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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be miffed at all the presents for being a wife and mother

531 replies

Creamcustards · 13/04/2021 21:55

Inspired by the baby shower thread.

What is it that makes us ‘reward’ getting married and having children with money and gifts?! I mean, surely the joy of the marriage / the child is enough!?

Yes, I am single and childfree. Maybe a little bit bitter?!! When I get a pet or a new job or there some other happy event in my life I don’t get showered with gifts / money!

Grr.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 14/04/2021 09:09

@Quincie

Getting up every night several times to feed a baby (usually the mother) deserves every gift for ever imv.
Why? No one forced you to reproduce.

You "deserve " nothing for stepping up to a responsibility you voluntarily acquired.

Ponoka7 · 14/04/2021 09:11

@PerveenMistry
"So it's all about you and your "world," eh?"
A thesis is a one off and I doubt that the person who wrote it would want a big party when it's 13/16/18/21/30 years old and the yearly celebrations in between. You don't take your thesis on days out. It's a bit stupid to try to say it's comparable.

"It can be extremely tough watching your friends get coupled up while you stay single and seeing them have kids while you remain childless (and infertile). "
That isn't society creating a pecking order, that's something that's wanted on an individual level.

Everyday on FB I see my friends/family buying things and doing home improvements. Part of the reason I can't, is because I chose to have children, be a carer in the family etc and not follow a career etc. I've just got to get on with my choices. It's tough when it hasn't been a choice, of course, but you've still got to come to terms with your situation and not begrudge others.

YukoandHiro · 14/04/2021 09:12

You may get wedding and baby shower presents, but once you have a child you never get a present again - everyone buys for the child in lieu of you.

Enjoy your adult birthday and Xmas presents xx

PerveenMistry · 14/04/2021 09:12

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I do think your friends should celebrate your achievements. But the average wedding costs £30k or something now I think? I doubt when you have a significant life event you have a £££££ party and invite all your friends to celebrate. I think wedding gifts are partly to offset the cost of the price per head that the bride and groom have spent on food, entertainment etc.

That is such a tacky, grubby attitude.

Ponoka7 · 14/04/2021 09:13

"Why? No one forced you to reproduce"

Society and the world needs people. You might not value that now, as my childfree sister didn't. But she does now since she's retired and needs some care. All those WC/benefit top up people gave us the essential workers that we have relied on.

Scottishskifun · 14/04/2021 09:14

Because they are huge significant milestones! Would also say I never received a gift for being a mum..... My DS received gifts for being born as it was the day he was born aka his birthday!

I do buy friends gifts for significant milestones so their first house (after which it's a bottle of wine for a house move) or a graduation present etc.

nancywhitehead · 14/04/2021 09:14

Well a new pet or job isn't really on the same scale as a marriage or a child. Those two things are meant to last for the rest of your life.

If you want to celebrate your life choices in a non traditional way then I'm all for that - throw yourself a big party in place of having a wedding if you're not planning on getting married. That would be awesome!

But come on, surely you don't expect people to get you presents because you got a new pet.

TorringtonDean · 14/04/2021 09:15

Actually this thread is funny. I’ve been married and have kids but I am also delighted to now be an unmarried female making no attempt whatsoever to attract a new mate/leech! I don’t look down on singletons, not at all! I’ve never gone in for big parties for stuff anyway.

Thefaceofboe · 14/04/2021 09:16

I saw a Facebook post the other day that replied to someone and said ‘we’ll see how much we get at the baby shower and we might need to get a few extra bits before he arrives’ Blush embarrassing

HumunaHey · 14/04/2021 09:17

@Missfelipe All my comments aren't directly in response to you. If I wanted that part to be directed at you, I would have @ you.

I was talking about the thread in general. Much like you think having a child is not on par to finding a cure for cancer (fair), I don't think getting a pet is on par to having a child, which is OP has implied.

My point about the cure for cancer (aimed at another poster who came at me sideways) was that no matter the gravity of the achievement, the pursuit of finding the cure was ultimately a choice. A PP implied people having children shouldn't be celebrated because they made a choice, but most life celebrations are down to choice. That's my point and I'll leave it there.

The topic at hand and the fact that this is in AIBU makes for a very prickly thread.

PerveenMistry · 14/04/2021 09:17

@Ponoka7

"Why? No one forced you to reproduce"

Society and the world needs people. You might not value that now, as my childfree sister didn't. But she does now since she's retired and needs some care. All those WC/benefit top up people gave us the essential workers that we have relied on.

