People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

My DHs family would tell people he's no contact with them because I don't like them.

The reality is he's no contact after finally finding the strength 7 years ago to walk away, the final straw was them not attending our wedding but that's not the whole story, that doesn't mean it was easy and despite counseling he still bears the mental scars and PTSD from their abuse. There are always 3 sides to a story but his is a damn sight closer to the truth than theirs will ever be.

My grandmother was, accordi g to my mother, a crap mother. and yet she was a good grandmother to us.
If my mother had gone NC with her mother she would have deprived us of grandparents.

Maybe it is a trend, because more and more people are sick of the nonsensical idea that you absolutely must have regular contact with people simply because they are blood relatives. This a 100%. A lot of family are over rated and underwhelming.

I think it’s almost impossible to tell whether something is trivial or not from a handful of posts.

Often seems to me that the NC is instigated by a difference of opinion, and people literally cannot tolerate that

Well that's one way of looking at it. My parents were of the opinion that it had been perfectly acceptable for my father to rape me repeatedly when I was a teen. I disagreed.

I don't know about going NC, but I agree about the trivial last straw.

I have a sometimes difficult relationship with one my DSISs and the thing I keep returning to in my head is an incident over sweetcorn nearly a decade ago.

We get on well really until she snaps or I remember the sweetcorn.

I went NC with my Mother in 1995. I had to for my own sanity. I was pregnant and had decided that she wasn't going to ruin it again for me. People recognised the phrase when I used it and those that knew her agreed. When it comes to toxic people it can be difficult to explain what they've done, emotional abuse is difficult to explain to others, but there comes a point were you say enough is enough.

@TheSockMonster

I think it’s almost impossible to tell whether something is trivial or not from a handful of posts.

Very true.

As an adult in my 20s I was vile to my mother at times

So you have always been a bit nasty, it's not just for this thread

@emergencyhydrangea, for you. I'm so sorry you went through that and apologies for posting my flippant comment before reading yours.

Where people's boundaries lie is very much a matter for the individual. NC is no trivial decision. Some people may well be life's natural flouncers who cut off their own parents on a whim, but I don't imagine in general this is something done without cost and possibly a great deal of pain. A pattern I've noticed (and I've read about this particular situation a lot) is that the estranged parents almost always insist they have no idea what they did wrong. In the case of sons, the parents will also usually insist it's their wife who is to blame. The children of these parents are equally adamant that the parents know exactly what happened.

This scenario is so common there has to be a reason for it. It might be that the parents are as baffled as they say, but what they really mean is 'why has my child cut me off NOW, when I've been used to behaving this way to them all my life? What's changed, and why are these boundaries now in place? In those situations, a seemingly trivial event could have ended up proving the last straw. Equally, children can be abusive to their parents and the same thing could well be true in reverse. But the complex manoeuvring of control and capitulation is normally established in childhood.

FWIW - I was exceptionally close to my mother, and also had a good relationship with my FiL. My father was an abuser who once stoved my head into a door so violently he gave me concussion. I suppose you would say that NC with him was 'justified'. But a person doesn't need to go that far if they're constantly eroding your dignity and self-esteem. My MiL did this - or tried to, through various passive-aggressive means - for nigh-on two decades. I tolerated it for this long and now barely see her. There was no drama, no flouncing, no final straw, no withholding contact with the DC, no giving DH an ultimatum of 'her or me'. In the end I simply ran out of steam, emotional energy and all inclination to deal with her.

If NC within families is far too common, so is physical and emotional abuse. This I will not accept from anyone, shared DNA or not.

What about parents who have toxic abusive children?

Parents of children under 18 have all the power ... It's pretty rare for the children to be the cause of the problem (although it can be of course). More often it's things like parents dragging their children into their acrimonious divorce or subjecting them to a series of bad relationships, parents having favourites amongst their children, parents trying to manipulate and control their adult children, not accepting their life choices, criticising their partners, etc.
Also there is an evolutionary element that makes parents forgive their children and support them because to do so means the genes are likely to be passed down. There's no particular advantage to being nice to elderly parents, unless the parents are helpful to you in some way.
Also, it's often in laws rather than a person's own parents that are the subject of dislike..most people do feel they owe their own parents something, but not their in laws.
However I do know people who have gone NC with their children so it definitely happens.

