To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

[Creamcustards]

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

@VestaTilley

Being a mother is bone shatteringly hard.

There can never be enough gifts to throw in to the void in our souls that exist in most women after we become mothers.

YABVU.

Yet so many people do it /"achieve it" but a PhD or completing a marathon are rarer....so why dont they get celebrated equally?

(I'm being light hearted and just playing devils advocate.....but it is odd when you think about it objectively that motherhood is seen as being such an achievement and so "shatteringly hard", yet it is so common!)

ChiefBaby that bag is brilliant

These are life events. If you want the gifts, go out and have one of these life events.

What a ridiculous complaint to have.

Making the decision to complete my masters while working and supporting myself to have a complete career change is one of the things I am most proud of ever having achieved....second to completing my first marathon, and having the courage to leave a long term relationship even if it meant some financial instability. People say "well done", maybe buy you a drink...that's about it

I think this post is meant light heartedly and some people are getting a bit OTT. But I do agree that sometimes that we go a bit overboard as a society on babies and weddings when there are other things women are quite rightly proud of. It's notthat one is better tthan the other but about acknowledging that women and our important experiences are not only about marriage and babies

@winifredwells

There’s a big difference between buying an unasked for gift for a loved one because you want to, and having to buy a gift because you have been summoned to an event where you must give a gift.

you are not summoned, don't go if you have that attitude.

How rude to think you can turn up and enjoy a free party but begrudge spending a few pounds to thank the host and celebrate whatever they are celebrating.

I’m not rude, I never go anywhere empty handed. I’m going to sit in a friend’s garden today and have bought flowers, baked a cake and will be taking my own drinks. I wouldn’t turn up at an event without a gift.

The difference here is that the host today is not having the event with the expectation of a gift. A baby shower is an event held purely for the pregnant person to receive gifts.

@Goatinthegarden no one has summoned any one to an event you are free to decline if you want but getting everyone there at the same time means only having to host and cater for company once rather then multiple different times. Also I know gift lists are a love or hate thing but I find them an excellent idea. It takes the stress out of thinking what to buy, means the items are actually needed and for the parents means less clutter.

Weddings and babies are expensive so people give gifts to support the couple / new baby.

I love buying gifts, not just for a new baby or a birthday I currently have some earrings to give to a friend with relatively newly pierced ears.

I've even been known to give presents to guests on my birthday

@Alsohuman

Marriage and the birth of a child are more than lifestyle choices. They’re major milestones in life and represent beginnings. Welcoming a new person to the world is particularly special.

“Welcoming a new person to the world is particularly special”

😂😂😂😂

Get over yourself! It really isn’t to anyone else bar the parents/immediate family.

@MintyMabel

These are life events. If you want the gifts, go out and have one of these life events.

What a ridiculous complaint to have.

Not everyone is able to just go out and have one of these life events.

I think, this thread isn’t about gift giving really, it’s more about people seeing marriage and babies as much bigger life events than some other achievements. Marriage and babies come easily to some and are impossible for others.

Plenty of posters here show that they look down on single, childless mothers as not having fulfilled, purposeful lives.

@slashlover

Society and the world needs people. You might not value that now, as my childfree sister didn't. But she does now since she's retired and needs some care. All those WC/benefit top up people gave us the essential workers that we have relied on.

Nobody has kids for the good of society, having kids is an entirely selfish process.

Exactly! “Be grateful I had kids and claimed every top up benefit I could get my hands on to fund your retirement”

Ummm..., wtf do you think I have been doing all my childfree working life? 😂

@LilMidge01

Making the decision to complete my masters while working and supporting myself to have a complete career change is one of the things I am most proud of ever having achieved....second to completing my first marathon, and having the courage to leave a long term relationship even if it meant some financial instability. People say "well done", maybe buy you a drink...that's about it

I think this post is meant light heartedly and some people are getting a bit OTT. But I do agree that sometimes that we go a bit overboard as a society on babies and weddings when there are other things women are quite rightly proud of. It's notthat one is better tthan the other but about acknowledging that women and our important experiences are not only about marriage and babies

Well said, thank you.

[quote lovepickledlimes]@Goatinthegarden no one has summoned any one to an event you are free to decline if you want but getting everyone there at the same time means only having to host and cater for company once rather then multiple different times. Also I know gift lists are a love or hate thing but I find them an excellent idea. It takes the stress out of thinking what to buy, means the items are actually needed and for the parents means less clutter.[/quote]
Ach, I know. I go to these events, usually quite happily, I know I don’t have to go, but I do tend to stick to the polite behaviour norms generally accepted in our society.

I’m really just having a moan in the spirit of this thread. I actually really like buying presents for people and do so freely and often. I just don’t really like being expected to buy a present. I also agree with the OP that because I am childless, I often buy a lot of presents but receive very little in return. In my family, we just buy for the many children.

I actually buy myself a lot of presents, so I don’t really feel hard done by, I’m just getting carried away.

