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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect my partner to be at home when I get back from treatment

354 replies

Wontgoquietly · 13/04/2021 18:39

I have cancer and due to start treatment in around a week. 6 months of chemo and I'm understandably very nervous and apprehensive.

My DP hasn't been at any of my appointment etc due to covid and work patterns and that's fine. However on the day of treatment my stepchild has training for a hobby that he is very talented at and DP is also very involved with.

SC has been scouted and invited to a semi pro training academy which they have been attending for a.couple of weeks. It's out of town and late in the evening. It is however close to my DP mothers so they have been staying over there on that evening each week and the following day they pursue the hobby outside of the semi pro academy.

I have asked DP if this is to be the pattern moving forward and he has said yes, this is how he plans to work it.

That leaves me home alone after a gruelling day of chemo and for most of the following day.

AIBU to expect dp to speak with stepchild mum and ask her if she can facilitate the hobby and training during this time so my DP can be here to support me?

I feel like an ogre dragging him away from his child and a mutual hobby they both enjoy so much but am going to need support over these next few months.

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 13/04/2021 23:53

I would be so upset to know that I wasn't my partner's priority, even when having fucking cancer treatment - I mean, if not then, when? Never. That's when.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 13/04/2021 23:56

Oh op, of course you shouldn't have to keep telling him.
I think we're all just suggesting talk to him because we don't want to say pack his bags.
If you weren't unwell then I'd be giving you my first LTB, but at the moment you don't need to be thinking about things like that and must conserve your energy.

joystir59 · 13/04/2021 23:59

I was at my wife's side throughout her cancer journey, which was utterly gruelling. OP you need solid support, you need to sit him down and spell it out that this hobby with his son cannot be a priority for him for the foreseeable future. The whole family needs to step up and get behind you, starting with your partner. I wish you wings on your heels to fly along the treatment path to health and recovery OP. If he can't be right by your side he may well lose you.

ellyeth · 14/04/2021 00:01

I am so sorry you are unwell and having to go through arduous treatment.

I think your partner is being very insensitive and unkind and I don't think you are being unreasonable. If he was absent very occasionally perhaps that would be OK but not on every occasion you have treatment.

I hope your treatment goes well and you soon feel better.

Dobbyisahouseelf · 14/04/2021 00:02

@seashoregalore Exactly.

HalzTangz · 14/04/2021 00:05

[quote Wontgoquietly]@LemonRoses with all due respect your cancer 2was not and never will be my cancer. I haven't dramatised my treatment or expectations. They are based on MEDICAL FACT given to me by my team.

If I come out the other side without lifelong lung and nerve damage I will be VERY lucky.

So kindly please don't keep preaching about how easy my treatment could potentially be, because frankly you have no freaking idea!

I'm happy for you that yours was cured so easily but not everyone has the same experience as you.[/quote]
But equally, until you have your treatment you don't know how you will be with it either. I'm sure what your medical team have advised is worse case scenario rather than every case scenario.

Some people can handle this better than others, you maybe one of these people. Equally you may not. Time will tell.

I don't think it's nice to bit off another posters head for advising that you may actually feel ok

Summerdayshaze · 14/04/2021 00:08

[quote Wontgoquietly]@LemonRoses with all due respect your cancer 2was not and never will be my cancer. I haven't dramatised my treatment or expectations. They are based on MEDICAL FACT given to me by my team.

If I come out the other side without lifelong lung and nerve damage I will be VERY lucky.

So kindly please don't keep preaching about how easy my treatment could potentially be, because frankly you have no freaking idea!

I'm happy for you that yours was cured so easily but not everyone has the same experience as you.[/quote]
You are quite right. I have lifelong lung and nerve damage from chemo. Not from cancer, but from chemo. I had my chemo as an in patient every round too. There was no way I could even stand much of the time. I needed help with absolutely everything and a wheelchair.

