People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

Theres times it can be so chicken/egg, because there's times the person recommending NC on mn is someone who comes across as bitter and angry but then you wonder are they like that because of the person they themselves went nc with and so it's warranted. Then there's a chance history will repeat itself, but it's not the fault of the angry person.

I think on mn people who give out about mil's etc don't realise as you get older you get more tired and cranky and you know your own mind better but you're less diplomatic and they themselves will be the same in the future! (I'm 40 and have just realised I am both my dm and dmil!!!!)

I think people have been going NC since time began. 100 years ago, all you had to do was move away. Now it is much harder as we are all supposed to be in contact continually through social media. So instead of things just fading out, people have to make a conscious decision to do it.
I've been NC with my dad for 14 years - did it when he started to include my DC in his toxic games. I wanted to break the cycle and stop him from hurting them. I know lots of people who are LC with family - not everybody grows up in a supportive and loving home.
I don't think it's more common now, I think people are just talking more about it.

Parents often struggle to go NC with abusive children, partially because they continue to feel responsible for them. But on MN I've seen several threads where the parents has been told to go LC with a child because they are abusive.

I agree with the "straw that broke the camels back" scenario described.

I had an emotionally abusive childhood, was the emotional support for my unstable mother who put me and my siblings directly at risk of harm (including nearly being murdered by her partner at one stage).

Growing up in that environment, and understanding that families "didn't air their dirty laundry in public" I had no idea that my childhood was abnormal, or that our family relationships were toxic until I was about to be married.

My inlaws are not perfect, by a long stretch of the imagination, but they are relatively normal people with normal issues and hang ups and they make mistakes like everyone else.

They did make me realise what it was like to be in a relationship with parents who wanted what was best for the child, and was proud of them.

If you don't do well enough, then that's a reflection on the parent, but don't do too well in case you outshine them.

My mother picked fights when she didn't have absolute control of a situation or if I decided to do something she didn't agree with (at the stage when I was an adult no longer living at home). These fights brewed for a couple of months before they blew up, because I didn't want to confront her and the deal with the fall out.

When I had children I had no idea how to parent. My instincts contrasted sharply with the way I was brought up, and it left me an indecisive mess.

I had a lot of therapy to get to the bottom of how I was feeling, and I honestly have been able to forgive my mother for my childhood. She's not able to deal with relationships properly, and she's not doing it on purpose.

Unfortunately, despite my forgiveness for my childhood, she hasn't changed. She still tries to manipulate everyone around her, and throws tantrums when she doesn't get her own way.

She plays favourites with my children (as she did when I was a child), and had already begun bad mouthing the other set of grandparents to my primary school aged children.

When she began trying to pick another fight with me, I ignored it for as long as I could, but eventually she pushes so far that it can't be ignored.

We were not speaking for 6 months (in Covid) before I realised how a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We had birthdays and Christmas with no demands and unreasonable behaviour, which was unusual and very welcome.

At that stage I reapplied that I could get back in contact (with no apology from her) and act like nothing had happened, and in 6 months time we'd repeat the cycle, or I could decide to let it go.

It is exhausting trying to deal with her disruptive and horrible attitude to other members of the family. Trying to stop her from berating other family members (who had done nothing wrong), from treating my children differently, from picking fights with me so she could storm off and send me abusive text messages, and then act like nothing had happened.

My children are too young to have direct contact with her, but in a few years she'll be able to contact them directly, and even if I choose to walk away, she'll be able to contact them and continue to manipulate them.

So I chose to walk away to stop my children from having to deal with her. I can handle her, I'm a grown up, but they shouldn't have to tolerate such a toxic influence.

In doing so I've lost every single member of my family. They have all been pushed into getting involved and to try to get me to speak to her, because that's what usually works. It weighs heavily on me, and affects the relationship I have had with them.

I knew that would happen as everyone is scared of her and it's much easier for all of us if I fall in line and just get back in contact.

I feel guilty all the time that I have no one on my side of the family to support or have a relationship with my children.

It certainly was not done on a whim, or because of something small.

The final falling out was when she refused to come to my youngest child's birthday, because she's not the favourite, when she'd been to both her siblings birthdays in the weeks before. It sounds small, but it's not the entire reason we went NC. It was just the event which caused me to realise that our lives couldn't carry on like this forever.

People don't choose to cut parents and family members out of their lives for no reason. It's because continuing contact becomes unbearable.

Yabu - you have no idea of the context behind the straw that broke the camels back. Whilst the reason may seem trivial to you, there will be a story behind so why judge? Doesn't affect you does it???

@Throckmorton

Surely you understand that there are some very abusive parents out there whose children go NC with them for good reason. And that to people outside the situation, that reason might seem small because you are outside the situation and don't see all of it

Yes, she said so literally in the first line of her OP!

