a party because you have a new pet, you'll get gifts..

And I do have friends who exchange gifts for new pets between them, some of them even have kids too!

MiddleParking · 14/04/2021 11:33

I also think it's unbelievably patronising to buy someone who doesn't have children the equivalent of a new baby gift for their pet, but there are apparently lots of people on this thread who would welcome it!

That would be my issue with it. Comes across like a major backhander. What age do you start it? When you think they’re too old for marriage and kids and need pet gifts in lieu? What if they disagree?!

Crispina · 14/04/2021 11:34

I saw the Sex and the City episode about this too. It was the one where she had her Manolos stolen at a baby shower I think

YetAnotherSpartacus · 14/04/2021 11:35

I wish I had lots of gifts as a reward for over 20 years of caring for elderly parents.

BiBabbles · 14/04/2021 11:36

I think it's interesting how jobs are seen as easy and not really something comparable even though people can spend so much effort and self image on their career and it's part of what enables people to survive. I think it comes into play the going back and forth idea of some people seeing something as hard meaning it deserves something while others discuss the same thing as easy.

Maybe it's because I've had a career pulled out from under me due to health issues and know others who've had the same. I've been there when someone, after years of surgery, physical rehabilitation, and fears he'd never be employable again and be stuck constantly proving his medical needs to the government to survive, got the call that he was being offered a position. I imagine we may have confused the person offering as he started to cry and then I started to cry. I honestly found that far more life changing, worthy of acknowledgement (and involved far more new expenses and things to consider) than when I married someone I was already living with.

Maybe there needs to be more acknowledgement that some life things some find easy, are things others practically break themselves down for trying to achieve.

When a couple choses to elope, apart from parents and siblings possibly, how do you think others celebrate?
People get presents when they get married or have a christening etc because they organise an event and invite friends and family.

I eloped, and was sent gifts months after we married from people after they found out. Mostly older people within my spouse's family, but I remember all of them.

When I organized a 10th anniversary party, what we joked as our very belated reception, I don't recall getting presents. I didn't expect them either, people coming was enough. We were going through a shite time as a family (his brother ended up unable to make it as he was too shattered from chemo, we would lose him and five others in the few year after), it was just enough to bring as many people together as we could and have something nice.

With children, especially my first, I got gifts from people that I didn't even know, still haven't met because they were friends with my in-laws and some people just like an excuse to buy cute things. I didn't have a baby shower, didn't organize any sort of party -- some people just like buying things and found their friend's son having a kid a suitable excuse. I've found myself more than once being the receptacle for other people's desire to buy kids' stuff - it's nice, but it's not anything I've organized.

Our culture and all cultures have gifts to incentivise these occasions.

Many predecessors to modern baby showers were about acknowledging the risks the mother was going through, and giving her physical and spiritual sustenance for the latter parts of pregnancy and early new born days (and in some traditions purification in case the worst happened). It was less incentivizing, more ritualizing the help given at a risky time in life.

Some cultures still do that, but I wouldn't say British cultures do. I don't think baby showers or the random gift giving I experienced are incentives - they're rooted in helping to carry the load, but in practice it's just a way of connecting through gift giving, the gift giving being what British culture tends to incentivize more than connecting.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 11:37

@SVRT19674

My, what a lot of bitter souls on here. If I hear having a child is a lifestyle choice again I will bloody scream! Buying an SUV, a house with garden, going on expensive holidays are lifestyle choices. Having a child is on a category of its own. Pffffffffffffff!
No it isn't. Having a child is a lifestyle choice just as having an SUV is. We aren't actually animals - we can control our biological urges and we have contraception so of course it's a lifestyle choice.

'Category of it's own'. Honestly!

Sausageroll67 · 14/04/2021 11:41

@SVRT19674

My, what a lot of bitter souls on here. If I hear having a child is a lifestyle choice again I will bloody scream! Buying an SUV, a house with garden, going on expensive holidays are lifestyle choices. Having a child is on a category of its own. Pffffffffffffff!
It IS a lifestyle choice!

I’m not bitter, I have a house, a nice sports car, a garden, a dog. I go on expensive holidays outside pandemics. I have a good job and also a husband.

It’s not bitter to push back against the mummy narrative of “I deserrrrrrrrve presents as I had a child!”

Laggartha · 14/04/2021 11:42

It's not a zero sum game. There isn't a limit on what can be celebrated and appreciated. Don't seek out scarcity; create abundance.

MiddleParking · 14/04/2021 11:43

@CherryCherries

This reminds me of an episode in Sex and the City where carrie married herself so her friend would by her shoes she'd registered for!

(The friend should have replaced said shoes after they were stolen during a party at her house because she insisted everyone take their shoes off.) But I just remember carrie walking down the street whining saying she's forked out hundreds of dollars buying gifts for her married friends with children but as a single woman she gets nothing!

This is what I mean - she then went on to get actually married! (In the most bratty, wasteful way possible but that’s not really relevant...) You can’t just start writing your friends off as past it and giving them booby prizes!
hilariousnamehere · 14/04/2021 11:43

@winifredwells

but my sadness lies in the fact that even for big birthdays, there will be people who can't be arsed to attend because it's just a birthday.

if you read MN, you'll see that they are evenly balanced with people allergic to weddings!

Grin
grapewine · 14/04/2021 11:46

@SVRT19674

My, what a lot of bitter souls on here. If I hear having a child is a lifestyle choice again I will bloody scream! Buying an SUV, a house with garden, going on expensive holidays are lifestyle choices. Having a child is on a category of its own. Pffffffffffffff!
Of course, it's a lifestyle choice. You make a choice to have a child because you want them. It's hardly altruistic.
JassyRadlett · 14/04/2021 11:46

Without weighing in on what’s better or more deserving, it’s notable in society that our celebrations tend to centre around people and families - and weddings/births/christenings are at the apex of changing a family by adding another person or creating another family.

I agree it’s a hark back to a more traditional past that those family-centred celebrations are given more weight than those with a more economic focus. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad.

BlackWaveComing · 14/04/2021 11:48

Throwing a party for a new pet is even stranger than buying presents for someone else's new pet. I cannot imagine anyone over ten throwing a party for the new cat.

slashlover · 14/04/2021 11:49

@booksandnooks

Surely you give presents to people who are getting married because that was when they were just starting out living together and so they needed a houseful of things and that is expensive. Similarly having a baby is expensive (cot and pram etc) so people help toward that. Getting a promotion is the opposite of expensive. if one of my friends wanted me to give them a present for earning more money... well... I'd laugh in their face because in my world when people get a promotion they treat everybody else to a celebration meal or takeaway or just a drink.

It has changed now, people tend to live together for years before marrying or having children so they have what they need but thats where the tradition comes from.

Those poor, poor people being forced to get married and have babies.

They CHOSE to do expensive things.

winifredwells · 14/04/2021 11:49

@BlackWaveComing

Throwing a party for a new pet is even stranger than buying presents for someone else's new pet. I cannot imagine anyone over ten throwing a party for the new cat.
after a year of lockdown, if someone wants to throw a party for a new petunia, I am in!