@likeamillpond well... your OP is referring to my thread in part, and I'm sorry to say, you've not read it right and have passed on wrong information.

Therein lies the problem... Chinese whispers.

As I said....and I will repeat. It was a death by a thousand cuts. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't take the decision lightly. Pp also agree with this.

Maybe setting boundaries is a "thing" now. I dunno. But NC is sometimes necessary. It's not as black and white as it may seem to you.

@rainbowthoughts

As an adult in my 20s I was vile to my mother at times

So you have always been a bit nasty, it's not just for this thread

Dont be ridiculous. Vile was maybe a strong word for clashed a lot with her back in the day. We didn t always see eye to eye when I was younger We'd have a argument t and then things would blow over and we'd be friends again. As weve got older we've iboth mellowed and get on really well these days People change. Relationships change.

Somebody on here said the other day, that every tie their mil pisses them off they go no contact for a couple of months and that it ' trained' her to behave in a way they deemed appropriate.

Disgusting attitude. Absolutely vile.

[quote Eslteacher06]@likeamillpond well... your OP is referring to my thread in part, and I'm sorry to say, you've not read it right and have passed on wrong information.

Therein lies the problem... Chinese whispers.

As I said....and I will repeat. It was a death by a thousand cuts. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't take the decision lightly. Pp also agree with this.

Maybe setting boundaries is a "thing" now. I dunno. But NC is sometimes necessary. It's not as black and white as it may seem to you.[/quote]
Not everybody agreed.
Some thought you were being very harsh some thought you weren't.

'What about parents who have toxic abusive children?
I'll ask again.
Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?'

Lockdown?
Hard to get jobs?

And of course.

They aren't posting on MN!

It's hard to leave when you're a child but most get out as soon as they can. Others seek security elsewhere which can often lead to exploitation.

If you want to find children who have parents they want to get away from then the papers are a good bet, it charities that work in that sector including with rough sleeping/ homelessness.

Also it isn’t remotely new. What else was running away to sea/joining the french foreign legion etc other than going NC by a different name?

I think in previous generations there was much more of a feeling that you had to stick out relationships. Relationship with spouses, siblings and parents.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing that more people are willing to walk away from relationships that cause them nothing but stress and harm. I hate when I have friends repeatedly telling me about a person in their life who shows them nothing but disrespect and unkindness and yet they maintain a relationship simply because they feel they have to.

Having said that I do think that in some cases low:no contact is used as a form of manipulation or punishment. I also think sometimes people might do it because they aren’t able to hold healthy boundaries while still having contact.

However most people probably go low:no contact for very good reasons. Some of which probably sound flippant to people who aren’t part of the relationships they’re in. Some of the most upsetting stuff my mum has said/done to me sounds ridiculous when I talk about it. The accumulation of all those small comments/actions really adds up though.

Dont be ridiculous.

I was going on what you posted

I somewhat agree, OP.

There are clearly situations where it is right to cut contact (abuse, threats, history of genuine neglect). But the vast majority of the instances I see on Mumsnet go nowhere near that threshold. In many cases it seems that the person choosing to go NC is prickly and intolerant (although the family/friend may be no prize pig either). If they start muttering on about classic narcissists, golden child, grey rock etc, I assume they themselves are very difficult to live with.

I also wonder about all the posters urging OPs to cut their families and friends out of their lives for rather trivial reasons. It may be related to the number of MN users who (by their own account) are adrift in the world without family or friends. There seems to be a view that imperfect relationships are of no value, whereas I say they are part of a normal life.

I've also seen an awful lot of threads where many posters say a child aged 16, 17, 18 should be kicked out of home which I'm always taken aback by.

@likeamillpond of course it dose happen. Maybe the parents don’t tell people because they are ashamed of their parenting skills.... I have no idea, why would I?

I’m assuming you have a reason to ask these questions?

@likeamillpond Im referring to the people on this thread.

I notice you haven't acknowledged providing wrong information.

It's like when there's threads about how on mumsnet it's always ltb for trivial reasons.

With no contact/ ltb I've not seen it when it wasn't warranted. I don't tend to go to relationships all that much but still.