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren

Because it's the parents who almost always created the toxic relationship!!
Do you think a child is born with an ability to cut of a parent?
Or is it more likely that the parent who was responsible for that child who created that dysfunction ?

@notagainmummy

My MIl gets on better with me than her own daughter. Came round yesterday and had a lovely chat. Also several digs at her selfish DD!

Charming. If she bad mouths her daughter off to you I dread to think who she bad mouths you off too.

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren

A lot of posts about inheritance would point the other way. Parents most certainly do cut their children off.

It’s nothing new, it just has an actual label now.
Parents cut their kids off too.

My great grandfather literally ran away to sea without telling his family and ended up settling in NZ from the UK. His future wife was the one who let his family know he still was alive about 30 years later.

@ohforarainyday

I'm assuming the OP is not gay and is unfamiliar with LGBT history.

In the past, it used to be commonplace for parents to disown their children for being gay. It still happens today. Go speak to people who run shelters specifically serving LGBT youth, most of their clients are teens who have been thrown out of home for being LGBT.

Disowning children for changing or abandoning their religious faith is also common in certain faiths.

It's more common for parents to disown their children than the other way around, IMO.

I can't imagine doing that to my child. My love as a mother is unconditional.

and empathy for all posters who have endured such hideous abuse at the hands of your own parents, the very people we should have been able to trust to protect us at a time in our lives when we were at our most vulnerable.

Every one of us deserved better.

Disowned. Disinherited. Cut off. Not speaking to. Estranged. Family feud.

The particular bind that's evident from this thread is that adult children who go NC are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

If they do it after years and years of enduring a situation that makes them miserable, then they were milking the parents for all they could get financially. They have therefore made a calculated decision.

If they do it at a young age, then they didn't allow the relationship time to mature and develop into something more harmonious. They have therefore made a rash and trivial decision.

I particularly found comfort in the pp who talked about not being a court and able to find the parents guilty beyond reasonable doubt. I grew up with emotionally-dysfunctional functioning alcoholics, which means that it took me 17 years to realise that I needed to cut them off. I still doubt whether or not I've made the whole thing up, even though there's actual, logical evidence that tells me otherwise. I'm a lawyer to boot, so naturally veer towards imposing a high burden of proof - and in the case of abusive parents, that's often impossible to discharge. Sometimes what I know in my gut just has to be enough, even if other people don't understand it.

I am NC with my mother after years of abuse. Going NC is not easy and inclusive lot of scorn and judgement from others, especially if the person is manipulative and plays the victim. I have had a lot of people tell me I’m an awful person for doing it to her, they seem to gloss over the fact that usually no one would go to these lengths for no reason but I have to say the peace I have felt in my mind not having her undermine me, invalidate me, emotionally abuse me. Going NC is never because of one single incident or offence, it’s usually after a life time of abuse

*Just because you happen to share biological links with someone doesn't give them the right to abuse you or have automatic access rights to your children.

And define trivial? Being made to feel like shit for years may only be words and therefor trivial to you but it could actually be emotional abuse and severely affecting their mental health.*

Agree. It’s amazing what people think they should be able to do and/or get a way with because they’re blood.

@Darker

Dont forget that abusive people arent abusive to everyone, they save it for their chosen victim and are charming to outsiders.

Yes. People can be very charming/disarming to cover their abuse. In company my brother would shrug his shoulders and give a little laugh and say he had no idea why I wouldn't talk to him, and would then make a little comment with a shake of his head about how he'd tried so hard to help me/no-one likes me + I have no friends/I'd been so horrible/my 'mental health problems'. I know this because I made the mistake of offering mediation with a counsellor and he ran all this and more out to her in the first session.

This is so true. I use to actually defend my mother and tell people she has many great qualities especially when it came to helping other people and going out of her way to support and care for others. Always a good laugh and easy to talk to. I always saw this as good qualities on her part, I never actually realised it was part of her abuse towards me that she’d treat others so well and not her own daughter.

I remember meeting one of my mothers work colleagues once, we were in a pub, I was with my younger brother who introduced us, he didn’t say I was his sister just introduced me by name assuming she’d know who I was. After about half an hour of chatting about my wonderful mother, my brothers, my nieces who she knew by name and everything they got up to because my mother would talk about them all the time, my brother went to the bar. The woman took this opportunity to make her feelings known that she thought someone my age should not be with a young lad like my brother, I asked what she was talking about, he was my brother. She looked so shocked and apologised as she didn’t know John ( my dad, fake name) had a child before marrying my mum. I told her he didn’t, myself and my brothers were all my mothers children. The poor woman didn’t know where to put her face. In over 10 years (I think possibly 12-13 years) of working with my mother, meeting my brothers, knowing the ins and outs of their lives, not just their lives but other family members, grandparents etc... she had never once heard my mother say she had a daughter. I really hope that changed her opinion of my mother and knocked her off the pedestal my mother had perched herself on. I was just a child when they started working together, so even if I’d done something to warrant her disappointment later in life there is no justification for her acting as though her child dose not exist.