There's hardly a shortage of human beings on this poor, burned-out planet. Don't strain your arm patting yourself on the back.

winifredwells · 14/04/2021 09:17

But come on, surely you don't expect people to get you presents because you got a new pet.

if you make the effort to throw a party, why not.

The OP just sounds grabby and resent others getting gifts when they take the time and financial hit to throw parties, but doesn't get everything for nothing herself Grin

It's a bit like moaning that your friend keeps receiving bunches of flowers and you get nothing, when said friend is throwing diner parties and the flowers are brought by the guests.

Runnerduck34 · 14/04/2021 09:20

Well Im married with kids and have never had a present for starting a new job or getting a new pet, havent heard of people getting gifts for these occasions maybe a good luck card for a new job if youre lucky but thats it!
The only extra celebration day is mothers day which I think is fair enough as you make a lot of ( willing) sacrifices for your kids .
Everyone should have their birthday celebrated regardless of whether they are married or have children

roarfeckingroarr · 14/04/2021 09:21

Babies and weddings bring joy to friends and family members and the gifts are a celebration.
Your new job or pet, less do. Plus I deserved everything I was given after nine LONG uncomfortable months and giving birth!

Confusedandshaken · 14/04/2021 09:23

I think you need to retrain your friends and relations. My DD got a promotion recently, an internal one, not even a new company Several people sent her card and presents to celebrate ranging from personalised cookies from a mate her own age to some lovely jewellery from her 70 yo godmother. I'm tight so she only got a card from me and her dad!

SpiderinaWingMirror · 14/04/2021 09:26

Given that nobody is obliged to give gifts, I think it's good to.
I always contributed to or bought gifts for weddings and births. I have also done big birthdays as and when
Tbf I think the gifts most appreciated are those given when most needed or least expected. I send flowers to friends a month after a parent death to say I'm thinking of them (meant huge amount to me when I lost my dad in my early 30s). A gift card to someone who is struggling ( done that with single parent friend before xmas who was struggling). The odd bag of shopping with a bunch of flowers.

GeronimoHate · 14/04/2021 09:27

We asked for no gifts at our wedding and I ask for no gifts at Christmas and Birthdays - I do bloody well expect my kids to cook dinner on Mother's Day, I don't know why I'm so precious about this - they cook on other days too before anyone jumps on this. I'd rather buy my own gifts because I know what I like and I buy the best gifts for me! You can make me a cup of tea though - I'll appreciate that gift!😁

babbaloushka · 14/04/2021 09:29

Hang on, what if I'm married, have kids, a Masters AND two dogs? Do I deserve celebration for all those things too? Or is it just out of pity that you would expect the latter two to be celebrated with the same fervour as the former?

Pyewackect · 14/04/2021 09:29

Last two weddings invitations came with a request for money. It was like getting an invoice. I couldn’t make the last one but had the brides mother chasing me for my “gift”.

I don’t do baby showers : it’s your baby, not mine.

I do have fun with birthday pressies but starting to think buying adults Xmas gifts is a waste of time and money.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 14/04/2021 09:32

@Sparklfairy

There was an episode of Sex and the City which covered exactly this.
Beat me to it! Isnt it called a woman's right to shoes? I remember it being a great episode.
motherrunner · 14/04/2021 09:33

I’m 42 and never been to a ban shower - and I have 2 DC of my own.

DH and I have been together for 16 years and we never buy each other presents. We like to give the ‘gift of time’ instead (soaring the ball ache of thinking and buying said gifts).

We need to be your friends 😆

motherrunner · 14/04/2021 09:34

*baby

winifredwells · 14/04/2021 09:34

We asked for no gifts at our wedding

I absolutely hate those. You wouldn't turn up empty handed to a diner party or a bbq, so it's rather rude not to at least thank the host, let alone give a gif to celebrate.

You end up wasting so much time and end up sending flowers or something at a later date.

Wedding gift lists are a blessing. I am even happy contributing to a honeymoon or a new roof if you want to, save me time and effort!

CounsellorTroi · 14/04/2021 09:35

Boom45
People get presents from people that love them just for getting a year older too. Grrr.
But we all have a birthday each year. So hardly the same......

But not everyone has anyone to buy presents for them.........

EmpressSuiko · 14/04/2021 09:37

Well if it makes you feel better I didn’t get showered with gifts when I was pregnant or when I got married. I know people who have been given thousands of pounds as a wedding gift, we were given cards and as I don’t really have any friends no one ever threw me a baby shower, I bought everything I needed myself.