To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

The gracious way to repay the kindness of an invitation is to reciprocally invite your hosts to something you organize. Not to show up with merchandise.

wow, that's how you describe gifts? "merchandise"?
Some of you really are bitter. How did you get that bad.

@scubadive

Unbelievably ignorant title although baby showers have become ridiculously commercial and seemingly grabby.

Being a mum and a parent is bloody hard work and a thankless task. Generally mums are taken for granted and spend their lives looking after and clearing up after other people. There are not enough moments in the year to make recognition of this fact, day after day of hard work is recognised one in a blue moon.

I would think you could app,y this to your own mum if not as a mum yourself.

You CHOSE it though.

@CounsellorTroi

Baby showers are really giving gifts for the baby.

Do you think, by that logic, that a housewarming gift is really for the house, not the person who lives there?

it's very rare to gift a pair of shoes or a spa day to the host, generally housewarming gifts ARE to be used in the house/ garden, yes

“Being a mum and a parent is bloody hard work and a thankless task. Generally mums are taken for granted and spend their lives looking after and clearing up after other people. There are not enough moments in the year to make recognition of this fact, day after day of hard work is recognised one in a blue moon.”

Boo hoo. 😂

Get over yourself, it always has and always will look like a complete life of drudgery to me which is why I chose not to do it. Don’t be a mummy martyr cos you chose to. You’re not special or unique (and neither am I)

@winifredwells

Have you never achieved anything in your own right? Nothing you’re proud of?

what do we get when we managed to do both? Have children and achieved things?

An obituary in The Times!

@Ponoka7

"Why? No one forced you to reproduce"

Society and the world needs people. You might not value that now, as my childfree sister didn't. But she does now since she's retired and needs some care. All those WC/benefit top up people gave us the essential workers that we have relied on.

So you had kids out of a sense of duty to the world, rather than because you really really wanted them?

@SpringtimeSummertime

HumunaHey My point was it being downplayed and likened to buying a pet. Seeking out a cure for cancer (e.g. given by PP) is a choice. By your logic, because they sought out that cure, we shouldn't bother celebrate it.

You agree that seeking a cure for cancer and the same as choosing to have children?
You must do, you’ve used it as an example.
I think I’ll leave it there with you

Why so bitter? So curing cancer is now the threshold to receive gifts?

Do you say that even someone says an exam is hard etc. Or is it reserved for having kids? There's obviously a reason why🙄

I’ve never been to a baby shower but I’ve given gifts for new babies - clothes or toys. They aren’t for the mum but for the child. People are normally happy at the arrival of a baby - new life and hope for us all, even if there are plenty of people in the world! It’s a positive thing, particularly if you have lost people you love.

Marriage is not a good institution. It took me two decades of being married to figure it out! But if someone is having such an expensive party then it would be rude to not give a decent gift. Again, I’ve gone to the weddings of both male and female friends. It’s not just something for women!

Having a child might seem easy or “common” if viewed in a cold objective way. But anyone who has done it would know it is damned hard. Having a pet doesn’t compare - they are much easier! I’ve had them too and nobody threw a party. Yes the planet is overpopulated but we do still need someone to have kids! The celebrations are really part of the whole “it takes a village” thing. You do need people around you.

I keep changing my mind which side of the fence I'm on. I am married and have children but didn't have baby showers as don't like them. We didn't have a gift list for our wedding and put in a note saying that we didn't expect anything but if people wanted to give something we would gratefully accepted whatever they chose. Majority of people gave money.

I really love choosing presents to make people feel special, but don't tend to give them for specific occasions other than birthdays, weddings and babies. If I think a friend is a bit down or having a hard time, I like to pop a surprise in the post etc. but I probably could do a better job of making my unmarried and child free friends feel the love.

It's because having a child is expensive, obviously. The 'gifts' are practical things like clothes or toys or furniture for the baby. Things like flowers are comparable to how you might bring flowers to someone aftr any procedure / recovery time from something.

Presents are typically from friends and family who want to help out or welcome the new child. Same for weddings, traditionally to help a young couple set up.

it's very rare to gift a pair of shoes or a spa day to the host, generally housewarming gifts ARE to be used in the house/ garden, yes grin

But they are usually meant to enhance the comfort/beauty of the house. Things like throws/candles/candleholders etc. I doubt the house itself appreciates them, any more than a newborn appreciates anything bought for them.

It’s because events like those mentioned bring pleasure into lives and give us a lift. Of course if you just don’t want to make the effort to give a little joy to someone that is up to you. Baby showers can also be really helpful to pregnant mums and a pleasure to give to. If you are short of money then a card or some small thing just acknowledges and marks an event.

I selected YABU because this sound like a woe is me why dont I get a free ride rant.

