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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

304 replies

likeamillpond · 12/04/2021 22:41

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

OP posts:
thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 10:11

MN is full of posters cutting off their kids the minute they turn 18 and boasting how proud they are.

Echobelly · 13/04/2021 10:13

I think there's usually more behind NC than just one incident, that might be the main thing one hears about. I suspect it's usually a straw that breaks camel's back scenario.

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 10:13

Replace "NC" with "not bothering with" and it is less dramatic but just as efficient.

Women no longer feeling obliged to put up with toxic in-laws, sounds like a very healthy move to me!

Even today, there are posters who believe they can ignore parents wishes and have a right to a cuddle with a newborn, to contact with a child despite being vile to the parents.

So the family going NC , avoiding all the drama and nastiness is a mature and simple solution.

Rainbowandscarlett · 13/04/2021 10:20

I went nc with my mother 10 years ago
On the surface I threw a tantrum over a £35 phone bill (must pay that sometme)
Under the surface she is a toxic woman who abused me for 33 years
Some of the stories I could tell are 100% true but seem so far fetched they are unbelievable
I snapped
But if you knew her in real life you'd think she is a sweet lady who wouldn't hurt anyone and I'm a bitch
It was her or me
I chose me

Cam2020 · 13/04/2021 10:22

Sometimes the final reason might sound trivial, but it could be the last straw. Without knowing a full history, its difficult to say.

I do think it's sad though. Ive had sone horrendous falling outs with my parents before but I can't inagine just giving up like that. Relationships are difficult though, and I do think peolle in general are less prepared to stick with things (and people) these days. I think there's also an inflated sense of ego amongst people now and people seem less able to agree to disagree.

Some relationships just aren't healthy though and need curtailing.

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 10:24

Life is too short for putting up with in-laws and people who are a nuisance.

We spend most of our life at work with people we don't chose, no need to do the same on what little days off and private life we have.

Losttheequipment · 13/04/2021 10:26

I think half the time it’s people posting any old shit on here in order to fit in with the crowd. I seriously doubt some they are all as cruel in real life.

Sweetener12 · 13/04/2021 10:28

Watching every little word and action is actually important. We don't pay a lot of attention to the way we treat (or hurt!) others, but we really should. More and more people are building their boundaries lately and it's a good thing to see. I'm personally happy for those who decided to go NC with toxic people and feel happier after doing so.

thebabessavedme · 13/04/2021 10:30

Its just not a black and white issue to go NC with family though, We have a situation in which my son-in-law has been NC with his parents for the last year - he and our dd have been married over 10 years and have dc, over the years I have witnessed (and have been on the recieving end of too) some bloody awful behaviour from my dd in-laws, I have always advised her to be the bigger person, keep the peace etc until the last episode when I have said that I feel that whatever her dh decides (nc or lc) she now has no obligation to include them in HER life, or that of her dcs anymore. The last episode was too awful, hurtful and nasty to ignore any longer and I think they need to understand that they simply cannot behave so badly and not expect consiquences.
My heart breaks for my son-in-law, he is a lovely man who actually loves his parents dearly but who has spent all his life trying to please his parents and lived for the moment they would say they were proud of him, although he is struggling so much with NC I have watched him absolutely blossom this last year into a fantastic guy, a wonderful role model for his dc and a much calmer and happier person for not having such a negative influence in his life.

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 10:30

@Losttheequipment

I think half the time it’s people posting any old shit on here in order to fit in with the crowd. I seriously doubt some they are all as cruel in real life.
It's not cruel to avoid people you don't like or who make your life a misery. It should be common sense!

The only positive thing of the pandemic is to give good reasons to avoid people and pretend you "wait until it's over" to go NC.

notagainmummy · 13/04/2021 10:39

My MIl gets on better with me than her own daughter. Came round yesterday and had a lovely chat. Also several digs at her selfish DD!

Losttheequipment · 13/04/2021 10:41

It's not cruel to avoid people you don't like or who make your life a misery. It should be common sense!

Are you going to be saying that when your kids cut you off for something trivial?

