People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

Like many people have said there is so much under the surface sometimes that you don't see or hear before NC is instigated. How can someone relay a whole relationship dynamic in one post. My MIL on the face of it I'm sure looks wonderful.

She once had to come back from a holiday early because my husband took an overdose (before I was in the picture) and she told him.him he was being selfish and has ruined her holiday....

I struggle as parent to see how that would be an OK thing to say to be honest....

People went NC with relatives in the past. They just didn't call it that. They would, for example, refer to it as 'not speaking to' so-and-so.

My grandmother and great-aunt on one side of the family did not speak to each other for decades.

My uncle and grandmother on the other side of the family were in very low contact with one another.

It's unfortunately quite common for fathers to have no contact with their children after a divorce - or in some cases buggering off the moment their girlfriend tells them she's pregnant. Less common for mothers, admittedly; but I certainly know of cases where parents of both sexes have refused to speak to their own children because, for example, the children married someone that the parents didn't like.

I think you’re minimising things. I doubt anyone actually goes no-contact on a whim. The final straw may seem trivial to you, but you haven’t lived the reality.

And I expect parents don’t go nc with their kids because a parent’s love for their child tends to be unconditional, whereas a child’s love for their parents is not.

And before you dismiss my opinion, I have an excellent relationship with my parents and my in-laws. I know how lucky I am, and so I don’t judge others who are unfortunate enough not to have these positive relationships.

Do you know the phrase “a straw that broke the camel’s back” OP?

I'm LC and verging on NC with my MIL. She's a disgraceful person who has continually hurt my DH, she is toxic to be around, racist, homophobic, manipulative. I stopped speaking to her after one text message, if I told you that you would assume I'm petty and thoughtless. But her actions over the years have caused upset and, quite honestly, trauma to my DH and myself.
As others have said, it's usually the straw that breaks the camels back and there's a whole lot of reasons behind going NC.

If you don't know the circumstances it's none of your business really.

I'm NC with my dad and have been for years. He's never met DS. He doesn't deserve your sympathy, believe me.

I know a few parents who have disowned their children, one who in their funeral was said to have 3 children, when they had 5 (all 5 were there).

If MN is anything to go by for every LC or NC there’s a lot more people putting up with crap because ’bloods thicker than water’ and ‘well, it’s family’ bullshit.

Op, a few swallows don’t make a spring.

Why don't you hear of adults cutting off abusive children? Surely you can see that any behaviour towards an adult can never be as bad as abuse of a child, as children are physically and emotionally dependent on their parents for many years and form the basis of their self esteem and ability to have relationships off the treatment that they receive from their parents. Children are uniquely vulnerable.

Everything seems trivial with no back story.

The last straw is quite often a very trivial thing.

Sometimes the person going NC is actually the 'toxic' one. Sometimes they've dealt with years of crap and have had enough.

Very very few people cut someone from their lives for a single trivial reason but if you only consider the one incident instead of the full picture of course that's what you'll see.

I was NC with my mum for the last 6 years of her life. However she was told if she wanted to apologise for her behaviour we could sort it out. She chose not to. My brother was also NC with her. I think when both your adult children decide to go NC you have to accept maybe it’s your behaviour which causes it.

My mum was physically abusive to me and my brother as kids. Frequently beating us up. She was emotionally abusive, enjoyed being cruel. No affection, no love, no hugs.

As an adult she would criticise me all the time, constant little digs. If I did something she didn’t approve of she would sulk and not speak to me for months. She didn’t talk to me for six months once as she didn’t like my new car. When I was house hunting she told me if I bought one particular house she’d never speak again. She ignored me for my entire pregnancy apart from a nasty 7 page letter telling me to have an abortion as my child would be disabled as punishment from god for not being married.

She fell out with every neighbour and employer she ever had. Took every single employer to tribunal and called the police on every neighbour several times. She constantly had feuds with people. She was not a nice person. When she divorced my dad she smashed the house up and stabbed him.

The straw which broke the camels back for me was when she said something very bitchy about my appearance to my 11yo dd. Dd told me what she’d said and I totally believe Dd. Mum denied it and said Dd had mental problems and should be put in an institution. I went NC to protect Dd, who by the way was delighted I went NC.

But nobody knew 99% of what went on. To people who don’t know me well they probably think we had a slight disagreement and then I cruelly cut my mum out. That’s certainly what she has told all her friends and neighbours.

As I said, I understand there are people who have very valid reasons for their NC.

So people can go NC but only for reasons you deem as not trivial....

