People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

In fact, those who DO put up with the poor behaviour and martyr themselves over difficult family members are usually the same ones who blame us being cruel. It's because they feel trapped and resentful in their situation and don't see a way out.

That's my experience too. And (as an aside) I've noticed the same attitudes in the workplace with bullying managers and colleagues who enable them.

My father's whole family are NC with one sister but don’t know the phrase... but I do agree it should really be a last resort and I personally if I ever had to do it would manage it as a gradual retreat if possible, as even if someone is toxic you can still be respectful of their humanity and not rub it in their face that as a close family member you don’t want to know them.

@ohforarainyday

What is the name of that Reddit sub you mentioned?

@Sunshine1922 A lot in your post resonates with me. I'm sorry you are going through this. I have managed to retain some relatives and I am very thankful for that. But I recognise the sadness of not having close family ties for my DC.

My DH family is lovely but tiny, DMIL passed away couple of years ago and there's only one sibling on his side who has her own grandchildren now (she's quite a bit older than my DH). My remaining family members also have their own families too and whilst they are supportive and lovely, my DC aren't priority to anyone, except for us of course. It is a sore point but I'm trying to think that my DC have two stable, caring parents and they are absolute priority to us.

I had a final straw moment with a former friend and I went NC. She probably finds it inexplicable, maybe bitches about it (don't know, no mutual friends), but I couldn't get over the hurtful things she did and when I came out of a hard period of my life and realised how she'd been I then eventually cut her off for seemingly nothing. Basically I think your OP is based on false premises

We are NC with the in laws. Father in particular was emotionally and physically abusive to DH and mother enabled. Came to a head when they threw a fit over my grandfather's funeral. Have had no contact now for nearly 5 years (apart from a couple of abusive voicemails). The other son hasn't spoken to them in 12 years.

Pattern would suggest that it is them that are the problem...

@RedHotChiliChips

Those who say things like "obviously a genuine abuse is different" - what does qualify as a "genuine abuse"?? Is it something like if you were locked in the shed as a child, only that counts? Or that you were severely beaten, that counts on your favour too? Otherwise stop complaining?

In my experience, it's anything physical. Anything emotional tends lead to pearl-clutching about how nobody can say anything for fear of their relatives going NC.

That tribal thing might have been the straw which broke the camel's back

No one goes NC with a family member without very good reason, the catalyst that helps the person make the decision may be minor, but the events that have occurred prior to may not be.

It's not only about physical/sexual abuse. There could be many equally valid reasons, financial abuse, coercive control, meddling and telling lies, being undermining, verbal abuse, the list keeps going. Everyone's circumstances are different, and everyone has a different limit of what they are willing to put up with and when they feel strong enough to walk away (I am not suggesting any of the above is acceptable at all, to be clear, but people take less or more time to react).

It's interesting you don't judge people who get divorced, but somehow you have the attitude that a relationship with a blood relative must be for life, no matter how much of a prat they are. I think that's where many posters on here and especially those who are in the NC position, would fundamentally disagree with you. I am of the view that there are things that are not acceptable, regardless if it's a legally or biologically created relationship.

Chicchicchicchiclana

Is it? Any pointers? I've been reading Mumsnet for bloody years and I can't remember ever once reading a thread like that.

any threads about not offering any support, financial or other, to anyone past the age of 18
any thread about getting rid of a kids bedroom as soon as they turn 18, and either downsizing or using that room as a "craft room" or whatever crap they put in there
any thread describing how helping with deposit, a cash gift etc.. is turning a child into an entitled and lazy individual

all these threads are full of posters falling over themselves to boast how they wash their hands of their kids

@likeamillpond

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago. It seems to be mainly adult children going NC with their parents.

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren.
Can someone explain why that is?
After all, adult children can be a pain at times

You're wrong. You may not have heard of it until a couple of years ago, but I did it in the late 1980s, so 30+ years ago, & the terms 'no contact' & 'low contact' have been around for nearly as long.

As other people have said, the reason may sound trivial, but it may just be the last straw. Alternatively, someone might not want to mention abuse even if it's in the background. And it may depend who you ask for a reason: my parents lied about why I went NC, when a relative asked them.

I don’t believe people cut parents out their lives without good reason

There are always exceptions for everything. Just reading some of the threads on gransnet affirms this. It’s not black and white.

I have blocked my bil and sil.
Bil decided to use a public forum to put me in what he thinks is my place.
I decided I'm too old to deal with sanctimonious pricks.
Shortly after someone suggested perhaps i should forgive and forget. This really annoyed me.
I honestly don't see why a person can be nasty, rude and vitriolic and the recipient should let it go!

Dh can deal with them.
I'm enjoying the peace.

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago Oh, I think those of us who have cut off our APs for 20+ years were saying that way back when.

