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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

354 replies

Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 18:39

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

OP posts:
Wontgoquietly · 14/04/2021 01:23

@Therewereroses

Thank you for your post and I do agree to some extent. However we both chose that day as impacted the family the least as it's the weekend the both DC and DSC are with their other parent.

Since this decision was made the semi pro academy has arose and as such my DP and SC have obviously, very excitedly embraced it.

I'm not asking him to step back from the activity or acadamy completely, but to share the experience with sc mum or other family members so that he can be there for me directly after treatment.

If I changed my days to midweek I would be in the same boat. Alone. My
DP will be at work plus I'll have the added pressure of getting my DD ready for school. Even though I have support in taking her to and from school, I still need to get up with her, feed her and have her ready for collection and also be well enough to look after her when she gets home.

By having treatment on the Friday when both children are with there respective other parent it means neither see me poorly and gives me 3 days to pull myself together.

Before the scout referred my sc to the semi pro academy my DP would collect sc on the Saturday morning, complete the activity and be home mid afternoon which is not an issue and is doable.

Him being out of the house for over 24 hours every Friday that happens to be my treatment day, is.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 14/04/2021 01:23

Have you spoken to your team about timing of any possible side effects. Things like neutropenia are usually delayed. From what I understand he will be doing every Friday night at this hobby? That means he will be leaving you alone to care for your daughter every other weekend? I’m worried you might feel worse those weekends. Basically he enjoys this hobby whatever it is and doesn’t want to give it up, rather than nobody else can take the child. What a selfish prick. Chemo does vary a lot and so do individual responses to it, he may be able to go back to the hobby if you cope well but he shouldn’t plan that before you’ve started. You sound understandably very worried and stressed. can you speak to the counsellor at the clinic or a support group, they are usually really well funded and available.

PurpleOkapi · 14/04/2021 01:35

Why does the chemo have to be on that specific day? Can't you move it to a different day of the week?

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2021 01:39

@Therewereroses

This isn't a black and white issue to me I'm afraid though I must caveat this by saying that I do not have experience of chemotherapy at all bar an odd film and a friend who went through it recently but rarely spoke about it as she had an adult daughter and SIL who lived with her to support her.

I was a single parent until my dd was 4. My first and foremost loyalty therefore has always been to her. I was all she had which made us very close. I had family who were entirely reluctant to offer any support whatsoever. When she was 4, I met a man (he had no children himself). He found it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that I was fiercely loyal to dd and would always put her first. In the end he turned out to be an abusive prick but that's a story for another day and not entirely relevant here. What I would say is that your relationship, though you're living together, is relatively new. It's 3 households involved in a way, not just one.

This is not your DP choosing a hobby over supporting you. It's him prioritising his son and being inconsiderate at worst. You yourself have chosen to pick a day for the chemo to prioritise your own biological dd which will have the least possible disruption to her life and that is fine and understandable. I would do the same.

You are two combined families who have come together as one, which makes things difficult.

You might need to make adjustments to find the least worst option for both children. You don't want your dd to see you while you're unwell, he does not want his ds to lose out on this invaluable and rare opportunity.

The solution to this will lie in calling in favours from all angles perhaps and it will likely involve compromise on both sides. It might mean that you change to a Thursday or a Wednesday. Speak to the experts to find out when you're most likely to need actual support and experience the worst side effects.

Cancer or illness of any kind doesn't just throw you a curveball, it throws a fucking nuclear bomb into your entire world. It is horrible, evil and cruel.

I am not an evil person but my DP a few years into our relationship appeared very depressed. After a couple of days or weeks (can't remember now) he confessed that he was hearing voices telling him to kill himself. I called 111, got him an out of hours appointment and sent him off to the appointment on his own. Bear in mind I had a 6 year old asleep in bed upstairs with school in the morning. I then went onto a website similar to MN while I was waiting to hear back. Jesus Christ but I was crucified! Apparently I should have been with him. How could I be so cruel and uncaring? What I wasn't accused of isn't worth mentioning. He was given a referral letter to go to the psychiatric hospital immediately (this was about midnight at this stage) so passed by and dropped in on the way there (hospitals were in different directions from our house). There had been some supportive posts and when I updated the thread, another pile on. I had no fucking choice though, short of ordering an ambulance or something and at that point I had never had any dealings with anything medical involving transportation or similar. He drove to the hospital and was admitted until he was well. He was very hurt that I couldn't visit but I had a commitment to my dd and he had the car (30 miles away)

So what I'm saying is that I can see both sides of this. I've also been very unwell and same ex-DP was utterly brilliant to me. But this is not a simple matter. When children are involved, my instinct would be to prioritise them before anything and that means both of them, not just your own dd.

