People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

[likeamillpond]

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

I meant out them self*.

Interestingly, most comments disagree with the OP but the votes are 53% in her favour.

I went NC with one sibling over one text. One text asking something completely unreasonable, after years of expecting me to sort out their lives with absolutely nothing in return. Never once asking how I was or what was going on in my life. Their go to starting point had long gone from even trying to make small talk, just 'fix this' or 'do that'. I actually decided just to ignore it and see if they could figure out by themselves how to talk to me like a human/family member rather than go NC, but they took my non-response as an insult evidently, so it's been 4 years of silence.

It's generally been the least stressful 4 years of my life.

t wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago

It's been around for decades to my knowledge, the concept was around when I was a child (when it was also much easier to simply implement).
That said, I remember plenty of toxic relationships in families where people would have been better off cutting the relative out of their lives.

It seems to be mainly adult children going NC with their parents

That is more a reflection of your pool of experience.

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren Can someone explain why that is?

Your outlook is too limited.

Ask anyone who has worked in the law and they will have a long list of adults cutting off their children, grandchildren and other relatives and following up with clauses in their wills. Ditto the parents playing games with conditional gifts or support to their children (plenty of those threads on here).

People don't go "NC" for trivia, the last straw may itself seem trivial to an ignorant outsider who knows nothing of relationship.

I find it fascinating that you think women should endure toxic relationships just because someone is blood kin or to facilitate advantage for their children.

Oh and one of my grandmother's was NC with half her family. No idea what happened, but they never made up and certain names were not allowed to be mentioned growing up.

It was always called no-speaks when I was growing up.

Oh and one of my grandmother's was NC with half her family. No idea what happened, but they never made up and certain names were not allowed to be mentioned growing up

Same here. She was widowed young and her in-laws tried to take her children away so she fled the country. My DGM was born at the turn of the last century and everyone I knew of that generation could describe examples of relatives who were NC with each other.

It seems very mumsnet. I literally don't know a single soul that is totally NC with their family. Low contact yes, but no contact is not something I have seen in real life.

@likeamillpond

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago. It seems to be mainly adult children going NC with their parents.

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren.
Can someone explain why that is?
After all, adult children can be a pain at times

Because the parents are probably narcs and/or enjoy the dysfunction / abuse / fighting / powertrip / hold over their DC???

Seriously 😐 Use your brain mate.

Going NC over a minor thing is normally really going NC after years of lots of things, that have been allowed to become the norm.

I went NC with my df after a row, but that was just the final straw. There had been years of bigoted, manipulative undermining, belittling and aggression, that had left me a nervous wreck. An entire childhood's worth. At 26 I found the strength to walk away and life genuinely improved on that day. He was thoroughly unpleasant and I don't miss him at all. I am much better off without him. That was 30 years ago OP so not a recent thing.

People have to be able to choose their own paths.

I'm lc with my mother because of 'one daft little comment'

But that daft little comment was actually her telling someone, openly and proudly that she has a favourite Grandchild and found it hard to make an effort with the others. After years of trying to manage her disinterest in the other grandchildren. After a lifetime of managing her playing favourites between me and my siblings.

If she wanted a relationship at all with them maybe she shouldn't have been an arse my babies? Counting down the days till I can go NC (family tragedy happened recently, nothe giving her that as ammo against me when the flying monkeys come)

Nobody is obliged to spend time with people who they don't like being around.

People who ‘don’t know anyone’ might consider that it’s pretty taboo to cut off your family and very damaging to be cut off.

I use the word ‘estranged’ because it feels right for me. It was an active process of being bullied out by one set of family and for my own self preservation cutting off the person who facilitated the bullying. It took ten years of my life and left me a wreck.

I don't talk about it to people who don’t already know without good reason because it’s too painful and I can do without being told that blood is thicker than water blah blah.

It's perfectly simple why children go NC with their parents but rarely the other way around.

Firstly, the parents created the children and are responsible for how they have developed. This means that morally there is no justification for a parent to go NC with their children, no matter how vile they are to them - it's the parents' fault.

