People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

I think a lot of people on MN who say this over trivial things are lying tbh. In real life nc almost always happens over something really serious.

@LovePoppy
Exactly!!! One person cannot break a family unless the bond wasn’t strong in the first place. DH says he was never close with his sibling anyway!

[quote Ursulaundresss]@LovePoppy
Exactly!!! One person cannot break a family unless the bond wasn’t strong in the first place. DH says he was never close with his sibling anyway![/quote]
It’s shocking how many are willing to blame the new(female) partner

@fluffysocks89

I don’t believe people cut parents out their lives without good reason

There are always exceptions for everything. Just reading some of the threads on gransnet affirms this. It’s not black and white.

That is one side of a story though

I’m low contact with my DM. I wouldn’t go NC because I do love her and she’s 81 and on her own. She’s also Granny to my DDs and she’s one of only two DGPs in their lives. (The other being my MIL.)

My DSis has moved a long way away to get away from her, though she also maintains contact with her from a distance.

She’s done nothing that anyone who didn’t know us well would know about. So why are we low contact? Because she didn’t protect us as children from the sexual abuse we suffered at the hands of our F. Okay, she didn’t know, so I don’t openly hold it against her, and I know that she was devastated when we told her several years ago. But it was all connected to her being emotionally distant from us when we were children.

She’s also very capable of emotional blackmail. She’ll burst into tears if we ever bring up the past, and ask us not to ‘spoil her time with her DGCs.’

You have no idea what other people’s relationships with their parents are really like; their reasons might seem trivial, but they’re unlikely to tell you the full story unless you know them very well.

@Anycrispsleft

Why don't you hear of adults cutting off abusive children? Surely you can see that any behaviour towards an adult can never be as bad as abuse of a child, as children are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents for many years and form the basis of their self esteem and ability to have relationships off the treatment that they receive from their parents. Children are uniquely vulnerable.

So all the elderly/disabled who are financially and physically abused by their "loving" adult children/other relatives [and it happens a LOT, in my long experience as an adults' social worker should just suck it up?

What an appalling ageist, ableist attitude.

@likeamillpond well... your OP is referring to my thread in part, and I'm sorry to say, you've not read it right and have passed on wrong information.

Therein lies the problem... Chinese whispers.

As I said....and I will repeat. It was a death by a thousand cuts. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I didn't take the decision lightly. Pp also agree with this.

Maybe setting boundaries is a "thing" now. I dunno. But NC is sometimes necessary. It's not as black and white as it may seem to you.

Not everybody agreed.
Some thought you were being very harsh some thought you weren't.

So a poster tells you that you misrepresented her thread and your response is not everyone agreed with her?

You're being very simplistic, and YABU to assume there have beeen no threads where parents/ILs have gone NC with their children, it happens and there have been threads about it.

Some people might benefit from reading this - it’s very interesting about estranged parents forums
www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/which-parents-are-abusive.html

^So all the elderly/disabled who are financially and physically abused by their "loving" adult children/other relatives [and it happens a LOT, in my long experience as an adults' social worker should just suck it up?

What an appalling ageist, ableist attitude^

It would be appaling if that was my attitude, that is to say, if by "children are uniquely vulnerable" I meant "nobody else is ever affected by abuse". But that's not what I said at all, and I think you know that.

It’s shocking how many are willing to blame the new(female) partner

Easier than looking at themselves, I suppose.

What an appalling ageist, ableist attitude.

It is quite disturbing that this is your response to someone commenting on how utterly dependent and vulnerable a child is.

People experiencing abuse and toxic relationships don't need permission or encouragement from anyone online. Let's face it, if these were civil, normal and supportive relationships no one would contemplate ending them.

Having a new partner, who recognises the impact and is supportive of your needs can be a huge help for someone to find the strength to do without someone who is trampling boundaries and a source of pain.

Why don't you hear of adults cutting off abusive children? Surely you can see that any behaviour towards an adult can never be as bad as abuse of a child, as children are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents for many years and form the basis of their self esteem and ability to have relationships off the treatment that they receive from their parents. Children are uniquely vulnerable.

You've not heard of parents (usually Dads) who abandon their kids? Or parents who can't cope and put their kids in care or up for adoption?

You give examples of "reasons" that people went NC. I would bet money on that being the final straw. At the end of the day you can't force another adult to change their ways but you can stop exposing yourself to abuse. I have an abusive mother who I haven't seen this side of the millennium and one of the reasons that I haven't been in contact since is because I'm a parent and it's my job to protect my kids from the cycle of abuse. The cycle can only end with action like NC and I'm proud that my kids weren't exposed to her behaviour. It's very sad when I read stories on here about parents exposing their kids to toxic behaviour of their parents because of a misguided notion that the grandparents have a right to a relationship with their grandchildren. Kids something med need protecting from abusive people including their relatives. It is easy for some parents to minimize how horrible their parents are because distance means that they see them infrequently anyway, it's also hard if your spouse comes from a functional family and doesn't understand how you end up having to go NC for you and your family. But it needs to be done sometimes

It is easier to enable or ignore your adult child's behaviour than take a stand against it. There are a lot of things stents pretending that their adult children are alcoholics, addicts or whatever because they aren't the ones beaten up or struggling for food money because their other half has gambled it away. These wilfully blind people want to maintain contact with the grandchildren and pretend to the outside world that everything is fine.