I hope that I haven't offended and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Don't necessarily write him off. He might care deeply, but feel like he has little options available to him.

I’m married to the father of my children and I still don’t always put the children first. If my dh had cancer treatment I would call in favours to look after the children so I could support my dh. Obviously I couldn’t miraculously produce this so on the night he was taken to be looked at would have to stay with my dc, as per a previous posters example. It’s not comparable with being able to plan things to provide support to a partner going through chemo. Why even get into another relationship if you will never prioritise your partner no matter what they are going through?? Here it’s not just prioritising the child either- he’s deprioritising the op. Playing sport/whatever at competitive levels usually involves travel. Most parents simply have to drive their dc home, not oh it’s a bit tiring so we will all stay over at my parents.
Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:02

Yes, it's possible that he might realise that he'll have to drive home after the training on Friday evening and drive back up on the Saturday again. That's something which should certainly be looked at.

I’m married to the father of my children and I still don’t always put the children first. That's my point, I've always been a single mother, so I've always had to put dd first as she doesn't have a father involved.

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:05

Something else to look at might be asking dd's father to take dd overnight Thursday/Friday so that you can have your treatment Thursday.
It is not going to be a simple solution when there are two children involved.

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:08

Another option might be that instead of you going home directly after your treatment that you go straight to a family member or friend/cousin/aunt/uncle/your parents house to stay overnight. I know that you mentioned that your parents are not well, so maybe not your parents, but as I said, you might have to mix it up a bit and try to find different people to help out.

I'm afraid that the last thing that I would want to do would be for the ds to have to give up this opportunity. If his DM is willing to step up and take on the trips there, that would be ideal. Again, maybe rotate every second weekend.

MoppaSprings · 14/04/2021 02:09

Your DP needs to be there for the 1st couple of treatments as a bare minimum, even if you were feeling fine after treatment, you need emotional support. After a few treatments you should have a fair idea how you react and feel afterwards.

He will need to make other arrangements for his son on those weekends. Perhaps his mum can do it seeing as his son stays there on a Friday night.

Or if no one is able he needs to explain his situation to the academy and see if they can offer solutions. Possibly someone else from your area travels there each week

Justilou1 · 14/04/2021 02:16

I honestly can't get over this man. Like you, I would be questioning the validity of your relationship. Are you a partner or someone to babysit and help out with housework and cook when he's not around? Hasn't the fact that you have cancer sunk in yet?

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:17

And without question, your DP should 100% take the Friday of your very first treatment off and be there for you. Boring and uneventful as it might be, it will be scary! Anyone, no matter how self-reliant they are would want someone there. It may be that you prove to be have few side effects and not want anyone coming with you on subsequent visits once you've taken it all in your stride, but there is no doubt that he must accompany you on the first vist and if he says no to that, then yes, I would dump his fucking ass as what bloody use is he to you at all!

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2021 02:40

@Therewereroses

Yes, it's possible that he might realise that he'll have to drive home after the training on Friday evening and drive back up on the Saturday again. That's something which should certainly be looked at.

I’m married to the father of my children and I still don’t always put the children first. That's my point, I've always been a single mother, so I've always had to put dd first as she doesn't have a father involved.

I really don’t see your point - perhaps you were the only active responsible parent for your children, but all of the children involved in this story have two active parents with the bonus that the second parent is NOT the essential emotional and practical support for the first. So it seems very straightforward that the other parent make some reasonable arrangements , every other weekend for a few months.
Wontgoquietly · 14/04/2021 02:44

I do feel like I'm repeating alot of what I have said in previous posts.