Sweetheart I wish you love and healing. Whatever you feel it will not be “a self fulfilling prophecy” or down to expecting the worst.

saraclara · 14/04/2021 00:09

I'm so sorry if I made you feel bad. Clearly you have spelled it out to him, having read your update. And speaking as someone whose health issued lead to two family holidays being cancelled, I know your pain. I couldn't have felt worse for my children.

I suspect you have to write him off, and talk to those who want to be there for you. It doesn't need to be the same person every time. But if you let your family and friends know the dates of your treatment, and ask for volunteers to keep you company, I'm sure you'll get takers. Better willing volunteers than someone who's likely to sit there sulking, anyway.

Milliepossum · 14/04/2021 00:11

OP he knows what your needs are, he just doesn’t care. It’s best you know this now rather than if he got sick first and you became his carer like an idiot, when he would never have cared for you.

I suspect you’re a convenient wifelike appliance for him that makes his life easier. Please ask your family or friends to take turns being with you for treatments, including driving you, get better then get rid of that selfish asshole. Good luck OP

Fortunefavours1 · 14/04/2021 00:11

What are you getting out of this relationship now? Please ask yourself this question. There are many single men and women going through these treatments right now, but at least they don't have to put up with an unsupportive partner at the same time.

justwaydamin · 14/04/2021 00:13

I don't think it's nice to bit off another posters head for advising that you may actually feel ok

I don't think op bit anyone's head off but even I, as a complete outsider, was getting frustrated over what lemonroses was posting. I'm sure she was aiming for 'positive mental attitude' but it came across as dismissive and know-it-all.

saraclara · 14/04/2021 00:14

Some people can handle this better than others, you maybe one of these people. Equally you may not. Time will tell.

Bollocks. It's not how people 'handle it' and it's not about some people being better than others. There are hundreds of different chemo regimens, and some are easier on the body than others.

I was infuriated by people who kept telling my DH how awful it would be. His consultant had already made it clear that his protocol was one of the better ones, and so it was. He didn't even throw up once, and his main symptoms were severe tiredness and numbness in his extremities. But I wouldn't tell others that chemo's 'not that bad' based on his experience. Because they vary hugely, and some are horrible.

Ionlyhave2hands · 14/04/2021 00:15

You poor, poor thing. I can't see how anyone would think this is ok. Like many others, I'm raging on your behalf. He is behaving beyond extremely unhelpful and is more downright cruel.

You should send him a link to this thread or print it out and pass it to him. You're wasting precious energy discussing this with him and getting nowhere/more upset. X

Wontgoquietly · 14/04/2021 00:20

@Summerdayshaze thank you for responding and I'm so sorry you have been left with these conditions. It really is my biggest fear but rather that and be here for my children than the alternative.

I think the problem here is that most of us have had experience of cancer at some point in our lives and every cancer is different and as such treated differently.

As I have repeatedly stated I haven't dramatised anything. My fears and concerns are based on very Frank discussions with my medical team. The drugs I need to take do cause lung toxicity and lasting damage. By the sounds of it you've been through a similar regime and know this only too well.

My dad had skin cancer and his was cured by removal and cream! It doesn't mean my cancer can be cured this way... I've had so many well meaning people advising me on the miricles of coffee enima cbd oil and alkaline diet. How a.cold cap can help me retain my hair (I am unable to use this as my treatment needs to target every cell in my body and this reduces the effectiveness and will make my treatment nill and void)

I know people mean well and for that I am grateful but until you are faced with it yourself, you just cant understand.

I do hope that you have recovered somewhat and have found a new sense of normal

Sending hugs Flowers

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 14/04/2021 00:23

OP, with every update your DH sounds like more of a selfish ass. Does he know exactly what you've been telling us here? If yes, then just dump him. I wouldn't leave an enemy alone to deal with this let alone my DP. 😠

Summerdayshaze · 14/04/2021 00:34

[quote Wontgoquietly]@Summerdayshaze thank you for responding and I'm so sorry you have been left with these conditions. It really is my biggest fear but rather that and be here for my children than the alternative.

I think the problem here is that most of us have had experience of cancer at some point in our lives and every cancer is different and as such treated differently.