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 13/04/2021 10:42

I see both sides - going NC for "no reason" is cruel and quite controlling (I.e. toe the line or you don't see the grandkids) but it's rarely actually "no reason" is it? Other posters have got it so right when they talk about the final straw after years of abuse or disrespect. I went LC with my in laws last year and it's so much better for everyone. DH manages his and DC relationship with them. It was a "small" incident that came after years and years of them wearing me down. As soon as I stepped away my DH got loads of loaded messages implying that theh didn't know what happened, questioning my mental stability and even sort of suggesting I was abusing my DH! It calmed down after a couple of days and we're all (them included) happier now as much fewer stand-offs or passive aggression.

twoshedsjackson · 13/04/2021 10:50

The term may be new, but I agree with PP's that it has happened in all generations. My DM went NC with her "D"F before I was born.
In one way, it was harder then to go against convention, but without modern media, moving away by a relatively short distance could effectively make the break.
I also agree that it is rarely one trivial thing, but "death by a thousand cuts", and the final break may simply be a quiet "fizzling out".

PurplePinkParade · 13/04/2021 10:51

YABU. You have no idea about other people's personal circumstances.

I went NC with DF for a year. On paper the reasons seem trivial, but he is a toxic person and ruined my life and the lives of those around me, for a long time, wearing us down, putting himself first, always being late. I have contact with him now because he didn't respect my boundaries and kept turning up to my house crying and sending letters and parcels to me, and refusing to leave until we talked. Now I see him a few times a year, on my terms. Easier than NC and keeps the peace, but doesn't mess with my head and keeps him at a distance.

mindutopia · 13/04/2021 10:52

There certainly are parents who chose not to have a relationship with their adult children. But I think the stories that are told are not always the whole story. And I think the pain that adults feel about a child is not quite the same as the pain that children grow up with as a result of parents who are dysfunctional.

My mum's partner has no relationship with his adult children. He has made little effort over the years and any effort made has been solidly refused. The story was that he tried for many years and was such a good dad, but finally gave up when he realised they were never going to have anything to do with him. It kind of looks like he went NC with them. In reality, they went NC with him, but it sort of looks like he tried really hard to foster a relationship, but then walked away when he didn't feel he could do more. The truth is that he sexually abused at least one (possibly both) of them, was convicted, and their mum rightly protected them and did not facilitate a relationship with him.

To the outside world, it all looks very trivial, like they had a little spat and his daughters are brats and he tried, but for his own mental health, gave up after trying so hard and wanting to be such a 'good dad'. Absolutely no one knows the real story except for them (and me). It's a sad tale they tell all their friends and everyone thinks his daughters are awful selfish people who have denied him being able to know his grandchildren. I'm sure they tell the same story about me too (I am also NC with them, because of the abuse and the risk they put my children at until I found out about his history of and ongoing sexual abuse of children - he has continued to offend and my mum turns a blind eye).

Life is often much more complex than what it looks like on the outside to people who don't really know. But for most people, it's hard to tell these stories about how messed up your family is. So you get the whitewashed version, but the truth is much more complicated.

Fwiw, I never in a million years thought something like this would happen in my family. I never thought I'd be NC with my mum. I never thought she'd be an apologist for child sexual abuse. We had a great, happy normal family life growing up and she was a very involved grandparent. Until suddenly, she was angry and defensive and wanted nothing to do with us if I wasn't okay with her partner. I think until you've been there, it's very hard to imagine it could so easily be you.

SmashedAvocado · 13/04/2021 10:53

I was on the 50th birthday thread you are referring to OP and you quoted my post on it with the comment ‘the downside of going NC’.

My family actually went NC with me not the other way round. I’m one of the rare cases I suppose.

The reason they went NC was because I decided to meet my absent father at the age of 38, who had been prevented from having contact with me after my parents divorce when I was 6/7. My mother even moved across the country without telling him so he didn’t know where we were for years. I also confronted my mother about her abuse of me as a child (a strangulation attempt where I passed out and had bruises on my neck for weeks is one example) which I had realised via therapy was to keep me quiet about my sexual abuse by an older sibling. Myself, my DH and DC were cut off by my entire family for ‘upsetting’ her for bringing all this up. She had also started singling out one of my DC by telling him he was ugly (he wore glasses like me) while telling his twin he was handsome just prior to this which is what prompted the confrontation. They were 7 at the time and the ‘handsome’ one started saying to the ‘ugly’ one ‘You’re ugly, even Grandma says so’ when they’d argue.

