To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

[Wontgoquietly]

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

What distance are we talking in terms of how far away the training academy is from your home?

If he truly undersands what a big impact this is having on you and how much you need his support, but still isn't giving it, I would be questioning the relationship. But not right now. Right now you have to focus on your treatment and put your all into that. If your partner doesn't feel he can be there for you then you need to put a plan in place and work out who is going to be there - make sure you have friends or other family members on call for you. Try to put this to one side - your partner has made his decision - you can reevaluate the relationship once you've had your treatment and are better. Now really isn't the time to make big changes in your life.

I can't emphasise how much I would ask you to not make any rash decisions right now. The reality of your diagnosis or treatment might not yet be real to him (I'm not sure whether you've been notably unwell up to now?). Sometimes men (and women) can be a bit slow for things to dawn on them. Give yourself some time to process this awful news and for him to figure out a way to support all of his family - not one at the expense of the other, but both of you. If that means begging and calling in favours, encouraging the Mum to do the drive or whatever, so be it. Is it possible your DP's parents might collect DSS Friday evening, take him up and drop him home? Or your DP could collect him Saturday?
All is not lost. It's just horribly overwhelming right now and seems unworkable and as if he doesn't care. Nothing in life is easy I find. It may well be that he doesn't care about you and cares more about his son's future career. Don't jump entirely to that conclusion yet until you have all had time to come to terms with your diagnosis first and foremost and perhaps your DSS's side of the family will have family members who will take on responsibility while you need your DP for these 6 months.

@stackemhigh

It sounds like selfishness rather head buried in sand.

It might be more exciting gong to the hobby but this shows you rate as a much lower priority.

I have to question the wisdom or value of this sort of commentary. This is a complicated situation. It's all very new to both the OP and her DP, though probably even more not-real to the DP as he has not been able to attend any appointments and to appreciate the gravity of the situation and treatment. Yet another goal for Covid.
I don't know why people seemingly flippantly throw out such harsh judgments on relationships when the OP is probably at one of the most vulnerable periods in her life right now and emotions are raw.

Myself and my siblings competed at a high level in a sport when young. This involved weekly 120 mile round trips to get to training and that increased to twice a week in the lead up to big competitions. This sport has briefly been a career for my brother and has funded his university studies. If the dss shows enough promise to be scouted for something at this level, it's going to be really hard to just say no - we can't do that. There really is such a lot going on that it's just going to mean a bit of thinking outside the box.

Good luck. I'm sorry you even have to ask this.

He might need someone like his Mum for e.g. to slap some sense into his head and tell him to support you. At a time like this, all of the family needs to pull together and chip in.

He needs to wake up. You have cancer and you are his priority above and beyond whatever else is going on in his life.. He shouldn’t need to be told you will need care through your chemo, he should be planning how he will support you. I wish you well. 💐💐

OP, I'm sure you've read all of this literature 100 times over, but this is from Macmillan's website for family members:

Your feelings

When someone has cancer, it can affect the whole family. All families are different, and each family responds differently when someone is diagnosed with cancer.

All families deal with stress or tension at times, but a cancer diagnosis may test a family in new ways. You may have many different feelings.

If there are already relationship problems, these feelings can make them worse. But cancer can also bring families closer together as they deal with the challenge.

It is important to be honest with each other about how you feel. Your family can provide emotional support. Talking to each other about what is happening can be an important way of helping you all cope. Not talking could cause tension.

Macmillan is also here to support you. If you want to talk, you can:

Call the Macmillan Support Line on 0808 808 00 00.
Chat to our information and support specialists online.
Visit our Online Community to talk to other people who have a family member with cancer.

I'm not sure whether he has had a session with them himself? Or whether you could both have an online chat with them together? They will know a lot more about this sort of stuff than most of us here.

I'm really sorry that none of us can be of more help.

@Therewereroses. The OP has cancer and basically it seems DP is more interested in his sons’ hobby. He’s leaving her to get on with it and from reading her post, he’s obviously making her feel like shit in the process. I’m not suggesting he should abandon his son but it’s not rocket science and doesn’t require thinking outside any box. He sounds on good terms with his ex so why can’t she support DS while the OP needs support ? Quite frankly, if he hasn’t got his act together one week before chemo starts, then somebody needs to kick his arse into gear.

Good luck OP hope you don't have too many side effects.

When I went through chemo it was around 8 hours after the session I would start start to vomit and felt so exhausted for three or four days I couldn't get out of bed. However, I had a friend on the same chemo drugs who was fine and just had a mild headache. He should be around to see how you cope at least for the first few times. Hopefully, side effects are minimal.

[quote pam290358]@Therewereroses. The OP has cancer and basically it seems DP is more interested in his sons’ hobby. He’s leaving her to get on with it and from reading her post, he’s obviously making her feel like shit in the process. I’m not suggesting he should abandon his son but it’s not rocket science and doesn’t require thinking outside any box. He sounds on good terms with his ex so why can’t she support DS while the OP needs support ? Quite frankly, if he hasn’t got his act together one week before chemo starts, then somebody needs to kick his arse into gear.[/quote]
The news about his son is only recent too and has just thrown a spanner in the works of their previous plans for him to be able to support her as much as possible. Something like this opportunity must be very exciting for both the DP and his son, so give him time to cop the fuck on.

I'd be packing his bags!

Fuck that!

You're not being unreasonable in any way to ask for your partner's support while going through this. If he can't step up and support you now, when can he? Wow. That's spectacularly unfair.