Unfortunately chemo isn't like a hotel booking that I can switch and change as I please.they only administer these drugs on 2 days per week. Wednesday and Friday

We both decided Friday would be better BEFORE my sc had the acadamy opportunity. Mid week just will not work as everyone is at work and I'll be left to fend for myself AND my child alone.

The Friday was the best day all round as DD and Dsc are both with their other parents for that weekend.

There are other people available.to take DSC to the academy. My DP does not want to do this as he doesnt want to miss out on this experience with his child.

At no point have asked DP or DSC to not continue with the hobby

I have asked however if EOW the day of my treatment, that either DSC mum or another family member take DSC so my partner can be on hand to support me. If my health is ok and I don't need as much support the DP will also continue with the hobby on Saturday also.

The alternative week is our week with DD and DSC and my DP would be able to go to the session and also pursue the hobby the next day as normal.
There seems to be very mixed responses here with lots of people thinking AINBU but a good few suggesting that I am indeed being unreasonable and that DP and SC hobby should come first.

I doubt I'll sleep much tonight (pain and head whirring from what's going on) so plenty of time to think about things.

As for the suggestion of going to stay with a relative or parent, I'm sorry but when Ill I just want my own bed and home comforts. Not to be holed up in the spare room in a single bed with no TV etc.

OP posts:
Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:48

Well it is and it isn't that straight forward.
If the DP and his former wife still lived together, I'm sure they would work together for the ds. But now there's a new wife (the OP), another dc (the OP's dd), and then whatever family the ex wife's new partner has and also of course the OP's former husband and whatever partner and new children he has! It is not as simple as a married couple.

Add into that conflicting demands and it's not at all simple.
Yes, ideally the Mum will bring him to his sport academy if she cares, but she too might now have additional demands.

It's not simple.

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:52

There are other people available.to take DSC to the academy. My DP does not want to do this as he doesnt want to miss out on this experience with his child.

Well this is unacceptable really. You really do need to discuss this again. Just don't make any snap decisions. DP is probably so proud of his ds that he's not in full possession of his marbles! Add the shock and worry of your diagnosis and he is behaving like a buffoon of course. You need to perhaps spell out proposed solutions for him and if he is not will to go with those and being alone for the the Friday/Saturday is unacceptable to you, then yes, that might be a dealbreaker.

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 02:54

Ok, I'll leave you to it and wish you well. Hope you get some rest.

BlackCatShadow · 14/04/2021 03:12

Response was, cant my DF pick me up and if I REALLY need him here he will have to make other arrangements for DSC which involves a family friend taking him as mum is unavailable and doesn't like driving out of town after a RTA has left her particularly nervous.

Yes, you do REALLY need him here, so, please make alternative arrangements.

i haven't read all the responses but you know you are not being unreasonable about this, so put your foot down. It's a shame about his son, but sometimes these things can't be helped and in families we have to make compromises. He has plenty of other options to figure out what to do.

Good luck with your treatment Flowers

gelatodipistacchio · 14/04/2021 03:13

This is just to wish you the best and to agree you're not being unreasonable at allDaffodil

ThePawtriarchy · 14/04/2021 03:27

I’ve had a similar partner and the thing is he did support me when it cost him nothing and chalked that up on his points board. But then would prioritise himself the rest of the time. Low level selfish is ok while you’re thinking ‘well they’ll be there for me when it really counts.’ But then when they show you that they’re not, what is really left? What’s the point of a partner that’s not there for you when the shit really hits the fan? It just breeds resentment. And it’s fine to say ‘you just need to communicate what you need clearly’ but when you’ve already done that and in a situation where you don’t want to ask, you just want them to want to help, then I think it’s just too damaging. They’re not a support, they’re another problem. Best of luck with you’re treatment OP. Flowers

gutful · 14/04/2021 03:42

I think you should not have told him you'll be "fine" when you clearly know that's not true.

He is being selfish & it sounds like you are being sensitive to his needs to spend time with SC & don't want to be the "evil stepmother"

I also can see your side that you SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO tell him he needs to be there, he should know this.

He is prioritising & pandering to his wife's "nervousness" about driving & his son's hobby which is going to go on for 6 months over your cancer treatment.

