People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

Adults can stop having contact with other adults for any reason they like.

In truth, nuclear families are the building blocks of most people's lives, so I don't really by that there's a bunch of heartless dc cutting off their dp for no reason. I think it's more like that there are a bunch of people forgoing their experience of a family as their relationships were so toxic and intolerable, and the family are trying to claim they weren't all that bad or abusive.

OP how do you feel about the pretty large numbers of men in the UK who essentially go NC with their children?

Before they're born, when they're babies, toddlers etc?

You also never gave a view on my answer to your question about children who want to get away from their parents (look at the news and charities- exploitation, homelessness, rough sleeping etc).

'In truth, nuclear families are the building blocks of most people's lives,'

In the UK at this point in time...

But otherwise agree.

I think OP has a personal angle on this TBH

I think OP has a personal angle on this TBH

Yes, I think you’re right. It just annoys me when people like OP try to tell others their boundaries are in some way wrong. Relationships are rarely simple and e wry one had the right to choose who they gave one with.

*everyone has the right to choose who they have one with.

My grandmother was no contact with various family members because they had converted to other denominations. It was much more common in the past to go no contact with people because they had done something you disapproved of and brought some kind of ‘shame’ on the family.

Now it is more common to go no contact with a family member because they are actually abusive and wish you harm.

OP you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about. If you can’t imagine going NC with a parent or relative then count yourself lucky you’ve never had a reason to. Like others have said, the ‘trivial’ reason is likely to be one thing in a continuous pattern of abusive, undermining and toxic behaviour. People can have whatever boundaries they like and sharing DNA with someone does not mean that they’ll treat you properly or that you have to keep them in your life.

What about parents who have toxic abusive children?
I'll ask again.
Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

Toxic, abusive people rarely cut people off because they need victims to be toxic and abusive towards.

I don't agree, I do not believe anyone chooses to become estranged from a parent unless the parent is really abusive/toxic, or engages in behaviour like substance abuse or criminal activity that makes their presence a danger. (Excepting cases where the estrangement is because the son or daughter is a substance abuser or has a severe mental illness.)

I have noticed that abusive parents are desperate to paint their children as being unreasonable and petty and to pretend their children disowned them for "minor" reasons.

There's a Reddit sub for parents whose children have disowned them, and it's Narcissistic Stalker central. It's just thread after thread after thread of posters raging about how evil and awful their children are for not wanting a relationship, painting themselves as the wronged victims, sharing tactics on how best to control and manipulate their children, and sharing stories about basically stalking their estranged children.

I have noticed that a minority of posters on Mumsnet get very angry at total strangers deciding to become estranged from relatives as though it affected them personally, and often those angry posters will tell lies about the estranged posters in order to paint them as unreasonable and nasty, which is weird since everyone can read the posts themselves. For example there's a recent thread where a posted discussed the fact she was estranged from her abusive alcoholic MIL, detailed a few more minor incidents to demonstrate how her MIL undermined her, and several posters got very angry and said things like "how dare you go NC with your MIL solely because she gave your children specific food they weren't allowed one time" - completely ignoring the fact the OP also said the MIL was an alcoholic.

I do wonder if some of the posters who take these threads so very personally are people whose own children have gone NC with them.

LibertyMole

My grandmother was no contact with various family members because they had converted to other denominations. It was much more common in the past to go no contact with people because they had done something you disapproved of and brought some kind of ‘shame’ on the family.

Now it is more common to go no contact with a family member because they are actually abusive and wish you harm.

@LibertyMole excellent point!

Very often it’s the final straw.

My brother tells everyone who’ll listen I went NC with him, and two of our siblings, because he didn’t like the colour of my dress and said so when asked.

Now in a way he’s right. I did. His friend sniggering and saying “do you like lyra’s dress?” leading to his reply about how hideous the colour was, how much it didn’t suit me was the thing that made me say “I’m not listening to you anymore”.

However, it completely ignores, conveniently, the years of constant belittling, put downs, snide comments and threats of violence.

Very few people go NC go trivial reasons. It’s a huge thing and it’s not easy.

Just one thing though OP - you say your grandmother was horrid to your mother, but nice to you so if your mother had gone NC she’d have deprived you of a grandmother... that’s not right. It would have been your grandmother, through her actions toward your mother, that deprived you of that.

You might also want to think about how difficult it must have been for your mother to see her mother make effort with you that she wasn’t, to your GM, worthy of herself. That’s a very difficult position, and imo is sometimes a way of subtly continuing the abuse. “look at how nice I can be to people who are not you” is one of the hardest things about abusive parents imo.

