People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.

Just behave like a civilised adult and you don’t need to worry about anyone going NC.

I didn’t speak to my mother for years because of what on the surface was trivial but it was the last straw in a totally dysfunctional relationship.

I had a totally dysfunctional relationship with a violent father and a weak mother who did nothing to shield me from him. On the evening after his funeral my mother denied the years of abuse as my imagination and my sister backed her up. I walked out of the house at 11pm and got a taxi into the city where I was fortunate enough to catch the last train. I dont think they even realized i had left the house until next day. I ignored my mothers frantic phone calls for three weeks until she finally wrote to me. I sent one letter telling her I would never contact her again unless she wrote back apollagising and acknowledging what my father had done. She never wrote back and I went NC until she died 3 years later.

I never went to her funeral.

What's it to you? The fact that more people have boundaries and don't subscribe to the idea that they should stay in regular contact with others just because these people are blood relatives should be applauded.

@likeamillpond

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago. It seems to be mainly adult children going NC with their parents.

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren.
Can someone explain why that is?
After all, adult children can be a pain at times

Of course it was, unless I was a pioneer since I’ve been no contact with my father for 25 years.

You have no idea of people’s history. I don’t tell people I was abused by my dad, I just say we have no contact. Maybe some people feel sorry for him when they hear that.

Whilst agreeing with the sentiment that it appears some people cut off contact for trivial reasons or a seemingly trivial thing being the last straw, there have always been people who have gone NC with relatives. I worked with one who had not spoken to his brother in over 20 years, who lived less than a mile away. A cousin was NC with my uncle for many years (won't say why but would do the same had it been me).

I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.

just give as much respect and space to your son or daughter in law as you give your neighbours, colleagues and to a point friends (but friends chose you, your kids partners didn't!), then you'll be fine.

You wouldn't try to dictate what a colleague buys for their house, who they invite for a party, name their child, demand to be there for a birth, or demand to be invited on your birthday or Christmas, would you?

If you are offensive and abusive towards everybody, then no one can help

It isn't just the past couple of years - I have heard the phrase regularly for over ten years.

OP. When someone tells you they are NC, they don't have to tell you ALL the reasons why. Sometimes they will be too humiliating and personal to share, or they will be "death by a thousand cuts" experiences where it's difficult to explain the cumulative damage that has been done.

I experienced a lifetime of emotional and mental abuse from my mother before finally standing up to her, at which point she had no further use for me and went NC with me, which she had previously done with her own mother and her only sibling.

If I told you the thing she did that made me stand up to her, you would no doubt think it trivial, but it's that realisation of the abuse and the impact it has had on you. If you don't have such toxic people in your life then you are very fortunate, and I hope it stays that way.

However, please stop judging those of us who have had to be NC or who recognise the signs of abuse in others stories and recommend reducing/limiting contact.

"@likeamillpond Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC"

Op, i think i am this poster? I personally went NC with my mum and "flying monkey" sister when i was 45 after decades of abuse from them. The final straw came for me when my mum told me she "wished she had had me aborted" in front of my 2 DC. That was actually one of the nicest things she said to put it into context for you. I had always been a good caring, loyal and thoughtful daughter but clearly the family scapegoat. I only found strength to do that since being on this site and being made aware that i had that choice.

I was not alone yesterday, i was with my DC and my ex DH and ex MIL ( who knew my family well and saw what i went through ). I also said in my post that i am the happiest i have ever been and very content with my life. I was surrounded yesterday with love and kindness, not abuse and nastiness. That is what going NC has meant for me.

I don’t think going NC is an issue, I just find it weird when people come on here and ask if they should. If someone is pushing you to that point, then why wouldn’t you? Do you really need the approval of strangers whom you’ll never meet?

I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.

My MiL doesn't want a relationship with me. Even when I was there, she was quite happy to sit directing passive aggressive little barbs my way every time the opportunity presented itself. Nor did she seem to mind it that made other people in the room uncomfortable, not least my husband, who puts up with a lot from her (but that's his decision to make).