As I have repeatedly stated I haven't dramatised anything. My fears and concerns are based on very Frank discussions with my medical team. The drugs I need to take do cause lung toxicity and lasting damage. By the sounds of it you've been through a similar regime and know this only too well.

My dad had skin cancer and his was cured by removal and cream! It doesn't mean my cancer can be cured this way... I've had so many well meaning people advising me on the miricles of coffee enima cbd oil and alkaline diet. How a.cold cap can help me retain my hair (I am unable to use this as my treatment needs to target every cell in my body and this reduces the effectiveness and will make my treatment nill and void)

I know people mean well and for that I am grateful but until you are faced with it yourself, you just cant understand.

I do hope that you have recovered somewhat and have found a new sense of normal

Sending hugs Flowers[/quote]
Yes I had to do it to be here for my young children, who I couldn’t love more deeply or fiercely.

But I wouldn’t do it again. If the cancer returned. And I’ve made peace with that. My body simply cannot sustain that level of damage again.

I’ll be thinking of you, OP.

billy1966 · 14/04/2021 00:36

I'm so sorry OP that you have to bear this disappointment and upset on top of what is already a very scary time.

Of course you should be his priority.
I am so sorry he appears to be an arse.

Please tell everyone around you that he will not be around to support you and perhzps you could divide out the treatments that a friend could help you.

Simple food to eat.

I have had 3 friends go through cancer and whilst they have come through it all well, no one would suggest chemo is anything other that a tough journey.
Flowers

StarCat2020 · 14/04/2021 00:39

Can I just say normally MN is SC all the way.

This thread s the opposite except for one post.

That says to me that he is taking the fucking piss.

Sillysandy · 14/04/2021 00:40

Hi OP,

So much of what you have written is similar to my experiences. The gruelling treatment plan, the side effects, the risk of infections etc. I really do understand how scary it all is.

Now with regards to your op, I have experienced similar - together the same amount of time, one DC and a DSC whose hobby is apparently more important than my care and recovery.

I wish I had tackled it differently. I wish I had spelled it out at the beginning what I expected from my DP. Initially I came home on the train or relied on friends for lifts. DSC had to be taken to her hobby twice a week. The ex could not be asked to assist during my treatment weeks. If disaster struck (and it often did) I would have to find a childcare solution while I rushed to hospital if DP was tending to DSC's hobby.

It got to halfway through my treatment and I was ready to walk. I was disgusted with the neglect. I didn't want to be with him. I was so massively hurt. He was so contrite when he realised how I felt.

You need to sit your DP down and tell him black and white what you need from him. You are entering a really scary journey and you need him there to rely on. He needs to be on hand for pickups, emergency trips to a&e, nearby if your side effects get out of hand. You, he, DC and DSC are supposed to be operating as a family unit and for the next six months your needs are greatest.

Then sit down with DSC and talk about what's happening. His age obviously is a factor on how much you share. Tell him you are sick but will get better. Tell him you are going to look sick for a while, that means the medicine is working. Tell him you all need to pull together and that will mean Dad not being so available for this period but at the end things will start to go back to normal.

Also, I know you said your friends work FT but still tell them you may need to call them and set up an emergency team to phone - you might need to drop your child off or whatever.

The very best of luck.

How are you feeling physically so far?

Wontgoquietly · 14/04/2021 00:47

I'm going to speak with him again tomorrow and lay it bare that I need him to be here and if he cant be here then I will need to find someone else.
If that is the route I have to go down he will be staying at his parents for more than just the Friday night!

Its not like I've asked him to step back completely. Just to reduce it to EOW and be there for me on the days I need him to be.

Especially for the first few treatments at the very least.

I like the idea of putting a schedule together for my support network to see when they are available to help out.

I'm lucky that I have a close friend nearby that has already offered support with school runs etc and my EX has really stepped up with support on the childcare front, picking up extra nights and school collections so that I can attend appointments.

None of my friends or family would leave me alone if I needed them, the point is, is that I shouldn't need them so much as my DP should be here to support me instead.

He is generally very supportive in other aspects. I don't know if this is just selfish or really has got his head buried in the sand.