YABU. You don't know the full story. Often the final straw is as a result of a build up of things. & what is trivial to you, won't be trivial to someone else.

Personally I don't believe an elder MUST be respected at all costs just because of bloodline. If they're intolerable and the victim of their behaviour goes no contact then so be it.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread. Lots of elders show a nice face to the world but that's not how they really are, behind closed doors.

It's not for you to judge.

yanbu. i wonder if it's a regional thing? what the incidence is in other countries (spain italy or scandinavian countries)?

My brother andI are NC with our sister. We used to work together in the family business, and were very close. When my parents were ill, she mistreated them and told me to stay away from my father. When my parents died, she decided to sell the business and dispose of major assets without our input. We were both tired of her manipulative and dishonest ways. We are currently negotiating through lawyers for our share of the estate as was in our parents’ will.

There were lots of small things over the years. She was emotionally abusive since Iwas a young child, and treated my brother badly as well. She refused to attend my wedding because she didn’t like my spouse. She abused drugs, and stole from my mother’s purse while I took the blame. She took it on herself to discipline me as an adult, though my business performance was more competent.

She cried terribly when my brother had a tiny wedding at the start of lockdown. My brother knew his bride, her mother, and I did not want her there.
When family give up speaking there are three long stories involved: one side, the opposing side, and the truth

@fallfallfall

yanbu. i wonder if it's a regional thing? what the incidence is in other countries (spain italy or scandinavian countries)?

People just emigrated. I know members of my family did.

The old version of NC was, "and we never darkened his door again". Half DH's family were NC back 50 years. Everyone in this generation talks so maybe NC is actually an old-fashioned thing.

There is much more support available for people to get out of abusive relationships. People have learned to recognise abuse and realise they no longer have to accept it from anyone. This includes family.

It seems incredibly naive to assume that most people go NC for trivial reasons and are cruel because of it.

The cruelty comes from those deserving the NC. Most people would far rather have a loving family if they could. They put up with all sorts of abuse for years because they'd rather have a bad family than no family. NC is a last resort.

I'm NC with my ex's daughter who i loved as my own for years.
She's on drugs and involved with some very dangerous people, carries knives, and is extremely abusive toward me and unpredictable to the extreme. If you asked her, I dontknow what she would say as to why I won't ever allow her around me again, but I guarantee she will have a sob story or say it is because of some minor matter she made up.
It breaks my heart thinking about it. It was not an easy decision. As I was in a parental role, this probably doesn't fit your narrative.

I know of dozens of parents who’ve cut contact with their adult children. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's usually adult women who do this, some of them are very Flakey these days,

I'll ask again.
Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

Is it possible sometimes that people answer you but you don't listen to the response and possibly discount it on such a reflex that you don't notice it?

I'm familiar with many parents who've cut off their children or excluded them from family life or a household. A famous case is Edwina Currie whose father forbade the family to see/mention her for marrying outside the faith.

Consider the trope of removing somebody from the family tree in a family bible.

How many families told children they were no longer part of the family or disowned for bringing disgrace on them (could be anything from conceiving outside wedlock to marrying somebody with a difference)?

i think it's seen as poor parenting to cut off a child, even an adult. more acceptable if drugs alcohol involved but parents often take a lot of abuse from teens and young adults.

Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

I've worked in many homeless shelters with a lot of adult children whose parents have cut them off. Remember the passion for 'tough love' in the 90s? Cutting your children off.

OP, you asked 'What about parents who have toxic abusive children?
I'll ask again.
Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?'

Go have a look at Gransnet. There are many on there.
MN is mainly a younger generation to GN. Hence the reason.
You really need to broaden your reasoning.

Everyone's feelings are valid though!

When my MIL first met me she said "i would have preferred if you'd brought a white girl home".

Would this be a trivial reason for NC?

I was told that I should "get over that comment it was years ago".

I often wonder if my DCs didn't "look white" would she be OK with them being brown..

Truth is even without this comment we are very very different we would never have been BEST friends.

She would never see it but she has a way of making my husband feel like he's "stuck in the middle". He will very rarely disagree with her even if he does disagree. It has caused MANY an argument between us.

Im not going to lie but throughout lockdown we've been so much happier not having to see her as much.

She been an asset with our DCS AND being a FT nanny while we both work FT and the DC adore and love her dearly, she's not vile or nasty but oversteps boundaries often and is a bit 1950s in approach that women should do all the grunt and her precious boys are angels and can do no wrong.

(BTW she INSISTED that she give up work to provide childcare for all her DGCs, we would have scaled hours and childminders etc)

I wouldn't GO NC but at the same time I keep at arms length because she is incredibly triggering for me.