Hope the treatment goes well for you OP

@Therewereroses. How much time does he need to ‘cop the fuck on’ exactly. He should have done that on hearing the diagnosis. She’s one week away from chemo and effectively facing it alone because he still hasn’t stepped up.

[quote pam290358]@Therewereroses. How much time does he need to ‘cop the fuck on’ exactly. He should have done that on hearing the diagnosis. She’s one week away from chemo and effectively facing it alone because he still hasn’t stepped up.[/quote]
Well she'll be facing it alone if she takes all your advice and dumps him now when she'll need him the most.

I've had chemo for breast cancer. The hospital was an hour's drive away. Somebody came with me for every treatment; everybody else there had somebody with them; it's handy if you need a drink, snack etc. or just for someone to chat with. I was also completely shattered during and after treatment and slept all the way home; there's no way I could have driven myself. After my first treatment I was very sick and ended up at the out of hours doctor as I couldn't stop vomiting (this is unusual and they fixed it with meds the next time) It would have been really difficult had I not had DH there. You may not be affected like this but for the first time especially he should go with you and stay with you afterwards. Good luck. X

@Therewereroses. Have you read my posts ? At no time have I ever advised that she dump him. And now I’m thinking you’re a troll.

pam, only the OP's posts are highlighted. By 'all your advice' I meant all you posters advice.
Trollhunting is banned btw.

Slightly different context because it was my child that had cancer rather than me. My son had cancer of the brain and was in hospital for the first 6 months of his treatment. I lived ther too with him bar one night a week. My then husband of 5 years and step father to my children could not offer emotional support, physical support or financial support (his words) during this time. My feelings for him changed that very second as the person who supposedly loved me just turned out to be weak and couldn't be there for me.

I divorced him and did it all without his support. My sons dad, all friends and all family rallied around and all helped. All of those would and did drop everything to help in the two half years of treatment ( and after).

For me I could not carry on living with a man who did not have my back, who couldn't put himself out at the worse t

OP I've read the full thread and I'm sorry that at this really scary time you're finding yourself alone.

And you're actually worse than alone, because everybody thinks you have DP there to help. I think you need to get practical. Tell whoever is in charge of your treatment that you're going to be alone as DP wants to go and watch his son play football (or whatever). Just give the facts, don't discuss how you're feeling because everybody will have a good idea. There may be extra help available that isn't offered because you're "apparently" not alone at home.

You need every fibre of your being for you. DP needs to sort himself out, definitely, but you are not responsible for that. Give him the Macmillan numbers if he doesn't have them and then stop there. You need to be practical now. So tell whoever you need what the actual situation is and see if there's any additional support available. You need it, it's not your fault, and you shouldn't have none because he's either got his head in the sand or is an arse (neither of which actually matters right now, only thing that matters

I haven't gone through chemo. I do know that it is incredibly stressful to have long-term treatment that everybody thinks you have home support with but a) you actually don't and b) you end up trying to cover that up because it's embarrassing or you just don't want to discuss it. For me it has clearly impacted my health (doctor and other HCPs have said this). And I didn't have cancer.

Forget him, try not to give him headspace. His feelings are for him to be responsible for. You need to focus on your health and DD. Whether he's petrified by fear or just a total arse really makes no difference right now because either way he's causing massive stress during arguably one of the most stressful things possible.

Oops

Time of my life.

You should not have to pull up your big girl pants and do this on your own. Your dp should want to support you through this.

You are going to need help, you are going to need people who you can support you. You need people you can ask anything of. You will be surprised by those who step up at times like this, and hurt by those who don't. Your dp sounds like he could be one of those who may hurt you more than support you.

You will need all your strength for you and your child. If I were you I would be reviewing my relationship in the light of him downplaying your needs, fears. There is a balance he could make to support both his son and you but it sounds like he does not want to do that.

I'm so sorry that you are facing this.

I’m really conflicted as a previous poster has said it could be a massive opportunity for a successful career for your DSS. Is someone else available to take you and support you. All treatments are different and tailored to you, so side effects vary considerably. Please make sure you are given anti-nausea meds every time you have chemo as they can make a huge difference.

I wish you well.

I agree you need support and people may assume your DP is better at this than he really is. How about adding him and your friends into a WhatsApp group called Chemo Support where you can post what you need and people can respond. It means you don't have to reach out more than once for things and can type how you feel without DC overhearing, no need to put on a brave face. It also might prompt your DP to get his act together.

Of course there are two sides to this but I do not believe that the OP's partner would be compromising the sons opportunity at the academy by not being there on some occasions. However, it is pretty clear the the OP does heed his support especially in the early days.

I think the OP's partner is showing some pretty poor judgement in not seeing this and it may indicate his overall prioritisation of the OP in his life. She might just not be as important as one would think a partner should be.

Best of luck OP - I hope it is resolved - this type of added stress is the least thing you need now.

I hope your treatment goes well.

Your DP is a selfish tool.

Not troll hunting - just flabbergasted by your replies. I cant believe someone would actually think it’s reasonable for a husband to abandon his wife to cancer treatment alone because he’s busy with his son’s hobby. !! OK I get your point - it’s his son, he’s been scouted and he can’t just drop things. But from reading the OP he’s never made any plans to support his wife, and from what the OP has said, clearly has no intention of changing his plans. Now, a week away from starting chemo and she still has no support from him. He’s not just prioritising his son, he’s actually de-prioritising her at, as you so rightly said, a time when she needs him the most.