Life isnt fair, some people get cars for their 18th birthday and things like that it doesnt mean its common or your are owed it just because someone else is lucky and privilage etc... if you made a life choice not to get married/have children you cant complain that you dont get what you 'percieve' to be the benefits of that.

I dont think anyone is owed things for any life event... I am married with children, didnt recieve much from anyone except our parents and certainly didnt expect anything from anyone it seems such a narcassistic life stance to think your entitled to gifts for anything.

Wedding gifts arent that common in my circle and if they are given they are usually token gifts (bottle of wine, keepsake or small amount of money like £20)

People outside of close family usually only gift the first born and its usually a teddy or an outfit or a book etc... but that is for the child and also the childs birthday when you think about it so not remotely comparable to 'getting a pet'

People who are married/have children also dont get 'showered' with gifts for new jobs or pets either, why do you expect special treatment?

@GeronimoHate

I’m not rude, I never go anywhere empty handed. I’m going to sit in a friend’s garden today and have bought flowers, baked a cake and will be taking my own drinks. I wouldn’t turn up at an event without a gift. I'd find that level of gift giving too much - I'd have to have a quiet word about next time - not being excessive - I had to do that with a friend who used to stay with us every summer for a couple of nights - I honestly found her gift giving excessive, embarrassing and completely unnecessary - it felt like she was trying to pay me for the room. A bottle of wine is a lovely thought, stop there.

I bake a lot of cakes. My friends usually expect I’ll bring a cake to share it cost less than a couple of £s to bake a lemon drizzle cake. I drink different things to friend, so it’s just my own alcohol for me and not a gift. Friend is making lunch.

The flowers are a small bunch of spring tulips like I would shove in the trolley for myself when doing the weekly shop.

Therefore probably cheaper than a bottle of wine...

YANBU OP - I stopped going to friends' weddings and hen parties and baby showers when I discovered I'd spent more than £10,000 doing so in my twenties. I'm single very much by choice and happy, definitely don't want kids, and I understand where you're coming from.

My friends are actually brilliant and have organised and attended and brought gifts to a few events relating to my business and my home and my cats, so I'm lucky - we are a bunch that like to celebrate and mark all sorts of things in each other's lives.

I'd actually be fine with no gifts so I don't have to marry a twat or push a baby out of my foof and be responsible for it for the rest of my life, but my sadness lies in the fact that even for big birthdays, there will be people who can't be arsed to attend because it's just a birthday.

Those same people will move heaven and earth, get babysitters and spend a small fortune to attend a wedding of people they don't even know that well, because it's a wedding.

And that has always made me slightly sad, but also acts as an excellent filter

but my sadness lies in the fact that even for big birthdays, there will be people who can't be arsed to attend because it's just a birthday.

if you read MN, you'll see that they are evenly balanced with people allergic to weddings!

Goodness, you are a bitter lot.
If you really don’t want a baby why come on a parenting website?

@Temp023

Goodness, you are a bitter lot. If you really don’t want a baby why come on a parenting website?

Bingo! 😂😂😂

@Creamcustards

Why are you friends with people if you resent celebrating happy and big events in their life? Because you might not get it ‘back’?

I do nice things for my friends because I like them and am excited for them, not because I’m banking it to be ‘repaid’ at a later date.

@hilariousnamehere but a wedding (should be) a once in a life time event to celebrate with your all loved ones? Birthdays happen every year. I can't even be bothered with my own birthday, it's just not a big deal when you get older.

I think expecting a big fuss or party every year for your birthday is OTT.

[quote namechangemay21]@hilariousnamehere but a wedding (should be) a once in a life time event to celebrate with your all loved ones? Birthdays happen every year. I can't even be bothered with my own birthday, it's just not a big deal when you get older.

I think expecting a big fuss or party every year for your birthday is OTT.[/quote]
you are a grump!

Life is too short, any friend party is a good party if you ask me. And birthday parties have cakes. What's not to like.

Hen dos are now completely over the top (what was wrong with going to the local Chinese for dinner with friends) and baby showers are completely naff (have always refused to go). However giving a present for a new baby is quite a nice thing to do IMO.

You do know at Christmas most people stop giving you proper presents once you have children? Just the kids get gifts. So you are onto a winner in the longterm

Surely you give presents to people who are getting married because that was when they were just starting out living together and so they needed a houseful of things and that is expensive.
Similarly having a baby is expensive (cot and pram etc) so people help toward that.
Getting a promotion is the opposite of expensive.
if one of my friends wanted me to give them a present for earning more money... well... I'd laugh in their face because in my world when people get a promotion they treat everybody else to a celebration meal or takeaway or just a drink.

It has changed now, people tend to live together for years before marrying or having children so they have what they need but thats where the tradition comes from.

I dunno, ten years of PTSD from the birth of my daughter has earnt me a card a year tbh.