I stepped back. I never interfere, she doesn't have to ask my permission for anything - DH deals with all that - I get to preserve my own boundaries and emotional wellbeing. Now she gets a relationship with the DC, and she gets a relationship from her DS: all without my presence or input, and she doesn't even have to see me, which I'm sure is what she wants given she's never taken any pains to hide her disapproval.

Win-win. By many people's reckoning on this thread, I'm the dream DiL. Are some people never grateful?

@Hadjab

I don’t think going NC is an issue, I just find it weird when people come on here and ask if they should. If someone is pushing you to that point, then why wouldn’t you? Do you really need the approval of strangers whom you’ll never meet?

Isn't the answer to that somewhere in the fact that this thread exists? It's hugely stigmatised and very, very hard to do. In many cases, living in the abusive/toxic situation has left the person with little trust in themselves and their perception of reality. Sometimes people need some objectivity to counteract the inner voice telling them that they're being too harsh or oversensitive.

I don't think it's so much about approval as it is about knowing that others are out there who've gone NC and survived it.

From the responses, the OP clearly has no idea how a person going NC must be feeling and how difficult it actually is to make that decision.

The OP is also failing to understand that the decision to go NC isn't usually flippant, it's either a result of a very serious event, or more likely a series of events, the final one of which is that final straw, the tip of the iceberg. I really don't think many people go NC just because they don't really get on with their family members or have a difference of opinions. You'll find in most cases the background is far, far more toxic than this. It's often difficult, if not impossible, to assess this from someone's online posts tbh. No one can give their full life story and even if so, they'll always be posters who misjudge the situation, intentionally or not. Or those claiming we only know half the story, well, yes, but this invalidate the posters' reasons for concern and going NC.

You could do with trying to open your eyes a bit wider sometimes, OP. Your perspective is rather narrow as it stands.

likeamillpond

I am NC with my older sibling.

I suspect that you would be the one saying 'its just teasing', 'its what siblings do', 'its how they show their affection', 'they have always been a wind up merchant' and all the other rubbish that allowed my sibling to get away with bulling for years.

My younger sibling never mentioned anything as it made them the target, and my father did nothing because my mother supported my elder sibling, so my elder sibling can't have done anything wrong.

Just FYI when at work my elder sibling was given formal warning due to his 'winding up of colleagues'.

You would no doubt consider me 'too sensitive' but strangely enough I don't and have never had the same issues with anyone else mainly because if they are arseholes I can limit my contact with them.

Do you really need the approval of strangers whom you’ll never meet?

I think it’s less approval and more about removing yourself from the emotion of it and getting others to look at it objectively. If you have someone who is laying on the guilt pretty thick about lots of personal things it’s hard to see through that and take what their doing as what it is, shitty behaviour.

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago.

It was, and possibly still is, more commonly known as estrangement. It's not a new concept at all.

*doesn't invalidate, sorry about the typo

I agree with all those PPs who have pointed out that the 'trivial reason' is often just one small example of years of unacceptable and destructive behaviour. Plus, it's common for abusive people to downplay their own behaviour so their side of the story will almost always sound like the other person over-reacted.

In my case, I stopped all contact with a family member nearly 20 years ago. He told anyone who would listen that this was because he was excited to hear that my DD1 had been born and phoned me late that night asking to meet her. Several family friends tried to persuade me to change my mind- apparently he understood that I had been a bit hormonal/emotional and did not hold the incident against me.

The reality is that he had been violent and manipulative towards me since we were children- including forcing me to collude in him cheating on his wife, stealing from me and getting me involved in risky situations etc (there was always a very convoluted excuse for him being involved in situations and he would plead for me to help him out of it- if I didn't the threats would start).

DH and I agreed before DD1 was born that we did not want to have any contact with this person but had not made a big announcement etc. He phoned, very drunk, the night after DD1 was born with a story about having been kicked out by his wife 'for no reason' and insisting that he was going to come to stay with us for a while. I tried to put him off etc but he became more insistent and very threatening. Eventually I told him that I did not want to have any contact with him again and that if he came to my door I would call the police. After a few days of nasty phone calls we changed our home and mobile numbers.

I have never wanted to go in to all the details of his behaviour with all my extended family and friends so I know that quite a lot of them think I made a big deal of nothing but am to stubborn to back down.