Second, the parents have more to gain by keeping in contact. Most parents want to see their children growing up, most parents want to see their grandchildren. Many parents are increasingly aware their time is running out and that they may need care from their children. The child doesn't have this issue, for once they have the power - the only thing they need to worry about is whether they will inherit money, and in many cases of toxic relationships it is unlikely there would be much money coming their way anyway.

The child, once they are in their 20s or 30s, might finally be seeing their life turn around from whatever their parents did to them while younger. They don't need the toxic interference in their life. Going NC is not only an option, it's the logical and sensible course to take.

Usually parents do go NC with their children eventually, when they die. Why should they have the right to inflict that pain on their child, but not the other way around? A child going NC is just them taking some control of the situation.

I think that traditionally women were more pliable and martyr-ish. So, a daughter would run herself ragged to provide company and support for a drunken, aggressive father whilst the son would rightly prioritise his kids/wife/job/golf handicap and see the old man for an hour on Christmas Eve or whatever.

And the only time I’ve ever come across a trivial reason for NC was when a father cut off a child for marrying a black person from a different faith.

I had to go lc with a family member to protect my relationship with my DH. This family member was a "functioning" alcoholic and making me so stressed and miserable that it was all I could fixate on for a long time. Eventually my DH had to sit me down and make me see how badly it was affecting my relationship with him, which was 1000 times more important to me than the relationship with the family member. I'm sure some people saw it as me abandoning someone in their time of need, but it was my time of need too.

I think it's nearly ALWAYS final straw narratives....gossips love reporting all these transgressions.... Its awful Gertrude cut off her lovely mother just because she was 3 mins late for her birthday party....

They're not interested in the years of invalidation /abuse that went before...

No Gertrude should be judged on her 'appalling' behaviour...

Now days with mobile phones, social media it's easier for toxic people to invade everything and intrude into peoples lives in a way they didn't years ago.

People who go LC/NC with people do it after years of abuse it's not as simple choice they make.

OP perhaps read the Stately Home threads and may open your eyes up to what people go through when they have been brought up by these people, and then maybe you understand why your sweeping comments are wrong.

@NiceGerbil

I think OP has a personal angle on this TBH

Sorry to disappoint you but, No.

I went NC with my father because he owed me £20.
Or perhaps that was the final straw?
I went NC with my brother because he sent me 1 nasty text
Or perhaps that was the final straw?

I don’t believe that people do go NC for trivial reasons but often it’s a trivial reason that tips you over the edge

YABU. As others have mentioned you have no idea about the depth and reality of the problems with the relationship when someone goes NC, unless it’s you choosing to go NC.

To get to that point it’s often the culmination of years of problems and disrespect. And people have the right to decide who they spend time with and socialise with.

YABVVU. Keep your beak out.

I see it as a positive thing that it’s recognised nowadays that you have the right to decide you no longer want someone in your life, family or not.

Low cost ways of keeping in very regular contact mean going NC or LC is more of an active decision.

When you only seen someone at weddings and funerals, and sent the odd letter through the year then you don’t have to put much effort into LC. It’s just the natural state anyway.
When they can, and do, contact you weekly or daily by telephone or social media you have to make an actual choice.

I struggle to believe that this is posted in good faith, but seconding others who've said that the reason you don't know anyone in real life who's gone NC is because threads like this exist. It's a stigma, people judge the fuck out of you, and it's incredibly personal.

I'm NC (emotional abuse, which I suspect you don't think counts) and only my closest friends and my boss know about it.

I'm part of a UK charity (Stand Alone) which holds meetings for both adult children estranged from parents and parents estranged from adult children. It is a real life thing, and if you can't understand why anyone would do something as self-injurious as cutting off a parent, then thank your lucky stars and find something more productive to concern yourself with.

The biggest issue I have with the original post is that, whether intentionally or not, it comes across as judgemental and bias. (Plus the information she has repeated about my post is inaccurate - pretty sure that's a TAT but anyway).

I can only hope the OP is open to hearing these opinions, because I wholeheartedly agree.