I had hoped the confrontation would make her think and change her behaviour. At least apologise to my DS as well, but she thinks she has nothing to apologise for and had no regrets apparently.

‘Trivial’ enough for you? You should think yourself lucky you have no idea what you’re talking about when you are questioning why people are NC with family members.

ohforarainyday · 13/04/2021 11:05

I'm assuming the OP is not gay and is unfamiliar with LGBT history.

In the past, it used to be commonplace for parents to disown their children for being gay. It still happens today. Go speak to people who run shelters specifically serving LGBT youth, most of their clients are teens who have been thrown out of home for being LGBT.

Disowning children for changing or abandoning their religious faith is also common in certain faiths.

It's more common for parents to disown their children than the other way around, IMO.

thebillyotea · 13/04/2021 11:07

@Losttheequipment

It's not cruel to avoid people you don't like or who make your life a misery. It should be common sense!

Are you going to be saying that when your kids cut you off for something trivial?

why do you think my kids would cut me off? I respect their friends and will respect their partners. I don't have to become my DILs best friend or favourite person in the world, but it's not up to me to dictate how they live, how they get married (if at all), how they have their children.

If you manage to have friends and respect normal boundaries in your social life, it's not that hard to show the same respect for your kids and their partners.

VanillaCokeZero · 13/04/2021 11:08

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

This is such a painful thread to read, particularly peoples examples of how it’s affected them. I don’t believe that anyone takes NC or even LC lightly. Being driven to the point where you can’t put up with the way someone is treating you anymore is not a situation one would treat lightly. People are generally more aware of assertiveness nowadays and the fact that they have the right to say no, but they also understand that standing up for themselves and settling boundaries and saying no can have adverse consequences. It’s often very hard to do but sometimes the pain of that is worth not being oppressed
Absolutely.

I went NC with a sibling six years ago, I truly felt and feel like I had no choice and had to do it for my own sanity. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I still have nightmares every week, it led to the more severe period of depression and self harm I’ve endured, medication and multiple rounds of therapy. It was still the right thing to do and I had to do it. And I’ll maintain it until the end of my days no matter what.

OP is sadly incredibly naive if she doesn’t realise that there are numerous cases where NC is the safest, kindest option. People are allowed to prioritise their own wellbeing, maintain their own boundaries, and not accept poor treatment from others.

Anycrispsleft · 13/04/2021 11:12

@Losttheequipment

It's not cruel to avoid people you don't like or who make your life a misery. It should be common sense!

Are you going to be saying that when your kids cut you off for something trivial?

If I made my kids' lives a misery I wouldn't consider that a trivial reason for them to go NC with me.
Pandoraslastchance · 13/04/2021 11:12

Just because you happen to share biological links with someone doesn't give them the right to abuse you or have automatic access rights to your children.

And define trivial? Being made to feel like shit for years may only be words and therefor trivial to you but it could actually be emotional abuse and severely affecting their mental health.

VanillaCokeZero · 13/04/2021 11:13

It’s no surprise that the type of parent who is cut off by their children is often the type of parent to be unable or unwilling to reflect on why that has happened. Usually they blame everything or everyone else before looking at their own actions and how they contributed to the situation. And then run around and tell everyone it was for the tiniest reason and OMG how unreasonable and nasty is my child to do this to poor old me?

Chipsahoy · 13/04/2021 11:14

It’s the hardest decision in the world. So hard, I can’t bring myself to do it, even though their contact re traumatises me.

I don’t believe people cut parents out their lives without good reason.

TurquoiseDragon · 13/04/2021 11:14

No such thing as NC for a trivial reason. There will always be something you don't know about the situation.

My DC went NC with their dad when I left him. And while he wasn't physically abusive, he was throwing things and it was clearly escalating, along with all the emotional, verbal, financial and (in my case) sexual abuse. They were plenty old enough to choose.

He could charm people, at least for a while. But once I was no longer there to be his punchbag, his mask slipped, and outsiders finally saw the real him. Until then, I'm sure some people thought I left for trivial reasons. I just didn't talk about it as it wasn't anyone else's business.