This person also treated his parents really badly but for many years they tried to cover up for him etc. They did eventually limit contact with him after some particularly nasty behaviour but they have only told a few people about this. I'm sure most people just assume he's moved away.

@Hadjab

I don’t think going NC is an issue, I just find it weird when people come on here and ask if they should. If someone is pushing you to that point, then why wouldn’t you? Do you really need the approval of strangers whom you’ll never meet?

As a pp has also said- it's not really about wanting approval from strangers. In many cases (including my own) it's about someone looking for the confidence to remove themselves from the influence of an abusive person. They have often been putting up with unpleasant behaviour for years and the abuser will probably have spent that time persuading them that they are overreacting/minimising the abuse etc. I can entirely understand the question 'If someone is pushing you to that point, then why wouldn't you?' but the answer is that often the person has been told for years that they are not being pushed- they are just oversensitive/overreacting/lying/provoking or otherwise at fault

@thebillyotea

MN is full of posters cutting off their kids the minute they turn 18 and boasting how proud they are.

Is it? Any pointers? I've been reading Mumsnet for bloody years and I can't remember ever once reading a thread like that.

@Frankley

There is an Estrangement thread on Gransnet. The Support for those living with Estrangement is interesting. Sometimes the man or woman marrying into the family can take control of the son or daughter and cause disruption to the family relationship, even after being welcomed into the family. Parents are not always at fault.

Those threads are quite frankly, disturbing.

I think it’s pretty obvious to anyone reading there that those posters are the problem.

They only people they are deluding is themselves.

Older people cut off or threaten to cut off their kids/grandkids all the time. For quite unfair reasons, like not pursuing a particular career or being in a relationship with the "wrong" person. I don't know why you've framed this as though it's just something younger people do to their older relatives to get them to jump through hoops!

On the subject of trivial reasons/straw that broke the camel's back, I read a great blog post a few years ago.

@hamstersarse

Yanbu Yes, there may be legitimate circumstances for it but in the main there are too many people doing it for trivial reasons.

It strikes me as it is all on the same theme that people expect to have no difficult emotions in their life. The modern way is all about perfect and safe and no upset at all....and there is one homogenous ‘right think’ and no allowance for a difference of opinion:

The reality is that relationships can be difficult, fraught, and people can hold opposing views.

Often seems to me that the NC is instigated by a difference of opinion, and people literally cannot tolerate that. Really sad.

I was never allowed a difference in opinion with my DM and SF. Their opinion of ANYTHING was the only correct one. If I ever dared to disagree with anything, they either belittled me or got very angry. It could have been something very trivial like saying you preferred one supermarket chain to another but they took it as a personal attack on themselves and that I was being disrespectful. I was also always labelled as stubborn, uppity, full of myself, stupid, silly little girl etc etc.

I once absentmindedly said not to feed cheerios for my baby, whilst being concentrated on something else and as a consequence I received the most awful character assassination. I was 37 years old. That was 11 years ago and it still really hurts as it was so uncalled for.

I learnt to keep my opinions to myself but it doesn't really allow for a personal relationship to flourish does it? It was all very one sided and she didn't really know me at all once I was a young adult. She didn't realise this though.

I've now been NC seven years. Their behaviour just got worse and there came a point I couldn't take it anymore. I have finally grown into a proper adult in my 40's and my boundaries are now high up after being a people pleasing door mat all my adult life. I have no tolerance for emotional manipulation of any kind. If you OP or anyone else chooses to put up with a poor treatment, that's up to you.

In fact, those who DO put up with the poor behaviour and martyr themselves over difficult family members are usually the same ones who blame us being cruel. It's because they feel trapped and resentful in their situation and don't see a way out.

Those who say things like "obviously a genuine abuse is different" - what does qualify as a "genuine abuse"?? Is it something like if you were locked in the shed as a child, only that counts? Or that you were severely beaten, that counts on your favour too? Otherwise stop complaining?

The poster that remarked that in previous years people would go no-contact by running away to sea / joining the foreign legion / joined the circus etc.

These days people can, 'just lose touch.' Some missing persons are actually no contact people who just couldn't handle it anymore.

Lots of people don't see their relatives very often and have a sheaf of plausible and not so plausible excuses as to why not.