@SinkGirl

Thanks for that link, fascinating! So, so interesting...

We've been at the end of some of the behaviour listed.

It's very hard to understand unless you've been in it.
My own dp had rocky relationships with my siblings, one parent really and one sibling...
However it was quite clear cut.. They argued badly.. Got on.. Argued.. Got on.. Apocalypse type argument and didn't bother with each other ever again.
No attempt was made to control the sibling or stalk him or cut him off from other people... Etc etc.

In dh family, if he said no to attending anything he'd get hounded by fil! Emails, calls, coming to the house... Talking at dh as if he should and was going to do something!!

Trying to coherse him... Mil has sulked, given gifts then saught praise... Withdrawn gifts etc.

Never said a nice word to my dh in all the time I've known him just constant endless picking at small issues..

I've been in this and its taken me ages and ages to understand it.. They have also pretty much cut him off from they rest of the family.
If we visit other family members they turn up.

@MaryQuietContrary

It is easier to enable or ignore your adult child's behaviour than take a stand against it. There are a lot of things stents pretending that their adult children are alcoholics, addicts or whatever because they aren't the ones beaten up or struggling for food money because their other half has gambled it away. These wilfully blind people want to maintain contact with the grandchildren and pretend to the outside world that everything is fine.

This reminds me of the poster with the alcoholic, abusive son who complains her ex DIL is essentially the devil for not allowing them access to the child/grandchild.

She gets her arse handed to her every time she posts, but the denial is strong.

Mary, it's taken us a long long time to try and distance our dc from them.

Sometimes gp do change, they do soften... And want to be better... So we did give them a chance.

I'm extremely worried about pils hounding our dc when they eventually get hold of their phones etc through social media when dc are older to pressure them like they did to dh

That's what I'm worried about.. And Mil cries... And fil puts his arm around her then scoots off.. I'm so concerned about them having all this un leashed onto them...

I'm thinking only two things may help them.. They will be at least 17 by then.. So even if they do go there the novelty will wear off pretty soon as its a horrid environment and they will want to be with their friends...

Two, pils will be older and again... Hopefully dc simply won't want to engage much.

• this whole situation has gone agaisnt my entire natural feelings... I wouldn't have dreamed I'd ever be in such a position..

But my in laws are so negative, toxic... Controlling, coercive... Depressing.... Who have severely impacted dh mental health and then mine.. I'd be really concerned about dc spending time with them....

My kids are teens and on SM so could be contacted but haven't been. My parents don't even know how many kids I have. I have told them that they are free to contact them if they wish but they have no interest in knowing them which is best for everyone really.

People can change but I can't make another adult change and I'm not risking the mental health of my kids and I "just in case". In my case there's lots of evidence that I made the right choice based on my mums behaviour towards my siblings families and partners.

Your lucky in that sense Mary.
My in laws have turned up uninvited to school stuff and will absolutely track them down and get numbers... And then hound them.
The attention maybe flattering at first but pretty soon they will be in the "web" all spun around Mil....

My dad went nc with me for years. His wife didn't like me and insisted he cut me out of his life. I was the last in the list of many, and there has been plenty since. Inc his siblings.
She tells people I don't speak to them. I've started to talk with him again after his mother died. The relationship is damaged now but I stay in touch. He recently met my 5 year old for the first time and seen my 13 year old for the first time since he was 6.
He missed my wedding in the intervening years.
But its his loss. Not mine.

Our position has been made a lot easier by the fact that my F is dead and has been for 23 years. A relationship with my DM wouldn’t be possible otherwise, with our DDs.

My DM is hard work but at least she means well. And I’ve also learned to be assertive when it comes to maintaining boundaries with her.

For those who claim that no parents ever go NC with their children: let us note that there is an entire formal category in university administration of 'estranged students': students who have no family support, and have particular needs, especially for funding and accommodation (this is separate from the much larger group of students whose families can't support them due to lack of money).

Of course, the 'estranged students' represent the most favourable, and not very common, outcome. Most rejected young people don't get into higher education in the first place. Many end up on the streets:
www.homeless.org.uk/our-work/national-projects/youth-homelessness

The fact that most rejected young people don't post on places like Mumsnet doesn't mean that there aren't any!

Lots of people are opening up here with some really sad and painful stories, including my own.
And yet... Where is op? Op picked on the one post that went agaisnt this grain and that's it

I have found this thread quite comforting to read... So many of us in the same boat. However it concerns me that people callously start these threads and people pour their hearts out in good faith... When op is a rock and won't take in board what they've said?

Re parental estrangement, unfortunately it happens in blended families too where one parent doesn't bother with their previous dc anymore..

YABVU, you have no clue why people went NC. What you think is trivial may be played down because people dont want and dont have to tell you their whole life story or the tip of the iceberg. You sound very ignorant and live in a happy family bubble. Have empathy for those less blessed.