I was low contact for decades. Then, when mys DSis finally saw sense (after being ripped off for tens of thousands of pounds) I went totally no contact. And has been so for about 5 years, using that term to describe her current relationship with them.

It is REALLY hard to tell whether someone is being in any way unreasonable as the given reason is almost always just the last in a long chain of things that cause the break of communication. I had to stay in communication for DSis. She was being abused by them but couldn't see it.

DF is an absolutely convincing manipulator - which is why DSis and I are currently ostracised from the wider family as 'poor old DF' is desperate to know how to make everything right between us, has no idea what went wrong with us! Lies, manipulation, theft! You can't forgive those. Especially as the eleventy trillion times you did succumb to an "I'm so sorry, we miss you, we love you" email you were soon hit with another begging letter, heart strings tugged and some weird scenario played out that was unthinkable that it was just him, playing a con again. Unthinkable that he'd use the death of a brother, the car crash that wrecked a family member's life, as an excuse to take more money off you. But it always was a con, he always took the money and looked at you, said you were mad if you questioned what had actually happened - he never asked, you never gave, it never happened!

But hey! He's a lovely man, would give you the shirt off his back - mainly because for many years it was actually the shirt paid for by DSis and he could always get another one off her!

So please, don't judge. Just accept that some of us go through hell making that decision. Some of us bear the guilt of it every day. But we can't go back, in my case not for love nor money, quite literally!

“Of course those marrying into the family will take a disproportionate amount of blame, especially the women. But this too is odd. Men do have agency. They are not puppets who are that malleable or easily manipulated; they are adults with minds and a decision-making capacity of their own.”
THIS
As a lot of pps have said the woman is often blamed for the NC but often they fail to see that the male has made the choice too. And they will never ask the male as they are too scared of what he may say so it’s easier to just blame the woman! In my case the LC now NC was bad influences/behaviour that we wouldn’t want our 2dcs around) and accusations about us that simply weren’t true.

I would say we don't really see X if asked.
On here I would say we're NC
In actual fact we were ordered not to contact X unless certain conditions were met. We chose not to meet those conditions.
If you asked X we have cut them off heartlessly and they are the innocent victim.

Just to point out being NC is actually a very hard choice. If you are serious about it being a long term solution, the first few months or years you actually grieve for the loss of that person (or the kind-version of them that never existed).
You have to navigate your relationships with people who still see them, family get togethers, life events. Despite the relief you might feel, it's a roller coaster.
Not easy to choose or to maintain.

Just to chip in on the asking for advice from a forum thing - as with anything, its a good place to get impartial advice and views. Often you feel conflicted about going NC because you're conditioned to believe you should put up with the behaviour or you're making a drama or upsetting the status quo by not putting up with it - which is exactly how abusive people, manipulators, bullies, and those who have no respect for boundaries thrive and are able to get away with it so long. As the lereon on the receiving end, you question yourself or put up and shut up until something sends you over the edge. You still doubt yourself and question your own reaction! Friends and other family can be lovely and supportive, but they care about you and are ultimately biased, so hearing other people's views can be helpful in assessing whether you're over-reacting or not.

I think it's also a big step and stigmatising and sometimes having 'permission' for going LC or NC can be liberating.

I def think it is liberating and in our case the best thing to happen

Yes, I agree with PP who say people ask random strangers on here to get an objective opinion. That's why I did it. Sometimes you feel like you're going crazy if everyone is telling you to "let it go" when you know deep down its a bad idea

People used to just disappear though didn't they? Our family lore includes someone who left for the big city and just never made contact again.

This would be about 100 years ago.

Families can be pure toxic. My Df was a master constantly undermining SIl and Dil. Youngest of 12 totally undermined my Dh. He needed a house keeper. All agreed to shun their responsibility. Married anyhow and very happy. Split the family in 2.

DSis and I are currently ostracised from the wider family as 'poor old DF' is desperate to know how to make everything right between us, has no idea what went wrong with us!

The same old story again. 'We have NO idea why our child is NC with us. We are the innocent, injured parties here'. Sounds like that old Beatles track 'She's Leaving Home'.

Yet in most such cases the child insists the parents know exactly why they are out of contact. It's a scenario that's repeated ad nauseam, on almost every estrangement discussion you care to find.

This manipulative BS is transparent, and very often shows exactly why the children are out of contact.

@Frankley

There is an Estrangement thread on Gransnet. The Support for those living with Estrangement is interesting. Sometimes the man or woman marrying into the family can take control of the son or daughter and cause disruption to the family relationship, even after being welcomed into the family. Parents are not always at fault.

I strongly dislike the trope of “everything was fine until they joined the family.

One person can very rarely break healthy relationships.

Of this happens often, the relationship wasn’t strong to begin with.