I think you are very privileged/lucky if you don’t understand

It means you haven’t experience behaviour bad enough to do this.

As I said, I understand there are people who have very valid reasons for their NC

What about divorce? Does a person need a valid reason to divorce?

How about ending a romantic relationship? A friendship? Leaving their employer?

As another poster has says it's damned if you do damned if you don't.

The amount of shit I have put up with over the years is unreal, but I still kept in contact because "hey it's your mum" "you only get one mum" etc

It took me years to go NC - I was abused mentally, physically and verbally for years. The mother is a narcissist, functioning alcoholic and addict. My sister died because of her. I am still struggling 2 years on from the fallout of my sisters death. I have outed from her side of the family because of the lies she has told about me.

Well you know what I realised that I deserve better. Why should I put up with being abused, physically assaulted, lied about. I have children of my own and would never do anything like what she has done to me.

I suffer from severe anxiety, cptsd, depression and have trust issues. I am in counselling to try and deal with the anger/grief/sadness/trauma I have as I have no output for anything that has happened.

It takes a lot for anyone to cut a parent off and judging someone for this isn't helpful!

I imagine that there are people on here who are even NC with their own families will have children who will go NC with them at some point.

I appreciate that you do acknowledge in your post that there is often abuse involved, but the above sentence is extremely hurtful. Those of us who suffered appalling childhoods and have found the strength to cut contact with the abusers often do so largely to protect our own children from such treatment as we want them to grow up in a happy and healthy environment. To imply that our children are likely to cut off contact with us because - for self-preservation and to protect our own families - we have had to cut an abusive person out of our lives is really unkind.

In many cases, low contact is a better idea. Assuming no abuse etc and if the goal really is just to have as little drama and pain as possible.

There is also a massive difference between no contact and just passive aggressively refusing to speak to someone. There was a thread once by a woman who wanted to go NC with her MIL (sounded like MIL was a bit overbearing and annoying but if there was anything truly terrible going on, OP never mentioned it). Her husband respected that but didn't want to cut contact with his own mother. But now OP was angry and rowing with him because she had answered the landline and it was MIL asking to speak to her son and DIDN'T THEY KNOW SHE WAS NO CONTACT AND HOW TERRIBLE THIS WAS FOR HER???

What about parents who have toxic abusive children? I'll ask again. Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

I’m pretty sure it happened to the poster who’s story inspired the Stately Homes thread.

When she tried to speak about her childhood with her mother, her mother pretty much went NC with her.

Rather than acknowledge or take responsibility for her daughter’s suffering as a child, she chose not to have a relationship with her.

Whenever I’ve heard it “the other way around”, the parents still don’t come out of the situation looking good.

I went NC when I realised that if my DH treated me the way my mother did then I would divorce him.

If I came on the relationship board and told everyone that the treatment I received from my mother was from my DH everyone would say LTB so I did LTB but it was the one who gave birth to me not my DH who actually loves me.

I am a completely different person now, I have had a lot of therapy but I am now happy and content and not constantly angry. Interestingly all my siblings also have gone NC with her but YE it is all my fault and I am cruel. She is such a sweet old woman, she wouldn't hurt a fly, so generous etc etc etc. All shit spouted by people who have never lived with her. Funny everyone who actually lived with her went NC including her own DM.

If you would not put up with the treatment from a partner or a friend then you do not have to put up with it from a parent/sibling. You did not ask to be born into the disfunction, you have permission to leave to protect yourself.

Most people don't go NC with toxic families. Many move, make 2 phone calls a year and visit once a year.

It's less dramatic but sadly, doesn't stop abusive IL to try to butt in when children arrive.

I went LC and sometimes NC with my mum over a number of years in my 20s as she was an alcoholic and drove me to the brink of a breakdown with her drinking, abusive behaviour and refusal to get proper help.

I had to do it for my own mental health and wellbeing and to protect my baby DD from her harmful behaviour.

As it happens, she eventually got the help she needed and now we have a much better relationship, but during those bad times, not one single person looking in could have seen what was really going on at home at that time and probably judged me harshly for it. I don't regret protecting myself or my daughter at all.

@rainbowthoughts

As an adult in my 20s I was vile to my mother at times

So you have always been a bit nasty, it's not just for this thread

Brava!