Thank you to everyone who has offered words of encouragement and advice.

It really has been appreciated xx

OP posts:
JamieFrasersAuntie · 14/04/2021 00:48

Are your in laws aware?

If so I'm astonished they have agreed to these overnight stays.

FinallyFluid · 14/04/2021 00:51

He would be an Ex P very soon, better to walk alone than badly accompanied.

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 01:07

This isn't a black and white issue to me I'm afraid though I must caveat this by saying that I do not have experience of chemotherapy at all bar an odd film and a friend who went through it recently but rarely spoke about it as she had an adult daughter and SIL who lived with her to support her.

I was a single parent until my dd was 4. My first and foremost loyalty therefore has always been to her. I was all she had which made us very close. I had family who were entirely reluctant to offer any support whatsoever. When she was 4, I met a man (he had no children himself). He found it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that I was fiercely loyal to dd and would always put her first. In the end he turned out to be an abusive prick but that's a story for another day and not entirely relevant here. What I would say is that your relationship, though you're living together, is relatively new. It's 3 households involved in a way, not just one.

This is not your DP choosing a hobby over supporting you. It's him prioritising his son and being inconsiderate at worst. You yourself have chosen to pick a day for the chemo to prioritise your own biological dd which will have the least possible disruption to her life and that is fine and understandable. I would do the same.

You are two combined families who have come together as one, which makes things difficult.

You might need to make adjustments to find the least worst option for both children. You don't want your dd to see you while you're unwell, he does not want his ds to lose out on this invaluable and rare opportunity.

The solution to this will lie in calling in favours from all angles perhaps and it will likely involve compromise on both sides. It might mean that you change to a Thursday or a Wednesday. Speak to the experts to find out when you're most likely to need actual support and experience the worst side effects.

Cancer or illness of any kind doesn't just throw you a curveball, it throws a fucking nuclear bomb into your entire world. It is horrible, evil and cruel.

I am not an evil person but my DP a few years into our relationship appeared very depressed. After a couple of days or weeks (can't remember now) he confessed that he was hearing voices telling him to kill himself. I called 111, got him an out of hours appointment and sent him off to the appointment on his own. Bear in mind I had a 6 year old asleep in bed upstairs with school in the morning. I then went onto a website similar to MN while I was waiting to hear back. Jesus Christ but I was crucified! Apparently I should have been with him. How could I be so cruel and uncaring? What I wasn't accused of isn't worth mentioning. He was given a referral letter to go to the psychiatric hospital immediately (this was about midnight at this stage) so passed by and dropped in on the way there (hospitals were in different directions from our house). There had been some supportive posts and when I updated the thread, another pile on. I had no fucking choice though, short of ordering an ambulance or something and at that point I had never had any dealings with anything medical involving transportation or similar. He drove to the hospital and was admitted until he was well. He was very hurt that I couldn't visit but I had a commitment to my dd and he had the car (30 miles away)

So what I'm saying is that I can see both sides of this. I've also been very unwell and same ex-DP was utterly brilliant to me. But this is not a simple matter. When children are involved, my instinct would be to prioritise them before anything and that means both of them, not just your own dd.

I hope that I haven't offended and I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this. Don't necessarily write him off. He might care deeply, but feel like he has little options available to him.

Itsmeagainandagain · 14/04/2021 01:08

I'm not going to lie, I've never had cancer or know of anyone close to me having it but what I do know is chemo can knock the stuffings out people who are having it. So I really don't think you are being unreasonable, because you don't know how you will react to every session.

Therewereroses · 14/04/2021 01:17

The reason that I've posted that is that I know people can't understand his viewpoint, but I can. The loneliest thing in the world for you now would be to dump him, go through this alone and have nobody at all. Don't be too pumped by other posters who won't have the fall-out to deal with. It's going to be hard, there is no perfect solution and it will cause inevitable tears along the way. If you can work together rather than pulling against each other and not communicating, you will get through this horrific time that you're facing into. Don't throw him out on the say so of posters with no skin in the game.