My mother was horrible to me and my dad, made our lives a misery. (They married young, my dad to get away from his abusive father). I bear the scars to this day. But when I was a young adult I stayed in touch with her. When we weren't living together, and as long as I didn't tell her anything that she might have been able to use against me, we were able to have an hour's pleasant conversation and we could call that a good relationship and she could brag about me to the family, and it was fine. But when I had my own kids I saw her start to repeat some of the behaviours from my own childhood. It was subtle at first and there were lots of things that happened where it seemed impossible to believe that it wasn't an accident... but they kept happening. Then she became more overt. The straw that broke the camel's back incident was exactly one of those things where it would seem very petty to an outsider, and difficult to believe that she was being deliberately evil. But I recognised the behaviour from my own childhood. There comes a point where you say to yourself, look, I'm not a court, and I can't prove her guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, I can't expect others to see what I see. But my own experiences, that nobody witnessed, tell me that she is doing this on purpose and that she won't stop, she'll escalate. Am I really going to expose my children to this because people who didn't grow up with her think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt? Abusers create the doubt for that very reason.

I know quite a lot of people who aren’t in contact with the family they were born into, me included, for myself and the people I know it tends to be the same reason. While I haven’t heard the phrase no contact outside of MN, I do know many people who no longer speak to the family they were born into.

Keegans post attached very much resonates with me, I have a mum, my son has a Grandma, two uncles, two aunts and now a baby cousin. You don’t have to share DNA to be family.

It used to be much easier for people to go very low contact. They'd just move away. My aunt emigrated to America. Airfares were too expensive, as were phonecalls. She saw my grandparents once every 10 years at the most. Perhaps she moved solely for economic reasons, but knowing my grandparents maybe not!

Actually I think that there are far more people putting up with vile abusive behaviour from people because they're family than are going NC. I've watched several people I know go through years of awful treatment from their mothers and it's hard to watch when as an outsider you can see how bad it is.
It's people like you telling them that each individual thing is 'not that bad' that keeps them stuck in this loop but the cumulative effect is extremely damaging.

People did go NC with their family in the past, they just didn’t speak about it.
My own paternal grandparents stopped contact with me and my sisters because our parents got divorced (and my uncle had a son at around the same time and apparently a male grandchild was what they had wanted all along).

I’m a big believer in moving past stuff but also I think there’s less social pressure to “make nice” and that’s not a bad thing. If someone is actually a toxic presence then people have every right to not want contact any more.

What about parents who have toxic abusive children?
I'll ask again.
Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

If you have toxic, abusive children the likelihood is that there has been intergenerational abuse/ trauma in your family and either you are toxic/ abusive/ affected by the abusive behaviours of a partner or codependent and so its the norm sadly .

And the jùdge of what's trivial is.... you!?

Unfortunately my DH has exactly what @VettiyaIruken described. One dysfunctional parents went NC with him and the other one bullied me for years and we eventually went NC.

My husband's father has effectively gone NC with DH. DH is the most normal functional person you'll ever meet.

He pretty much stopped talking to him because we wouldn't take our baby on a 7 hour drive to Wales to see him. He would never come and see us but somehow we are in the wrong for not taking our child on a full day in the car to see him. DH tries to talk to him occasionally but he is a completely ridiculous and childish person. DH will be depressed for days after talking.

DH is also NC with his Mum after she bullied me for years.

If you struggle to understand how people go NC I expect you are lucky to have a nice family.

@likeamillpond

The thing that makes me very uncomfortable with it is that ALL people can be annoying at times. As an adult in my 20s I was vile to my mother at times and yet it would never have crossed her mind to go NC with me and cut me out of her life

This about sums it up. As a 20 year old woman you were vile to your mum. It speaks volumes about you.

Basically you treat people like shit and expect to stay in their life just because you're their blood. It doesn't work like that.

Respect is earned and if someone is not going to respect you or your wishes, there is no point.

YABU you don't know the whole reasons whilst people have done it and they're sometimes very vague not to put them self.

There are posters on here who advise ‘no contact’ for trivial shit...usually when it’s regarding annoying in laws. It’s easy to advise divisive and heavy-handed tactics when it’s not their own family and relationships being discussed...when it’s not their own husband’s family member to be cut out of the picture because they don’t like them.

If someone other than a member of your family treated you appallingly over a number of years you wouldn't hesitate to cut contact with them (I would hope).

I genuinely don't understand why the fact that someone is a member of your family should give them immunity from accountability for their toxic/abusive behaviour.

It is definitely more of a thing now. Growing up we would have arguments etc with family members but we would either quietly simmer about it for years and still move on, or sort it out and move on, nobody went NC (I'm not necessarily saying this is a good thing!)