I also think this is the beginning of the end.

I think the people who voted YABU are mothers who are deluded into thinking the 1st wife & the child's wants come before a step parent's needs.

There is no reason his mother can't go with him, except she is "nervous". Yet you're meant to suck up the fact that you have cancer.

He expects you to suck it up but not his ex wife. What does this say about how he views you?

I think if you can throw him out you should. He has shown himself to be disloyal in "sickness" & health - which, while you haven't made wedding vows shows how low value you are to him.

Surround yourself with people who love & support you. He deserves to be cut out of your life like a cancer.

Sorry this has happened to you & it sucks you have to be dealing with him being such a disappointment during your time of need.

I bet you as step mum have routinely sacrificed for his son & downgraded your personal needs to ensure he has the best relationship possible with his son - his actions show it's not a 2 way street so you can't expect the same in return from him.

He is the epitome of why people are warned not to go out with single parents - it's things like this which give them a bad name. Kids WANTS to do not come before someone else's NEEDS

youshallnotpass9 · 14/04/2021 03:45

I sort of get where your dp is coming from. From what you have said, he is going from 4 days a month to 8 to spend time with his child on something they both really enjoy.

However he should be there for the first one at least.

timeisnotaline · 14/04/2021 03:45

@Therewereroses

Well it is and it isn't that straight forward. If the DP and his former wife still lived together, I'm sure they would work together for the ds. But now there's a new wife (the OP), another dc (the OP's dd), and then whatever family the ex wife's new partner has and also of course the OP's former husband and whatever partner and new children he has! It is not as simple as a married couple. Add into that conflicting demands and it's not at all simple. Yes, ideally the Mum will bring him to his sport academy if she cares, but she too might now have additional demands. It's not simple.
The big difference for me here is that the sdc is with the ops house every other weekend and the hobby is in the alternate weekends. Every time having a child every weekend comes up mumsnet says that’s not fair unless it’s because the parent doesn’t want them. It’s not at all unreasonable contact wise to not be able to facilitate the sdc every single weekend just for a few months while going through chemo. It sounds like friends will be asked anyway, which is what I would be doing if it were my dc and my husband going through chemo.
timeisnotaline · 14/04/2021 03:48

Sorry to be clear of course a single parent has to have their child every weekend if other parent is a drop kick who doesn’t parent, but where two parents love their child they should each get some weekend time. I can’t see that dss mum gets much weekend time at all (And it’s also pretty crap if a parent is unwilling to at all facilitate hobby dc loves and is really good at, it’s only a few months!)

Iwonder08 · 14/04/2021 03:50

OP, you need to concentrate on getting better and home stress is not helping. You without a tiniest doubt should be his priority, not a child's hobby which is not stopping anyway.
If it was me I would give it another go providing him with bare facts from your medical team, I.e very significant risks after each treatment requiring someone to be by your side. He needs to make a decision if he is available. If he is not please arrange other people to be available as you already know the schedule. Get a private nurse/carer if your friends/family can't be there.
I would urge you not to go through a mental torture of re-evaluating your relationship now. Finish your 6 months treatment and assess it after.

nancywhitehead · 14/04/2021 04:46

I'm really sorry your partner is behaving this way OP, at such a difficult time for you. It must be heartbreaking. He absolutely should be prioritising you and your needs over this hobby, and actually you are not even asking for prioritisation but an equal share of his time - he would still go to the hobby every other week.

If he truly undersands what a big impact this is having on you and how much you need his support, but still isn't giving it, I would be questioning the relationship. But not right now. Right now you have to focus on your treatment and put your all into that. If your partner doesn't feel he can be there for you then you need to put a plan in place and work out who is going to be there - make sure you have friends or other family members on call for you. Try to put this to one side - your partner has made his decision - you can reevaluate the relationship once you've had your treatment and are better. Now really isn't the time to make big changes in your life.

Good luck with your treatment - it must be very scary and daunting. Just surround yourself with the people who want to be there and focus on that x

stackemhigh · 14/04/2021 05:25

It sounds like selfishness rather head buried in sand.

It might be more exciting gong to the hobby but this shows you rate as a much lower priority.

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