Unbelievably ignorant title although baby showers have become ridiculously commercial and seemingly grabby.

Being a mum and a parent is bloody hard work and a thankless task. Generally mums are taken for granted and spend their lives looking after and clearing up after other people. There are not enough moments in the year to make recognition of this fact, day after day of hard work is recognised one in a blue moon.

I would think you could app,y this to your own mum if not as a mum yourself.

Our family (on both sides) celebrates diplomas, new jobs, promotions, new pets, new babies, marriages, new homes... pretty much any life-changing positive event. We don't do massive events (I didn't have bridal nor baby shower) - its family only, but its great because you get to share and participate so many more joyous moments.

I think this post is meant light heartedly and some people are getting a bit OTT. But I do agree that sometimes that we go a bit overboard as a society on babies and weddings when there are other things women are quite rightly proud of. It's notthat one is better tthan the other but about acknowledging that women and our important experiences are not only about marriage and babies,

I absolutely agree that as a society we elevate marriage and childbearing as women's sole achievements/identities far too much, and that we should celebrate a much wider range of paths - but I'm not sure that presents is really part of that. Men don't get promotion presents either, at least in my experience!

Because it’s a celebration the same way a birthday is? However a much more important one IMO.

Me and my friends always celebrate new jobs with each other with cards/flowers/small gifts. Maybe you just need new friends?

@winifredwells

We asked for no gifts at our wedding

I absolutely hate those. You wouldn't turn up empty handed to a diner party or a bbq, so it's rather rude not to at least thank the host, let alone give a gif to celebrate.

You end up wasting so much time and end up sending flowers or something at a later date.

Wedding gift lists are a blessing. I am even happy contributing to a honeymoon or a new roof if you want to, save me time and effort!

We’ve asked for no gifts at our wedding. I really hope people don’t hate us for it and I absolutely don’t mean it coyly or expect flowers later or anything like that. We have everything we need, we can easily afford a holiday when we want one and a new roof if we need one. Some of the relatives that we’re inviting couldn’t. We simply want to invite our friends and family to celebrate with us and we want to minimise what that will cost them. I hope it’s taken in the spirit in which it’s intended!

I’m not rude, I never go anywhere empty handed. I’m going to sit in a friend’s garden today and have bought flowers, baked a cake and will be taking my own drinks. I wouldn’t turn up at an event without a gift. I'd find that level of gift giving too much - I'd have to have a quiet word about next time - not being excessive - I had to do that with a friend who used to stay with us every summer for a couple of nights - I honestly found her gift giving excessive, embarrassing and completely unnecessary - it felt like she was trying to pay me for the room. A bottle of wine is a lovely thought, stop there.

I agree with OP in that the tradition of celebrating certain events in this way is clearly outdated when you consider co habitation, marrying later, lower cost of baby goods, etc.

However some posts here seem to imply married people or parents are sitting around rubbing their hands together laughing about all the gifts they will get from single people. No, they just wanted to get married or have a child. You can't win because many people do say "no gifts" on invitations, and what happens? Just read the threads on here - hundreds of replies "no you must bring a gift" "bring wine and a silver photo frame".

Oh and the same goes for other events not just new jobs btw. We all celebrate graduations and other important life events.

I have been to an "I have a new pet party". And yes I did bring a gift.

@winifredwells

We asked for no gifts at our wedding

I absolutely hate those. You wouldn't turn up empty handed to a diner party or a bbq, so it's rather rude not to at least thank the host, let alone give a gif to celebrate.

You end up wasting so much time and end up sending flowers or something at a later date.

Wedding gift lists are a blessing. I am even happy contributing to a honeymoon or a new roof if you want to, save me time and effort!

This is a warped view of hospitality.

The gracious way to repay the kindness of an invitation is to reciprocally invite your hosts to something you organize. Not to show up with merchandise.

We asked for no gifts at our wedding - most people who attended had to fly to the party location and stay overnight in a hotel - I felt that was enough to ask - I genuinely wanted our guests company and nothing more. No one got us flowers - a few people (old aunties) slipped cheques into a card, most people took us at our word.

Making the decision to complete my masters while working and supporting myself to have a complete career change is one of the things I am most proud of ever having achieved....second to completing my first marathon, and having the courage to leave a long term relationship even if it meant some financial instability. People say "well done", maybe buy you a drink...that's about it

but what did you organise to celebrate?

When a couple choses to elope, apart from parents and siblings possibly, how do you think others celebrate?

Apart from a baby shower, all the other events are organised by the bride and groom/ the kids parents...

If you throw a party to celebrate your driving licence, you will get gifts!

Real friends are happy to celebrate anything, but on this thread there seems to be a few grabby people (that is not directed at you btw!) who expect a full celebration without doing anything themselves.

It usually is more about the party than the actual event. And what's wrong if some friends like to buy you a few gifts when you have a baby or when it's your birthday.

Baby showers are really giving gifts for the baby.

Do you think, by that logic, that a housewarming gift is really for the house, not the person who lives there?